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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should cater, or not invite?

180 replies

DSM · 07/10/2013 21:33

I have dietary requirements.

I realise it's annoying, I have to live with it. But it is a medical condition, not a choice.

So, AIBU to think that if you invite me to your house for food, you should actually cater yo my needs and not just make me eat what's suitable, thus leaving me with basic rations whilst watching everyone else eat a delicious meal?!

Or is catering to dietary needs such a hassle that I should expect to have to be left out?

OP posts:
plecofjustice · 08/10/2013 09:55

I'm sure you didn't, but it can be really hard though. I have dietary requirements and am always really careful to cater to the needs of my guests. But the time we had a couple over, she emailed her (extensive) list of dietary restrictions in advance - no problem, I made us all a meal that worked aroudn them. Only for her to turn up and add another page and 1/2 of A4 to the list and refuse to eat any food I'd made, then flounce about as I knocked together quinoa and veggies - the only things I had in which met all her needs.

KitZacJak · 08/10/2013 09:58

YANBU - they sound really rude. I mean it is not that hard to make dishes without those items especially as you have to stay in a hotel to see them!!!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/10/2013 10:06

I'd probably freak out a bit at a list of allergies, but then I would spend 2 days on google and MN finding out what you could eat and then I'd make something suitable. And I'm a crap cook. No way would I expect you to sit there with a plate of broccoli.

SparkyTGD · 08/10/2013 10:21

YANBU, they are being rude. I could understand it you were just fussy but that's not the case at all. They perhaps don't enjoy cooking new things. Could you buy something that you can eat with whatever they are having next time? (and your own dessert, make sure its super yummy to make them jealous!).

I'm fussy btw Grin and don't mind if people don't cater to that.

Twit · 08/10/2013 10:32

YANBU. I get this at ds's Christmas family do every year. They make a salad (for effect) and tip croutons and dressing all over it. Thus rendering it in edible for me, along with the stuffed bird, crumbed ham and sausage rolls etc. I end up eating cheese, and getting moaned at for a) eating a lot of cheese and b) not eating anything else. When told why no salad they told me to pick out the croutons and give it a quick rinse. I take my own bits now which they say us insulting but hey ho I could always stay at home?

Pigsmummy · 08/10/2013 10:37

Op I am sorry but they clearly couldn't be bothered to cater for you, maybe they found your food issues a pia on holidays? Forgetting that it's not your fault? Or maybe they don't really believe you? Either way next time they invite you around take some delicious food for yourself, just one portion. If they comment about it in a negative way just say (with a big smile) that after the last time you didn't fancy a supper/lunch of just vegetables!

Pigsmummy · 08/10/2013 10:41

Sorry just read that you think that can't take your own food due to distance, why not pack a cool bag? Or take food to cook there (rather than reheat), the more hassle it is the more they will realise that they are being rude and mean to you.

sugarman · 08/10/2013 10:43

They don't sound like very nice friends really.

Though tbh if you were my friend I might ask you for a list of preferred foods as I get a bit nervous that I might get it wrong. It's just that thong of not being used to it, not a judgement.

catsmother · 08/10/2013 11:00

I think it's not only unkind (as in making you feel "awkward" and "left out" while you watch everyone else tuck in) but also exceptionally rude. Especially if these are people who know all about your condition and who you see on a regular basis.

I know I'm repeating myself but most normal considerate people want all their guests to enjoy their meal and have a good time. Maybe they do feel a little nervous about inadvertently including something which could have an adverse effect but how long does it take for heaven's sake to do a bit of Googling and come up with all sorts of advice and countless different recipes ? And of course, you'd have no objection were they to run their menu past you first to make sure it's okay.

TBH, it really does smack of "can't be bothered" - and that must hurt. It's so so rude, as are the other examples posted up where even the smallest concessions towards people's genuine dietary requirements appear too much effort for the host to make ..... stuff which is really simple, wouldn't really cause any extra work, and would ensure everyone could share the food properly, e.g. like Twit's example - how hard would it be to serve dressing and croutons on the side FFS ?!

Ilisten2theradio · 08/10/2013 11:03

DSM - you would be fine in my house> DF is coeliac, DS is allergic to eggs nuts fish seafood sesame and chocolate.
We manage to eat fine when we are all together

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2013 11:18

I just think, if you can't be bothered to cater for your guests with thought and consideration, then don't bloody invite them in the first place!

lljkk · 08/10/2013 11:22

I dunno, I am on the fence. But then I like veg+potatoes+salad. And don't much care for most puddings. So wouldn't mind if that was all I got at a meal. You're there for the company not the menu, right?

sashh · 08/10/2013 11:40

Mildred - gluten, celery, shellfish, kiwi fruit, and mustard.

Come to mine, I can manage gluten free, only occasionally use mustard in sauces and hate celery and shellfish.

