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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband staring constantly at younger women.

187 replies

Eliza73 · 03/10/2013 09:31

I'm getting fed up with my DH staring at other women, usually those in their early 20s. I wouldn't mind him just looking..we all stare a bit at attractive people but he's started smiling a bit inanely and standing there with his mouth open and it's actually making me feel embarrassed. He's 48 and average looks, a bit overweight..I love him but I don't think a beautiful 20 year old would be beating a path to his door. He thinks he is still 20 I think.
The last straw was yesterday when we were at the shops behind two girls who obviously fancied themselves, flicking hair, pouting and looking to see who was watching them. In the car park, they let their trolley run across the car park whilst my DH is staring, smiling and making it obvious to them he thought they were hilarious. I'm waiting for him to unlock the car. I told him I felt a bit crap...old and unattractive all of a sudden. He said it was " hilarious " and I obviously don't have a sense of humour. I asked him if he would be laughing if two blokes let go of their trolley ( and it smashed into his car ) and he said he would have thought they were twats. I'm also annoyed that these girls were doing it all to make a scene..look at me sort of thing....and he thinks it's just for his benefit.

He is now in a mood says he's just being polite and friendly and now won't bother talking to anyone. Not sure if it's me or him?

OP posts:

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 13:21

Yes, I think there's a huge difference between looking, which is noticing really and staring.

I agree that most of the posters here who say that it's natural to look mean that it's natural to notice.

KedenTTC1Cycle3 · 03/10/2013 13:51

I think it is a rare man who doesn't look. I mean I look when I see a beautiful woman. My DH & I point attractive women to each other.

However, the stop-in-your-track ogling your DH is doing is simply rude.

ShakeRattleNRoll · 03/10/2013 14:04

You never know it might his way of saying he's ready for a bit of swinging with you and 1 other (most probably the one he's eyeing up) .Just a thought.Sounds like he could do with a cold shower if the truth be known.

MistressDeeCee · 03/10/2013 14:08

OP your OH will probably be shouted at by a young woman he's ogling one day, then that'll probably put paid to this situation. I do think most men will have a look at an attractive woman - if I really put my mind to it I can catch my OH doing it if a woman is exceptionally attractive but not in an obvious way at all. & its attractive women around his own age, he doesnt even blink at young women. He doesnt stand there ogling a woman or continuing to follow them with his eyes either, I feel for you as it must really make you cringe. Hopefully its just a phase.

I look at attractive men around my own age too, of course Im very subtle & you'd never know by the flicker of an eye I just appreciate attractiveness I can do that with a glance not an openmouthed stare. When 2 people love each other respect for feelings should always be there..

I hope a young lady's OH doesnt get pissed off with your DH's blatant ogling & start a fight. Either way I hope you continue to tell him that he's out of order; better you tell him before somebody else does...

Boosterseat · 03/10/2013 14:09

Keden Do you both point out and comment on how attractive other men are?

Lots of cool wives/partners here.

limitedperiodonly · 03/10/2013 14:13

I'd be deeply unnerved if a husband and wife duo started discussing my attractiveness.

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 14:33

I'd be deeply unnerved if a husband and wife duo started discussing my attractiveness.

Yes, that could be creepy.

MistressDeeCee · 03/10/2013 14:36

Boosterseat haha! Youve got it down to a T

Boosterseat · 03/10/2013 14:44

I'm cool, really cool. My DH thinks I'm cool.

Oh i hope he thinks I'm cool!

What if I'm not cool? What if hes doesn't think I'm cool?

keeps telling myself im cool

KedenTTC1Cycle3 · 03/10/2013 14:48

Booster he points out the type of men he knows I find attractive.

It's not one sided in the least. Though, IME there are many more attractive women walking around at any given time than there are men. Simply because women tend to be more careful about their appearance.

Paul how would you know they were discussing your attractiveness? I see a person and whisper to my DH "Woah...that person is gorgeous!" and he looks over and agrees. That's the extent of the "discussion". Unless you had supersonic hearing, I don't see how you'd have a clue.

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 14:51

Keden, It just wouldn't happen, but I can dream can't I?

I'm sure I've been given the advice that you should discuss attractive women with your OH when you're out and about. Can't remember who said that though.

stayathomegardener · 03/10/2013 15:07

Eliza,please show your DH this thread.

