To think you should cater, or not invite?

[DSM]

I have dietary requirements.

I realise it's annoying, I have to live with it. But it is a medical condition, not a choice.

So, AIBU to think that if you invite me to your house for food, you should actually cater yo my needs and not just make me eat what's suitable, thus leaving me with basic rations whilst watching everyone else eat a delicious meal?!

Or is catering to dietary needs such a hassle that I should expect to have to be left out?

We cook GF for my DM and it isn't remotely difficult. Occasionally I might make a GF version of something and one with gluten (e.g. cake, lasagne), but most of the time she just has exactly the same as everyone else. We tend to thicken sauces with cornflour anyway, so they aren't a problem. The other ingredients you can't eat are hardly staple foods. I made a cheesecake recently and the recipe even said that it would be really easy to make a GF version with GF biscuit crumbs.

They won't go out for a meal as they say they can't afford it. I suggested it for next time.

And I couldn't be that rude, to say 'will you actually cook something I can eat'. They are DP's side, so not easy for me to be frank, iykwim.

I think, in your shoes, I just wouldnt go. Or make sure I brought my own food/take away.

I can be quite rude and blunt though. I blame it on my Viking Heritage.

Are you coeliac too, DSM? I have, unfortunately, been in your position a few times, watching everyone devour a yummy meal while I sit there feeling hungry enough to eat the table. Sometimes I just laugh about it and joke that it helps me keep my weight down. Other times, I've had to fight back crying because it makes me feel like such a leper, as you say, and it also sends this subtle message that your hosts just don't give a shit about your condition and think it's made-up BS.

It's enough to deal with the inevitable cynicism from complete strangers when I have to tell them I'm coeliac but if good friends who are well-aware of my restrictions didn't cater for me, I would be upset.

I would just not accept any future dinner invitations from these friends and if they ask why, just say 'well you obviously weren't happy to adapt your cooking for my dietary needs so in future let's just eat out when we see you. We'll be eating at [name of nice coeliac-friendly restaurant] as that suits me best'. And don't bother inviting them for dinner either!

YANBU. At all.

call and thank them for the meal. Say it was a lovely night out and the food looked so delicious, it was so frustrating for you that although everything looked and smelt so good, you could not eat much of it! And then say they certainly put a nice meal together and thanks again for the invitation.

Next time take your own dish along to be warmed up and your own delicious dessert maybe.

It seems mean spirited to me to make food you know one of your guests can't eat. Isn't part of hospitality to make guests in your home feel comfortable and happy?

well, if they are DP's friends, why can't he say 'did you mean to be so rude to my DP by serving up food you know she can't eat?'?

I think it would be piss-easy to make you a slap up meal - roast with everything (and gravy doesn't have to have flour in it, or a stock cube for that matter, juices from the meat and water, let it boil and reduce a bit, that's how my mum always made it) and Eton mess for pud (don't think that's got gluten in is, has it?)

ta-da! And I'm not a very creative cook at all!

The problem, and the reason I am so bothered, is that I can't bring my own food next time, as they live over 100 miles away so visiting for dinner means staying the night in their city. Ergo not coming from home.

We've been on holidays with them and I think the woman (who is a SAHM and very much tries to fill a traditional wife role) isn't (obviously) a great cook. I am, and love cooking. I often cooked on holiday, and there was a situation one evening where she cooked, and comments were made about how my cooking was better, basically. So if I turned up with my own food... It wouldn't go down well.

We can't not see them as they aren't friends exactly, they are members of DP's family...

Seriously awkward situation.

DP actually did say that to the other hosts (the ones that gave me salad) but they were really apologetic and even through it was still far from ideal, it wasn't as bad as the steak pie couple.

And yeah, Eton mess is perfect and easier than a cheesecake anyway!

if she invites you again, could you call first and ask if there is any way she could serve some of her "delicious chicken, sausages, omelette", whatever you have had before, saying you know I can't eat everything and you make that so well?

