There is definitely two camps here aren't there. Yes I left him. I would argue I was driven out of the house. But he would say not. It is not nice living with someone that screams "divorce" if I so much as asked him to clean the shit off the toilet after himself never mind all the other stuff.
I lived with a spoilt man child for 20 years. Our daughter said that she didn't care who it was she just wanted us to part to stop the arguing.
So in the face of that he, the one that often worked away from home, often went away for long weekends and holidays with mates, and spent next to no time with his daughter as she grew up said the following "why should I move out, I've done nothing wrong"! Now there's a grown up attitude for you.
I would add to that I run a business from a room at the house so my need to be there was much greater than his. His input into the home was minimal at best - almost non existent at worst. So yes I cracked and moved out just to get away from the shouting and to give my daughter some peace. He feigned distress the last day I was there and from then it was a case of "woo hoo I've got rid of her, I can get out there and find someone else now".
No, he wasn't the poor broken hearted jilted deserted husband. He drove me out with abuse and threatening behaviour which my daughter witnessed most of the time. Once I was out he turned on the charm for her and she loved it. Mummy has gone and daddy is being lovely now. It must be mummy that makes him horrible. A classic trick. She would spend equal time with me and him but soon this became too complex so she started to spend most of her time with her friend's family. Added to that it was becoming pretty apparent that he was hardly there with her when she was there.
I continued, as agreed, to use the room for my business on a daily basis because this income helped me keep my head above water financially. As soon as he met the new woman he started making noises about my access and how he would like to restrict it even going so far as threatening to change the locks and asking me to only make appointments with my clients at certain times that suited him. Then he started to complain about the clients parking on the drive etc etc This would have rendered my little business unworkable and reduce my income quite substantially when I was still in need of it.
So yes I did move out. And yes one could say I left him. And yes as far as the new woman is concerned he was a single man. But, and this the big thing, I felt aggrieved as I had clearly put myself through a great deal of pain and distress for what I thought would be good for my daughter and it just didn't turn out like that. She is not happy. She is not being cared for or loved properly. She is being manipulated and used for his purposes. Primarily as a, how can we put it, method of showing this new woman what a wonderful father he is, he must be because his daughter lives with him and not the her mother. Of course, her mother is all the cows under the sun for leaving her to hear him talk about it. I will add that the house I rented is walking distance from our house and even closer to her school.
Logic, common sense and sheer decency says he should have done the right thing and been the one to move out. But no, why should he, he had done nothing wrong in his head. He was the victim in all of this. He doesn't give a flying fuck about his daughter. She is just being used to further his own cause. She is just being manipulated to isolate me from her. I have had 5 years of it now. He does it with her, with my family and my friends. Language like "you are off your rocker" or "you are mad, even your daughter/dad/sisters/friends think so they told me. Of course when you ask the individual in question they are just gobsmacked that he said such a thing but the damage is done.
There is no easy or nice way to leave or break up with such an individual. Even though he has someone else he still spends huge amounts of energy trying to cause me yet more upset and isolate me from my family and friends. Whatever other's may think I need to be with my daughter. She needs me to be there for her. It's not about the house itself. It's about her stability and her feeling loved and cared for and not manipulated and used one minute and ignored the next. I have lost count of the amount of times I've asked her if her dad is with her and she says no, he just went out but didn't say where he was going and when he would be back. You don't treat anyone like that if you are living with them surely? Well I wouldn't.
I do feel the need to defend myself a bit. I have been sidetracked about the new girlfriend. It is not her fault that my husband is a complete tool. She will learn in her own good time and I wish her luck with it. Hopefully she'll be smarter than I was and suss it out earlier. Or maybe a relationship like that will suit her. But that is their business not mine. I just need to make sure my daughter feels secure. Already she is seeing the cracks. She has commented on the stark difference to his demeanour when he's talking the girlfriend and when he's not. As she said "he's all nicey, nicey to me when she's there or on the phone and he's asking me something with her still on the line, but as soon as he finishes the call he changes back to shouting and being angry". Kids don't just make this stuff up you know.
However, I am very grateful to all of you that have said that I need to move on. I agree. I find I'm not in the slightest bit interested in the car outside my house. I thought it would upset me each day but it hasn't.
The house will be sold eventually when the divorce and everything is agreed and settled. I do have a solicitor and I am acting according to his instructions.
thanks for everyone's input though, it has been most enlightening.