I don't f***ing believe it

[Neeliethere]

OH has met someone else. I get that. It hurts. He's taking her away for the week next week. I am at the marital home with my daughter. The marital home has a large drive. She lives 50 miles east of here and they are travelling a long way west.

They are going on holiday to an apartment we have rented as a family for the last six years that I found through a friend of mine and I have personally booked every year since then. Normally me and my daughter and her friend go but a few times with him as well. I am now feeling that I can never go there again because I will be thinking about how they were there having a lovely romantic time. I feel sick just writing this. Tell me I'm not mad.

As if that isn't bad enough he informs me that she is planning to drive to our house and leave her car on our drive while they are away. Am I going mad again? Is that just beyond the pale. The other woman's car on my drive whilst he takes her to our special holiday place shagging her senseless.

God the pain of it. How on earth do people manage to conduct themselves in such a heartless way????

Report it as abandoned but don't damage it. There's no point in getting yourself into legal bother over this pairs of utter fuckweasels.

I am just so fucking livid this morning. Not only does he take the other woman to the place the family holidays took place but he told me earlier on in the week he couldn't afford to contribute towards he daughter 16th Birthday party which he agreed to without asking me first then promptly pulled out saying "I think it will help build bridged with E if you took over the party organising. I'll just turn up on the night" Bloody bastard. That was just because he'd book this holiday and knew he wouldn't be back until the day before her party so wouldn't around to help out any way. Now worked that one out.

We are married. Have been for nearly 21 years. I moved out five months ago because he kept following me round the house shouting and wouldn't leave me alone for hours causing really loud shouting matches over the smallest things. Shouted at me the day of my dad's funeral because I told my daughter off for not getting some uniform ready after having asked her about three times. The shouting, pushing and general threatening behaviour was getting intolerable for our daughter too and I asked her if she wanted us to separate and she virtually begged that one of us moved out. I put this to him. Him being a shift worker and hardly ever there, but he refused saying "why should I move out I've done nothing wrong" I wrongly assumed that she would see that he was the one doing all the shouting, pushing and shoving and would come with me. I under estimated two things. A teenager's need to stay where it is most comfortable and the degree to which he is capable of manipulating people especially her.

So a few weeks ago I discover, by accident, that he has met this woman and is inviting her to the family home. She is much younger than him. Has nothing. Lives on benefits and has two kids with a father she never married and lived in his home which he kicked her out of. I don't know she may well be perfectly nice as she is apparently very beautiful, witty intelligent, clever and good in bed. What more can I say. Eye for the main chance or just a coincidence. And before anyone asks, he met her through a dating web site just 8 weeks ago. Now I'm not saying my husband is ugly but you wouldn't pick him out in a line of average men if you know what I mean. He looks a lot older than his 46 years. Would probably pass for someone in his early 50 at least.

Mug? Or dream date. I will leave you lot to decide.

Well she's not the OW if he met after you split and its his drive too so as hurtful as it must be for you I don't think you could do much about it.

Well, I do understand why you are upset but I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable.

If you moved out four/five months ago, and he met her 8 weeks ago, she is not the OW. If you have split, he is free to start a new relationship.

If I was in your husbands position I'd be annoyed if my ex 'informed' me she was moving back in for 'financial and legal' reasons.

My advice (borne of bitter experience) is to focus on what is next for you and your daughter, and top of the list is sorting out the accommodation.

Please don't take this the wrong way but - you moved out, a short time later he met someone, and she visited him in his house where you weren't living. I don't see the major crime here. Yes it's quick and he's an insensitive prick, he should not be bringing her to the house especially now that you have moved back in, but he didn't leave you for her did he? I suspect some of your anger with her is misplaced and is actually your feelings about the ending of the marriage that you haven't yet processed.

So you don't actually live there (although own half obv) but have said you're going to move back in?

Oh I do feel for you.
I'm not sure what to suggest about the car other than to ask lots of friends to park their cars on it for a day or to, so that she can't get hers on it.

Or you could just let her park it, be there when she arrives and wish her a fantastic time at the holiday house, telling her all the places she ought to visit, and how comfy the bed is.
I expect she has no idea she's being taken somewhere where he went with his wife.

Wait a minute, lots of x posts there.

The OP has every right to return to her home, she shouldn't have moved out in the first place and only did because the H was making life intolerable for her. The OP put her dd first. The H is taking the piss.

