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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the school need to support my child

340 replies

mychildisnotnaughty · 10/10/2013 19:02

DS turned 4 at the end of July so started in reception as one of the youngest. Hes been struggling and today I was called in because he ran out of the hall in a PE lesson then when the TA tried to get him back in, he had a tantrum. He then had to wear his PE kit the rest of the day as he refused to get changed and he had no top on as he refused to wear his t shirt.

They said he won't line up either and runs off, also had a tantrum when going to lunch. Also keeps trying to run off at the end of the day.

At the moment I feel he is not being supported, they just keep trying to put him in time out but this doesn't work, I said he needs ignoring but they said that isn't possible. To me it's all down to him being a summer born.

They also complained he's been annoying the school rabbit, this really upset me as at home he loves animals.

AIBU to think they need to do more to help than ring me, as he behaves fine at home so I can't do anything.

OP posts:
NewNameforNewTerm · 12/10/2013 11:31

Lots of parents want more support for their children, doesn't mean the school are not supporting in the way they see fit at that moment looking at the big picture of everyone's needs and the constraints of finances.

Yes I agree that early posts argued about SN / "non norm" behaviours, but I find it so frustrating that it has become (almost) a school is failing to meet his SN debate, rather than a support the OP in understanding school and how to work with them to help her child adjust his behaviours.

brambleandapple · 12/10/2013 11:34

Schools also need to understand how to work with parents.

the way they see fit unfortunately is not always correct or even legal.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/1862438-Teachers-do-not-adhere-to-Statemented-1-to-1-support-do-not-believe-in-sub-levels-make-APP-assessments-up-How-much-of-what-parents-are-told-by-schools-about-teaching-is-a-box-ticking-exercise

NewNameforNewTerm · 12/10/2013 11:39

But working with parents isn't blindly following the advice parents give if it isn't appropriate in a school setting.

I am not denying there are shortcomings in support provided for some pupils with SN/AN, what I am frustrated (and offended) at is the assumption by some posters that it is all schools failing all children with these needs and jumping to conclusions that this is the case as soon as a post is made that may support their arguments that this is universally true.

brambleandapple · 12/10/2013 11:41

Ditto parents blindly following the advice of teachers.

Btw I don't think all teachers are consistently bad, just that there is some awful practice going on.

NewNameforNewTerm · 12/10/2013 11:48

"Ditto parents blindly following the advice of teachers" - exactly.
The number of parents evenings I have sat in with parents debating why children are well behaved in school but little monsters at home. What can they do to change home behaviours. I can offer suggestions linked to what we do in school, but I can't guarantee it will work... my own kids are proof of that! I often feel totally inadequate as a parent compared to as a teacher! Confused Thank goodness OFSTED don't inspect teachers in their own homes!

brambleandapple · 12/10/2013 11:49
Grin
FrightRider · 12/10/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 12:34

What child is perfect?

Viviennemary · 12/10/2013 12:39

It just sounds as if he is a bit too young to have started school with all the lining up regimentation and so on. I think mornings only would be a good idea. I don't think the answer is ignoring him. As the other chidren will think it's fine to run off.

Retroformica · 12/10/2013 12:54

It sounds to be like he is exhausted and would be better off with a part time time table. Can he do mornings only or three days a week if he is so exhausted?

Yes I do think the school should be ringing you. You need to work together.

Retroformica · 12/10/2013 12:56

At the end of the day your boy will just have to conform. I can understand why ignoring him is not a practical option for the teachers

YouTheCat · 12/10/2013 13:30

You can't ignore a child who is running out of the class, running around the school and generally causing havoc. It is not practical or sensible.

You can bet your bottom dollar the parent would have something to say about it if her child came to some harm whilst being ignored.

merrymouse · 12/10/2013 14:25

merrymouse no-one has said that the other 29 children are able to cope and, to be fair, that's irrelevant to the OP. She only needs to know about her child, no school would discuss another child with her.

Well if more than 1 child is doing a runner, they really have problems!

My point is that running out of class is an extreme reaction, not something caused by using the 'wrong' parenting technique. Children come from all sorts of backgrounds and manage to do P.E. without running away. Children with good communication skills, self control and no sensory difficulties do not have problems joining in with this kind of class.

My initial understanding of the OP was that they had been called in to take the child home early, (which I think is bad because it gives the impression to the child that the school can't cope and disruption = home time). On re-reading, it now seems to me that the the school just wanted to begin the process of discussing the problem. I sense that the OP either felt defensive, can't face the logistical difficulties of temporary part time school, or is going through the difficult process of realising that something is wrong, which often happens around reception/year 1.

