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AIBU?

For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

334 replies

fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 10:58

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

OP posts:

Report

WiddleAndPuke · 08/10/2013 14:12

I'd text "thank you for the flowers, they're lovely" and carry on with your plans. She hasn't apologised has she?

Thumbwitch · 08/10/2013 14:51

Yes, what widdle said.

They're not an apology, are they. If they were, they'd come with the words "I apologise" or "I'm sorry". She's not your DH (and tbh I wouldn't accept flowers in lieu of an apology from him either!) and she's not going to be able to gloss over this whole situation with one measly bunch of flowers.

You MUST continue as though nothing had changed, or she will just carry on with her awful manipulative behaviour. Let her see that you can't be won over by material gifts, that the only thing that is acceptable to you is a change in behaviour and attitude.

WiddleAndPuke · 08/10/2013 14:56

I think it's quite a clever and manipulative non-apology actually.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/10/2013 15:05

If you want to speak to her or text her, just say thanks for the flowers, they are lovely. Don't extend that into the area of "apology accepted" or anything else to do with an apology (unless the card had "I'm sorry" on it too). She hasn't apologised. She has sent her DIL a bunch of flowers. That's all.

It's nice to get flowers, it's nice to be thanked for sending flowers and that is what I'd do.

Keep going - you're doing brilliantly!!!

Hissy · 08/10/2013 15:10

But they aren't an apology!

So don't allow her to think they are and that everything is now OK cos she turned to interflora.

Don't react at all. Leave her to ask if you actually received the flowers and then just say, 'yes, and thankyou'

If anything is said after that you state, I hope you don't think £20 is going to make what you have done, and continue to do, any less unacceptable?

Then end the call.

Hissy · 08/10/2013 15:21

If you show any form of falling for this now, she'll do this again and worse.

Stay offended, and keep your distance.

Her exclusion of your son is reason enough!

eatriskier · 08/10/2013 15:25

Or you could just text her "dear mil, love fairy"

Loa · 08/10/2013 15:50

Get your DH to text - thank you for the flowers from both of us?

Or just text got flowers :) if you have icons - then she can read what she wants into that.

Anything so you keep your distance but still say you got the flowers - so don't look like you are in the wrong.

fluffyraggies · 08/10/2013 16:13

''Flowers have arrived, they're lovely, thank you''

... is all i'd advise putting too.

Don't thank her for an apology she hasn't had the spine to give! And certainly don't say it's accepted either fairy. To accept a gracious apology, in my book, is to say 'right - it's all bygones -it's all forgotten' ... in return for that gracious apology. That is something she has not earned by posting a bunch of flowers.

I was going to say that a perfect tit-for-tat here would to be to post her something back. Something nice, but without words - as she has done to you. But i can't think of anything!

eatriskier · 08/10/2013 16:43

fluffy one of DSD's swimsuits? Don't do that though - I'm just feeling a bit naughty at the moment.

Hissy · 08/10/2013 18:52

I still say wait till she brings it up. The suspense is going to kill her! She wants to pull you back in, being grateful to her.

If it's not all that she does for your DSD, it's now needing your gratitude for thé flowers.

She's demanding Thanks for things you didn't want her to do in the first place. Why is she doing them? So that she can be praised for it.

She's not doing any of these things for her son, for dsd, or for you. It's all about HER.

Stay away and hold firm. Expect loopy, but ride over it. The madder she gets, the closer you are to 'victory'

Hissy · 08/10/2013 18:52

I still say wait till she brings it up. The suspense is going to kill her! She wants to pull you back in, being grateful to her.

If it's not all that she does for your DSD, it's now needing your gratitude for thé flowers.

She's demanding Thanks for things you didn't want her to do in the first place. Why is she doing them? So that she can be praised for it.

She's not doing any of these things for her son, for dsd, or for you. It's all about HER.

Stay away and hold firm. Expect loopy, but ride over it. The madder she gets, the closer you are to 'victory'

Katisha · 08/10/2013 19:59

Don't engage. The flowers are about making her look like the nice person, not an apology. Narcissists often give grand gesture presents. It's about them, not the recipient.

Retroformica · 08/10/2013 20:16

Everyone should have a break from her. If you see her weekly, leave it a month

Kundry · 08/10/2013 20:17

Hissy has it spot on, I think.

You don't want flowers from her, you want an apology and for to behave like a normal grandmother.

This is a clever way for her to look like a nice person without being nice. If you accept an apology she hasn't made, she has carte blanche to carry on as before.

Either ignore or say 'thank-you for the flowers' and nothing else.

fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 20:38

She didn't give me the chance - she turned up at my door!

I thanked her for the flowers (also said - but you didn't have to - you could have just called and apologised!)

She said she didn't want to get into 'tit for tat' and thought she would 'say it with flowers' instead!

I have said that I appreciate them, don't want to war with her, but her behaviour was completely and utterly unacceptable and if it happens again that will be it.

I have asked her to back off - she gave me the perfect opportunity when she said - 'Oh, is that the flowers? Shall I cut the ends off for you? it will only take me a minute'... (they were already done, in a vase!)

I also delivered the killer blow and told her I was moving swimming to our local pool - previously it was somewhere pretty far away.
MIL seems to think this is her idea.

OP posts:

fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 20:40

Oh - and DH is going to have the conversation about how DS and DSD are equal and I need to be treated with more respect.

OP posts:

HoleyGhost · 08/10/2013 20:46

result!

Peace has been restored and she has learned that she can only push you so far

SauvignonBlanche · 08/10/2013 20:49

Well done OP.

Hissy · 08/10/2013 20:57

You rock! Bloody well done!

fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 20:57

OP posts:

eatriskier · 08/10/2013 20:59

Very nicely done. Now the hard part of sticking to your guns.

I was going to give you but not sure how appropriate that is given today

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KillerKoalaFace · 08/10/2013 21:06

Well done Fairy! Handled beautifully.

clam · 08/10/2013 21:08

Yes, I think you can chalk this one up as a victory on your part.

However, not sure where she was headed with "didn't want to get into a tit-for-tat," as that sounds like you're both agreeing to differ, which you're not! (Does that make sense?)

Also, be careful she doesn't take it upon herself to organise the transition of swimming, so it continues to be "her" thing. To be honest, I can't see her giving that one up easily.

iloveny001 · 08/10/2013 21:11

Been following, wanted to say : well done!

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