For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

Fairy, in the grand pecking order of things, I really think your MIL believes that Granny trumps Stepmum.

Total narcissism. You are handling yourself admirably.

She sounds like my DM .... Who we live very, very far away from !
Hope you're feeling ok, you're doing a grand job !

Hooray for telling him to fuck off. "she really hates falling out...feels really upset after". Utter bullshit.

And how offensive that she's not interested in DS.

I'm not sure whether she's a loon, or a bitch, or both.

Perfect excuse to never speak to the evil bitch again, or have your DCs poisoned by her.

Duchess - would bloody love it if I suddenly found out that you were secretly my SIL!

You've been the bigger person. It didn't work.

I would be tempted to completely rearrange DSD's swimming sessions if this is at all possible, even if it means paying for them yourself. Set up an entirely new arrangement, tell the pool manager that there are safety concerns around your DSD's grandmother (which there clearly are, after the driving off with DS incident) and she is not to be told the details of DSD's new lessons. You expect them to take this safeguarding issue seriously.

I would then totally ignore her. Contact Granny directly, do not go through MIL.

Your DH needs to stop making excuses. MIL could be suffering from mental health problems, which manifest as behaviours that make her unsafe around the children; if this is the case she needs professional help. Otherwise, she's just being incredibly badly behaved and petulant- but still dangerous.

She is so annoyed you won't do as she says that she would ignore your DS just to spite you (in her eyes.). Does she not realise he is her grandson too?!

The favouritism has to stop, at any price.

MIL needs to be told to stay away from all of you until she's prepared to act healthily toward every single member of your family.

There is literally no wiggle room for her on this.

Your DH needs to read toxic parents book. Then sit some.

Then when he's processed it all he has to tell his mother how it is.

She has no rights over either of your DC, she isn't going to pick up DSD from anywhere, the swimming lessons will no longer be attended. If you are in a position to source lessons elsewhere, do this.

Ranks must be closed, wagons must be circled.

There isn't any other way around this.

If you don’t solve this now, she'll destroy your family from within. She'll kill the love between your DS and your DSD. She'll destroy your DS as a result, blighting his life, long after you've gone.

The stakes ARE that high!

If his entire childhood was like that why is he so willing to let his DD endure the same thing...

Jesus, it gets worse.

She said she'd be picking your DSD up, because it's nothing to do with you?

Honestly Fairy, time to stop playing so nicely. Do not text her, do not speak with her. You are actually being far too reasonable IMHO. She hates you. Nothing you can say or do will change that, so waste no more time or energy on her.

Finally, I really do think you need to protect DSD from her. I can only imagine the poison she spouts to your DSD about you - she will have made it her mission. She probably tells her that you don't love or want her now DS is here. This could damage their sibling relationship forever.

Your DH needs to stand firm, be very clear with his M about who parents DSD. Your fucking crazy EMIL just does not recognise you at all. You are merely stopping her taking the leading role as DSD mother.

I would be going no contact forever for a long, long time, to protect yourself, your DSD and your DS.

As an aside, could you adopt DSD? then emigrate

Because random, the fear of defying his mother is bigger than wanting his children not to suffer as he did.

He survived, didn't he?

I know that's wrong, but that's what a narc mother does to a child.

Breaking the cycle, for an abused child, is terrifying; irrational, gut wrenching, agonisingly painful terror.

It's the fear of a child, not that of a grown up.

Hissy I well understand that, I just wanted Fairy to think about the logic he is projecting...

"Deep down she just hates falling out," does she? Well, here's an idea, maybe SHE SHOULDN'T FALL OUT WITH PEOPLE THEN!!

I think living in the midst of this foggy mess of narcissism and manipulation, it's a big ask for thé OP or anyone in her immediate family to see what's going on outside of that maelstrom.

Space is needed. Suspending contact and setting rigid rules for the short term, until behaviour's better is the only way through this.

i really really don't understand why you let guilt trip you again into texting her when she hadn't replied to your dh. She will just see that as you being under her thumb again.

