For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

[poppingin1]

And my DM has the exact same health problem, it doesn't contribute to her acting like an unreasonable lunatic.

It affects the body, not the mind.

[timidviper]

She is a real loose cannon isn't she? I think I would be tempted to, with your DH, sit DSD down and explain that there are acceptable ways to behave and speak to people whether you like them or not and MIL does not seem able to respect those boundaries with you. As she almost drove off in a temper with your baby, this behaviour could be risky so you both feel it better to not have close contact where this could happen again.

I would be tempted to distance her totally and get DP to tell her that you are now his family and she has to earn the right to be involved, you will allow her in as long as she behaves but one rude word to you and she is out. If DSD really wants to maintain her relationship as is then continue to drop her off for swimming but explain you will pick her up, she does not allow MIL to take her off anywhere afterwards, etc

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I remember the other thread and following this update I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

She has behaved like a petulant child and to say that she doesn't remember saying the things she does to you - that's called selective amnesia I'd imagine. I would let your DH phone her back and tell her to leave you alone, to stop swearing at you and to behave like a grown adult.

Perhaps you should have a go at having some selective amnesia where she is concerned? Call her all the names you like to her face and then if she goes to your DH, say "I never said any of that to you. You're lying" and see how it floats her boat!

I'd be in two minds as to whether you should go to the swimming tonight or not and the reasons would be why should your SD be restricted in her activites just because this woman is loop-the-loop out of her mind. The other reason would be that if you do go, you can speak directly with the management and tell them that you are no longer doing the classes at that time (perhaps arrange a different time for lessons while you're there) and inform them that any and all communication around your SD swimming is to be directed to you and no communication is to go to your MIL under any circumstances.

It would be really good if she could be restricted from the building at the time (but that isn't likely to happen unless she throws an almighty strop while she is there and the management evict her) here's wishing

If she phones you again asking what your plans are for anything, just ignore her. Tell her nothing. She can do nothing about it if you don't tell her what you're up to. Offer her no information other than the weather! Based on this latest incident, she has given up any right to know what you're up to.
Stick to stock phrases like:
"It's none of your business"
"We haven't decided"
"We'll let you know if and when we feel you should know"
"That's not your concern any more"


Best of luck to you fairy

[fairy1303]

Just relieved a text - I will copy it here

I'll collect DSD from school and take her swimming. You clearly take no responsibility 4 your part this morning. You were most unsympathetic and were anxious not to be seen in a bad light by your slimming woman. It is clear that we will not be able to move on from this and I will not be compromised. This is the first time I have reacted to u.'

My reply : how dare you. I was trying hard to calm you down - you were irrationally angry - I had to speak to her about something else. I have been nothing but supportive to you with this. The way you spoke to me was unacceptable, disgusting and completely unjustified. I am genuinely concerned for you - your depression is very bad and I think you need to go back to your GP. It is also a possibility that your sugar levels are upset as your behaviour this morning was erratic and out of nowhere. You don't get to dictate what happens, I will bring DSD to swimming, I do not want you picking her up.i am extremely hurt. I do not want to hear from you until you have decided to apologise.'

Too much?

[ChocolateZombieSlayer]

Just caught up, but i remember your previous thread.

definitly not too much you have voiced your concerns for her whilst remaining firm as to what you want. Well done Fairy

[EldritchCleavage]

No, bang on.

[FatPenguin]

Good response, you are taking control refusing to let her pick DSD up.

[Flatiron]

Do you need to phone the school to say that on no account is mil to be allowed to pick up your child? What an awful situation this woman is putting you in.

[Purplefrogshoe]

Well done fairy, defo not too much

[friday16]

It won't hurt your step-daughter to miss swimming one week. Find an excuse and go and have a coffee somewhere with her or something. Otherwise you risk a confrontation with your mother-in-law either at the school or at the swimming pool. That could be extremely difficult, and would happen in front of your step-daughter, too. There's too much heat in the situation, and the key player, your husband, hasn't really had an opportunity to do anything. Make an excuse, go and buy your step-daughter a latte and a cake (or whatever constitutes a treat), let your husband talk to his mother, and take it from there.

