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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband staring constantly at younger women.

187 replies

Eliza73 · 03/10/2013 09:31

I'm getting fed up with my DH staring at other women, usually those in their early 20s. I wouldn't mind him just looking..we all stare a bit at attractive people but he's started smiling a bit inanely and standing there with his mouth open and it's actually making me feel embarrassed. He's 48 and average looks, a bit overweight..I love him but I don't think a beautiful 20 year old would be beating a path to his door. He thinks he is still 20 I think.
The last straw was yesterday when we were at the shops behind two girls who obviously fancied themselves, flicking hair, pouting and looking to see who was watching them. In the car park, they let their trolley run across the car park whilst my DH is staring, smiling and making it obvious to them he thought they were hilarious. I'm waiting for him to unlock the car. I told him I felt a bit crap...old and unattractive all of a sudden. He said it was " hilarious " and I obviously don't have a sense of humour. I asked him if he would be laughing if two blokes let go of their trolley ( and it smashed into his car ) and he said he would have thought they were twats. I'm also annoyed that these girls were doing it all to make a scene..look at me sort of thing....and he thinks it's just for his benefit.

He is now in a mood says he's just being polite and friendly and now won't bother talking to anyone. Not sure if it's me or him?

OP posts:

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:02

Lack of self-awareness annoys me in (some) young girls too. I remember in my old house (with x) the teenaged girl left the house with shorts up to her butt crack and a slutty top on, my x was staring out the window genuinely shocked (I believe him) thinking omg look at that ridiculous outfit, she looks like she's fallen in to a box of dressing up clothes and come out with a tooood, do her parents know? where is she going? hope she sticks with her friends'. He was thinking all that when she looked back over her shoulder as if to say "pervert looking at me".

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:04

left the house opposite

ssd · 03/10/2013 11:06

sorry zoe, but don't agree with you there. I've seen girls dressed like that and they can look great, minus your butt crack and slutty comment... it shouldn't invite anyone to perve at her, whatever she wears.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:07

Zoe get real. Girls can wear what they bloody well like without being called sexist names by other women. Awful language there.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/10/2013 11:07

Tell him to put his tongue back in, he's drooling. If he has DDs himself you could ask how he'll feel when men his age start gawping at them.

There's a difference between noticing the opposite sex and liking attractiveness and youth, enjoying the scenery so to speak, and openly goggling at it.

I told him I felt a bit crap...old and unattractive all of a sudden.
Everything all right between you?

MrsWolowitz · 03/10/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 03/10/2013 11:08

Men will look. I think that is a fact, even those men that "don't"

I was at a family wedding recently.

I was being flirted at with men of 65+ I'm 42. Friends of my Dad.

When I went to give one of them a couple of 'goodbye' pecks, the friend told me: "enough of all the formality" and planted a massive one on my lips!

I told my DH and he didn't seem concerned at all

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:10

My husband was made very uncomfortable once by the 16 year old daughter of his good friend. She was probably experimenting with her new-found sexual allure or whatever and chose DH as a "safe" flirting tool. But she was squashed up against him on a small seater sofa and he didn't know where to put himself! He got up as soon as she tried to sit on his knee! But the key thing here was that he never even thought of taking advantage of her proximity with a good old perve...he was uncomfortable and embarrassed! To him she was "Little X" who'd suddenly grown up and even when he sees some gorgeous young woman he' sees them as someone's daughter before anything else...that's because he has daughters of his own!

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:11

ssd you have completely misunderstood me.

nobody ever deserves to be 'perved at' no matter what they are wearing, but this was a child, she was dressed inappropriately and my x (for all his faults was not a paedophile) if he was staring it was out of concern because he knew what age she was. A young girl can be forgiven for having no self-awareness whatsoever. A middle-aged married man, less forgiveness.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:12

Feminie that's gross..and not quite the same thing. At 42 it's a given that you can handle yourself and you should have told them to piss off. But a young or inexperienced woman needs some protecting from society in general and men looking and staring is NOT normal when they're so much older as in the OPs case.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:12

Zoe are you in the habit of calling children sluts then?

