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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that they googled the price of the bottle of wine I bought to the Mum's social?

349 replies

LovelyVerity · 10/10/2013 16:19

DS has just started primary school. As I work full-time, I've never had much opportunity to meet other local mums, though I know some of them to nod to. Last Friday, one of the mothers organised a social (bring a bottle) at her house and invited all the P1 mums.

It wasn't the best evening for me - I only had 5 minutes to change as I was late back from work, and felt a bit of a mess. Everyone seemed to know each other and made no effort to include me, and one woman had this pointed conversation about how easy one child was - I don't find it easy :( I bought a bottle with me (obviously) - just grabbed quickly from the rack at home. I was given a glass of something I didn't like much - but obviously I didn't say that!! I was driving, so I only had the 1 glass.

Anyway, one of the mums I know slightly through work told me that after I had left a few of the mums there were pretty smashed and googled how much my wine cost. Apparently they have been posting silly comments about it on facebook all week - and it is "the" in-joke of the moment.

Is this normal behaviour? Am I being silly to feel so upset about this? DS seems to have settled well into school, but I can't help think that maybe it was a mistake to send him there if this is how the MOTHERS behave!

OP posts:
Slipshodsibyl · 11/10/2013 14:57

I was just thinking the same as Mumzy. Are you teasing us op?

PumpkinGuts · 11/10/2013 15:18

Sour grapes

Good one one thumbwithch

pepper my concern is that I might think anyone who spits out perfectly drinkable tasty wine is a twat Shock Grin

ilovechips · 11/10/2013 15:31

So, one of the Op's original questions was "is this normal". I thought to myself no it is not, they sound like bitches. But sadly when the OP disclosed the price of the wine and then the fact she has a Nanny and two holiday homes, the tide turned against her on here as well.

It's a crime on this website to be anything other than struggling with life in one way or another. YANBU OP

Wuxiapian · 11/10/2013 15:37

It's plain and simple, Verity: jealousy.

You don't need that crowd!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 11/10/2013 15:40

Op, yanbu. They are. Good luck

momb · 11/10/2013 15:43

If you are worried that they are judging you for having more money than them then you are probably right. It may not be malicious, but they have noticed.
Stick a case of your lovely wine in the raffle and keep turning up to the P1 parents' nights. It will all be fine; you all just need to find your levels, rather like the children!

OvertiredandConfused · 11/10/2013 16:00

No comment to add on wine other than please come over for a chat at mine soon but I kind of understand the whole fitting in thing.

My DH and I both work full-time and had a nanny do school pick-ups for the first few years of primary school. Unavoidable, right for us and our family etc (as well as cheaper than pre- and post school care for two) but it did make forming friendships with other parents hard. it took a while of me making a real effort to get accepted. Now, several years on, it seems silly and several of the mums are great friends.

wishingchair · 11/10/2013 16:20

They will want you. Don't write the whole school off on the basis of one story you heard second hand. You sound nice and you will find other nice people. I made some amazing friends through school but they weren't the people I first met when dd was in reception (they were the judgy alpha mums!). Like most things, it takes time. Try organising a play date if you have the opportunity with the child of a nice mum! Birthday parties are other good ways to get chatting to others.

wishingchair · 11/10/2013 16:21

And K8M - I just knew it would be Surrey! Everything you said sounded so familiar!

BalloonSlayer · 11/10/2013 16:32

I don't think what they did was all that bad. We know a family with a mahoosive house and after us "ordinary Mums" went there for a party we all fell about laughing about how our houses would fit into their kitchen etc. It didn't mean that we didn't like them, just that we were pleasantly envious and also a bit embarrassed as to what they'd think if they came to our poky little houses. The family are lovely and no malice was meant at all . . . the laughter was due to us all feeling like Little Orphan Annie when she arrives at Daddy Warbucks' mansion.

I expect some of their jokes were along the lines of "OMG she bought over a bottle of wine that cost £29.99 and I handed her a glass of plonk that stripped the enamel off her teeth! How embarrassing is that!"

But, the woman who made a point of telling you all about it - now SHE is rude and shit-stirring.

charleybarley · 11/10/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roadwalker · 11/10/2013 16:40

If they never see you only a nanny and then the expensive wine they may have assumed you were being flash
How well do you get on with the woman who told you?

PumpkinGuts · 11/10/2013 16:43

But if it's in your price range and what you have..and you are meant to bring a bottle... its not flash..its just her.

It's like telling her to keep a shit car to drive to people's house in case they feel threatened by her BMW.

