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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the school need to support my child

340 replies

mychildisnotnaughty · 10/10/2013 19:02

DS turned 4 at the end of July so started in reception as one of the youngest. Hes been struggling and today I was called in because he ran out of the hall in a PE lesson then when the TA tried to get him back in, he had a tantrum. He then had to wear his PE kit the rest of the day as he refused to get changed and he had no top on as he refused to wear his t shirt.

They said he won't line up either and runs off, also had a tantrum when going to lunch. Also keeps trying to run off at the end of the day.

At the moment I feel he is not being supported, they just keep trying to put him in time out but this doesn't work, I said he needs ignoring but they said that isn't possible. To me it's all down to him being a summer born.

They also complained he's been annoying the school rabbit, this really upset me as at home he loves animals.

AIBU to think they need to do more to help than ring me, as he behaves fine at home so I can't do anything.

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 10/10/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiepotter · 10/10/2013 20:56

I would see if you can find a way of cutting his hours down to half days for a bit.It sounds as though he is totally hyper which makes me think he is too tired and too overstimulated with full time school

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 20:59

They need parental support.

The inappropriate behaviour is happening at school though. The OP is managing his behaviour at home. Support cuts both ways. Shifting the responsibility on to the parent for what happens at school is not support. The OP cannot actively parent whilst she is not present.

Again, how can you even presume your nice little list is not happening at home?

PortHills · 10/10/2013 21:02

Have a look on this website and find your local branch:

www.parentpartnership.org.uk/

My DS has had difficulty settling in (not behavioural stuff, just wanting me) and they have been very helpful and good to talk to. Our school has been brilliant, and I won't fault them, but it is useful to talk to a 3rd party who have good ideas too. Plus helped me stop feeling so guilty.

hth

DIYapprentice · 10/10/2013 21:02

This is not about him being summer born, if it was they would have experienced it more often. Some children just don't make the transition into school well, regardless of being summer born.

Like it or not, you may have to find a way to make this transition go smoother for your DS. A friend's DS had real problems settling, and they had to go half days for a long time, with one of the parents being there with their child for most of the time. It was the only way they managed.

Ilovemyrabbits · 10/10/2013 21:05

I didn't put forward a nice little list. And the OP hasn't commented on whether she is following those actions. She hasn't said too much really. Which means I can only judge this situation to any degree based on the little she has said. And that makes me think she should be working with the school. We're not years down the line here and school are failing. We're barely 6 weeks into the new term of a new school and issues are being raised. They need to be sorted. Parents and school have to work together. Yes behaviour is poor at school, but that is sometimes because stuff isn't in place at home. Or because the child is tired, or over stimulated, or needs more help adapting to structure. That can be done by school to some degree, but has to be done at home too.

I see how these kids struggle first hand. I have been tasked to work with these kids a few times. It's not easy for anyone, but blaming school when you have so little information Bramble is as irresponsible as blaming the parents.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 21:05

www.ipsea.org.uk/

Also these people can help.

Fairenuff · 10/10/2013 21:07

OP has not said that she is doing all that, she has said there is nothing she can do. I have pointed out that there is, in fact, quite a lot she can do.

How is OP managing his behaviour at home? She says she ignores it. That is not possible in school, so OP could be more proactive at home by reinforcing - No, that is not acceptable behaviour.

She could put him into time out, the same as school does, to reinforce that there is a consequence for unwanted behaviour and school is no different to home.

OP wants to find a way forward, to help her son so if she is not doing some or all of the suggestions, she could perhaps try them.

She did come here asking for advice after all.

BrokenSunglasses · 10/10/2013 21:11

YANBU to think the school should support your child, but YABVU if you think that they can just ignore a child in a school setting, and YABVU if you think this is down to him being a summer born.

Summer born children have been starting school at 4 for years. I can assure you they do not all have tantrums and refuse to wear clothes. You need to support the school with this, and maybe take things that they do at school into the home so that your ds gets a consistent message.

You sound like you just want them to get on deal with it without any input from you, and I think this attitude would be very wrong.

itsametaphordaddy · 10/10/2013 21:21

So all summer borns should be allowed to piss around and behave as they like op? Have you ever looked after 30 children at the same time? On top of looking after them have you ever TAUGHT 30 children at the same time?

Blissx · 10/10/2013 21:31

And how do you know she isn't doing all that already? She never said she has some issue with behaviour at home did she?

