For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

OMG, Fairy!!! This woman is fucking dangerous! I can't believe your DH has put up with this his whole life and is still willing to allow his DD to be exposed to her behaviour.

Bloody hell! I actually pity your MIL because her misery is entirely of her own creation and she can't see that - plus she was no doubt fucked up in the first place by HER upbringing.

BUT - and it's a massive but - I am so happy you have drawn a line in the sand and told her clearly that YOU are DSD's parent. You sound lovely and so does your DH. But I can totally see how having been raised by such a person he has learned to appease her so he's actually doing really well. I think you give him courage :)

Just hang in there, together. She will either get the message or she won't. Not your problem. She's an adult, not a toddler.

Hurray for you! You've really got the changes in place since swimsuit gate, and that can't have been easy to do. I read your post and cheered for you remembering your last thread.

Tantrums are inevitable, you're challenging behaviour she's always found works well for her and she's going to escalate it in the hope it makes you give in to her. In a way it shows the changes you've made are the right ones and are really starting to work.

So, do you think your FIL will be back on the phone again, saying how upset she is and that you ought to apologise?

If clam is right, please tell him to fuck off in the same manner as you did to DH

My heart always beats a little faster fairy when i read the things she says to you!

I think you're doing fabulously. All the advice here is spot on.

But pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't text her any more!

She didn't reply to your DHs text because she wanted you all sitting round worrying. And texting her .... and thinking about her ....

And it worked!

You need to recognise manipulating behaviour when it starts OP. Hard when you yourself are not a conniving cow manipulative person - but SHE IS. Always be on guard for it :(

fluffy exactly!

This, right here, is why I'm glad my mother is no longer alive. I'd have had to go through loads of this shit with her. Op, you stick to your guns and don't let DH waver. I second the motion for reading Toxic Parents.

LifeIsFarEasierWithoutTiggaxx

It doesn't sound like she is backing down & yr dh doesn't seem to be putting his foot down as much as he could. You seem to be holding up very well & making your points forcefully enough.

What does your dh want (once he realises that capitulation to her whims is not an option?)

Does he want to continue on with MIL treating dsd like a quasi daughter whilst ignoring you and ds? He's already told her you 4 come as a package. That's good.

Is he not worried about how her behaviour is affecting his wife's health, how long term it would be bad for ds to be a secondary grandchild and bad for dsd to be this golden to the extent she has an ally against her parents?

I'd wager he is placating her more than you realise if MIL still hasn't backed off. She is acting like she & yr FIL can cause a rift & eventually cast you & ds out of the family.

If your PIL can't be made to apologise and start behaving like normal gps then your dh needs lots of support to deal with his toxic family. I don't see how he can continue to expose dsd to their craziness. She might miss granny but if granny is toxic long term that's going to be bad for the whole family.

I get why you want to let dh take the kids to see the GPs but I think it's not helping. It panders to them & splits your family casting you out. It's giving them some of what they want whilst they make no concessions themselves.

Your mil needs to see a counsellor.

So much of how this plays out depends on your dh. You need to stay away from dealing with her. Stop texting her.

I'm wondering if you texted her re: grandmother so you couldn't be accused of not caring about her accident. And criticised for it.
If so, then the thing is, it makes no difference. You're going to be slagged off to all and sundry by her regardless of what you do or don't do, so withdraw. Don't feed the drama.
And as someone else has said, the less information and knowledge and involvement in your lives she has, the less she can interfere. So, for instance, even if the funding of it is an issue, I really think it would be worth it to switch the swimming lessons to something you and dh are responsible for, rather than her.

Once I accepted my IL were going to slag me off whatever I did, when I realized there was no winning their approval - it was very liberating.

They had to realized I wasn't going to be pushed out of my family and they couldn't break us up and I wasn't going to be undermined or let them undermine DH - once that happened we could all move forward and did - we get on very well now.

I think there are whole sections of those behaviors in the Toxic -IL book and suggestions of how to cope- I didn't know it existed so spent many years being upset and winging it with mixed results.

My own parents like to gatekeep relationships between relatives ie every thing goes through them. It doesn't make for good relationships within my family. If you can get your DH to ring GM directly - though I've found with my family other relatives don't like this as then we both suffer my Mothers displeasure.

