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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should cater, or not invite?

180 replies

DSM · 07/10/2013 21:33

I have dietary requirements.

I realise it's annoying, I have to live with it. But it is a medical condition, not a choice.

So, AIBU to think that if you invite me to your house for food, you should actually cater yo my needs and not just make me eat what's suitable, thus leaving me with basic rations whilst watching everyone else eat a delicious meal?!

Or is catering to dietary needs such a hassle that I should expect to have to be left out?

OP posts:

Hanspannerly · 09/10/2013 10:17

My DH is a coeliac and last week we were sent an invite for dinner out with friends for her birthday. When was talking to her I mentioned that most places carted for DH but that there were a few places he wouldn't be able to eat. She sort of shrugged and said she couldn't promise anything! She is well aware of his issues and is in fact a GP so I was a bit horrified! Was he supposed to just sit and watch us eat?! YANBU at ALL.

Rockinhippy · 09/10/2013 10:19

But surely it's the height of bad manners to invite someone for a meal & then not provide one

Hanspannerly · 09/10/2013 10:21

Hanging, but wouldn't you just give the OP some ham or something to go with her potatoes? That doesn't take great cooking skills!

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 09/10/2013 10:21

It is. I mean it can be forgiven if they tried their best and didn't realise one item was unsuitable and accidentally made it so it wasn't ok. They could have at least then let her make something from the fridge.

I think assuming she'd eAt the side salad and sod bothering to make anything else is beyond rude and selfish.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 09/10/2013 10:28

Hans, no, I love cooking and am gluten intolerant and prefer to eat vegan. I'd love the challenge and enjoy being a feeder!

I'm just saying that lots of people don't know (or care, why should they?) about what they see as fads.

I know they're not, and that serious allergies can be fatal.

But as a guest and vocal adult, I make sure I've communicated and always have a back up in the glove compartment in case my food choice wasnt their priority. That's all.

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2013 10:33

OP, I think YANBU, they were rude, I am Vegan and have multi faith/cultural friends, though, so don't find "alternative" diets scary.

I have been invited to meals over Christmas, I have been happy to offer to take food, but everyone catering has asked me what to get, as the are hosting and that is what hosts do, they cater for their guests.

I am happy to settle for Tesco Lemon Sorbet for desert, or Alpro custard with banana's, again available in most supermarkets. There are gluten free meat alternatives easy available, to be able to do wraps, enchilladas etc, as there is sauces/dips.

Vegan, Gluten free etc isn't that difficult to find and create dishes. My cook in sauces (when busy) are all from my local supermarkets, as are the digestives I make my "cheesecake" from.

I would of spoken to them about it, afterwards, they were rude. I would find anyone odd if they didn't cater for every guest and likewise only had guests who ate exactly what they did.

claudedebussy · 09/10/2013 10:34

wow!

yaSOnbu

i had someone for christmas lunch who was allergic to garlic and onions. i managed to serve (i hope) a lovely lunch.

the gluten is a little more tricky but there are so many alternatives that it wouldn't be hard to make something you could eat.

next time if you still weren't catered for, i'd actually excuse myself from the table and go out to get some food. or wander into their kitchen and raid their cupboards. fuck em. incredibly rude.

HicDraconis · 09/10/2013 11:07

I don't think you'd be tricky to cater for - thought you were going to list far more than you did!

My sister is gluten, wheat, dairy free; I'm anaphylactic to peanuts. I cater for us fine when she visits (made a great gwd&nut-free cinnamon cake last Christmas).

I'd have made you gf pastry for your own pie (normally use gf stock anyway) and used corn tortillas (gf) for enchiladas (obviously leaving celery out but I rarely use it -DH hates it).

YANBU in the slightest - its downright rude to invite you for a meal and then serve you something they know you can't eat!

PosyNarker · 09/10/2013 11:19

If someone can't or won't cater for your dietary requirements they should at least tell you in advance.

Side salad is woefully inadequate (and you're unlikely to otherwise have a good time if sitting their starving) and potatoes plus vegetables is just unwelcoming, like you're an afterthought.

YANBU and they were really rude, particularly as you had travelled and given the option to eat out.

I'm sure you have to put yourself out / eat things that aren't your first choice often, especially when out and about. They only had to put themselves out once and GF really isn't hard.

I catered a group with 1 coeliac, 1 dairy free, 1 vegan and 1 nut allergy. It was a big group, so no nuts in any dishes and lots of options, clearly labelled. Easy peasy.

QueenStromba · 09/10/2013 11:26

I'm not sure if the pie of the enchiladas are more ridiculous. I'm leaning towards the pie because you can buy Knorr stock cubes in every supermarket and probably most corner shops - it would have been so easy to make the filling gluten free but they obviously just couldn't give a fuck. It's also not difficult to make a dessert that's gluten free. Have you done something to upset them?

Gluten free wraps are slightly harder to come by than gluten free stock cubes but they could have at least done some filling with melted cheese on top. Or, I dunno, make something that everyone could eat. Is there a chance that they'd bought corn tortillas thinking they'd be gluten free and didn't realise until it was too late?

