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AIBU?

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Original poster

School banning party invites unless...

213 replies

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 08:53

The whole class is invited. How ridiculous! What about if your in a school with three classes for each year group? Do you have to invite the whole year group?!?!

Currently organising a disco for my four children and they have got the invite list down to 66. That's NOT inviting everyone, just the children they want to come. And I'm sure a few extras will be added before the actual day. If we had to invite everyone then that would be the WHOLE SCHOOL plus lots from the dance school. I'm mad, but not completely gaga!

OP posts:
Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 10:30

How can you hand them out on collection when a third if the children are collected at 3.30pm, a third do clubs and are collected at 4pm, & a third go to after school care until 5pm

My ds has always handed his out at break time or at the end if the day himself or when in reception the ta put them in the book bags.

However he did require help to do this for ages probably due to his undiagnosed SN.

Sirzy · 15/10/2013 10:32

That is why lists of parents contacts is by far the most sensible way.

It shouldn't be down to children feeling alienated because others are giving them out and they are never getting one.

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 10:41

There are lots of parents in ds's school who can't have their details on general lists though. Off the top of my head the psychiatric dr, social worker & several teachers spring to mind.

HexU · 15/10/2013 10:44

Westie do you think it was because you have ASD?

Might not be my DS is NT and well behaved and I'm very normal have even been described as friendly and I'm polite - but I'm not in the clique mothers in his year. My face doesn't fit.

I've fitted in other places and none of the other year groups have an issue with me.

I expect we have the same problem Westie - it's them not us and bizarrely they must believe they can influenced their DC choice of friends in this manner.

ginslinger · 15/10/2013 10:53

I don't see why a list of parents and their email addresses can't be issued. For people with privacy concerns they open a gmail address which can then be set up to forward mail to their main account. It could be explained clearly that this is purely for social contacts and no 'business' be discussed

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 10:56

What's. gmail address? Is it a bit like hotmail?

WestieMamma · 15/10/2013 10:59

Westie do you think it was because you have ASD?

Even I didn't know I had AS back then. It would account for me not interacting much in the playground but I can't see how it would lead to the open hatred. I could be wrong but the impression I got was that she thought we were beneath her and also that she wanted her daughter to be best friends with her friend's daughter and she was really angry that this was spoilt by my daughter existing.

ginslinger · 15/10/2013 10:59

yes, or any web based email.

KepekCrumbs · 15/10/2013 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comingalongnicely · 15/10/2013 11:47

People at work go out in different groups & not everyone is invited. It's still arranged at work as that is the one piece of common ground. It's the same with school surely?

Why on earth would anyone want to give their email address or phone number to 30 randoms? Just because little Timmy gets on with Jenny it doesn't mean you want to deal with his parents in any way beyond a nod at the gate & telling them what time to pick him up from the party.

Would there be an issue with handing an envelope addressed to a parent for your DC to give to their DC - that way the kids are out of the loop & not taunting/flaunting?

As for "socially inclusive", in some situations maybe, but I don't think you should dictate to kids who they have to invite to their party.

Dubjackeen · 15/10/2013 11:53

A clown at the door, handing out invitations to all but four children, having asked their names, Midnight Scribblerwords fail me!

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 11:54

I think if I was a teacher I would have been so angry, I would have escorted the clown off the school premises. Some parents are idiots.

kerala · 15/10/2013 11:56

My two are small group types anyway. I invited all the girls in DD1s class one year in the interests of being "fair"- never again. It was a nightmare as we have parties at home, half the girls there DD either had little to do with and was indifferent to and a couple she actually didn't like (the worst behaved being the pretty/clever/precocious doctors daughter even the entertainer described her as "spirited" which was being polite).

From now on they invite 6ish guests, as there are 15 girls in the class, some of the guests are from other classes so actually the majority are "left out". My dds don't seem to give 2 hoots when they are not invited to other peoples parties think some people do overestimate the effect on kids. That said I appreciate never being invited to anything would be upsetting.

ringaringarosy · 15/10/2013 11:59

i think its rubbish,i wouldnt encourage my kids to invite people they dont like,and i wouldnt want my kids at a party they werent really wanted at either.

ringaringarosy · 15/10/2013 12:00

there is a boy in my sons class who is never invited to anything and tbh i can see why,i wouldnt want him at my party!

pigletmania · 15/10/2013 12:18

I know Westie just thinking of any reasons. Dd 6 has ASD and that kind of thing worries me. She just sounds like a nasty woman, I feel for her poor dd having such a toxic mother

facedontfit · 15/10/2013 12:20

My daughter had her party, all girls in her year invited (8), including her best friend. Five days later best friend hands out her invites at school (I'm not there, best friends mother is) to all girls in year apart from my daughter Shock

A month previous father of best friend had been spoken to by the head teacher and chair of governors about the way he spoke to my daughter in the playground before school. Angry Angry Yes, I am still murderous.

pigletmania · 15/10/2013 12:23

Oh Westie helicopter mother trying to social,engineer her dd friends, I see. I have been on mumsnet for a while, and have read shocking things that partie mums have done. Westie you have done nothing wrong, it's her!

pigletmania · 15/10/2013 12:35

The behaviour of these parents is Shock

MistressIggi · 15/10/2013 12:46

Glad I'm not a primary school teacher. I assume they have enough to do without thinking of discreet ways to hand out invites.
Don't get the idea either that children should never have to have someone they don't want at their parties - adults certainly do, think of the wedding threads on here! I don't mean ask the one who is bullying them, but ask the shy or less popular child? Yes I think they should.

lainiekazan · 15/10/2013 12:49

Mixed feelings about this.

The people going on about "parent lists" - get real.

Those saying "all should be included" - nuts. Parties come in all shapes and sizes. Some people spend a lot of money for a smaller group to do an activity; some have parties at home [and don't want guests who might wreck the joint]; some have the big community centre disco thing and can be more flexible on numbers. But - every case is different.

Of course, leaving out one child is not on. But this would still happen if the invitations were issued "secretly".

Of course being left is painful. And I have been there - at all ages! But banning the handing out of invitations at school will not stop it.

sashh · 15/10/2013 12:52

People at work go out in different groups & not everyone is invited. It's still arranged at work as that is the one piece of common ground. It's the same with school surely?

Many many years ago I was working at a hospital in city A, I was working my notice to move to both a new hospital and a new city, city B.

One person in the department in city A was getting married just after I left. But he made sure before he left that he handed out wedding invitations to everyone in the department except me.

It was meant to hurt.

The funny thing about it was that I would not have been able to go had I been invited, too far and no transport after I moved but that everyone else assumed that everyone had been invited.

I kept being asked about the invite because people were making arrangements to car share etc. A few people said, "oh he must not have got to you yet".

Nope, he invited 20+ people but not me. He ended up looking like a twat.

I was late 20s and thought the whole thing was childishly funny.

If I had been 5 I think I would have been incredibly upset.

Like it or not party invitations can be a tool used to bully and discriminate and that is what the school are trying to stop. They don't care who is invited to a party, they care about bullying.

jacks365 · 15/10/2013 12:53

Let me turn this on its head can anyone give me a good reason why teachers and ta's should have to deal with any invitations?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/10/2013 13:03

I don't see why email addresses can't be circulated on a class list.You don't even need the parents names. One parent in ds's class has an email address which is pretty obviously just for this purpose - x'smom at whatever for com.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/10/2013 13:04

jacks they shouldn't but if it was hassle free I imagine they would, which implies that it's not.