Fairy I know the situations not brilliant but the understanding, good advice and benefit of shared experience is fantastic. Stick to your guns and refuse to be divided and conquered

I think that you and your DH need to remind yourselves of what your DH says "she's not well fairy", and act accordingly. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is never going to be well.

fairy you're glad I'm not your SIL really as my bonkers DM was so incensed at not being the centre of attention after my SIL had an op and was there to 'help' that she got pissed, started a row and tried to chuck SIL down the stairs, just one of many reasons we have as little to do with her as possible !!

I haven't read your entire thread or your previous ones, but it sounds like she really may be mentally ill. Has she ever been checked out by mental health professional. It is the rages and anger issues that made me wonder, plus the inability to see reasonable boundaries within relationships.

She's not diabetic she's borderline. She's a full on narcissist, there's no cure for a personality disorder. Read Kundrys posts.

Hello, fairy, I do hope you're ok.

Feel free to park MIL as an issue and look after yourself. She's been the complete focus for the last few days. Now that she's stormed off to Granny's (poor Granny!) you can re-group.

And please do tell your DH that appeasement is not on the agenda. There is no need for any ultimatum or dramatic announcement, just let MIL stew in her own juice and act as you mean to go on from now on, not letting MIL get away with any bad behaviour and allowing only supervised contact (if any) with DSD.

Tiggy and Horrid, appreciate it's a long thread, but MIL has been behaving badly for many many years, so unlikely to be new MH issues (although possible that they are being worsened by new health problems).

So, if we're taking the toxic/narcissist issue as the most likely cause of her behaviour (yes, I know diagnosis by Internets is ridiculous but I'm going with it anyway) then the person probably at greatest risk of harm from it is actually your DSD.

I don't know if anyone upthread has mentioned it but it sounds like she's cast her in the role of golden child. Golden children are quite often fucked up too as it's not good for anyone to think they're perfect all of the time stating the bleeding obvious. There are other issues too such. Fracturing sibling relationships by setting them against each other. And the moment when she realises that DSD has a mind of her own and isn't just a malleable little cipher (if that does happen) would prove very painful for your DSD.

I'd recommend a book on toxic parents for your DH, he's clearly stuck in FOG and needs the tools with which to deal with such a toxic mother. I don't mean a spade for burying her under the patio either

I've been thinking, and her refusal to have anything to do with your son is horrendous isn't it? It's been a bit lost in all the other stuff - but if there's any proof need ed that this is purely all about her and her narcism then here it is.

Both grandchildren are fathered by her son. But the only one she wants anything to do with is the one she considers 'her'.

I could rage here all day for you OP!

But i second eldritchs - ''There is no need for any ultimatum or dramatic announcement, just let MIL stew in her own juice and act as you mean to go on from now on, not letting MIL get away with any bad behaviour and allowing only supervised contact (if any) with DSD.''

Don't give her the drama or excitement of any 'show-down type' stuff. Just calmly keep her at arms length and let her snarl and snap. Ignore it. Like you would a toxic little dog.

the one she considers 'hers* '

I agree with fluffy. Your MIL really does consider DSD to be "hers" and as such, you are not and cannot be her mother. But your DS, well, he IS yours. And so she's not interested because she has less control and would have to "share".

She just can't see that you have any "right" to her child, as she sees it.

I'm glad your DH has told her that you are DSD's mum now, but frankly, she doesn't believe it, so it has to be reinforced again and again and again. Withdrawing your DSD from her influence is probably going to be the best way, if hard, to do that - but will probably be best for your DSD in the end.

This is incredibly fucked up, OP. I agree with fluffy too - MIL actually thinks she is the child's mother!

Yes - she does.

I got talking to someone recently, who had a child at DSDs school - MIL butted in 'oh WE have a child at that school! Yes, we've been rather impressed really, how about you?'

She checks the school website and has been known to text me to 'let me know' about school pictures, etc.

Gahhhh

On another note, DH text FIL about something - FIL dropped in that MIL didn't go to stay with granny because she had some 'dizzy spells'. Just confirmed to me that the whole thing is for attention.