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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that they googled the price of the bottle of wine I bought to the Mum's social?

349 replies

LovelyVerity · 10/10/2013 16:19

DS has just started primary school. As I work full-time, I've never had much opportunity to meet other local mums, though I know some of them to nod to. Last Friday, one of the mothers organised a social (bring a bottle) at her house and invited all the P1 mums.

It wasn't the best evening for me - I only had 5 minutes to change as I was late back from work, and felt a bit of a mess. Everyone seemed to know each other and made no effort to include me, and one woman had this pointed conversation about how easy one child was - I don't find it easy :( I bought a bottle with me (obviously) - just grabbed quickly from the rack at home. I was given a glass of something I didn't like much - but obviously I didn't say that!! I was driving, so I only had the 1 glass.

Anyway, one of the mums I know slightly through work told me that after I had left a few of the mums there were pretty smashed and googled how much my wine cost. Apparently they have been posting silly comments about it on facebook all week - and it is "the" in-joke of the moment.

Is this normal behaviour? Am I being silly to feel so upset about this? DS seems to have settled well into school, but I can't help think that maybe it was a mistake to send him there if this is how the MOTHERS behave!

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 11/10/2013 11:13

They're odd OP. Honestly, who does that?

I'd be tempted to ask them next time I saw them, to say to them "I hear you googled the cost of the bottle of wine I brought to the social. Did you really do that? How odd? Do you find that sort of information useful?"

Then, if any of them bother to contact you afterwards, make a friend out of them. Its not as if you would want to be friends with any of the others if that's how they behave.

Judging people by how they behave (as opposed to how rich they are or whatever) is perfectly fine.

MoominMammasHandbag · 11/10/2013 11:16

People are just bitchy though. I live in a nice area, I would say everyone in my DS's class has a pretty good standard of living. When he was in nursery the whole clas was invited to a child's birthday party, at his house.
It was an absolutely amazing party, and a phenomenal house. I'd previously privately thought the mum was perhaps a little flash with what she wore and drove to do the school run, but after seeing their house I decided she was probably toning it down for school.
Anyway the point of this story is that three years on people still talk about how loaded they must be (child has now gone to private education) and this is among the Boden wearing 4x4 driving middle classes, who are certainly not skint themselves.

hardboiledpossum · 11/10/2013 11:17

a family at my primary school offered their holiday home at an auction, I remember because my parents won it and took me and my two best friends away. it was great and a lovely thing for the family to do. if anyone would think badly of you for offering then they aren't really worth knowing imo.

wishingchair · 11/10/2013 11:17

K8M - considering yours has just started reception, you are total expert! My DDs went to school in a leafy Surrey town and the mixed income brackets was totally normal. There were some mothers who totally zoned in on what your house was worth, what your husband did and therefore income, and everyone seemed to have skiing holidays. But there were others who were just lovely and that stuff made no difference - we were all just friends. I found it wasn't about ostentatious displays of wealth, it was more competitive stay at home mumming that went on. I always felt a fraud for buying nativity outfits from the supermarket rather than painstakingly crafting an angel costume myself. And lots of people had nannies esp if they had the kind of 7-7 day the OP speaks of, which is a perfectly normal London commute.

Anyway OP. Think you are right to ignore. You don't know how the conversation actually went. Just carry on as normal, be your normal self and you will find people you click with.

K8Middleton · 11/10/2013 11:20

I've put the hours in wishingchair on Mumsnet

wishingchair · 11/10/2013 11:20

And maybe leave it a couple of years before you offer your holiday home.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 11/10/2013 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SHarri13 · 11/10/2013 11:31

OP, they sound like jealous wankers. They probably feel intimidated by your lifestyle (nanny and I'm assuming you have a bit of cash). They're failing to see that you are a human and that your bank balance does not define you.

The school playground is a minefield, it took me a good 6 months to feel comfortable and make some solid friendships.

naturephoto19 · 11/10/2013 11:44

Not Normal, I would be very Angry and wouldn't have anything more to do with them, don't let them get to you they are not worth it!!

LessMissAbs · 11/10/2013 11:52

And no, I wouldn't offer your holiday home as raffle prize. Not because of the way they behaved, but in general, if they trashed it or caused damage, it would be a nightmare as you will have to see them regularly at school.

AmberLeaf · 11/10/2013 12:08

They sound like a bunch of meanies.

Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 12:33

I don't know why but 'bunch of meanies' made me Grin

I guess it's the whole thread encapsulated really.

Original poster
LovelyVerity · 11/10/2013 12:34

Thank you everyone - I will take it on advisement and hold off offering our holiday home. It was just an idea because I know how difficult it can be to raise money for community events, and things like that can make a real difference. I would struggle to get time off in the day, and just wanted to make a supportive gesture, as we thought it would be a bit awkward for our nanny to get really involved in the PTA - but it would counter-productive if people just interpreted the donation as us being showy - which isn't my intention at all.

I actually wouldn't be bothered who won the prize. The house is looked after by a local management company and let commercially - so there are often customers there, and we wouldn't have anything to do with whoever went. If there was a problem with damage etc., the local agents would deal (though we have never had a problem ever in the 8 years we've let it). We've also have a UK holiday home, which we usually let a charity my husband is involved in use for a few weeks a year - and we've never had any problem at all there either. Mostly I think if you treat people nicely they respond in kind.

Thank you Kate Middleton for the benefit of your research - it did make me laugh out loud - I think I have been so focused on persuading my husband to give the local primary school a try, I had forgotten that the local primary might not want us :(

Jacob's Creek in future - I will get a couple of bottles in :)

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 12:44

I have always found it really easy to make decent sized anonymous donations to schools.

If you are concerned about supporting the shool without being showy you can do that. No one will ever know.

anotetofollowso · 11/10/2013 12:54

Extraordinary nastiness. Especially from the Mum who told you about it all - unless she wanted you to retaliate.

Hullygully · 11/10/2013 12:54

What's the point of that?

Hullygully · 11/10/2013 12:54

mine was to paggy

PepperGrinder · 11/10/2013 13:04

£30 wine is really nice Grin
Not any more, but there was a time when for a variety of circumstances we were drinking wine in that price bracket all the time. Mostly we bought en primeur and cellared it for a few years (NB in a cupboard under the stairs and not in an actual wine cellar, if that makes a difference). We shared the price of a case with friends. Cost to us was probably £8 per bottle.
We moved, and haven't been able to hook up with people who do this locally. Bit sad, really, it's enjoyable. Unfortunately if I mention this now, people look at me like I'm a massive twat. I just think: your loss, Jacob's Creek really isn't that nice and you're missing out through your own prejudice.

So if someone brought round a bottle at that price I would probably assess them to see if they were a wine-twat, or just liked wine, like us.

Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 13:05

You are bad Hully.

K8Middleton · 11/10/2013 13:24

If you're in Surrey Pepper let me know. Sounds right up my street paying £8 for £30 bottles of wine.

Pag will be in too but don't bother asking hully. If it's not a milk stout served in her tankard she's not interested.

We can practise our braying when making arrangements.

K8Middleton · 11/10/2013 13:27

Op the school will want you and your little boy.

Schools need a mix. It's healthy.

Hullygully · 11/10/2013 13:33

They will deffo want your wong if not your wine.

PepperGrinder · 11/10/2013 13:37

I'm not in Surrey but I'll eat my hat if there aren't plenty of good-wine-non-twats in Surrey: sniff them out!

If you look for wherever and whoever is putting on the WSET courses then google the names of the tutors, they are often involved in reasonably non-twatty wine societies which have fabulous tastings and you meet loads of people who just like nice wine and are not interested in status. Occasionally there will be one or two brayers who joined by accident but, you know...such is life.

It astonishes me the number of people who turn down opportunities to do or have nice things because they think it's too posh or too twatty (or not enough!). If people are getting het up either way about a bottle of wine costing £30, they are being idiots and missing out on a lovely thing.

Thumbwitch · 11/10/2013 13:57

I think googling the price of the wine in itself wasn't that big a deal - but making it the "in joke" for the following week among these women makes them a bunch of twats.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong but clearly you have been ascribed motives you never even thought of - in future, Jacobs Creek is probably the right level to go for, and keep everything else low key or anonymous. Sour grapes and chip-on-the-shoulder attitudes from those other mothers will probably fade off if you aren't thought to be "flashing the cash".

glammanana · 11/10/2013 14:19

Just wondering after reading through the posts if the bottle of wine was opened or did the hostess keep it for her wine rack ?
One of the mum's probably saw a label they could not afford & felt the need to "google" the price,if it was opened it was possibly the best wine they had tasted in a while so just ignore the lot of them and don't worry yourself over it, not worth the energy.