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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

334 replies

fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 10:58

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

OP posts:
ScarerAndFuck · 04/10/2013 11:20

Has this just happened today OP? I hope you are alright.

Let your DH speak to her if he wants to, especially if it's to tell her that she cannot treat you like that ever again.

Why will she be there at the swimming lessons? She has no need to go and if seating area is small then she shouldn't be taking up the space in it. Most ask for one spectator per swimming child to solve this sort of problem.

SarahBumBarer · 04/10/2013 11:21

Total aside here but why was the baby in the car - can you take the baby into SW? (That would be useful)

Sounds like she has been bottling things up since swimsuitgate and lost the plot a bit. Your DH is goingto have to speak to her though but your main issue about how she behaves in your house is hopefully now solved - no way she'd be coming in my home again however vital she was previously.

fluffyraggies · 04/10/2013 11:21

I meant if your DH wants her to see DD let it be with him not you.

So cross i cant type! Wink

theboutiquemummy · 04/10/2013 11:22

Are you ok ? She's sounds like an attention seeking narc to me

Your DH needs to lay the law down with her this cant possibly be ignored

Cut contact protect yourself and your children "she drove off with the baby" would be a deal breaker for me

Well done for trying with her but I'd say you've done your bit

YourHandInMyHand · 04/10/2013 11:23

Let him phone her up and tell her. Present a united front. She's going to be cross and moody anyway but at least this way she will know HE is not happy either. Let him do it now rather than when time has passed.

Can you skip the swimming lesson this week and not tell her. My DS will miss maybe one lesson per term if we have something else on/he is tiredd/ we fancy a treat eg go out for tea. It's no big deal to skip one and will mean you don't have to face her today.

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/10/2013 11:24

Previous thread here

Faux · 04/10/2013 11:24

Poor you!

DameFanny · 04/10/2013 11:24

I think trying to drive off with someone else's baby in the car is neglectful of safety to such a degree that unsupervised contact should not be allowed.

And given her lack of respect for you, it must not be your responsibility to arrange or monitor any contact.

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/10/2013 11:25

Sorry, didn't realised Monster had already done it...

I've posted on that thread with a link to this one for you as well.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 11:26

sarahbum yeah! Leader lets me take him in but just have to put outside if he starts crying.

She goes to swimming lessons as it is their 'thing' - they gave been taking her since she was 3 and pay for it -(we have asked to pay ourselves but MIL wouldn't hear of it and now we are breadline because of massive mortgage and MAT leave) MIL is obsessive about it and has been known to come back from holidays early so she doesn't miss swimming!

OP posts:
Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 11:27

*have to go outside! not put him outside obviously.

OP posts:
Coffeenowplease · 04/10/2013 11:29

I would be tempted to ask the police to have a word about driving off with your baby tbh.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 11:33

*coffenow - in fairness to her, I don't think she was planning to take him, I think she just wanted me out of my car and was so angry she didn't think about the fact that he was in the car.

When I ran after her she told me she would take him back to my house but that I had to walk.

There was no way I was letting her drive with him in the car in that state!

OP posts:
ConfusedandDazed24 · 04/10/2013 11:33

That's it OP, no more contact! This woman has serious issues. I think you have gone above and beyond in trying to form a relationship, she is clearly not willing to reciprocate. Hope you're ok x

fluffyraggies · 04/10/2013 11:33

Oh Christ alive! (about the swimming).

It's all on her terms isn't it?

fairy - i am the least assertive person in the world but if my MIL called me a bitch i wouldn't care if she'd given her left leg to pay for bloody swimming lessons i wouldn't be taking DD to anymore of them if she was going to be there. I wouldn't be letting her take DD either. She needs ot know this was the last straw and she has burned bridges.

I'd be asking my DH to tell her your cancelling the swimming lessons, and organising your own.

CoconutRing · 04/10/2013 11:33

I remember your previous thread fairy, stealing washing and tidying the bedroom.

