I don't f***ing believe it

[Neeliethere]

OH has met someone else. I get that. It hurts. He's taking her away for the week next week. I am at the marital home with my daughter. The marital home has a large drive. She lives 50 miles east of here and they are travelling a long way west.

They are going on holiday to an apartment we have rented as a family for the last six years that I found through a friend of mine and I have personally booked every year since then. Normally me and my daughter and her friend go but a few times with him as well. I am now feeling that I can never go there again because I will be thinking about how they were there having a lovely romantic time. I feel sick just writing this. Tell me I'm not mad.

As if that isn't bad enough he informs me that she is planning to drive to our house and leave her car on our drive while they are away. Am I going mad again? Is that just beyond the pale. The other woman's car on my drive whilst he takes her to our special holiday place shagging her senseless.

God the pain of it. How on earth do people manage to conduct themselves in such a heartless way????

Do not damage or play practical jokes with the car. It might have been left there as a trap and provocation.

SaucyJack How the hell would you know if OP's H was a bastard or not?

OP - if you move back in and your H gets violent or abusive ring the police. They will remove him.

But the most important thing is not to get further sucked into this crap but to see a solicitor to get out of this awful destructive situation you are in. All the ins and outs of OW is just a distraction for you and your DD. Your focus should now be on your future. You know what they say? The best revenge is a life well-lived. That knobhead isn't worth your time or headspace. Eradicate him from your life and future.

How so gobbynorthernbird? I just explained how he undermined and made his mum feel isolated by going round to her friends running her down and playing the nice guy to her friends while being spiteful and refusing to speak to her himself .

He is doing the same to me. Shouting and swearing at me by text, email and to my face whenever he sees me but calls up my family and friends to tell them how unreasonable I'm being and would they have a chat with me.

This is all about him wanting to keep me away from the marital home and that I should accept that he can have her there as and when he likes for as long as he likes as often as he likes.

We have to remember here that I was being shouted at on a daily basis, being chased around the house, doors being kicked in when I tried to get out of the way of the shouting and eventually me being kicked when I tried to get through a doorway away from him and shut it.

Does that sound like I was abusing him or does it sound like I'm a manipulative, passive aggressive control freak or was I just fed up with being brow beaten and shouted at?

I am not gagging to move back in with him. I need to remove him as the main carer of my daughter. She is being used and manipulated. Her school work has taken a dip. He has no idea of what her school work is. He is sending her to school hungry and without clean clothes. She is not being cared for properly and it has been noted by the school.

I made a huge error in moving out and I have to remedy that for several reasons - my daughter being the main one.

Neelie you don't have to explain and defend yourself like this.

If I were you I'd ask MN to delete this thread - but not before you have re-read the supportive comments and sound advice. Such as focussing on the legalities and financial side asap, reporting his abusive behaviour,
and keeping your dignity.

Oh - and start a new thread in Relationships.

I feel for you.

Do you anticipate he will be taking DD on holiday too ?
Do you have any way of stopping this ?

Otherwise, surely, their trip is now a massive opportunity to:

1. Talk with DD. See how she really feels. What's been happening etc.

1. Bring criminal charges against him for the assault and violence you describe.

1. Consequently get a court order to prevent contact or otherwise control living arrangements.

1. Perhaps they can stay at the place you're currently renting ?

Ideally, the first few hours of his return should be assisting the police with their enquiries.

I think he's repeating the same pattern. He is wanting her to meet the people in our lives in the hope that they will tell me how nice she is and that I am being unreasonable being hurt by her presence in our lives.

I wonder whether another interpretation is that he is a narcissist prick who doesn't care where love, approval, validation come from as long as he gets it from somewhere, anywhere.

Good luck but see this as a game changing opportunity.

It's clear he's a control freak, and I would be pretty shocked if he just left DD at home with you.

"but he seems to delight in poking her presence in my face.

oh yes! he is an abuser, so he still sees you as his property, you left him, it stings. he wants to hurt you! and he is suceeding, dont let him play this!!

OP i feel very compassionate for this situation, sending you luck

sweet jesus, just read your post even before OP

I know its hurts but this women is a blessing in disguise as you are well rid of this abusive cxxt. she has done you a favour. Yes it hurts, but him being in another relationship is a good thing really as it will get you off his radar eventually

he is obviously still very consumed by you, that so blatently why he wants to hurt you. and he is suceeding! arm yourself my dear

agree, your reaction is human, but the issue is NOT her (I pity her tbh)

the issue is getting yourself 100% free from this horrible man, and back into a home with your DD

and stay strong, stay patient and this will come to pass XXXX

What on earth has he got himself caught up in? Single mum of two just in school age. Not working, living on benefits. Is homeless because her partner, the father of her children, kicked her out of the house that he owned on his own and she had not security of tenure for her or her kids.

this has made me feel zero sympathy

SNOB

I've been a homeless single mum and didn't read any snobbery in what the OP said. She's just frustrated and upset.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago - right down to having the relationship paraded in front of me while I was recovering from PND and I'm pretty sure I said some not very nice things about my XPs new squeeze (now his wife).