I think that either this child is too young to be in school full-time, or this is part of a wider problem (and if the OP is honest with him/herself, this isn't the first time that additional difficulties have been apparent).

However, fundamentally schools have a responsibility to educate all children, not just the easy ones, and including those with 'bad' parents.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2013 15:05

There are four children in my class who might 'do a runner' at any time during the day. Only one has a 1-1 worker. It's increasingly common in young children. More and more are starting school unwilling or unable to follow instructions.

Even if the child has SN, even if they have full funding, the parent still needs to work with the school to help implement an action plan.

It is possible to restrain children, if the staff have been specifically trained for this, but it would be a last resort. OP's son is only four but as the children grow bigger, the problems, if not addressed, become more and more difficult to manage.

This is why so many children go 'off the rails' during their teenage years. They are too old to be confined to time out. They have learned that, actually, there is nothing adults can do to stop them doing whatever the hell they like.

Once they become adults, they can of course be arrested and forced into 'time out' via prison, but no-one would want that for any child. It's so important to face up to the problem now, whilst he is young enough to learn and change.

Saying that school should ignore him, that works best, is not a strategy suitable for school or, indeed, for the parent, long term. He needs to be taught to comply and that means parental involvement, if it is to be successful.

Yes, the school have a duty to educate him and they will do that as best they can. But in seven short years he will be gone from that school. The parent is best placed to help him, support him, teach him and guide him through his young years so that he can grow to be a well balanced man who understands how he fits into the world and his responsibilities towards others.

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 16:07

However, fundamentally schools have a responsibility to educate all children, not just the easy ones, and including those with 'bad' parents.

I agree with this. If we are ever to deal with social inequalities this must happen.

wispawoman · 12/10/2013 16:21

Genuine question - why are we seeing an increasing number of children unable to comply with what is being asked of them? Avoiding 'confrontational' situations - I suspect that this frequently means actually asking children to do things they don't feel inclined to do and have been used to getting away with refusing. I gave up a long career in teaching young children when I realised how much time I was spending coaxing children to do what I had asked, and how much teaching time was wasted, and how enthusiastic I was supposed to look when they actually deigned to comply.

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 16:25

wispa It happened in the old days, except we were smacked or humiliated Sad and were genuinely petrified of the teachers. The ones that couldn't cope would leave the school.

nkf · 12/10/2013 16:49

Sometimes children are well behaved at home because at home, they are never asked to do something they don't feel like doing. So, their wishes and the world around them are not in conflict. Anyway, children have to learn how to handle all sorts of situations.

The idea of regimentation and so on. Unless things have changed hugely in the last 10 years, reception is pretty much learning through play. Unless you've sent him to military academy or a prep school.

wispawoman · 12/10/2013 16:51

I only left a couple of years ago and I'm not that old - the days of smacking and caning were long, long behind us, thank heavens. I saw the change over 20 years of teaching; it was once very rare to have a child refuse to do anything and it when it happened it was the top topic of the staffroom! It is now increasingly common and I can only assume it because children are now asked their opinions on everything and so find it very difficult when they are expected to do something just because they are asked to do so at school. Perhaps their parents spend their days negotiating with their children; there isn't time at school and certainly not with 30 children at a time!

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 16:52

I went to school in the 70s. Old? Blush

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 16:55

I don't spend my day negotiating with my DC. Very valiant attempts are made but I'm the grown up version of them! Can't kid a kidder! Grin

NewNameforNewTerm · 12/10/2013 16:57

ODD
conduct disorder
PDA

None of this was talked about or even medically recognised when I was training.

NB Not suggesting this is OP's child!

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 17:03

I think in the 70s (and later) the teachers were less stressed. They could get away with a lot thinking back. We could spend whole lessons doing practically nothing in infants with no one batting an eyelid, unless you were really obvious about it. I had the same reading book for the whole of Reception, even though I could read.

I think some of the stress over 'standards' passes to the children and they are pushed a whole lot more.

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 17:04

We used to just get taught to text books or do very free play as well.

sturdyoak · 12/10/2013 17:16

We were genuinely scared of most adults though. Most parents smacked their children. I don't think this was a good thing. I was very shy as a child and really worried if I thought I would get a strict teacher. One hit me because I got a sum wrong Sad.

No I wouldn't go back to those days, even if it was a more pleasant job for the teachers.

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