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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that they googled the price of the bottle of wine I bought to the Mum's social?

349 replies

LovelyVerity · 10/10/2013 16:19

DS has just started primary school. As I work full-time, I've never had much opportunity to meet other local mums, though I know some of them to nod to. Last Friday, one of the mothers organised a social (bring a bottle) at her house and invited all the P1 mums.

It wasn't the best evening for me - I only had 5 minutes to change as I was late back from work, and felt a bit of a mess. Everyone seemed to know each other and made no effort to include me, and one woman had this pointed conversation about how easy one child was - I don't find it easy :( I bought a bottle with me (obviously) - just grabbed quickly from the rack at home. I was given a glass of something I didn't like much - but obviously I didn't say that!! I was driving, so I only had the 1 glass.

Anyway, one of the mums I know slightly through work told me that after I had left a few of the mums there were pretty smashed and googled how much my wine cost. Apparently they have been posting silly comments about it on facebook all week - and it is "the" in-joke of the moment.

Is this normal behaviour? Am I being silly to feel so upset about this? DS seems to have settled well into school, but I can't help think that maybe it was a mistake to send him there if this is how the MOTHERS behave!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 09:09

I guess it's just one of those situations where we won't agree vivacia

I struggle to believe that anyone has never figured out that lots of people have nannies /au pairs for school age children. It doesn't take a huge amount of imagination.
I've never had a nanny /au pair and I can quite easily see how it would work.

Original poster
LovelyVerity · 11/10/2013 09:13

I just want to say, I was definitely below the alcohol limit for driving. We live in a fairly rural situation, and there was no practical way to get to there without driving, so I made sure I only sipped at one very small glass of wine, and then switched to water. I am very sorry for your loss Houses I would NEVER drink and drive.

We have a full-time live in nanny who has been with us for 4 years. My husband often works away from home, and cannot be relied upon to share childcare - I know this is not ideal, but it is just the way it is :( He is the main earner and his hours are very unpredictable Lots of my friends are in similar situations. I generally leave the house at 7am and am often not back until 7pm at night 2 or 3 times a week - sometimes I have to travel for work and have on occasion been away for several days at a time. I couldn't work without our nanny - she is super efficient so I am sure she will find plenty of helpful things to do whilst DS is at school - she has already volunteerd to spend a morning a week helping at the school doing parent-type duties.. and they have only just started to do afternoons anyway.

Am feeling like I have it much more in perspective now after a sleep - and I am having a day off today which is very welcome. I do feel at a loss though - it never crossed my mind that the wine would create such a problem. I didn't even give any thought to how much it cost. There was a letter issued to parents asking for contributions to the Christmas Fair last week, and asking in particular for things that would make good raffle prizes or lots for a silent auction. I had been thinking of offering a week's accommodation in our holiday home - we occasionally let it out anyway - but now I am thinking that will perhaps be the wrong thing to do too :( It is all such a worry - I just want to help my son fit in, and support the school :( Any advice on this appreciated!

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 11/10/2013 09:14

To think badly of someone who cheerfully turns up to a social occasion with something expensive to give shows bitterness, jealousy and a sad lack of character.

If the person in question had, for eg. turned up in a Ferrari, swanned in in her fox fur coat and then told the host she wasn't happy about leaving her car out front with everyone else's bangers because of the 'rough areaaar' - then people might be justified in being a bit Hmm

I have a dear friend who i grew up with who happened to marry a rich bloke. She has all the trappings that money can buy - fancy car, pool, excess of bedrooms, expensive furniture, food and gadgets in her home (mostly chosen by her DH) She is genuinely as happy with a bag from matalan as she would be with a bag from D&G. No airs and graces at all. Caring and kind. She probably would have rocked up at a mums get together with a £30 bottle of plonk out of the kitchen cupboard. In fact she probably would have bought 5 or 6 of the bottles, passed it all around and cheerfully joked about how her DH'll have a fit! (he's tight as arse-holes).

I would hope no one would judge my friend the way OP has been judged. I would be very sad for her :(

fluffyraggies · 11/10/2013 09:15

Xpost OP

fluffyraggies · 11/10/2013 09:23

My advice on the holiday home thing would be not to offer it OP. Just my opinion. Couple of reasons:

1, the harridans from the get together will have a field day with that! :(

2, it would be awkward if a set of parents were to go to your holiday home and there was a problem with damage or something. More social headaches to sort out!

