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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

334 replies

fairy1303 · 04/10/2013 10:58

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

OP posts:
bootsycollins · 07/10/2013 14:59

Aaahhhhh she's sticking with the " be nice to mummy, don't challenge anything I say or do or I might keel over and die and it'll be all your fault" routine.............yawnHmm

Don't give her any oxygen fairy

eatriskier · 07/10/2013 15:50

FIL is back enabling I see. Though as she is suffering unexplained dizzy spells its for the best if neither DS nor DSD goes in a car with her or in her care at all until she is properly checked out and passed off by a medical professional Wink

FixItUpChappie · 07/10/2013 16:16

Frankly, I don't think your DH gets it. He shouldn't need to "support you" in this....he should see with his own big boy pants that she is totally not on and deal with this himself. Her behaviour in the car after SW was downright criminal and so far beyond just a little freak out. Your DH should be, independent of you, furious, outraged and fed up. I think he really needs to be told what needs to be what.

She sounds unstable. I wouldn't involve myself with someone who treated me in such an abusive fashion. I know your in a difficult position with DSD....I would tell DH he can see her at their place/out and about with the kids supervised IF she remains appropriate and any badmouthing of you would mean an immediate end to the visit.

Its for your DH to really step up and deal with this. If I were him I would start with a meeting with his mum and dad where he lays out the boundaries hence forth.

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2013 16:26

Oooooo GOD! Dizzy spells now! Hmm sigh.

If it wasn't so bloody infuriating it would be funny!

Littlegreyauditor · 07/10/2013 17:00

She's like Mrs Bennett now, taking to her room and shrieking for her smelling salts.

Hmm
clam · 07/10/2013 17:18

I agree with chappie. Your dh "supporting" you sounds as if it's your problem that he's, on the surface of it at least, siding with you. But it's both of your problem, although I think you need to step backwards out of the whole sorry mess and let him deal with her - assuming you can trust him to be tough with her.

ConfusedandDazed24 · 07/10/2013 22:22

What about Granny?! Does she not need to be rushed to now then?! You're right Fairy, it's clearly all for attention. Did DH respond to the news of the dizzy spells?

ConfusedandDazed24 · 07/10/2013 22:23

PS eatriskier is right Wink

Thumbwitch · 08/10/2013 00:07

Ha, "dizzy spells". It'll be the unexplained heart symptoms next, I promise you.

I wouldn't trust your FIL further than you could throw him either, tbh. He's lived with this all his married life and rather than bring the evil manipulation to a halt by telling her to just bloody stop, he's allowed and enabled her to continue by sticking his head in the sand and letting her get away with it. No support from him, he's a kipper (two faced and no back bone).

I disagree with FixitUp because it's not that simple. Your DH is still in "child" mode around his parents, and reverts to the way he's been taught to deal with his mother's ridiculous outbreaks - as others have said, it's the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) routine. It's just not that easy to "break out" of it and suddenly grow up - if it was that easy, then these manipulators wouldn't be able to carry on as long as they do!
But certainly buy him the toxic parents book and maybe it will start to ring some bells for him. His father is as much guilty as his mother for the situation.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 11:36

MIL has sent me flowers!

OP posts:
piratecat · 08/10/2013 11:37

oh that helps. Hmm

EldritchCleavage · 08/10/2013 11:38

Although I'm going to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt and say that's very nice, it would be so much better for her to talk to you. As it is, this is a gesture that puts you in a position where you will be expected to forgive and forget, yet nothing is resolved.

What are you going to do?

Original poster
fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 11:40

No apology or anything - just 'dear Fairy, love MIL' - what am I supposed to do now? Phone her to thank her? Ignore?

I'm flummoxed

OP posts:
Original poster
fairy1303 · 08/10/2013 11:41

No idea!

Tempted to phone and say thanks, very kind but still very hurt, see what she says?

OP posts:
Tiredtrout · 08/10/2013 11:45

I think you should just ignore them, classic manipulation technique, you didn't react to her being ill so now it's unsolicited gifts, just because. Ignore or you will have her thinking its all good again

ThePost · 08/10/2013 11:53

Don't engage. You'll be sucked back in.

Littlegreyauditor · 08/10/2013 11:55

At least flowers are pretty. Grandmother use to have masses said for us (judgy and obnoxious all in one), so Mum used to respond by buying gifts from Oxfam...goats, chickens, a tree, a water pump, a birth certificate.

It suited the passive aggressive tone, and at least the charity benefited.

Maybe you should send her a copy of The Little Book of Calm?

KillerKoalaFace · 08/10/2013 11:57

I would say "Thanks for the flowers, they're lovely. I know how hard it is for you to apologise and I appreciate the gesture." And then carry on with your zero tolerance to her behaviour.

Weasleyismyking · 08/10/2013 11:57

How manipulative to not send a note!

Maybe a quick text saying: "thank you very much for the apology, give me a call and we'll arrange a time to chat this through all together x"

I know she didn't apologise but just ignore the game playing and treat it as it should have happened.

gamerchick · 08/10/2013 12:03

If you want to respond then text a thankyou for the apology as has been said. just that, nothing else though. don't engage as also has been said.

That way she can't slag you for ignoring her nice gesture.

Man it all sounds knackering. I couldn't be bothered.

MimiSunshine · 08/10/2013 13:12

I've not posted until now. But I wanted to say that as horrie as this will sound. You are winning the battle, she's showing her hand with all of the "I knew fairy would turn you and DSD against me" to your DH. She can sense him pulling away and standing with you.
This will probably mean she'll retreat then come back on the attack again though.

I'd do as suggested and drop her a text to say thank yo for the flowers (no need to be rude and ignore) and that the apology was appreciately received. Leave it at that and watch her stew, she can hardly say it's not an apology without looking like an arse

eatriskier · 08/10/2013 13:37

This is another round in the manipulation, and in some ways its going to work. You can't ignore the flowers because then you're the bitch with the problem and proving her right, so you have to engage. Engaging is totally what she wants. So the only way you can play it, I think, is like everyone else has said and just message her - and definitely just a message not a call or anything - saying "thank you for the apology, the flowers are lovely"

That way you have responded and acknowledged, but aren't being drawn in. Also the fact you've taken it as an apology will probably wind the crap out of her! What you won't be doing with that though is saying that all is forgiven nor forgotten.

Scrounger · 08/10/2013 13:44

God she is good at this, it is a shame she doesn't put this amount of thought into actually helping you all as a family and being a great grandmother to all of her grandchildren.

Agree with the others, accepting it as an apology will really annoy her. Please, don't let her lull you into a false sense of security, it is just another line of attack, keep your eye on the end goal and don't let her deflect you or your DH.

sicutlilium · 08/10/2013 13:48

'Thank you for the lovely flowers - apology accepted' Grin

YourHandInMyHand · 08/10/2013 14:09

Personally I wouldn't say thanks for the apology as she hasn't apologised, and if you accept her non apology you will all be back to square one as she hasn't said sorry, accepted her behaviour was shocking, nothing! I don't think it will annoy her, I think she will be WANTING you to get in touch and fall at her feet. Angry

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