I don't f***ing believe it

[Neeliethere]

OH has met someone else. I get that. It hurts. He's taking her away for the week next week. I am at the marital home with my daughter. The marital home has a large drive. She lives 50 miles east of here and they are travelling a long way west.

They are going on holiday to an apartment we have rented as a family for the last six years that I found through a friend of mine and I have personally booked every year since then. Normally me and my daughter and her friend go but a few times with him as well. I am now feeling that I can never go there again because I will be thinking about how they were there having a lovely romantic time. I feel sick just writing this. Tell me I'm not mad.

As if that isn't bad enough he informs me that she is planning to drive to our house and leave her car on our drive while they are away. Am I going mad again? Is that just beyond the pale. The other woman's car on my drive whilst he takes her to our special holiday place shagging her senseless.

God the pain of it. How on earth do people manage to conduct themselves in such a heartless way????

No, you cannot sabotage the car. But there is nothing to stop you putting some breadcrumbs on it, so that it will be naturally decorated by pigeons when she gets back.

Sorry that this has given you pain. I send muy empathy.

Yes it would be disruptive to her GCSE's to be selling the house now but having this level of vitriol from BOTH of her parents toward each other is not really going to be helping either. You need to grieve for your lost marriage, accept that he has met someone else after the split and move on. I know that his choices are hurting you but really you need to be dignified and put your daughter first here.

Having heard my daughter say "I don't think she's as keen as daddy is mum" I am surprised, because I think she should be grateful for any attention she gets. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder*

Some men like very needy women, who won't stand up to them when they behave badly.

I think the OP is permitted to make a few comments that are critical about the OW, in the circumstances. In the grand scheme of the things people do in such cases, critical comments are very mild.

I still think they are trying to goad the OP.

The OP's DD sounds like the only adult in this mess and feel that she is having to deal with her parents' issues.

Please OP, for your DD's sake accept that your husband does not love you, has not loved you for a long time and get whatever help you need to bring this whole sorry mess to an end.

OP you come across as someone in a lot of pain who, quite honestly, needs to get off the internet and simplify your life into 2 sections - 1. Practical arrangements and 2. Therapy.

Quit the marriage, it's dead. Quit the excuses (daughter's exams etc) and get out of the house. There is nothing better you can do for your dd than free her from the toxicity of enduring her parents' bitterness.

Imagine you had one year left in life. Would you really want to devote it to hating on your ex and his new partner?

There is so, so much more you could be doing. I'm not suggesting it will be quick and easy, but don't let it drag out any longer.

You say you are well off. Great. Eat well, exercise a lot, make time for people who are kind and reduce contact with those who are not.

Engage with reputable professional help. Shift your focus from what your ex has done to you to what you can do for yourself.

well said sugarman

OP, I know yiou have received some nasty comments. But I (and many others) really wish you well, there is some good advice here , not the easiest to swallow I guess

Get some Estate Agents round to do valuations. Get the place sold.
Start your life again.
Then you won't have to have his new GF's car on your drive.

I'm wondering if you could record him ranting (without him knowing).

All that kissing at the gate - please. He is a vile prick and you are well rid.

Neelie, you must stop engaging. He's full of this shit and he'll go on and on doing it. On and on. Please do try to disengage. Obviously it hurts like mad but he is a horrid man who has tortured you for years. It's time to let go. Try not to reacte (inwardly I mean) to his cruelty and, let's face it, silliness. He is a silly, spiteful 'man'. You have wasted many years on him, don't waste any more.

I appreciate that you moved out of the marital home (because of the appalling level of emotional abuse), assuming dd would come with you. She didn't. He got his claws into her and in the end you realised you had no choice but to move back in to protect her but also to protect your financial interests (to paraphrase previous threads).

He will be telling the NW all sorts of shit about you. The poor woman has this prize for her next relationship, when she's already up to her neck in an abusive history. Let them go. In my eyes you mentioned her age and benefits because you are an established couple, long in the tooth re age, relationship, finances; and someone young who is not established financially juxtaposes your current set-up (also he has been highly derogatory about your sisters re benefits in the past) and is an absurd choice for an established man. That's how I see it.

You have begged him to not leave you on a number of occasions. I assume it is hurting you that he now finally has, even though you know enough now to know you are well rid. He is rubbing the salt in big time - because he knows how painful it is for you to be left - and he has tortured you for years Neelie: it is time to cut ties and disengage. It's not easy but you really must. Find a way to stop locking horns (in your head, as well as actually) because you will be the loser if you keep taking him on. He will pay his price, that's for certain imo, but you must reclaim your life and peace of mind. Work on your fear of abandonment with a therapist. He is not worth being angry about - he is a silly, spiteful manchild who relishes hurting you. His stuff, don't make it yours.

sorry for long post.

I hope your dd's comments about his new girlfriend aren't the result of you prodding and poking her for comment. Its awful when parents put the weight of their issues on your shoulders when you are a teenager and you have to try to come up with the right answer so your parent doesn't sulk and rage.

Get a chain for the gate, so no one can park on your drive. It's for security reasons. Living alone, blah blah blah.