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:14

and to OP, instead of telling him you feel old and crap, take back a bit of power. I would tell him, that blatantly ogling other women in your presence is a massive turn off for you. It's disrespectful. Tell him the disrespect and his inappropriate leching is a turn-off for you.

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 03/10/2013 11:16

This thread reminds me a lot of this...

Yanbu OP, it sounds as if he's causing you embarrassment. There's no harm in looking, but you'd probably feel better if you told him he was being a little too obvious.

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:16

eh, right. NOT going to get into a big argument with people who are determined to have an argument.

I said the top was slutty. Read back my post.

I was painting the scene. The girl left the house in an inappropriate outfit. My x stared at her in shock. She looked at him like he was a pervert.

Right, fight amongst yourselves now. I will not argue with people who THINK they know what my opinions are.

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:18

Right, have reported that post. I'm sorry but I just can't let that stand. I will not be accused of that by a poster who hasn't read my post properly.

FlapJackOLantern · 03/10/2013 11:20

How hilarious your DH is one of them.No words for you, except if he strays, you won't miss him!

How bloody nasty of you Venus.

Zoe6789 · 03/10/2013 11:24

Fleacircus, I get that. I used to give older men filthy looks. Like to remind them I wasn't put on earth to decorate it. Challenging them. Only if they'd been staring too long. Not randomers/neighbours who caught my eye.

MrsWolowitz · 03/10/2013 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:25

Whatever...you described a girl in a "slutty" top and accused her of being un-self aware...then went on to say she was in fact a child! You're the one lacking in self awareness Zoe

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/10/2013 11:27

MrsWool of course there is and that's the issue here....some of these posters seem determined to blame the girls....who may be experimenting. It doesn't mean they should then be blamed for the behaviour of men who should know better.

As I said, a man with maturity and self control can look at a very young girl dressed provocatively and remember that she IS very young...inexperienced and not long out of childhood....a pervert will just objectify her....forgetting that she's someone's daughter.

fluffyraggies · 03/10/2013 11:29

Humans are animals. We are sexual creatures. It ensures the continuation of our species! We all react in a basic way to sexual stimulants and triggers and sights. It called nature. I see hansom blokes with their top off in the summer (arms and backs do it for me ) and think 'phwarrr', or course. If a girl/woman walks within eyeline of my DH with her bum hanging out of a pair of shorts i forgive him for noticing. He's human. I'd be a bit concerned if he had no reaction tbh. Frankly who wouldn't with the amount of flesh on show these days? We're not talking about admiring a head of glossy hair here after all!

However - we are also highly intelligent. And we should understand how a partner would possibly find it hurtful or disrespectful to be open about what we've noticed.

OP i find your DHs behaviour - grinning and openly watching girls/women akin to me happily flirting away with a bloke when my DH is right next to me. There'd be fireworks for sure! Disrespectful! When i'm with my DH he has the decency to not linger with looks at other women who are striking, beyond a very subtle glance, as he loves me, wouldn't want to hurt my feelings and knows damn well i offer him the same courtesy when other sexy men are around us.

Boosterseat · 03/10/2013 11:36

He sounds charming OP, I'm all for appreciating beauty in the world but I'm pretty sure most respectful people can manage it without gawping.

I practice my very best withering look for gawpers, they are such irritating grotty little wank badgers.

Lets not all jump on the "mansplaining" wagon, not all men gawp like hormonal teenagers. Its just as disrespectful as the OPs husband.

"men will look" bloody hell, women walk around with blinkers on then do they? Eyes to the ground being all submissive and lovely to the love of their life.

Arf.

Boosterseat · 03/10/2013 11:38

Have i wandered into Nethums

MrsWolowitz · 03/10/2013 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beastofburden · 03/10/2013 11:47

AKAK is male, folks. a 6'2 bloke, he claims you can be who you want to be on the internet

And he needs to argue thatall men do this, to make hiself feel better about it.

My DH teaches students of that age, all day long. We have a daughter of 19. He wouldn't consider perving someone of that age. Actually I have never known him perve anybody apart from me

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