I'd be ashamed to fob someone off with potatoes and veg, like I wasn't capable of using a bit of ingenuity to cook something they could eat and enjoy. I'd also have been mighty pissed off and maybe a bit hurt in your position. YANBU at all.

Zzz - that's not a bad idea. She made this rice thing once that wasn't great but I could eat it. DP wasn't a fan but he'll have to suck it up I guess!

They sound odd and rude and I would be buying something from M&S on the way to their house next time - stuff what they think! Big grin and 'I hate putting you to trouble'. Let's face it, they're not going to change - just BYO.

are they the kind of people who hand you a plate with everything already dished up on it as though you're a toddler? - I don't know why, but something makes me feel that they are !

"gluten, celery, shellfish, kiwi fruit, and mustard."

I was expecting something harder than that!

I mean I could understand it if you were a vegan who was allergic to gluten and tomatoes because no meat, dairy, pasta, pastry or even tomatoes to make any sort of sauce could be tricky, but it's basically gluten and some other little things that would be dead easy to avoid anyway.

YANBU. That's so rude of them. I think it's ridiculous to take your own. I would ask if they are ok with preparing something you can eat, and offer a list of suggestions. Offer to bring your own if they can't manage it. Surely this would shame anyone into realising

I think this is really inconsiderate of the friends and also shortsighted. More and more people suffer from intolerances and allergies and it's important to learn about these and how to cater for sufferers. Nobody in my close family does, which I feel grateful for, but a close friend's child has coeliac. She always offers to bring something different for her daughter but I refuse and make sure I make something everyone can eat. I'm sure in future our/DD's friends will have intolerances and I think it's good practice to learn to make decent food that is gluten free, etc. There are quite strict guidelines about not using wooden utensils, and other rules, which I wouldn't have known if I hadn't asked about the condition. To do it for one meal is a drop in the ocean compared to how sufferers have to watch what they eat on a daily basis.

TBF, it's not 'dead easy', it is a struggle and it can be a nightmare, gluten is hidden in so many things... As is mustard and, randomly, celery. Kiwi fruit and shellfish avoidance is pretty straightforward though

The gluten thing is probably the biggest issue. But like I say, it's not that hard. I manage. Other friends manage.

And yes, I have coeliac disease and the others are anaphylactic causing allergies. I have to carry an epipen around for those.

Gluten is in a lot of things, but likewise you can get flour etc without it in, so while I imagine you have to avoid a lot of things, it's not difficult to make something to suit you!

I have made various things for my mum who can't have wheat, it's not hard!

As a host I check for allergies etc and if I knew someone had specific needs it wouldn't be a problem at all.

YANBU at all, they are!

I've recently become involved in a mothers group which has several members who are on GF diets, and so I've been making sure I take GF contributions (we all take a plate of something). It's not hard to do GF, you can even substitute pretty much any of your favourite recipes and convert it. The other food allergies aren't mainstream foods and easy to avoid. I think you're "friend" is trying to make some sort of point. What a twerp.

I often cook for my DSis who is a coeliac. It requires a bit of thought and planning, but no more than for I'd put into any slightly special meal (and a meal with my DSis is special because she lives a long way away). I think your hosts were lazy and thoughtless.

Did you know Daim cakes are gluten-free, always handy to have in the freezer not that they last long round here.

Celery I'm pretty sure would be the hardest to avoid

Gluten is in so much, but I would ask your advice on what I could serve and just do that for everyone . Your other requirements wouldn't be a problem. Even if they were I'd still ask you what I could make for you and if nothing was possible then suggest I took you out for dinner instead!

I would be less willing to cater for a fussy eater than someone with allergies or vegetarian etc. everyone has some things they don't like (my friend avoids giving me peas whenever possible and never offers me mushrooms, cause she knows I hate them, but other than that I will eat most things) but when the list if things they like is shorter than the list if things they don't then I start to lose sympathy and would lean towards "well just eat the potatoes then".

Oh I meant dead easy to cater for you as a guest - obviously it'd be harder for you having to watch for those things all the time...but cooking one meal? I could cook you something no problem and I'm not exactly imaginative.