[YellowDinosaur]

Your text is bang on but playing into her hands too much. You are right to think it but I think a better response would be a simple:

You don't get to dictate what happens. I do not want to hear from you until you have decided to apologise.

And let your dh call her to say the rest

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Perfect: concerns for her welfare, sets the boundary and asks for an apology (not that you should have to ask...). And make sure you are there on time for school picking-up (maybe early) in case she ignores your wishes.

[YellowDinosaur]

And do something other than swimming today. There must be something that dsd will see as a treat. Do that instead.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I wouldn't reply to her. I'd forward the text to DH and get him to reply saying that the transporting of DSD is not her concern and to leave you alone. Any further contact will be done FIRST by you or your DH and NOT under any circumstances by her.

If you do want to send the text, I'd take out the bit about your concern for her that you have in your text message. Remove that line entirely from your text. Also remove the bit about her blood sugar levels and GP. It's not your business any more to be wasting your head space on her health issues.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

As flatiron has suggested, I'd be contacting the school and removing her from the list of adults allowed to collect the child(ren).

[magentastardust]

I agree that you need to make sure you to pick up your child and make it clear no one else is to do so-I have a feeling she will arrive early to pick up DSD before you get there.

You are DSD's guardian she can't tell you what she plans to do with dsd it is the other way round.

Have you forwarded the text on to your husband?

I wouldn't want you dsd to miss her swimming however I would be worried that there will be a scene tonight which is more unfair on her -I agree maybe best to give it a miss this week.

[EldritchCleavage]

Actually, I think YellowDinosaur is right.

And I honestly would miss swimming just this once..

[Littlegreyauditor]

And so the power play continues...

It's like chess OP. Honestly try to detach yourself and see the game she is playing. You wouldn't let her drive off with the baby, so she is cutting you out of the loop with your step daughter.

Th word "compromised" is interesting, don't you think? She feels you are compromising her position.

I would use the illness as an advantage. She cannot possibly be on her own with your children, nor can she drive them anywhere as she is depressed, clearly forgetful and has uncontrolled diabetes. It's just not safe and it's for the best she is supervised from now on. For her own good.

Two can play the game.

[WiddleAndPuke]

Not too much as such - just too many words.

I'd have gone with "I worry for your mental health but until you get some help - and apologise unreservedly for your behaviour - I want nothing to do with you."

[Arion]

Not too much in my opinion. I would also be contacting the school to withdraw her right to collect DSD. You don't have to go into details, but just ensure that NOONE other than you or DH collect DSD.

[fairy1303]

She has just text me again telling me that she will be picking up DSD as it is not fair to subject her to an atmosphere. My behaviour is often inexcusable but she makes allowances. She thinks it is time they backed off

I have replied 'no, you will not be picking her up. I agree it is time for you to back off. If you cannot be adult enough to not cause a scene at swimming then I suggest you do not go'. I'm phoning school as we speak!

[YellowDinosaur]

Excellent text.

Now, however hard it will be, don't respond to anything else. I would call your dh though and tell him what's been going on. Good luck with the school

[Wishfulmakeupping]

OP I'm so shocked- she's an utter nightmare sorry you are having to deal with her issues.
Your response was perfect I do agree with other re: skipping the swimming for today and making sure that school groups/ clubs are clear only you and your dh can pick Dc no one else.
I had a physical reaction reading about her driving off with the baby :( it must have been terrifying. I hope you feel calmer soon

[YellowDinosaur]

And I'd really not go Swimming because I wouldn't put it past her to cause a scene which will be very upsetting for dsd

[BloodiedWellies]

Lord fairy my blood pressure is going through the roof with fury on yourbehalf. Good for you. Stand strong.

I like the idea of using her illness as an excuse 'yes... [fake sympathy] of course she is very unstable and erratic right now...' that would drive her WILD!