To think the school need to support my child

[mychildisnotnaughty]

DS turned 4 at the end of July so started in reception as one of the youngest. Hes been struggling and today I was called in because he ran out of the hall in a PE lesson then when the TA tried to get him back in, he had a tantrum. He then had to wear his PE kit the rest of the day as he refused to get changed and he had no top on as he refused to wear his t shirt.

They said he won't line up either and runs off, also had a tantrum when going to lunch. Also keeps trying to run off at the end of the day.

At the moment I feel he is not being supported, they just keep trying to put him in time out but this doesn't work, I said he needs ignoring but they said that isn't possible. To me it's all down to him being a summer born.

They also complained he's been annoying the school rabbit, this really upset me as at home he loves animals.

AIBU to think they need to do more to help than ring me, as he behaves fine at home so I can't do anything.

NotYo the mother feels her child needs additional support from the school. The schools predicament lies beyond her experience.

Children rarely have to line up at home and change in altogether a different environment. Should parents have to use strategies designed for use in school, at home, under different circumstances? They may not even have the same opportunity to use them since the same circumstances cannot be replicated. Also who says the school's strategies are correct or appropriate for the home environment?

But schools do receive a SEN budget. Shame it is not ring fenced.

Should parents have to use strategies designed for use in school, at home, under different circumstances?

In a nutshell, yes.

Children are often with others and have to queue to use the loo, or wash their hands or wait their turn for something. We have to queue in shops, for instance. Pre-schoolers can learn this.

I used to play a 'stop and go' game with my toddlers so that they learned to stop when instructed. We all have to change our clothes at times so OP could reinforce with her ds that when he asked to change at school, he should do so without a fuss.

Parents can practise giving instructions to their child at home, such as 'tidy up time' so that the child gets used to follow instructions. If the parent gives lots of praise, the child will feel good about 'conforming'.

Well parents do deal with these circumstances. I would have thought if the OP was not coping in these situations she would have either asked for help sooner, or said in her posts.

There does seem to something peculiar about a school situation that makes these situations more stressful for a portion of children.

What I find strange about your post OP is that you say: BU to think they need to do more to help than ring me, as he behaves fine at home so I can't do anything.

There is a lot you can do, at home, to support your DS in adapting to school better. Do school role play, get him to practice taking his PE kit off and putting uniform on his own, play games such as 'Simon Says' to get him to follow instructions (you can adapt that game so that he has to follow two or three 'instructions' in a row); you can encourage more independence, practice turn taking, practice waiting for his turn.

Ask the school for a schedule of what he does at school and talk to him about it at home.

It's not a question of punishing your DS at home because of his behaviour at school, but of helping him understanding how school works and what is expected of him. You can work together with the school, but I think you are starting on the wrong foot by putting all the responsibility on the school.

"But schools do receive a SEN budget. Shame it is not ring fenced."

Schools do not receive an SEN budget. They receive a budget and from that budget a notional SEN budget is derived. That means that the LA highlights which elements of the school budget are intended to support children with SEN within the school. There is no separate pot of money.

In practice the notional SEN budget comes into play when the school goes to the LA and says 'we haven't spent £6k on child x, but we have so many children with SEN that we've run out of money.' At that point the question may be asked: 'What did you do with the £47k that we identified as your notional SEN budget?' If the answer was 'well we have 10 children who all require 10 hours per week support, so we've used it all on those 10 children (£12.63 x 10 x 10 x38)' then the answer may well be 'show us the paperwork and we'll contribute some extra funds.' If the answer was 'oh well we thought a beautiful flower bed would help all the children feel proud of the school' then they may be less forthcoming with the funds.

Ah the flower bed....it explains a lot.

I'd quite happily put up with plain Tarmac playgrounds, if it meant a more inclusive school.

To be honest, on the surface of it, it doesn't sound like he has been best prepared for school. You say on one hand that his behaviour is fine at home but on the other hand you say you manage bad behaviour by ignoring. Well that might work fine with a 2 year old going through the temper tantrums stage but by 4 year olds they need to have learned that they simply HAVE to do some things and that they are non-negotiable. This should have happened at nursery. A good nursery will not have kids wandering off at tidy up time refusing to do it, or refusing to sit quietly on the mat. OP, was your son managing to do this sort of thing at nursery? Or if it were a very laid-back playschool kind of environment, were they just letting him wander round as he chose? If he is not used to boundaries or expectations from either you or his nursery setting then he will really struggle with the expectations of Reception.

I wish people hadnt brought up the subject of SEN. Fro
What the OP is saying, the school is behaving exactly as it should and in the first instance trying to work WITH the parent to try and discover any possible reasons for such severe behavioural difficulties before they even start thinking about referring for SEN issues. I have no doubt that the teachers are now thinking "well, maybe that is an explanation - the parent is ignoring bad behaviour at home and this is simply an inappropriate strategy for a 4 year old and will result in the child assuming he can do as he pleases."