Ring the holiday flat and have a chat with the owner. It may be that they have some morals, and don't want to ruin your business relationship with them by accommodating your ex and the ow. They may not care about who pays them, and rent to anyone, in which case, you'll feel better to find somewhere else anyway for your hols.

Simples!

On three pages, oops.

I agree with springbiffy, focus on the people you care about - that's you!

Venus, it's his drive too. Also I can't see what dragging others into this mess will do to help. If anyone called me asking me to turn away business in order to get back at an Ex, I would think they were unhinged.

The marriage is over. The best thing the OP can do for herself and her DD is accept that and find the practical and emotional help she needs to walk away. Playing games will benefit no one in the longrun.

OP. have you ever seen 'The War of the Roses'?

It ends, as I remember, with the couple in the middle of the house they have demolished- still refusing to leave.

Imagine if this scenario was the other way around:

My husband left me five months ago after a long spell of daily rows. I was upset when he first left but have slowly started getting in with my life. We still argue as we have a child together and have to speak to each other. I've now met someone else and I am enjoying the new relationship.
My husband has now suddenly decided to move back into the house and is making snide remarks about my new partner. I'm going away with my new partner, partly because I want to spend some quality time with him and partly because my husband is now living here and I have no breathing space.
I am certain that he wouldn't have moved back in if I hadn't met somebody else. He's just trying to control me even though we have split for five months.
I'm sick of it, what can I do. I don't want to throw him out and he owns half of the house anyway so has a right to be here.

What would people be saying in this scenario.

Does it not seem a bit like the OP is walking along the lines of; I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either?

OK, I get the hurt. I also get the jealousy. Husband; comfortable earner, nice house - you seem to insinuate that you put a lot of the money/time into and he (and she) is now benefiting from. He was/is abusive - he's a dick. To bring a new woman home and be so very blatant with his affairs is pretty shitty thing to do, to be polite.

BUT - You don't have to justify your anger. What you feel is a very real emotion to a very complex situation. You don't have make comments about her social class, morals or intentions. Whatever those intentions are, there is fuck all you can do about it unless he sees it. You DO have a right to be angry about the fact she may benefit from it - but it DOES sound as if you are also jealous that you are no longer benefiting from it, if that makes sense.

I've no idea of what assets you own together or individually, but sell the house. Sell the assets, or at least divide. You say your daughter will be disrupted by the situation? This is an excuse - she's probably far more disrupted by the back and forth arguing between you and your ex husband/new girlfriend scenario and definitely will feel trapped in the middle. She doesn't want to hurt you and I bet she doesn't want to hurt your ex husband/her father either - so she's stuck in the middle. Coming from a child of divorced parents, this is NOT a nice place to be and I consider myself lucky - my Mum was very passive.

It seems like you are trying very hard to justify your anger when you need not -you shouldn't protest too much. Use this opportunity whilst he is away to organise legal proceedings and establish what you need to divide or take, instead of coming on MN.

I think you may be more pissed off that you can't have him done for adultery in the divorce proceedings than the fact he has a new woman - quickly found or not. You don't sound jealous of her from a "having the man" point of view but rather the financial side of things.

If your DD has had such a non-existent relationship with her father and if he has said he wants out in front of her many times, I don't see why a fresh start in a new home, with none of the awful memories wouldn't be better for her than watching the continuing battles between the two of you.

It's going to happen. Sooner rather than later would be better.

Unless it's you that just doesn't want to part with that house.

I think you need to move your focus to the legal side and arrange the divorce swiftly.

IT's also an ideal time to talk with DD and understand her perspective.

You also need to work away from the rage you're experiencing to Could you talk with my solicitor about that. Thanks.

Obviously a wee note is required. Something like:

I don't provide parking for you,
And if you should think that I do
Then when you return,
You'll very soon learn
What the coppers think. Are you on glue?

oh for goodness sake. My ex's NW had an arse the size of a house and, to my friends, I made much of it. Perfectly human to deride the NW, particularly as he's waggling the NW in OP's face.

Take no notice Neelie. don't defend yourself to the po-faced lot. Have your intense anger, you're more than allowed. Fling some insults, I should.

He's enjoying getting a rise out of you because that's what he's done all the time you've been together. Tailor-made torture, gets off on it

if it's any consolation...my ex took the ow half way round the world to the same hotel we'd got married at....and attempted to discuss the fact that it had 'changed beyond all recognition, you'd hate it' with me on the doorstep. He got a door in his face for that one! I often wonder if she knew...I mean if you knew, you just wouldn't, would you?

Jesus, you sound an absolute nightmare!

I'm not po-faced in any way. I haven't commented on this thread so far, but I've been reading it on and off at work...

Listen. YOU left HIM. For whatever reasons, although I totally understand it was shit, you left. And then he met someone else. And then YOU decided you wanted to move back in, and now you think you can control who he sees and when. If your STBXH had left you, and you met someone else, and then he decided he wanted to move back into the house, months later, do you think he should be able to control you?

With respect, I think you've got a real cheek.

And PLEASE, people, STOP calling the new gf the OW. She isn't. She's a single woman who got involved with a single man.

^ agree with everything that sweetseraphim said.

Why, thank you Norude