WHY!!? she's totally controlling you op. 24 hours ago she drove off with your baby, who she's decided not to look after anymore.

this is ridiculous.

Deep down she really hates people falling out with her.

Aka 'not doing what they're told'.

random at first he felt he didn't have a choice. He was 19, and inform 2 months before birth that he was about to become a father - he hadn't seen the mother literally since conception - it was a brief fling and over.

DSDs mother then attempted to care for her despite wanting adoption, neglected her and eventually gave her up completely when she was still small. DH found himself with a small child, no money, and nowhere to go but MIL.

MIL took care of a DSD while DH went to work, once he had saved deposit to buy a flat he tried to take her but MaiL guilt tripped him and told him he couldn't do it without her, couldn't afford child care etc etc, said it would break DSDs heart, she was really only mother she had known etc etc at 22, DH believed her so left her there and was travelling back and forth every night to gave tea and put DSD to bed. When she started school DH put foot down and took her. MIL incensed.

DSD obviously missed her granny, so DH has remained very in contact.
As you can see, she is a very complex character and capable of extreme manipulation and it has been very very hard to untangle ourselves now!

It is not as easy as 'why would he let her be so involved'

OP, you are this child's mum. End of.

Your DH had a difficult situation thrust on him and it seems like he did a sterling job in caring for his child and then taking full custody for her.

He now needs to step up even more to realise his priorities now are to his daughter, his son, his wife and then himself.

The MIL may be ill. She may be controlling. She may be medically depressed. She may be distraught at losing control of the child. No matter. She has had a wonderful opportunity - if a little stolen - to have such an input in her grandchild's life but she shouldn't have used her son's predicament to her own advantage. What she should be doing is worshipping at your feet how wonderful you are with the daughter and be embracing the fact she has had a close relationship with her but now happy for her she has a mum again.

Your husband needs to man up as your two children are being played off against each other, treated differently, and one day they will realise and it won't be pretty.

MissS makes a good point there, your kids need to be treated as equal by their GM or resentment will realise it. I know that from experience. Maternal GPs have favourites and Sis and I weren't in that group but Paternal GM picked me as a favourite. We spent every weekend with PGPs. My Sis never really had a GP who thought she was worth anything (well other than PGF, but he did treat us equally so Sis never got the whole attention). And now she has turned into a complete narc herself, displaying the exact same traits as PGM.

That's not to say your MIL shouldn't be thanked for everything she did. She really should. But she should have taken a step back a long time ago and definitely needs to now. You don't need DSD being confused as to who her main carer is any more than DS wondering why GM hates him. If it were me, I'd be telling her she needs a cooling off period and she will be welcomed back when she feels she can be a grandparent only to both equally.

Sorry I've not put over what I meant very well at all.

Perhaps you need to point out to your dh that he is subjecting DD to the same sort of horrible behaviour he endured as a child and she does in fact need protecting from it. That doesn't mean no contact ever, it does however mean you both standing firm and unison to keep her in order and on good behaviour.

Far more damage could be done to your DD through MILs ongoing behaviour than it would you having to stop contact altogether.

Your DH must have found it hard to put his foot down when DD started school, he needs help to do it again.

random I understand what you are saying. It is a conversation DH and I gave had before.

Can I just say - I bloody LOVE mumsnet.

You are all just great looser

Loser!

You know what says loud and clear that your MiL does not have your DSD interests at heart? Like a real mother would? She isn't putting the child first. She is being incredibly selfish.

Wholeheartedly agree there purple!

Good lord.

I actually think you already have been 'the bigger person' by texting to ask about granny. If she really wanted to end this, she could have texted back and you could have all ignored the situation like the giant elephant in the room for ever more.

She ignored you though. The only thing that will do is you grovelling for her forgiveness.

Your DH is wrong, she's not looking for a way out of the upset, she's looking for control.

This woman made you walk ( for an hour) home with your baby after initially driving off with said baby in the car. And you are asking us if you should continue with the relationship. It's not just your husband who needs 'to grow a pair' !!!! Sorry for being blunt.