Original poster

DSM · 09/10/2013 11:34

Sadly, I think maybe I have upset them.

DP and I went through a rough patch recently and I think they may hold me accountable (he was really very upset and went out to stay with family for a week or so, and they were all there, obviously only hearing his side of things..) so I wonder if this is intentional?

The more I read everyones responses, the more I am thinking actually quite how rude it was...

And no, there was no confusion, or mistake. They simply served the food and said 'you can't eat this'.

Hanging, yes, I am a guest and a vocal adult.. but I initially suggested going out for dinner, which we were told 'no, we can't afford to but you are welcome to come to ours'. So no, I didn't think I would need to bring an alternative meal over a 100 mile trip.

OP posts:

Weeantwee · 09/10/2013 11:43

I have a friend who is allergic to onions and garlic which I tend to use a lot in cooking but if I invite her for dinner then I come up with a menu without those ingredients and we all eat the same.

YANBU.

Coupon · 09/10/2013 11:51

YANBU. Anyone who is a friend will want to make their guests comfortable and happy.

claudedebussy · 09/10/2013 11:53

yup, sounds like they're bringing your fight into it. i think in that case it's up to your dp to sort it out with them.

still, shoddy treatment.

QueenStromba · 09/10/2013 12:03

That'd be it then. It is unbelievably rude to invite people over for dinner and not feed them while everyone else tucks into their food.

I low carb and our last guest was a vegetarian who's allergic to eggs which is a pretty tricky combination of dietary requirements. I actually enjoyed coming up with a menu that we'd all appreciate. I had to make a few attempts at getting the panna cotta to work with agar rather than geletin but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying fuck it and just making it with gelatin and telling her she couldn't have any.

PeppiNephrine · 09/10/2013 12:43

Whoever said that there are really lovely good hosts who don't know how to cook GF: bullshit. Less than 5 mins on the internet will provide you with all you need. If you're even slightly lovely or anything above the worst host, you can spend a tiny bit of time and a little effort to make something your guest can eat. Thats a basic.
If you are really shit at cooking or that clueless, you at the very least tell your guest ahead of time that you cant cater for them and give them the option of not coming or bringing food.
And if you are such a arsehole that you can't even manage that, you could at least apologise for not feeding your guests. OP's "hosts" didn't even manage that.

Original poster

DSM · 09/10/2013 13:02

I agree. Obviously, I know all about GF cooking so don't find it daunting, and to be fair they aren't great cooks.

However - you'd think if GF cooking was a stretch too far, you'd just cook a naturally GF meal, wouldn't you?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2013 13:39

Thinking further about it, if I went to a meal and a friend was left out because the hosts hadn't bothered to cater for them, I would ask them if they wanted to go anywhere else and get food, instead of sitting and eating whilst one person was left out.

This has happened when the host didn't realise that a guest didn't eat Beef ( they knew that Pork wasn't eaten), we all waited whilst food was picked up.

It is basic manners, if it isn't a case of the guest being just fussy.

pantsonbackwards · 09/10/2013 13:57

You're DH needs to make sure that he sets records straight about any bad mouthing he may have done about you whilst you were separated.

Still, that doesn't make it ok to practically starve someone!

kiriwawa · 09/10/2013 14:03

I've just checked my stock cubes and they don't contain gluten. I didn't even know you could get stock cubes with gluten in them!

I'm allergic to shellfish and kiwis and would be really pissed off if I was invited to someone's house and they served mussels followed by kiwi cake

ShadowFall · 09/10/2013 14:20

YANBU.

If you invite someone to dinner, then (assuming you're aware of guest's dietary requirements, which these hosts were), it's basic good manners to make a meal that your guests are able to eat.

It's really rude to deliberately serve a meal that you know a guest can't eat, unless perhaps there's an alternative meal provided. Side helpings of salad and veg aren't a proper meal.

QueenStromba · 09/10/2013 15:06

Bisto, Oxo and Tesco own brand stock cubes have gluten in them - all of the other ones I can find information for online don't.

toobreathless · 09/10/2013 20:00

I cooked gluten free for a friend today & in fact if Easter of everything you are allergic too (chicken Caesar salad)

I would always cater for my guests allergies. Hell, I tend to cater to fussy visiting children & toddlers too, finding out exactly what they will eat.

hooochycoo · 11/10/2013 11:20

Astonishing! I catered my own wedding ( for 100 people) and managed to make a veggie dish and a meat dish, both of which were gluten and dairy free. ( Veggie chilli and meat chilli) served it with corn tortillas and rice. So everyone could eat something that suited without embarrassment. And then let rip on a variety of clearly labelledcheesey gluteny meaty or salady sides that folk could choose to add if they wanted. I even made both chillis mild, with a couple of homemade hot sauces next to them so folk that didn't like spicey food could choose their heat.

hooochycoo · 11/10/2013 11:22

Infact, isn't it as easy to cook gluten free enchiladas as non gluten free? Just use corn tortillas and mix your own spices ?

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