My DD 15 gets stared at allot by men of all ages when out,the most entertaining recently was when one actually fell off his bike - I witnessed that
But bar bike boy she only ever mentions it when they are with a DP as she finds it so disrespectful.They then come across to her as pathetic rather than just odd....in a why would he be looking at me way.

Original poster

Eliza73 · 03/10/2013 15:19

If I showed dh this thread he would definitely be moody, Firstly for discussing this with other people and I can just hear him saying oh mumsnet..it must be right then. He wouldn't be looking at 15 year olds..our eldest son is 15 and he doesn't pay any attention to his female friends. It's almost as if he thinks these 20 odd year olds would find him attractive and funny and he is the same level as them. I wouldn't dream of starting up a conversation with a hunky 20 year old...I know my limits! But talking to friends we do comment on how women tend to lose a bit of confidence after having children and getting older...men tend to still think of themselves as the same. Although my DH has a beer belly and is balding, he was in the special armed services and I think still sees himself as a bit of a James Bond. I don't want to put him down but he is getting older and needs to accept that! I have!

OP posts:

Lazysuzanne · 03/10/2013 15:34

Perhaps men think they have some innate charisma which transcends the belly and baldness?

Or are they more likely to try their luck just on the offchance that a young lady might have a thing for the older dude who's let himself go a bit?

stayathomegardener · 03/10/2013 15:38

I don't see why just because you are older you or your DH can't chat or joke with twenty somethings,I certainly do as does DH but usually inclusive of each other and certainly not causing the other to feel uncomfortable.
Your DH behavior seems to have crossed a boundary and I really feel for you. Certainly don't let him tell you it's not a problem because it clearly is.

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 15:39

Perhaps most men just feel a bit more hopeful than women do?

I think most women of a 'certain age' realise that the young bucks aren't interested in us, so they fall off our radar.

Boosterseat · 03/10/2013 15:40

women - know your limits

valiumredhead · 03/10/2013 15:40

Every man I know does this. The key to it is being subtle so you don't get caught

Really? I would soon give any bloke I was with what for if I saw this happening!

Lazysuzanne · 03/10/2013 15:43

PaulS, speak for yourself!
I find it easy enough to pull a 'young buck' :o

Lastofthepodpeople · 03/10/2013 15:47

It's fine to notice. It's not fine to leer.

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 15:59

Lucky you Lazysuzanne.

I can't even remember the last time someone of any age tried to chat me up!

limitedperiodonly · 03/10/2013 16:01

OP my husband works in men's retail. He used to work in womenswear, obviously not in a skirt and heels, but selling them.

He says that women routinely undersell themselves and men are deluded.

Every day he'll get a man who claims his waist is 32" and he'll think: 'Yeah, maybe if we lift the paunch up and put the tape measure just above your winkle, which you probably haven't seen for some time.'

He once had someone describe his body as: 'Sort of like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I do need to get down the gym a bit more, only I've had a lot on at work.'

It's difficult for men to sell clothes to women - it was part of his training, he did carpets and washing machines too. It helped that he can really camp it up.

But he said there's nothing better than helping someone choose something that makes them look great men and women. I'm sure you could look great too - if you don't already without realising it.

You need building up and your DH needs a reality check.

BadgersRetreat · 03/10/2013 16:02

Of course men look at other women. They are married, not dead. But there's no need to be a twat about it.

DH got a little wake up call when we were in New York about 15 yrs ago. He got a lot of unwanted attention from the gay guys there, and it made him incredibly uncomfortable. They were just looking him up and down and the odd wink but it was enough.

I pointed out that that's exactly how men make women feel when they leer at us. A real eye opener i think.

We're like Kayden and her OH - we point out pretty people to each other. SUBTLY!

Lazysuzanne · 03/10/2013 16:04

Well I'm a bit tongue in cheek there PaulS, but more generally making the point that men tend to be more open to 'casual offers' than women are so it's easier for women to 'get lucky,

PaulSmenis · 03/10/2013 16:05

I remember being a teenager and old men creeping me out. Men should bare in mind that to a teenage girl, a 30 year old is a creepy old man.

I have honest to goodness never seen a 15 year old boy and leered at him.

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