Try not to get too upset about your DD. Like all teens she is prioritising herself right now. As time passes and she matures, her take on the breakdown of your marriage will change considerably, I can almost guarantee it. Especially if your STBXH carries on behaving in such an irresponsible and cruel manner. The fact that you came back, didn't swan off to get laid in favour of organising her birthday - all these things will matter long term even though they feel like you've been handed the shitty stick right now.

Chances are that this new relationship of his won't work out. Sounds like the age gap in conjunction with the lifestyle gap will cause problems eventually, and that doesn't even take into account that relationships with people who behave like your STBXH rarely end happily, let alone when that kind of personality type is going through a difficult divorce. But none of that matters. His GF is not your concern and is a distraction. I'd also stop concentrating on the fact that she's on benefits and doesn't own her own home, as that says nothing about her morals or worth as a person but makes you sound very materialistic. You are entitled to be angry but focusing on details like that will simply end up with you being eaten up by bitterness that will hurt you far more than it will hurt anyone else. It will also send a damaging message to your DD about judging people based on their wealth, whereas she should actually be judging people based on their kindness and integrity (both of which your STBXH is lacking in spectacularly).

can you park your car across the drive and block access?

This is not about her, this is about you and him. It sounds like he treated you badly causing the breakdown of your relationship. Since then he's been insensitive.

Don't damage the car or have it towed. Do spend the time getting all the financial info you can and looking for a good solicitor.

You should focus on you and your children. Getting teenage dd to make decisions about you moving out was unfair, that should not be her responsibility.

Erm, you split up and you moved out.

YANBU, what they are doing is completely out of order. There's no need to them to holiday in a place which means something to you. Also, there's no need for her to leave her car at the house either. They are both being insensitive at best, complete and utter cunts at worst.

Of course you feel bloody hurt and angry and rightly so.

OP, I agree with Dahlen - you are entitled to be angry with you OH but the NW is a distraction - which is probably welcome but you need to see it for what it is.

but consider this (1) "I moved out five months ago because he kept following me round the house shouting and wouldn't leave me alone for hours causing really loud shouting matches over the smallest things" (2) "They are going on holiday to an apartment we have rented as a family for the last six years" (3) "he couldn't afford to contribute towards he daughter 16th Birthday party which he agreed to without asking me first then promptly pulled out saying "I think it will help build bridged with E if you took over the party organising. I'll just turn up on the night""

there is something really odd about what he is doing. is he trying to provoke you/get a reaction or upset you so much that you agree to a divorce on his terms?

I would focus on professional legal advice and getting on with my life. because at the moment he seems to be in the driving seat with you reacting to him and his 'new life'. it doesn't need to be like that.

I agree with what you are saying Dahlen. I do sound materialistic. However, I know he is the type that is very concerned about image. He will have painted himself to be the wealthy provider to get her attention initially I know that without a shadow of a doubt.

However, I suffered years of shouting and abuse if there was ever an occasion he wasn't getting his own way and it is the case now. He was desparate for her to see our house and he is desperate for her to see him as the doting dad. He hardly spends any time with our daughter and he has been spectacularly absent in her life apart from the last couple of months wanting her to be involved in this new relationship. She has two kids and she hasn't let him meet them yet. I think that will be bothering him as it shows a bit of reserve on her part about things. He is using our daughter to make himself look like the perfect father, which he isn't.

I think the other thing is that I moved out temporarily because the stress of the shouting was getting too much for us all, but mainly my daughter. I didn't expect him to get involved with someone else so quickly and I certainly didn't expect to be introducing our daughter to another person within 3 months of me moving out and telling her that this person was very important to him and how important to him it was that my daughter liked her - after just 4 dates!!!

But I am not directing my anger at her per se. I am just furious that now on at least 4 occasions that I am aware of he is putting her before our daughter. He has twice invited her to the house without telling me or her our daughter sneaking her in and out narrowly missing me or my daughter by minutes. He has twice told our daughter he can't afford something only to go and spend a load of money on this woman. He has twice told our daughter she can't have a friend to stay because he wanted to do something with the OW.

But all that aside, to leave her car on the drive for a week is just out of order to me. To moan at me about my car being there and getting in the way at the same time is out of order. I have a business there and need to access it every day. Without that business my income would be considerably less. That would result on a financial strain on our household income and, therefor, his income and his expendable income. He doesn't seem to realise that. He tells me that I should be looking to maximise my income to be independent of him but at the same time he's bleating on how he can't afford this and can't afford that. I work full time plus a business to run in my spare time. He works at one job and one job only and never does his full quota of 37.5 hour week. Its just the bloody nerve and cheek of of it all really. The double standards. The one set of rules for everyone else and one set for him. And he has the bloody front to spend money taking her on holidays he can't afford and expecting me to look after the car on the drive for the week.

