For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

[angeltattoo]

Caught up.

Get DH to phone her now, give it to her straight.he tells her that she is allowed no contact with DD for the time being - she really thinks she is number one mum to her, doesn't she? she really thinks she gets to call the shots.

Am fuming for you fairy.

Where do you live? How many MNers can we fit into one leisure centre? ;-)

[BettyBotter]

I remember your previous thread. Your MIL is a whole lot more crazy than comes through in just this incident.

I think not for her, not for you, but for DSD you must reduce her controlloing role in all your lives. Your dsd may love her very much but she is not benefiting from being a rope in a tug of war over control of her.

You may benefit from the time and money MIL offersvia the swimming lessons but frankly they are clearly not suitable at the moment for any of you.

Don't cut contact with MIL but treat her like a toddler and give her a time out. Then re-introduce very slow careful meetings with very very clear, spelled out boundaries.
For dsd's benefit

1. If she speaks disresepctfully or inappropriately to you - contact will be ended.
2. If she tries to replace you in the mothering role - contact will be ended.
3. If she behaves in an upsetting, over-reacting or otherwise unbalanced way around dsd contact will be ended.

It is never beneficial to a child to be around anger, hysteria or emotional manipulation however much it suits you to have a free half hour while they're at swimming.

Good luck. Sounds like you've got your head screwed on so far.

[MrsZimt]

Don't get down to her level.

[piratecat]

MrsZimpt, i agree.

OP tell dsd it's pizza for tea. Don't put dsd through a possible verbal attack at the pool. Just once will not harm.

[YellowDinosaur]

I think she'll turn up anyway. It wouldn't be that easy. Loving your passive aggressive smiley though!

One direction film at the cinema followed by pizza. Or whatever she'd think was a treat.

[BettyBotter]

Agree with the others. Cancel the swimming fgs.
It's become a whole lot more than a swimming lesson and you need to draw a great big line here.

Swimming today is NOT IMPORTANT.

[HerrenaHarridan]

She tried to abduct your baby!

Fuck in the circumstances any things short of ABH and your doing fine

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

She really is a bitch! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, OP. Have read the previous thread and see that you have been diagnosed with PND - you really don't need this. I think you need to cut all contact. Block her number, if she phones the house phone, hang up immediately. Who cares what she tells other people? Honestly, change the locks. You'll never be able to relax if you know she still has a key. If she doesn't try to use it uninvited, she'll never know that you did, so how could it be inflammatory? Most importantly, your DH has to do all the contact. If your DSD wants to see her grandma, that's fine, but your DH arranges it and goes with her.

[FishfingersAreOK]

Do not go swimming. Take DSD somewhere else for another treat. Yes she shouldn't have to miss out if she has not done anything wrong - BUT - the consequences of your MIL current state of mind are too erratic to risk it.

FWIW going forward I think you need to have a gentle chat with your SDS about your MIL in case MIL is making negative comments about you behind your back. You do not have to go into full detail at all, just that "Grandma and Fairy sometimes do not agree about things. That happens in life. We still love Grandma and want to see her/spend time with her. If grandma comments on Fairy or says something you are not sure about then please talk to us about it.".

Some people think that DCs should be shielded from all this stuff - and whilst the detail and involvement I agree should be kept away - but DCs are astute and will pick things up. A gentle, one off, non-accusatory chat will "explain" it to DSD without making it a big deal or putting her in a position where she feels she has to take sides.

On another (or the same if appropriate) conversation I would also provide DSD with a few stock phrases for her to use if MIL every does start bitching "Grandma, everyone has different opinions but I do not want to discuss Fairy like that".... the DSD version of did you mean to be rude.

And I agree, now is the time for DH to phone MIL

[Purplefrogshoe]

Omg I would treat DSD to something else and stay away from swimming today as she seems intend on confrontation, maybe pick DSD up from school early to avoid her

[Littlegreyauditor]

She tried to abduct your baby!

Fuck in the circumstances any things short of ABH and your doing fine

Exactly. All bets are off

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

fairy is that swimming pool the only one close to you? Could you go to another leisure centre to get swimming lessons (at a time convenient to you and the rest of your family) for DSD?

Otherwise, what I would do is take DSD out of the swimming lessons for the time being and get her involved in gymnastics/dancing/drama/any thing else so that MIL can't stick her oar in and 'think' she has a say in what DSD gets up to.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Think risk of her appearing at pool steaming angry is too high even though she said she wouldn't: v upsetting for DSD so agree dh call and stay away, have treat.

[timidviper]

I agree with others here. Ask DH to ring her now and tell her behaviour unacceptable, you are all concerned for her health but cannot put your family at risk, etc and I wonder if it would be good to take DSD out somewhere else for a treat this week just in case she decides to try another manipulation

[WildThongsHeartString]

You really need to ask? I wouldnt hesitate to cut her out of my and my children's life. In fact I have walked that talk and dont regret anything. Old saying 'make a fool of me once, shame on you - make a fool of me twice, shame on me' (paraphrased) Your life, your decision.

