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Original poster

School banning party invites unless...

213 replies

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 08:53

The whole class is invited. How ridiculous! What about if your in a school with three classes for each year group? Do you have to invite the whole year group?!?!

Currently organising a disco for my four children and they have got the invite list down to 66. That's NOT inviting everyone, just the children they want to come. And I'm sure a few extras will be added before the actual day. If we had to invite everyone then that would be the WHOLE SCHOOL plus lots from the dance school. I'm mad, but not completely gaga!

OP posts:
Alexandrite · 15/10/2013 13:10

One good reason for TAs dealing with party invitations is that it is a lot more discreet for them to be put in book bags than for them to be presented on the playground in front of children who didn't get them.

DiamondMask · 15/10/2013 13:18

This is what DH wrote recently in respnse to this topic
'There's a debate that's been aired on UK TV recently about whether schools should allow birthday invitations to be handed out in class if not all the children are invited to the party. Obviously there are plenty of sides to that debate, both practical (maybe you can't host a whole class full of kids), particular (do you have to invite the kid that bullies you), moral (why is it any of the school's business - though they're only suggesting a rule for what happens in school) and emotional (isn't 5-11 years of age too young to learn such cruel lessons about exclusion - can't we save those a little longer?) It's drawing in a lot of people because, as every parent knows, there are few injuries that can be done to you that are as painful as seeing your child left out, disappointed, hurt without understanding why... As the parent of a little girl (aged 9) who received her only ever invitation to a school friend's party five years ago the discussion hit me hard. I know at school she must hear the children talking about parties, who went, what they wore. She can't ask me why she's not invited, and honestly, if she could I wouldn't know what to tell her - I can imagine few more difficult conversations. DD has her own birthday parties and I'm more grateful than I can say that each year six or seven little girls turn up and light up her day for a few hours. It's frightening to think how much I'd pay them to come if that were necessary and an option. I understand the reasons she's not invited. People are awkward around her disabilities, worried they might have to cope with something, worried perhaps that we might just leave her for them to look after or that the presence of her carer would spoil things... I understand all that and I can't condemn it. But I think that when those girls are grown, if they could look back at their parties and remember DD was there - they'd feel better about themselves, about their parents, and they'd be better people. So perhaps those mothers could think of my daughter as an opportunity rather than a problem.
I know that the hard lessons have to be learned, that they can't be put off forever... but doctors and statistics tell us that DD is unlikely to ever be an adult, and for me, knowing all the shit she has to put up with and that she's already had to come to terms with... I'd rather see her life punctuated by parties than by disappointments. Bit of a ramble. Sorry.'

Spinkle · 15/10/2013 13:29

My son has ASD and has never had an invitation. Parents hand them out surreptitiously (but badly) in front of me. Since he doesn't realise it doesn't matter but makes me feel terrible. Really terrible.

I have not been brave enough to have a party for him. He finds loud music difficult at times. What if no one came? How would he ever get over that?

It's not pleasant to be excluded. He's excluded because of something he has. Not his choice to be autistic. But their choice to exclude him.

Yeah. Keep that shit out of school.

bigbrick · 15/10/2013 13:36

I'm not sure what ASD is but when I had a party with a child of special needs invited I asked the mum what I could do to make it easier for her child to have a good time. She said he needed a large mirror to look in and this what I set up. She said he wasn't normally invited and I said my dd was his friend so she would be happy he was at her party.

HopLittleFroggiesHopSkipJump · 15/10/2013 13:43

The school in question is a private school with very small classes if this is the same article.

Coupon · 15/10/2013 13:47

ASD = Autistic Spectrum Disorder

bigbrick · 15/10/2013 13:56

Thanks Coupon for explaining

comingalongnicely · 15/10/2013 14:02

So are Teachers & TA's dishing these out or are the kids just giving them out?

School staff shouldn't be involved, it's not their job. Kids should hand them out.

Someone up a few raised a good point - we sometimes did expensive things like take them all to laserquest & then McD's afterwards. No way would that happen for more than 4/6 kids.

It's not nice to not be invited, but it's life. Same as losing at games or competitions. Never mind the kids, there seem to be quite a few adults that haven't learnt this yet!!

DiamondMask · 15/10/2013 14:09

You seem to have missed the point comingalong that its often the same kids, often those with disabilities, who never ever get an invite. Life has already shat on them, should the parents of their peers rub it in. Or perhaps should people reading this actually think 'you know, that disabled kid never gets invited maybe i will be the one to make an effort'.

Or just say 'tough shit kids, and it's going to get worse'

DiamondMask · 15/10/2013 14:10

But long as it's not your child then I suppose 'I'm alright Jack' is a attitude to have Hmm

kerala · 15/10/2013 14:13

But I'm not sure children are that upset? With mine if they are not going it doesn't exist they don't think that party "applies" to them and they get on with stuff that does. Wonder if alot of the upset is over thinking by parents. Although agree leaving 1 or 2 out of a class invite is not on.

reelingintheyears · 15/10/2013 14:14

I agree with the school, ask after school or e mail or ask the teacher to put them in book bags.
It is exclusive and can be used to bully and I've seen it done with my own eyes.