I think you should just remain friendly when you are at the school - and not to worry too much about your son fitting in. Cross hurdles if/when they crop up.

BooItTooJulia · 11/10/2013 09:23

Perhaps a wine tasting class would be a more fitting donation to the raffle...Wink

BrianTheMole · 11/10/2013 09:28

Sounds as though some of those mothers are on this thread op. I'd ignore them and move on. There must be other parents at the school that aren't as vulgar as them. Would you really want to be friends with people like that?

Hullygully · 11/10/2013 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hullygully · 11/10/2013 09:33

And you mean bRought, not bought, btw

Latara · 11/10/2013 09:33

Kind offer though it is I really wouldn't give a week at your Holiday home as a prize.

Just imagine if one of the bitchy women from the party won - would you really want them at your place? I wouldn't.

The best thing to do to fit in is just to be friendly but hold back a bit or you will get hurt more.

bearleftmonkeyright · 11/10/2013 09:33

O P, I live in a rural area where income varies dramatically between parents of the children at the primary. I think the best thing you can do is just pitch in at school events when you can and organize the odd playdate and not worry too much. I am very much at the lower income end and have frequently gone to others houses and salivating over their smeg fridges and granite worktops. But if our kids are friends you just have to get over it because at four they don't notice. Don't offer your holiday home as a raffle.prize, especially not at the moment. But do offer to wash up at the tea stall or bake a cake. Cake is a great social leveller I find Grin

defineme · 11/10/2013 09:35

I think you're absolutely right to pretend it never happened op, much the most civilised way to behave. I would steer clear of the woman who told you that, but if you're still keen give the others a chance.

It does seem to be in some people's nature to exclude people because of perceived differences...it's very limited thinking, but it does happen.

There are distinct groups of Mums and Dads in my kids' playground and a lot of does seem to be people grouping together because of things like they're in the same income bracket/work situation/hobby and some of them do appear to be quite exclusive. My friend thinks I'm really lucky because I float happily around the edges of all these groups just smiling and nodding in my own one person 'parent of child with special needs' group ...

I think if you work full time and don't do the school run, then you're onto a bit of a non starter in terms of being involved with other parents, unless you have time to go to evening PTA meetings or something because you'll only properly get to know people if you regularly show up. That said, lots of people get on perfectly well never doing the school runs and there's no rule to say you have to know other parents. You will meet other parents at birthday parties if you hang around.

Is there any flexibility in your work? Some of my friends have taken a few days holiday at the start of term to do their child's school runs. It means the teacher knows your face and you can have a chat with other parents.

This stage is very short in the great scheme of things, in a blink of an eye they're at secondary school and you never meet anybody!

itsn0tmeitsyou · 11/10/2013 09:37

ArbitraryUsername you are talking a lot of sense. This thread has gone too far beyond and into guesswork and perception and now all it's doing is displaying individuals' attitudes to wealth. Time to move on.

defineme · 11/10/2013 09:39

I'd say leave the holiday home offer for now, it's a minefield in terms of what if family damages it and so on.

TheGonnagle · 11/10/2013 09:48

Wow. If you turned up to my house with a beautiful bottle of wine to share I'd be thrilled, not bitchy. It is a shame that someone who is generous with what they have now feels they can't offer such a lovely raffle prize as well, but there you go- the other mums have themselves to thank for that loss.
Sometimes people are just mean. Brush it off and get back in there, you'll soon sort out who are the mums worth spending time with and who are the catty twunts.

DowntonTrout · 11/10/2013 10:05

Somebody must know a bit about wine to suggest googling how much it cost.

I would put it out, through the mum who told you what they had done, that you had mistakenly grabbed DHs good bottle that someone had bought him for a birthday present, instead of the £4.99 Jacobs Creek you meant to bring and that he was furious with you.

Then you can smile sweetly, pretend you're in on the joke, and never have anything to do with the vicious twats again.

As for offering your holiday home, lovely thought but it will be fraught with problems. It is a prize that will require further outlay- travel/flights, you will have to negotiate dates, do you really want the type of people who google your wine sniffing around your holiday home? I think not.

