For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

Coconut - I know! She also said yesterday (when she told me she WOULD be picking up DSD from school as it wasn't fair to subject her to an atmosphere - and I told her that she in fact WOULDNT be picking her up, and if she couldn't be a grown up, not to go, that I was 'banning her from swimming and stopping her from seeing DSD' it is such a headfuck

I think you can safely tell your DH (on behalf of Mumsnet) that you have been the biggest of all the bigger people and will not be the bigger person again!

Erm. Did point out to DH that you're already the bigger person because you've never used the children to play games, and that humouring her isn't in her own best interest as she'll just get worse?

And so you should - bigger person, my arse. All that means is she gets away with her bloody awful behaviour yet again because no one stands up to her. If only someone had stood up to her before now, she probably wouldn't still be like this - it's because everyone just goes "oh you know what she's like, don't take offence, she doesn't really mean it" that she carries on.

Fuck that!

She text DH this morning to tell him that she is 'rushing' up to stay with his 90 year old Granny for a few days.

DH asked is Granny was ok and got no response - I text her to say that I hoped her mum was ok as DH had had no response - she didn't reply and then hours later text DH to say that Granny has twisted her ankle.

I hope to god that she hasn't run out if mystery illnesses so has has to start munchausening Granny!

*He does however way that 'deep down she hates falling out and just lashes out but then feels really upset after, she's not well fairy and she does say things that are completely out of order I agree, but if you just were the bigger person and approached her I'm sure this whole thing would be forgotten'

I'm afraid I told him to fuck off *.

Well done. Don't sweep it under the carpet.

But as he said earlier He has said to me that this is pretty much was his entire childhood was like. Yes because thats how she controls everyone around her. So that they are so afraid to upset her they do whatever no matter how insane it seems just not to upset her.

He is going to have to learn a new way of behaving around her and what is acceptable to your family and him.

He does however way that 'deep down she hates falling out and just lashes out but then feels really upset after, she's not well fairy and she does say things that are completely out of order I agree, but if you just were the bigger person and approached her I'm sure this whole thing would be forgotten'

He can see the problem, but not the solution, so he is getting you to change your position to appease her. Just like everyone has done all her life probably! He actually sounds worn out by it, and so is trying to opt for the quiet life. I don't know what the solution is, except to keep resisting her will, I understand that is upsetting for all of you though. Keep strong!

So your DH has now said she's been like this all his life. He is trained to try and please her at all times and feel guilty if he does not. I'm sure he thinks she doesn't like people falling out and finds it upsetting - but for her it's only upsetting as it relates to her, not because she genuinely cares about others.

Your DH is suffering from FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. He isn't always going to see straight (well done for telling him to fuck off with his bigger person crap! - your MIL doesn't give shit about who is the bigger person, just getting her own way) on this as he is clouded by the FOG and thinks she reacts in the same way as a normal person.

The relationships board is full of people dealing with narcs in their lives and there is a lot of wise support on there. 'Toxic Inlaws' by Susan Forward is fantastically helpful as well.

I think Kundry's post is fantastic.

I was with your husband and thinking what a great guy with his comments about his childhood and how she flips things but disagree totally about 'being the bigger person'. No, because she isn't reasonable and you will just end up with her footprints all over you.

I know your immediate concern is the relationship with DSD but think about how this will impact your DS and DSD's relationship going forward if her favouritism is allowed to continue.

I'm so sorry that this is something else on your plate when you have enough to think about already. Focus on yourself and your immediate family. I hate bad language (love pearls though) but I cannot express myself in any other way on this, your MIL can just go fuck herself for now, you and your DH have enough to deal with.

Fairy I posted on your other threads to say my MIL is exactly the same.

And I can only reiterate my advice not to send long written replies by text (or any other way) or get into complicated verbal arguments with her.

Because these people are masters at manipulating everything to make you look like the bad guy. Your DH has admitted as much about your MIL and my DH said the same thing to me about mine. My DH also thinks I should be the bigger person so our issues with MIL could be forgotten. It's easier, but it's not what's going to happen.

If you have to engage with her, short, repetitive and to the point is more effective than any long winded justification or argument.

"We both know that's not what happened MIL, you were very rude to me."

"I am not prepared to argue with you, I have made myself very clear several times now."

And your own very good reply from earlier "You do not get to dictate what happens and I am not going to argue with you any more. We have made a decision and you must respect it."

Nothing more than that, nothing longer than that, and don't try to justify yourself.

If she accuses you of never liking her or trying to stop her from seeing the children then don't argue that either. Saying something like "We both know that's not true but I don't think we should discuss anything further until you have calmed down and stopped making untrue accusations" is better, and then just keep repeating "now is not the time to discuss it, you need to calm down" over and over.