That is not a difficult list to cater for.

nesticles · 08/10/2013 12:55

I haven't read all the posts. but let me get this right. You travel 100 miles to visit them, you stay in a hotel for said visit, they invite you for dinner and don't cook anything that you can eat knowing your requirements? They sound like awful friends to me. I would gladly cook for you. I am of the mindset that we all eat the same thing or not at all. I'm sorry you had such an awful time but yanbu and you are not that hard to cook for. x

CocktailQueen · 08/10/2013 13:18

I agree that you are not hard to cook for!!!! That's not an extensive list of things you can't eat. They sound rude and not very good friends at all. Don't ask them for Xmas dinner this year!!

lainiekazan · 08/10/2013 13:20

I think you are being unreasonable.

If I tried to do a gluten-free meal for a visitor and then they pulled a cat's bum face because I hadn't realised about the stock cubes I'd be inwardly fuming. I know a lot of vegetarians and can produce quite a few fancy vegetarian meals. But when one person questioned me about whether I had cross-pollinated my utensils... Angry and wanted to examine the jars and bottles I may have used... Angry Angry

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/10/2013 13:44

Yanbu. It would take five mins to email or text you to get a list of ideas if I couldn't find any or give you a heads up on the menu so you could let me know if you liked the sound of it or I'd included something you needed to warn me to look at.

If the other guests didn't like it tough crap. They would have to get over their own misconceptions of food without gluten etc. As much as I feel these things are more about the social side and if the foods not great but effort had been made then ya suck it up, but I'd always do a meal everyone could eat I couldn't have someone sat there with token veg and potato. That's just rude.

youretoastmildred · 08/10/2013 13:45

sorry but it isn't veggie if you stirred it with a meat spoon, and if you think it is, then I am not surprised they wonder whether you used eg pesto (whcih is not veggie, containing parmesan with animal rennet)

Obv the person was unusually upfront in challenging you in this way, but if those are your standards of vegetarian I am not suprised they felt they had to check

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/10/2013 13:48

iain how rude!! It's not hard to keep utensils separate. And as far as allergies go, it's one meal put yourself out just once and try to be a bit understanding. They live with it 24/7 and it's not fun having to check everything and asking people questions. But they have to or they are ill.

If you can't be bothered don't invite them but don't be a cow about it.

lainiekazan · 08/10/2013 13:52

Of course I wouldn't mix my spoons - and anyway, the whole meal was vegetarian.

I just think if you are bothered about spoons to the extent that they might have touched meat at some point in their life, or you feel you have to rifle through someone's storecupboard, then you should say in advance that you have very strict requirements, or stay at home. And in restaurants - do people honestly believe that there are special utensils for the vegetarian food a la a kosher fridge?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/10/2013 14:08

"Mildred - gluten, celery, shellfish, kiwi fruit, and mustard."

Damn - that's my pasta with clams and kiwi fruit in a mustard sauce off the menu then!

unfortunatedischarge · 08/10/2013 14:10

yanbu. No one is required to invite you, it's just polite. and if you dont want to make multiple meals just make one meal everyone can eat

whois · 08/10/2013 15:05

That is not a difficult list to cater for

No, it's not! I thought OP was going to list about 25 common food stuffs, but that is pretty easy to deal with.

OP, the hosts were rude.

Littlestgirlguide · 08/10/2013 15:57

Next weekend I am catering for a group of 14 people all weekend. This is a gathering of friends, not a dinner party - I'm not trying to show off my culinary skills or cook gourmet dinners, just few everyone tasty food and enjoy my weekend away as well without spending the entire weekend in the kitchen.
There is one veggie and a couple of minor allergies. These I have catered for without bother and everyone is happy.
However the last person is following a Paleo diet and also Slimming World, with a huge list of other dislikes (eg. Tomatoes in any form other than purée, meat in any form than mince, peppers, mushrooms, etc etc etc)
I am finding it extremely difficult to find a menu that will cater for her, that is acceptable for everyone else. I mean, what DOES she eat?! I suggested a spaghetti bolognaise As It's easy to make a veggie pan as well as a meaty pan. Everyone is happy except funny-diet girl, who said she couldn't possibly eat that unless I used fat free mince, tomato purée not passata or tinned tomatoes, no peppers or onions, and purée it before serving. Seriously!

So no, OP, YANBU - I would expect your hosts to do their best to cater for you, or at least make a proper meal that you can eat alongside the others.

CrohnicallyLurking · 08/10/2013 16:04

Lainie- 'bothered about spoons'? I do not have celiac, but I do know that for someone that does even the slightest amount of gluten can make them I'll- meaning separate utensils, chopping boards etc for gluten containing foods. It's not just someone being fussy, they could be really ill.

And I think inwardly fuming because someone can't eat something you prepared because you didn't read the label is a bit OTT. Would you really rather they ate it to be polite, knowing the internal damage it can cause?

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