PepperGrinder · 11/10/2013 16:46

PumpkinGuts good grief, we never spat it out! Grin

Mumsyblouse · 11/10/2013 16:53

I know, why don't you offer a raffle prize of a week staying in 'either our UK or international holiday home'? Go on, you know you want to...

Now, Op, you are either quite emotionally illiterate to not notice that most people don't have a range of holiday homes, or rather over-egging the pudding.

PatPig · 11/10/2013 17:00

Um, I think most people would notice pretty much straight away that a bottle of wine clearly costs more than the £4.99 most people would bring to a school gathering.

It's not that difficult to spot, and I'm equally sure that pretty much everyone is aware that most people don't spend more than £10 on a bottle of wine let alone £30.

So it does look a little bizarre if you turn up having 'accidentally' picked up a £30 bottle of wine at a gathering when I assume most people are on average incomes (not a private school I assume) and would drink wine costing £5/bottle.

£29.99 is not 'reasonably expensive', it's very expensive, and most supermarkets don't even sell £30 wine.

Just sayin'.

Lizzylou · 11/10/2013 17:01

Op, you sound really lovely.
Just be yourself, but yes, I wouldn't offer your holiday home as a prize mainly because it could go horribly wrong if anything got damaged etc.
They sound very jealous and not the sort of people I would choose as mates.
It just doesn't matter if people bring Jacobs Creek, Pouilly Fume or Thunderbirds round to a gathering, if they are good company and genuine people then that is all that matters.

I don't think I would drink the Thunderbirds though, had some horrid teen morning after the night befores with that moonshine.

Lizzylou · 11/10/2013 17:04

Pat, lots of people don't buy their wine at supermarkets.
I do, for now, but lots of people really don't. And they would drink the £30 bottle like others would quaff Lambrusco.
I really don't think Op was trying to be flashy in the least.

TheArticFunky · 11/10/2013 17:07

My bil/sil are teetotal and wouldn't know a blue nun from a pouilly fume. They are given bottles from their suppliers but don't drink them. They have often given us some very expensive wine and I know sil always hands a bottle over the school fete. They are not show- offs.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 11/10/2013 17:10

I think they are just jealous. It sounds as though you are quite affluent, and they might resent that. Unfortunately jealousy makes people behave like arseholes.

Balaboosta · 11/10/2013 17:14

Woops! When I commented on page 1 of this thread - I thought this was about them laughing at how cheap the wine was... Der.

But really OP if you are a little more prosperous than other families it is incumbent upon you to use a little common sense and sensitivity in how you go about this stuff.

My household is better off than most of the families in DCs school and you just have to tread gently. And apply some self-awareness. Taking a £30 bottle of wine to a social is naive. Sorry.

Class signifiers are everywhere. Today was harvest festival. Earlier this week I just grabbed what was spare from the shelf (mostly chick peas - what was I doing with 6 cans?!) and put it in one of the posh waitrose bags with some posh biscuits and later cringed with embaressment with the middle-classiness of it. But dont' give up on engaging socially. In whole school, there are sure to at least a few mums you can make a connection with and once you do you'll wonder what you did without them!

PatPig · 11/10/2013 17:15

Most wine is sold in supermarkets. Apart from Majestic I don't think there are any of the off-licence chains left now.

Also even in an off-licence most wine is much cheaper than £30. Maybe £8-£10 rather than £5-6, but the people quaffing £30 wine are with very few exceptions rich.

People quaffing Lambrusco might get through a bottle every night. If that was £30 wine, that's over £10k a year, that's a lot of money to piss away, and it pretty much defines you as rich.

Nothing wrong with being rich, but you are rather drawing attention to yourself at the local primary school if you bring £30 wine to a gathering

At my kids' private school there are several families worth £10m+ and the fees are £10k+, so it's not odd to raffle off a day in your Lamborghini or whatever, and not really ostentatious, because plenty of other parents have something similar, but outside of that kind of environment discretion about your wealth is normal.

SybilRamkin · 11/10/2013 17:18

£29.99 is not 'reasonably expensive', it's very expensive, and most supermarkets don't even sell £30 wine.

Erm, Sainsbury's, Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and Waitrose all sell wine for well over £30. And what is 'reasonably expensive' depends on what people personally deem 'reasonable', not what you deem reasonable Pag.

BlingBang · 11/10/2013 17:19

The was all on one persons say so. It might to really have been that bad. Maybe not write them all off unless you had more to go on.

Balaboosta · 11/10/2013 17:20

Looks like I contravened K8Middleton's 1st commandment: Thou shalt not donate chick peas...