She does have an issue with behaviour, she just says she ignores it. What are you going to do, OP when he is 15? Still keep ignoring his behaviour then? Sounds like you are focusing a lot on your studies and hoping school will magically deal with your DS on your behalf (from what you have said in your posts).

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 21:32

There are usually TAs in reception. So 30 children to one teacher is not the norm.

The school do have a a Duty of Care to the child. Every child also had a right to receive an education. Even without parental support the LA is responsible for providing an education for this child and the school is accountable to the LA. They should be speaking to the LA if they feel unable to do this.

tshirtsuntan · 10/10/2013 21:37

It's tricky, if you defer/take him out does that not give the message that this behaviour results in not having to do what you Don't want to? Ultimately he'll have to go to school? Also just wondering if he behaves fine at home why you have "strategies that work" at all?

BackforGood · 10/10/2013 21:43

Yes Bramble - the school care, which is why they've approached the child's Mum to try to work together with her. As everyone has explained, ignoring a child while he does as he wants is just not a safe - nor sensible - policy in a school environment. If it's not happened before he started, then the OP needs to build a relationship with the school so they can work together on supporting her ds.
Being Summer born is not excuse enough for the way he is behaving, otherwise of course around 1/4 of the children in the class would be behaving like that.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 21:45

tshirt so it is against the norm to ever have to use strategies to manage a child's behaviour at home? I don't think so...children learn and will make mistakes. Adults support them, correct and manage their behaviour.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 10/10/2013 21:51

Wow some harsh replies there. My daughter is summer born and struggled in some ways academically not behaviourally it looks like she has dx though. A school principal was recently telling me that the evidence does highlight much greater potential for issues with younger children, they need more support and learning difficulties are more prevalent. So OP I would think the summer born thing does contribute a lot more that the experience of others on the thread highlights. I think you need to work with the school to deal with his behaviour but I definitely think YANBU suggesting the school needs to support him.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 21:53

BrokenSunglasses · 10/10/2013 21:57

Bramble, do you honestly think the LA is going to take the school seriously if they haven't even tried to engage the parent in dealing with an issue first? Especially when we are taking about a child who is a mere few weeks into reception?

ilovesooty · 10/10/2013 22:02

The other children in the class have a right to an education too - one which is not compromised by one child's behaviour, which needs to be tackled by the home and school working in partnership.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 22:03

The LA will not take the school seriously if the school has not put in place any strategies to support this child, themselves. Under the funding reform a school has to demonstrate a spend of 6k on additional needs individually for a child before High Needs funding is applied for. This equate to 12 to 16 hours 1 to 1 support. They receive extra funding upfront for this. This gives some idea of what actions lie within a school's powers.

BackforGood · 10/10/2013 22:07

I think you are taking a massive leap into the future here Bramble - the child has just started REception. He is younger in the year, which can contribute to struggling a bit to settle, and they are trying to work with the parents to make life better all round for everyone. Absolutely the right thing to do.

Can you imagine the threads on here if someone's dc had all this extra support targeted at him in the first weeks of school, without the parents being involved in the planning of said support

schmee · 10/10/2013 22:09

OP - I think you should be asking the school, in the most constructive way possible, what they would like you to do. Were they just informing you or were they asking you to do anything? Did you feel they were putting it all in your court? What support would you like from the school?

It's good that you know that this is happening at school, though, as surely you want to talk to your DS about it now?

MrsWembley · 10/10/2013 22:11

Where is the OP?

She needs to respond to some of these suggestions - so many here are assuming things on both sides and it's going to end in tears...

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 22:13

I never said the parents should not be involved. Just pointed out that the schools are not powerless to act. Some time with the TA to support dressing and lining up should not be out of the question. The OP said her child has received no support, the school have offered up no strategies, apart from applying sanctions.

Fairenuff · 10/10/2013 22:14

The school will be using strategies and supporting the child. They will have explained the rules and consequences. They will reinforce the rules, give lots of praise and rewards for positive behaviour.

They also have a duty to inform the parent if there is a problem that is more than expected for the age of the child. That is what they have done.

I was called in because he ran out of the hall in a PE lesson then when the TA tried to get him back in, he had a tantrum. He then had to wear his PE kit the rest of the day as he refused to get changed and he had no top on as he refused to wear his t shirt

What would you like the staff to do when he refuses to get changed or wear his t shirt OP?

They said he won't line up either and runs off, also had a tantrum when going to lunch. Also keeps trying to run off at the end of the day

He could maybe benefit from a visual timetable, showing the routine and expected behaviour. You absolutely can, and should, reinforce the importance of not running away from staff.

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