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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the school need to support my child

340 replies

mychildisnotnaughty · 10/10/2013 19:02

DS turned 4 at the end of July so started in reception as one of the youngest. Hes been struggling and today I was called in because he ran out of the hall in a PE lesson then when the TA tried to get him back in, he had a tantrum. He then had to wear his PE kit the rest of the day as he refused to get changed and he had no top on as he refused to wear his t shirt.

They said he won't line up either and runs off, also had a tantrum when going to lunch. Also keeps trying to run off at the end of the day.

At the moment I feel he is not being supported, they just keep trying to put him in time out but this doesn't work, I said he needs ignoring but they said that isn't possible. To me it's all down to him being a summer born.

They also complained he's been annoying the school rabbit, this really upset me as at home he loves animals.

AIBU to think they need to do more to help than ring me, as he behaves fine at home so I can't do anything.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/10/2013 19:21

I agree with other posters. he school has a duty of care and cannot ignore a child who is behaving in a way that endangers his well being and disrupts everyone else. You'll have to find some other strategies to facilitate engagement and learning.

Original poster
mychildisnotnaughty · 10/10/2013 19:23

I can't afford childminder, childcare is paid through my grant I get for being mature student and they won't pay for him while he can be at school.

OP posts:
ShadeofViolet · 10/10/2013 19:24

Have you spoken to your DS about needing to line up?

If the school ignored him as you suggest, most parents would then complain that the school was not giving the child adequate attention. They cant win.

Also, they need to teach the other children that that behaviour is not acceptable, before they all start to do it 'because Jimmy does'

MrsWembley · 10/10/2013 19:25

Tbf, it's not the school's fault if your child isn't ready and you can't say it's because he's summer born as they would be used to that and prepared to be more lenient. Teachers also have more than your child to worry about and spending more time with your DS because he's not doing as he's asked means less time with the child who sits quietly in the corner, not playing or making friends with anyone.

My DD is a June baby and behaves beautifully at school (better than she does at homeHmm), partly because she loves learning but partly because her nursery prepared her for the routine.

Maybe take him out til Easter and in the meantime get him used to behaving for other people. You can't be with him all the time and he needs to know what is expected of him when you're not around.

Shellywelly1973 · 10/10/2013 19:25

I feel a bit sorry for the op.

Yes she needs to realise school can't ignore behaviour that carries risk ie running off etc.

Realistically, what can a parent do if their child isn't behaving in school?

I've got a child with complex SN but it was easier to deal with that situation then my youngest ds behaviour.I have done eeverything asked of me. I supported school decisions I didn't agree with but ds behaviour hasn't improved- if anything its deteriorated.

TigOldBitties · 10/10/2013 19:26

Don't leave college, that a ridiculous suggestion.

If he behaved at preschool he can behave at actual school.

He's a 4 year old, maybe he has sn, but regardless, I doubt his behaviour is unmanageable. The school probably want you to do work with him at home.

Tell him to leave the rabbit at home, sort out some way of influencing his behaviour at school like a reward chart and work with the school. Find out what they suggest you do. Speak to the preschool for useful tips. Ignoring him is not a suitable option

ICameOnTheJitney · 10/10/2013 19:27

How is his language and communication OP? does he play well with other kids when he's in a comfortable situation?

nkf · 10/10/2013 19:28

This idea that they are fine at home therefore there it's a school problem doesn't really hold up. School is different and they have to learn different rules. I agree with the role play. I had a very young boy and we used to play (endless it seemed at the time) games with stuffed toys. Lining up, sitting on the mat, listening while he (as the teacher) talked. I would make one of the toys "naughty" to see what would happen. One poor bear was permanently excluded. Anyway, it was long winded and rather silly now I see it typed out, but somehow by articulating the rules himself, he seemed to get the hang of them. Hope you find a solution.

YoureBeingADick · 10/10/2013 19:29

Well then you need to be doing as other suggest and getting him used to behaving for others, following rules, role play etc. you really cannot just ignore this.

Spirulina · 10/10/2013 19:30

Assume ore school wasn't full time? School is.... There's the difference and that is probably your answer

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 19:30

What support have the school put in place? How has this been reviewed? It is the school's job to support your child. They have to spend an additional 6k and demonstrate this before they can apply for High Needs Funding. 6k equates to 12-16 hours 1to 1 support. So this could mean a TA supports him specifically at lining up times and with dressing. There are many strategies they could use, such as a timer with dressing, or even having him come separately into sessions without lining up, joining the line gradually at the back with a TA as he progressed.

Spirulina · 10/10/2013 19:30

*pre

YoureBeingADick · 10/10/2013 19:30

Also- when was his hearing last tested?

martinedwards · 10/10/2013 19:31

Clearly it's all the education system's fault for having kids born in the summer in school.