[yoshipoppet]

I don't think you would be unreasonable to cut all contact tbh.
Do you really want your DSD exposed to MIL's toxicity? What if DSD disagrees with Grandma? Will Grandma turn on her too?
However, it does also sound to me as if MIL is indeed ill. The driving off with your baby is the clincher for me. She is not safe for your children to be around, until she gets some professional help for her illness (whatever that may be).

[Thumbwitch]

Good crikey, I have just read both these threads and am concerned that your MIL is completely unhinged!

But as she has diabetes, it could be laid at the door of uncontrolled blood sugar levels. However, it seems that she has been consistently as mad as a box of frogs difficult since you've been around, so it's hard to believe that it's just the blood sugar, far more likely that blood sugar levels have exacerbated her normal personality.

I think you have a useful handle there though - you can point out that if her temper tantrums are due to poorly controlled blood sugar levels, then you cannot allow DSD or DS to be in the car with her, as there is no telling what might happen. Nor is she able or allowed to look after DSD or DS on her own for the same reason.

Your DH needs to step in and talk to her - but I think you'll be waiting until hell freezes over a very long time before you get an apology out of her, she's already re-written history!

Avoid as much as possible. And this time, if you haven't already, get the key back off her. Expect reprisals - so spike her guns by removing her ability to get back into your house.

[3rdnparty]

Even though she says she wont be at swimming she still might turn up- think I would miss it just in case, and have a think about just cancelling it in the future as it's just a lever to control with for her...

definitely don't engage - think better not to respond to her texts at all, if she phones landline -just say will get dh to phone her when he can or pass over to her...it was hard at first when i did with mil but it removed a lot of heat as she couldn't twist/not remember what I said.....

[Loa]

Let your DH ring her - as reading other thread him stepping in stopped things that time.

You want to avoid letting her give gifts such as paying for swimming that allow her to have control - try and find another activity your DC might enjoy for a bit of a change and resist attempts for gp to pay.

You want to reduce the number of visits gradually over time- no dramatic cutting off or anything just being busy - drag time between them out and ignore any complaining.

I wouldn't just send your DH and DC as it gives her the opportunity to bad mouth and undermine you - I go and pull her up every single time she does say something and ignore any upset or dramatics by leaving or not engaging.

Get caller ID and use it.

If she has a key to your house - get it back or change locks. Seriously not having access when she wants is a major boundary. Don't let her wonder round when she is in your house - follow and monitor and make plain where she can and can't go.

As for swimming tonight - either pick something else like cinema treat or go with your DH there as well. Otherwise I expect she'll make a scene.

I'm not so sure it is a good relationship for your DSD to have - not a good model and what if DSD starts behaving in way MIL suddenly doesn't approve of.

It sounds like she enjoys drama - more distance from her especially when she isn't behaving would be good for all of you. Ignore her texts - so avoid feeding the drama - think do not engage and stop trying to help her out or understand her or minimize her bad behavior. You'll probably get more respect from her that way.

[GobTheGoblin]

Crikey, she does sound unstable at the moment.

Just as an aside when my DH was diagnosed with diabetes, he wasn't allowed to drive until the Dr was satisfied his blood sugar levels were down and stable. So for that reason alone I wouldn't like my kids in the car with her.

What did the school say when you rang them, can you pick dsd up early?

[WiddleAndPuke]

I think she'll turn up later.

She just told you she wouldn't so that you'd think it was "safe" to go.

She'll turn up and give it loads of teary "I know you didn't want me here but I can't bear not to see DSD swimming" - all for DSDs benefit so you look like the bad guy.

She might be nuts but she's not stupid.

[YouTheCat]

I'd say call school and arrange to pick your dsd up early. Don't go to swimming.

Your dh needs to lay down the law as it's clear this sad woman is not going to listen to you.

[fairy1303]

I have phoned school - MIL is not allowed to pick up unless DH says otherwise (joy of step parenting!)

DH does not want DSD to miss swimming - he is leaving work early to take her himself and has spoken to FIL (MIL gone out as too upset to be at home) and said any smiley words at all and she will have to leave.

[Loa]

Just as an aside when my DH was diagnosed with diabetes, he wasn't allowed to drive until the Dr was satisfied his blood sugar levels were down and stable. So for that reason alone I wouldn't like my kids in the car with her.

That was true of my diabetic relations as well - I think the DVLA has to be informed as well mainly as you are no longer allowed to drive huge trucks/lorries anymore I believe.

[fairy1303]

She's not been told she is diabetic - just that if sh doesn't dramatically change diet she will be. Would this still count?