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 14:14

In reception- yr 1 it's usually the TA

I n juniors its the kids

Our school is very good & will pass all sorts on such as when ds left his phone at his friends house it got left at reception for me so he didn't get in trouble for having it at school.

There is no way either of my two would have had any parties if they couldn't give invites out at school. I know ds doesn't get invited to a lot, but at least he gets something, a small party if his own most years.

labelwriter · 15/10/2013 14:16

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/15/jesus-class-birthday-party-children Guardian today. Same thing.

Spinkle · 15/10/2013 14:17

D'you know, my ASD done has taught me so much about life and myself. I have scraped myself up from the depths of despair and worked wonders with the boy. He works incredibly hard too.

He genuinely brings out the best in those around him. His classmates are always pleased to see him, but goose who don't know him, like said kiddies' parents, see him as odd, strange, a freak.

That's right, my lovely beautiful son, the freak.

They are scared we will poke in their precious party and drive away. Leaving them to Deal With The Freak. oh course we would not do such a thing.

But of course I will explain to him, 'yeah son, that's life, have some more shit to deal with' Hmm 'get used to it'

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 14:17

In fact the dd got just as upset when she was deliberately excluded from a sleepover arranged out of school time (group of 6 friends she was the only one not invited) as she was when she was the only one out of the group of 6 not invited to a party where the invites we're given out in school

Spinkle · 15/10/2013 14:18

*those

Bloody phone

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 14:19

Spinkle - ds's last party was like an ASD support group. School nurse said that quite common that they tend to hone in on kids who are like themselves. Probably a generalisation but true in ds's case.

Coupon · 15/10/2013 14:22

kerala children will often be aware that someone's having a party. There's a difference between accepting that no-one is invited to everything, and being rarely/never invited to anything.

moldingsunbeams · 15/10/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StanleyLambchop · 15/10/2013 14:34

I can see the sense in e-mailing invites from a parents POV, but children like to receive invitations, my DD proudly blu-tacks them to her bedroom wall (and she does not get that many invites, before anyone asks!) She also enjoys giving them out, usually in the playground before school. Having your Mum e-mail your friends Mum surely takes some of that enjoyment away??

lainiekazan · 15/10/2013 15:15

Dd rarely gets invited to parties. She has no additional needs; she's just not that popular.

I just don't think you can legislate about mean behaviour or popularity. And, as Picturesinthefirelight says, a child might be just as upset, if not more so, about being left out of a party for five children as a party for 20.

moominleigh94 · 15/10/2013 15:21

When I was 10, in Year 5, a girl in the year above who, along with her friends, bullied me relentlessly, and bullied others too. They hated lots of people, but when it came to her party, she invited everyone from Year Three to Year Six, with the exception of me - she invited all the others she picked on and bullied, but not me. She then got her friends to come up to me through the day and ask if I'd had my invite, and when I said no, they'd say "Oh yeah - she doesn't want you there" or "Oh yeah, she said you'd spoil the party if you were there".

At the end of the day I went to the school gates and her Mum was asking if everyone had their invites yet. I said no and she said "Oh yes... sorry, she didn't want you there" in the nastiest way possible.

I didn't want to go to her party, but it was clear that she - and her mum, who hated me because she hated my parents for being a) English and b) on benefits - had decided to hand out invites in that particular way to rub it in my face, and I was heartbroken over it. Had I been invited... or even just not given an invite... I wouldn't have gone, and would probably have been fine, but to have had it rubbed in my face that I'd been purposely not invited - when everyone in the surrounding years of school was - by not only the girl and her friends, but by the parents too - it was awful.

Whenever I had a party, I'd seek out those I wanted to invite and give them the invite personally, rather than getting the teacher to do it/standing in front of the class. When I did have a big birthday party - I think I was 5 - we did invite the whole class. Leaving one or two people out - unless that person has bullied the child - is disgusting.

comingalongnicely · 15/10/2013 15:57

DiamondMask - sorry, thought we were talking about most parents not wanting their kids to invite a class of 30 to a party.

If you want to turn that around to mean "no disabled kids" feel free, no one has said anything like that. Hmm And as for my "I'm alright Jack" attitude - shove it up your sanctimonious arse, don't try and turn my comments around to fuel your agenda.

Back on topic -

This is just about one school deciding it's going to try & extend its remit outside of its grounds, for shits & giggles as far as I can see 'cos it won't make any difference!

What are they going to do - confiscate all envelopes addressed to "Parent/Carer of Jimmy Osmond" that they find kids giving to their friends?

Alexandrite · 15/10/2013 16:03

Stanley, when your dd is handing out invitations in the playground are there children nearby who have not been invited?

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