OP, I don't know where you have gone, but you will know whether your child is able to follow clear and firm instructions to do this or that at home when he is told to by the adult in charge, or NOT to something when you tell him not to. All you have told us is that YOU think his behaviour is fine and that when he displays bad behaviour you ignore it. What you think is acceptable and fine in your house may be very different from what the school, and indeed wider society, think is acceptable. You need to give us more info about his behaviour at home before people start on about SEN issues.

The flower beds are why it is in a school's interest to deny a child has extra needs.

Think about it:

A child needs 5 hours TA support (1 hour per day). That uses £2399.70 of the school's budget. That £2399 could have been spent on a resource that would benefit all children in the school. Instead, it's been devoted to one child.

It would be tempting to downplay difficulties for the 'good of all the children'. No?

I don't think that's happening in this case, however.

I don't think it's likely that 29 children are able to cope with PE and the 30th child finds PE so difficult that his mother has to be called in, purely because she hasn't done enough role play/set the right boundaries with him.

lougle

A child needs 5 hours TA support (1 hour per day). That uses £2399.70 of the school's budget. That £2399 could have been spent on a resource that would benefit all children in the school. Instead, it's been devoted to one child

That TA would be benefiting all the children through supporting just one child, if this prevented disruption to their lessons!

OP, 4 is pretty young. Is it possible that he is just not mature enough and not coping? Have you thought of pulling him out and starting again next year? I know that in the UK children to stat school at 4 quite often, but where I live (Australia) they usually start at closer to 6, this is thought to be particularly beneficial for boys. It might be something to consider.

I have an Autumn born boy - he struggled to settle in reception class, ime the school were not helpful. My own suggestions were rubbished and even actively discouraged. I felt a little bewildered - why on earth would a school not want children to settle asap?
He would cry every day and say that he was sad because the class has no x's. Ds has / had a strong attachment to a particular type of toy (due to where we live) and the reception class had none. The teacher was happy with my suggestion to buy some of these items, the headmaster overruled her and said no.
I bought some of the items and sent them into his class and the nursery class. It was like flicking a switch and he settled immediately knowing there was something in the classroom he particularly enjoyed when it was time to play.

Could it be something as simple as he misses a person from nursery / (& probably you) or a toy?
I know that might seem silly but it was something that made such a difference to my ds.
Hope you come back to the thread op.

merrymouse no-one has said that the other 29 children are able to cope and, to be fair, that's irrelevant to the OP. She only needs to know about her child, no school would discuss another child with her.

no-one has said that the other 29 children are able to cope and, to be fair, that's irrelevant to the OP. She only needs to know about her child, no school would discuss another child with her.

Although not quite irrelevant. Having this type of information allows a person to assess whether additional needs or SEN or SN are likely.

What child development research shows a 4 year old should be able to do this?

Do what bramble, stand in a line?

Any of the standard classroom routines for reception.

I would question the mum's advice on ignoring the child's behaviours as a school's duty of care is to keep the child safe; running from a room may put a child's safety at risk and school do need to address this.

Why has this automatically turned into a special needs debate? There is no automatic assumption that a child must have SN if they cannot conform to school expected behaviours. It is detracting from really important issues about SN support and funding by assuming school are not offering staged support for a very young child having tantrums; the child has only been in school a few weeks and the reaction of talking about school spending SN budgets and Higher Level funding is extremely inappropriate and unhelpful to the OP.

A stepped response of working with parents and the TA supporting is happening. If this doesn't show improvements then the support can be stepped up. It must be frustrating for the OP, but I believe from the information given the school is supporting her child. What does she actually want? School to follow her instructions on ignoring tantrums which could put her child at risk, other children at risk when they see the behaviours are not challenged and could lead to an undisciplined classroom, or an instant label of high level SN that needs fulltime one-to-one support?

I agree wholeheartedly NewName and this is how most posters responded to the OP at the beginning of her thread.

Unfortunately, she hasn't been back but hopefully she will have read the suggestions and will find some of them helpful.

The OP said she wanted more support for her child NewName. Earlier on in the thread there were quite a few posters that argued this type of behaviour is not the norm, which naturally leads on to a discussion of additional needs, SEN and SN. Many also asserted that the schools were powerless to act, which naturally leads on to a discussion concerning funding.

If you read between the lines, 'ignoring' tantrums could in practice mean not escalating the situation through confrontational behaviour, which can be relevant in any school management, or any conflict management for that matter.

There are lot of reasons for the behaviour and lots of strategies to use available, and the school is not being unreasonable to inform the op and ask for them to work together to solve the problems.

That's it basically. The rest is irrelevant.

I agree with a 'stepped' response also. However this involves positive action from the school and a willingness to change tactics if the strategies are not working. Or possibly more perseverance, if they think the strategies will actually work over time. This does NOT mean complaining to the mother every time a strategy does not work, with the expectation that she will solve the problem, without the school having to do anything. I only hope this is not the case for the OP.