TWADDLE!!!!

lots of good advice posted already about YOU preparing the child for school.

ignore him you say, OK, lets be the teacher.

one child has thrown off his shirt and run out of class, so we'll ignore him.

what do the other 29 kids do when they see that it's perfectly acceptable to throw off thier shirts and run out of the room?

hmmmmmmm

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 19:33

Clearly it's all the education system's fault for having kids born in the summer in school

Short answer is YES. Children develop at different rates for all sorts of reasons. There are established processes, in place, within the system, which the school can utilise to deal with this.

Ilovemyrabbits · 10/10/2013 19:34

Putting the blame on the school is not the solution. Schools are generally used to dealing with young children. They understand that they need time to settle. If your child isn't coping, they will work with you to sort out as much as they can, but you have to accept, they can't ignore his behaviour. They have to do what's best for the school and the other children attending. I understand you're having a bad time of this, but take ownership of the problem and stop blaming the school completely. See what you can do to sort this proactively. The school will have experience and tips they can share and you would be wise to take on any advice you can. I hope it works out well for you both.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 19:38

Ilovemyrabbits

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/1862438-Teachers-do-not-adhere-to-Statemented-1-to-1-support-do-not-believe-in-sub-levels-make-APP-assessments-up-How-much-of-what-parents-are-told-by-schools-about-teaching-is-a-box-ticking-exercise

Read this thread. Then tell me you feel the same.

Thing is children receive actual Statements of SEN and funding, with support tailored especially for them and schools do not adhere to them

So in this situation how can we expect children to receive the right support? The money is there, the advice is there, the staffing is there but not utilised for the children it is meant for. If they progress from needing the support and it can be tailed off this is not communicated either, so there are less funds available to those that do need it. Mess the whole lot of it!

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 19:39

People seem to prefer to blame the parents or worse of all the children....

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2013 19:45

They can't ignore him! It is not down to him being summer born either...
Did he behave like this at nursery?

frogspoon · 10/10/2013 19:59

Sorry you're in a difficult position OP, but so is the school. Even if he is young for the year, unless he has a SN, having tantrums and refusing to follow instructions cannot be tolerated. The school cannot ignore his behaviour, because otherwise other children will see that he "gets away with it" and will start acting up too.

They are doing the best thing by ringing you to discuss his behaviour. You need to come up with better strategies and work with the school, not against them, in order to help your child.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 20:16

You need to come up with better strategies and work with the school, not against them, in order to help your child.

The school needs to come up with better strategies. The OP is a mother not a teacher, she has advised to the best of her ability.

Fairenuff · 10/10/2013 20:18

There are lots of things you can do to support your child and work with the school

  1. Get him checked medically, especially his hearing

  2. Make sure he has a routine at home, dinner, bath, bedtime story, etc.

  3. Make sure he is getting enough good quality sleep

  4. Make sure he has a good diet. Cut any junk food/sweets out of his daily diet and reserve them for just one day a week

  5. Give him some simple responsibilities at home and make sure he does them, such as tidying up after himself, etc.

  6. Be consistent with rules and stick to routines so that he understands they are not there to be broken

  7. Give him lots of praise for his efforts. If hitting is a problem a school, make sure you don't hit him at home.

  8. Tell him that you expect him to follow rules at school

  9. Start a stamp chart for him to earn rewards

  10. Tell him that if his teacher says he has not followed the rules, he will have a consequence at home (take away favourite toy, etc.)

  11. Follow through.

brambleandapple · 10/10/2013 20:30
Hmm

Fairenuff Who says the OP has not done all that? or is doing all that already? Sounds very much like blame shifting to me...

The OP is managing her child's behaviour at home. The school needs to manage his behaviour.

ThisIsMeToo · 10/10/2013 20:38

YY bramble

And why on earth should the child being punished twice? (Your No 10)
And how do you know she isn't doing all that already? She never said she has some issue with behaviour at home did she?

Ilovemyrabbits · 10/10/2013 20:44

Brambleandapple I wasn't blaming the parent or the child. I was saying the OP has to take some responsibility to help with this. I know this because I work very closely with young children with SEN in schools. If it was an easy fix, trust me, the school would take it. If they have said there are problems here, they want to work with the parent to sort them. They are taking into account not just the needs of the child, but the other 29 children who may be in that same class.

School will generally look for solutions, but they can't cure problems overnight. They need parental support. In this case, the OP seems keen to blame the school for not taking the same approach she does, when clearly this won't work in a classroom environ. I rarely get annoyed about things at school but when parents just want the school to take full responsibility for a child who is struggling, I get pissed off.