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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

334 replies

fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 10:58

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

OP posts:
Littlegreyauditor · 04/10/2013 11:47

Watch this space, she will use the diabetes to try and regain control.

With dearest grandmother it is her "theoroid" and her "nerves" Hmm

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2013 11:53

You have to miss swimming and you have to let your DH speak to her.
Nothing can exacerbate this situation any more - that behaviour was shocking. She actually let you walk home with the baby in the rain.

She has to see consequences and she has to see that you and DH are a unit.

lagoonhaze · 04/10/2013 11:54

i remember other thread.

Agree no swimming and no prior warning about it either.

HoleyGhost · 04/10/2013 11:55

Her behaviour is so extraordinary that I am wondering about vascular dementia. It could explain her lack of inhibition. Type 2 diabetes is a risk factor.

Whatever the reason, you and dh need to put your own family first.

I would also skip swimming tonight and treat dd instead.

FatPenguin · 04/10/2013 12:01

I remember your previous thread. She sounds unhinged like my MIL I would not allow contact with my baby after the scene in the car park; trying to drive off with your baby and allowing you to walk home with the baby for an hour in the rain??? Hell no!

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 12:02

She has just phoned me asking if I was going to swimming. I said I am going to drop her off and then pick her up.

She told me I have really offended her!! I said that the way she spoke to me was appalling, unacceptable and uncalled for.

She said I speak to her like that all the time! (I don't, but I have been more assertive of late) I said that calling me a rude bitch and a horrible person was unacceptable - she denied all knowledge of calling he it! Says I'm making it up!

I just told her I would not discuss it until she is ready to apologise and hung up.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 12:03

I'm shaking

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 04/10/2013 12:03

I'm going to be a bit harsh now OP,

thanks for the link (I'll have a read in a bit)

I drum into my children, you never get in a vehicle with a drunk, drugged, angry person (anyone not just the driver) because it is incredible dangerous.

Your MiL drove off in a temper with your baby, that means she puts her issues above your children's safety, until she has changed that attitude, which is entirely up to her, Never let any of your children get in a vehicle with her, even if she is not the driver,

You had a lucky escape, you do not want to be the mother of a dead child, it's the hardest job in the world,

It's incredibly sad for all of you, and your husband must be devastated by his parent's behaviour, but you need to withdraw until she access the help that is available to her.

Don't enable her behaviour, withdraw every time she misbehaves, she can control herself, she just has no reason to do so at the moment.

FatPenguin · 04/10/2013 12:03

She needs professional help.

Littlegreyauditor · 04/10/2013 12:06

See I would go swimming for two reasons:

Firstly, your stepdaughter has done nothing wrong, why should she miss her hobby. I may use the opportunity to arrange a refund for MIL on monies already paid, and to change all contact details, responsibilities and payments to my own name. I would make it abundantly clear to the swimming centre that MIL is not to be consulted or deferred to in any way.

Secondly, I would go to face the cow down, and to let her know she was being faced down. I will take all sorts of nonsense from people, up to a point. There is a line you do not cross, and that line would be throwing me out of a car and trying to drive off with my baby. All bets would be off then, in fact she would be lucky to get out of it alive.

She needs put back in her box OP, do it now or spend the next 20 years of your life trying to do it by tiny increments and getting nowhere.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 12:08

I want to phone her and tell her to go back to her GP. She pulled the depression card before and she has genuinely been extremely low lately, on top of this I'm wondering if her sugar levels are crazy and this is a part of it??

I really think she needs professional help!

OP posts:
CoconutRing · 04/10/2013 12:09

MIL rang about the swimming because she wants to take control. The only way she is able to take control is because fairy , you let her. You have played right into her hands. She has upset you and now she knows that you are going to "drop and run" tonight - which is just what she wants - DSD all to herself.

Don't fall for it. Do something else this evening. Stand up to her!

Purplefrogshoe · 04/10/2013 12:09

Omg this woman has serious issues, my DH's aunt is a bit like this, when I first moved in with my DH or DP as he was then she used to let herself in and tidy up do the washing and ironing and all sorts of other stuff which I was very uncomfortable with, then she even started coming and doing these things when I was home, seen her read our mail but I totally lost the plot when I caught her changing our sheets, took the key off her there and then, had to keep her in check a few times since but I think I nipped it in the bud early enough, I would give swimming a miss tonight and stay away from her completely for a while, her behaviour is unacceptable, hugs

HoleyGhost · 04/10/2013 12:09

Have some tea and ignore further calls for now.

I would definitely not drop dsd to swimming. It is not in her interests when there is a good chance of further drama and manipulation.

Coffeenowplease · 04/10/2013 12:10

This wont help but I would have at this point told her to go fuck herself.

Ahem. You seem a nicer person than me so I suggest all contact now goes through your DP/DH.

gamerchick · 04/10/2013 12:11

You go to a sw an hours walk away? They're 10 a penny round here. Is there not one closer to home?

As for the rest I would be telling her to eff off and let my dude deal with contact with kids from now on.

Coffeenowplease · 04/10/2013 12:12

Excellent x posts. Im not the only one.

Littlegreyauditor · 04/10/2013 12:13

You are making excuses for her. Her health is her concern, let her get on with it.

She is a properly, properly unreasonable, spoiled, aggressive bully. From the previous thread and your DH's reactions to her behaviour she has been like this all his life. It is how she gets control.

She may be ill, but that is not the reason for her behaviour, it is the latest reason people have assigned to that behaviour to avoid accepting that she is a bit of a bastard.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 12:13

There are loads here too but it is a particular leader I like and a time that is good for me - it is more like 40 mins but we had driven to sainsburys for something to eat.

OP posts:
MrsZimt · 04/10/2013 12:14

She's gaslighting when she is telling you you are making it up.

You were right to tell her she should apologize. She never will though is my guess.

Well done for being assertive. She probably hates that.

BloodiedWellies · 04/10/2013 12:14

what littlegreyauditor said 100%

EldritchCleavage · 04/10/2013 12:14

Why are you even talking to her?

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 12:16

She phoned house phone - didn't know it was her and wanted to be the bigger person and not hang up on the spot.

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 04/10/2013 12:18

Well she sounds quite unstable and i would cut contact to children too.

Trying to drive off with baby in the back is seriously worrying.

EldritchCleavage · 04/10/2013 12:18

Sorry, I really really don't want to be one of those posters who starts haranguing an OP to do what they want, and my last post did sound like that, so I apologise.

It's just that she sounds unkind, undermining and out of line, and you sound lovely, so I'd hate to think of you being put upon by her.