Sticking to short, reasonable sentences rather than getting into discussions about "But you said this and then that happened and then I did this and you did that and you called me something else, yes you did, yes you did, yes you did" only confuses things and it gives her what she's looking for.

You can't convince her she's wrong, but you can refuse to play her mind games and short repetition is the best way to fight her.

Good grief! Imagine what life must be like for your FIL!

Hi fairy. I was on your last thread and was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how things were going when I spotted this thread.

Absolutely barking! I think you've done so well to try to manage her in the way you have. But as I keep hearing on here, you can't reason with unreasonable people, so you have to keep on treading the path you're treading and tune out to her rages as much as possible.

I suspected she might turn up to swimming after all. Lucky your dh went instead of you. I wonder what will happen when she twigs that she's not allowed to pick up dsd from school!

Clam - I told her! She text me a second time yesterday saying that it wasn't my decision and she would be picking her up whether I liked it or not so I told her that it was my decision, and I have contacted the school so please do not attempt to!

P.s - FIL has got through life by 'walking the dog' whenever she has been in a rate - it's one of her biggest bugbears - she blames him for the fact that 'all her children hate her'

• in a rage

She is a narcissist- agree with Kundry there. And the problem in dealing with narcissists is that they believe their own version of events so you can't actually reason with them. She inhabits a different reality from everyone else so and FIL and dh have had to develop coping strategies, ie let her get on with it and lie low.

Ultimately I'm afraid no contact is the only answer , if you are not prepared to carry on indulging her fantasies at your own expense and that of the dc. These people cannot change.

Toxic parents

The toxic IL book mentioned earlier

games people play

The games people play is an older one - but useful to helping see patterns of behavior.

FIL walking the dog is his way of not getting sucked into the drama - it's not confronting the issue but it's an avoidance technique.

ScarerAndFuck suggestions are good - you really have to avoid the whole justifying thing as it immediately puts you on the back foot.

Clearly less information = less ammunition so if she hadn't known about SW couldn't have invited herself along.

Honestly half the battle usually is getting the partner to recognize that their relative behavior is off you don't seem to have that huge issue plus he has/is telling her her behavior is wrong but I agree trying to get you to go along with her world view later wasn't helpful - but well done you for clearly telling him that.

You now have to find a way of managing her drama/behavior so it has minimal impact on you - easier said than done obviously.

What a fruit-loop!
I was on your previous thread, she really is unbelievable.

It will all be forgotten, my arse. It will be remembered as the way to muzzle you.

Oh fairy - poor you for having to put up with this nutter. As much as you hate confrontation I think you are stuck now. You either put up and shut up about it all, or you continue to lay the law down. It looks like its just going to be that black and white with her.

I have noticed that those who use the 'x turned y against me' lines are always the ones who use that as a method of control themselves and they can't seem to see that their behaviour is wrong nor that most normal people don't act like that.

I text her to say that I hoped her mum was ok as DH had had no response
Why? Do not contact her! Let all contact be through your DH, and if she refuses to answer then that's her problem. Don't feed this behaviour.

Don't text her again.

Either phone DH granny or text FIL on how granny is.

Good grief, Fairy, i have just read this and your previous mil thread.

I hope DH and you can continue to stand firm together on this. Would getting him to talk in general about the types of things she did when he was younger, in order to show him that she's clearly doing it again, help him not to have the wool pulled over his eyes? I appreciate he may not want to go there and wouldn't want it to cause more tension between you guys.

Please take care of you, it's hard enough with a baby and PND without all this extra hassle. No-one on here thinks you are exagerating or BU, at all. So that's easily a few hundred people vs one selfish mil. What I am really trying to say, badly, is and

I wouldn't keep texting about Granny or anything else.

Your DH replied, she ignored him.

But at least she can't claim that DH didn't care, he did reply, she chose to ignore.

Leave her be now. Don't chase her. That's what she wants. Guilt, worry and everyone running about after her. You can't be mean to her now, not when Granny is so ill.

If she invents an illness for herself or Granny is suddenly struck by a run of bad luck then all she's really doing is giving you even more reason not to bother her.

You didn't want to put any more on her plate.

She should be resting, not running around after children.

She has enough to cope with by looking after granny.

She's not well enough to look after children, she needs to think of herself.

She is handing you excuses on a plate if you want them. Not that you should, good enough for you to say "DH and I have already discussed this and we have decided that this...is what is happening."

She's sucking you back into her drama yet again, you really need to stop texting her.

Speak to granny yourself, I don't understand why you feel you have to contact her again?

Let your DH deal with his mother.