I would be suspicious of "the doctor saying she was diabetic". I assume she knows that you are a member of SW? Could she be trying to upset another part of your life as she has lost control of your home?

As for driving off with your baby Shock - I would seriously consider cutting off all contact with her. DSD may wish to see her with DH at a neutral place. MIL has lost the plot - you have no idea what she might do next. She sounds dangerous to me.

Don't take DSD swimming tonight. MIL will be there spoiling for a fight. Go out as a family instead.

Coffeenowplease · 04/10/2013 11:35

I see. Still. She is unhinged. Honestly dont see her again. Ever.

fluffyraggies · 04/10/2013 11:35

Please please don't take DD swimming tonight. You have so so much right to be very angry :(

Flatiron · 04/10/2013 11:36

Not meant facetiously at all, but do you think mil may have genuine mh issues? She sounds unbalanced to me, at the very least. You must have the patience of a saint, to have dealt with it all so far.

EldritchCleavage · 04/10/2013 11:36

but I don't want to exacerbate the situation

She threw you out of the car after swearing and ranting and tried to drive off with your baby!

Exacerbate away. Honestly, let DH ring her and tell her how out of line she was, RIGHT NOW.

Miss swimming tonight unless MIL agrees not to go. It's time for some real consequences.

I'm not saying this because I am a member of the 'cut out MIL' faction, but actually because I'm not. You'll only salvage the relationship longer term if you really really sort it out now. Don't lose your momentum or shy away from the (necessary) show down.

And yes, avoiding her and letting your DH take the children over might be a solution, provided she apologies and accepts she was out of line.

CoconutRing · 04/10/2013 11:38

Just read the bit where MIL would take the baby back but you had to walk!!!!

myroomisatip · 04/10/2013 11:38

I agree. I am fuming for you. Don't take DSD swimming tonight! Go out for a nice meal or cinema instead.

What a horrible woman.

Littlegreyauditor · 04/10/2013 11:42

I would treat her like a tantruming child. All calm, all zen, watch her rant and rave like a loon, do not engage.

It is the reaction she wants, so don't let her have it. She wants you scared of her making a big messy scene and on eggshells trying to avoid it.

Easier said than done I know, particularly when you are emotionally involved but you need to view her analytically and dispassionately. Not "oh my god she is screaming again and everyone is looking at me" but "look at this fucking space cadet, pitching a fit in Sainsbury's car park like a 3 year old".

Personally (because I've played this game before, and cos I can be a total bitch) I would ramp up the passive aggressive concern "look at the state you have got yourself in, aren't you embarrassed?" If you can manage a raised eyebrow and a slightly concerned smirk, all the better.

Do not let her chase you away from your childrens activities. It is your right to be there, not hers. As I said in your previous thread this is a pissing contest and she is trying to intimidate you with noise and fuss. She wants to be Alpha female in your family's life. Your message to her, in your tone, your demeanour and your refusal to be cowed needs to be "you don't scare me (bitch)"

pootlebug · 04/10/2013 11:44

I agree with the others that I'd miss swimming tonight. She needs to realise that talking to you that way / driving off with your baby will have consequences in terms of seeing her grandchild - you can't be expected to just brush that kind of thing under the carpet.

In the spirit of helpfulness (because you sound like a saint, OP, given how much you have continued to try in the face of utterly unreasonable behaviour from her), if she is concerned about her potential Type 2 Diabetes, the www.diabetes.co.uk website is very useful. There are some forums with a lot of people who are used to living with and managing type 2 diabetes....she would probably get more useful advice & help there than from a diet person who doesn't specialise in diabetes like at Slimming World.

hermioneweasley · 04/10/2013 11:47

I woukdn't let someone who thought that of me be around my child, supervised or not. It's not about punishing anyone, but how can't be good for your DD to have a relationship with someone who treats their mother like that.

Another vote for not going swimming unless MIL is not there.

She is unhinged.

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