Or am I just a jealous woman?

You mention pushing - was he being violent? I would seek legal advice about your property particularly if he is being violent and that's what drove you out before.

If he met someone after you broke up then it's insensitive, but I can understand that, particularly if you weren't living in the house but I can see it hurts.

You can find new lovely places to go away - think of it as a new start.

And pay for our daughter's 16th Birthday in it's entirety. He has also informed me that he will only agree to not staying inviting her there when I have moved in if I agree to waive any claim to child maintenance. And if I don't agree to that he will make sure that our daughter goes with him when he moves so as to avoid any need to pay the maintenance. Believe me he is that much of a shit. Good god to think I loved the man!!! Shows a spectacular lack of judgement on my part doesn't it.

I do sympathise with you, he's an insensitive prick, but I think you're placing a lot of your anger on this woman who doesn't really deserve it. She's got into a relationship with a man who will have told her he's free (given that you'd moved out). There's no guarantee (from what you've posted) that she actually knows you've moved back in or that she's even agreed to leave her car there and that's not just your H saying it to get a rise out if you.

I get that you're angry, and you have a right to be angry with him. But you keep mentioning her being on benefits (lots of nice people are), being kicked out of her ex's home (relationships do break down sometimes) and having 2 children while unmarried (not sure why that's relevant at all ). That makes you sound quite judgmental tbh.

X post. Get the divorce and seperate your financial issues. He can then suck up the financial difficulties the loss of your income will bring.

I think you should stop focussing on her and the fact she is on benefits. The fact that she is on benefits and was not married to her children's father does not mean that she is a bad person or a gold digger. She doesn't have anything to do with this situation really.

What you should do is focus on getting what you are entitled to from the situation, bearing in mind that his unreasonable behaviour drove you out of your own home.

She isn't really the issues here and doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong at all really. Any anger should be for your husband, hope you can get beyond this and show him how well you can do on your own. If he is such a shit, you are better off without him.

Yes you are right BlatantRedHead. I do sound judgemental. That is because I am being judgemental. That is because I've been around a very judgemental person for 21 years. I have three sisters. One of them is a single mother of two kids of different fathers. She has had to live on benefits for most of their lives. The other two are pretty skint and have struggled to keep their heads above water but have always survived by working in low paid jobs. We are not a clever well educated family but I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak and paid for myself to go through college and an apprenticeship to enable myself to provide for myself and be independent. Part of the cost of that was that I didn't have children until I was into my 40s and relatively well provided for by myself. When he met me I had my own house and a good job and a car. All of which I have handed over to the marriage. He came into the marriage earning slightly less than me, owned some clothes and a push bike. I am understandably livid.

I stand to lose all of that due to him hiding money and pretending to be skint when I know he isn't . But here is the rub, he has refused point blank to have anything to do with my sisters because they are "spongers and takers" in his words. He had nothing do with my family at all for 21 years and he even criticised me for getting caught out by the 15% mortgage rates in the early 90s saying I was a greedy so and so and I had deserved to get into trouble. This came from the guy that has had handout after handout from his parents throughout his life. He has had his expensive golf club membership paid for by his elderly mother for the last four years. He is starting to say that he won't be paying our daughter's school fees because he "can't afford it".

God I could rant for hours about the double standards here.

He sounds like a dickhead and you're well shot of him

I'd be so fucking tempted to smash the bitches car up if I was you! Paint stripper on the bonnet works a treat ;)

Don't agree to anything for a quiet life (such as relinquishing child inheritance) for a quiet life because it won't work. Just let the courts settle it. He sounds like a blamer. Everything is everybody else's fault (eg the mortgage rates in the 90s). He's a mean, insensitive blamer and you are rid of him. You have your own job and after the final shake down you will be ok. I agree with Dahlen, your daughter's eyes will be opened when she sees a much younger woman with two young kids trailing through the house. Also, your dd is not blind. She'll look at her 46 year old father and wonder can he be stupid enough to believe that a very attractive much younger woman wants anything from him other than an easier life!!! Nothing your husband says adds up. YOU should be working on being financially independent of him (you are by the sounds of it!) so that he can support a woman he's just met! oh what a muppet. Get your half of the house and draw a line under it. His half will be gone before you can blink.