Northernlurker · 11/10/2013 10:23

OP you have no need to justify the use of a nanny to this thread or to anybody else. Nor do you need to explain why you buy £30 wine or have a holiday home (no DON'T donate it). It is the way of the world though that some people who do not have those things will react badly to you because you do. My advice is grow a tough skin. You'll need it.

CakeBotherer · 11/10/2013 10:23

But do offer to wash up at the tea stall or bake a cake. Cake is a great social leveller I findGrin

Just don't make lemon drizzle cake.

OrchidLass · 11/10/2013 10:26

And I don't like it when people ascribe motives to me that are false and probably say more about you than me OrchidLass.

So Vivica you really couldn't think what a nanny may do when a very young child is at school? I don't see how it's relevant to the OP's dilemma and if you were merely interested you could perhaps google or even PM the OP if you were so keen to find out. I'm afraid your comment just came across as a thinly veiled catty comment on the fact that the OP has a nanny at all.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/10/2013 10:49

I agree with K8M. We are pretty comfortably off but I don't think I've ever had a £30 bottle of wine. If I did I'd be showing off commenting on it on FB too!

My image of the scene is as follows:-

Susie:- This wine is lovely - who brought it?
Sal: Op I think. I wonder if you can get it from Tescos?
Sal gets her phone out.
Sal: Bloody hell - it cost £30! No wonder it's nice! Oh god - you don't think it's her husbands best bottle do you?
All feel a bit guilty while trying to decide if it would look greedy to top
Jane (the feminist of the group): Maybe she's the wine buff - it's not just men!
All look relieved
Sal:- oh god - what did we give her???
Julie:- it was mine I think - I bought it for £3.99 from Sainsburys
All: oops!
All look at each other with that weird horror / glee that you get where you realise you have totally cocked up but somehow gained out of it
Susie : Do you think she'll ever come back?
Sal:- Probably not. Still the least we can do is appreciate the wine now. Anyone for a top up?
Slight injuries caused as all scramble to get their glasses.

K8Middleton · 11/10/2013 10:50

Not the holiday home no.

See also:

Harvest festival - cheap tins only. Not baked beans (too many) and not chickpeas (too exotic).

Silent auction - fancy-pants prize from work is fine.

School play - expensive shop bought costume from Hamleys is a no. Costume purchased from supermarket or pillowcase and dressing gown cord with tea-towel on head are probably acceptable.

School fete - do take a fiver and buy a bit of cake. Do not arrive and cry in a braying voice (it's always a braying voice on Mumsnet Hmm) I will take any large cakes you have for the private PTA get-together I am hosting in my large, expansive comfortable home.

Never complain about reading books.

Mine has just started reception. I have learnt all of that from Mumsnet. I am hoping it will stand me in good stead.

KillerKoalaFace · 11/10/2013 10:52

YY to K8 and Mumof's scenarios.

Probably followed by comments of Facebook like "Here I'll give you some Tesco Scotch Eggs to eat and I'll eat that caviar you brought!"

Mumsyblouse · 11/10/2013 10:54

I find it very odd, OP, that unless you have been living in a gilded cage all your life, that you don't perceive that drawing attention to things such as your holiday home is not going to make you fit in. Nothing wrong with taking a nice bottle of wine round to someone's house and they were rude to comment on it- however, if your child is going to attend a local school, you don't go around flashing your holiday home in the local raffle, indeed it would be strikingly socially unintelligent to do so.

No-one is asking you not to be yourself, but it is all about social nuance. Nothing wrong with a nanny, nice wine or a holiday home, but you have to be aware others don't have those things, and so mentioning them in more subtle way, not as the first thing anyone gets to know about you (as you are not at the school gate to create your own first impression).

Either you are socially inept, or I'm with Hullygully on this one.

K8Middleton · 11/10/2013 10:56

And no bestowing alms on Maundy Thursday either. Just fyi... Wink

CrapBag · 11/10/2013 11:10

See it as a lesson learnt that they are people to steer clear of. Not people that you would want as friends. What a horrible bitchy thing to do. I can't imagine anyone I know doing this and we aren't saints.

I really wouldn't offer your holiday home. It won't go down well at all and will probably ostracise you more. Generally, people who use state education probably don't have holiday homes, nannies and expensive wine that they have no idea how much it costs.