However, with the benefit of hindsight I think she did me a huge favour.

I agree with fromparis -wholeheartedly.

Thanks for your input guys.

Thanks Fromparistoberlin for your level take on it.
Yes I am hurting even though I recognise I am well rid of him.
She probably is a blessing in disguise and sadly she will have her turn of the treatment I received.

Well today came and they went. He had told me they were leaving at lunch time. I was there to take my daughter off out for the day. He was busy packing. Twice he tried to start an argument with me which I just ignored. He was clearly very agitated with me being there. My daughter then disappeared off to her mates for a few minutes. He drove off and I thought that was him gone. No not a bit of it. I was putting some stuff in my car and his car and her car pulled up out side the house. They stood on the pavement and kissed for a while then transferred her bag from her car to his. She stood and stared at me for a few seconds then got into his car leaving hers there. It is still there and will be until late Wednesday afternoon.

Now I don't know what other's think of this but it is a very childish game which she is clearly prepared to get involved in. This says a lot to me about what type of person she is. I have no doubt she's not as wonderful as himself would have me think.

I think they are well matched (shame to spoil two households as they say!). And speaking on a very snobby level, having been told by him several times how much more attractive she is and how much younger, fitter and beautiful than me she is I had to laugh. She is a dog!! No truly she is. I don't care if that makes me sound bitchy. Having heard my daughter say "I don't think she's as keen as daddy is mum" I am surprised, because I think she should be grateful for any attention she gets. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Thank you Flippinada. I am frustrated and upset. I am also bloody sick of his sill childish games and his constant emails and text messages telling me what a control freak I am. I really fail to see how there is control in the following sentence "Why don't you just f**k off with your new woman, stay out of my sight and stop sending me stupid text messages and emails telling me what a control freak I am. Stop calling my friends and family and telling then what an awful person I am and stop telling me how my friends and family all support and agree with you".

Just last week he said that he thought me such a controlling person that he was considering phoning the police because he was "scared" that I would do something to jeopardise his relationship. He claimed that he was going to get a restraining order taken out against me because I got upset and told him so by text that he was taking her to our very own special place and the place I still intended taking our daughter this year and next. There were no threats just that it was hurting my feelings and would he not reconsider and park elsewhere.

But the very next day he asked me if he could travel with me to a friend's funeral. No I said I didn't want him to come with me as I didn't want to be around him at all. I didn't want him to come to a funeral of a close friend of mine that he barely knew and hadn't seen in over 6 years. He then went into a another rant about how I was being a control freak and controlling where he went etc etc. I calmly pointed out that he was free to attend any church as a member of the public but the family hadn't indicated that he wash't expected and, indeed, had not even informed him of the person's death, he wasn't welcome there.

But apparently this is me being a control freak and an abuser. It is pathetic beyond belief it truly is. It is some kind of madness it really is. Yesterday he sent me a great long email with all that went wrong with the marriage, all his feelings and a lots of things about the household chores I didn't do or didn't do to his standards. He entitled the email "Notes for Your Solicitor". It is truly laughable, childish and embarrassing.

Embarrassing for me because I am more and more realising what a complete jerk my husband of 20 years is. Hopefully, the best revenge for all this spiteful treatment will be, as they say, a life well lived.

She is a dog!!

Get over yourself.

Sorry GobbyNorthernBird. She is a DOG. She looks rough, she sounds rough and she probably is rough. My daughter says she's a bit rough.

So I shall take her word for it. She has no agenda and says she wants Daddy to be with her because it makes him happy, but she still says she's a bit rough.

Poor girl says to me she feels obliged to like her because Daddy likes her so much but she just doesn't want to get involved really. Says its his life and not a life she needs to get caught up in.

Not that she'd ever tell her dad that. She hates to hurt his feelings.

I have quickly your posts op and I don't understand why you can't get away from this man and sell up your big marital home and go live somewhere else. I am confused. You daughter is nearly an adult, she can choose where to live. Why don't you hurry up and divorce him and start livin your own life?

About the car parking issue, I think you were being unreasonable. He is still living with you so can let his friend park in his drive.

OP I am not going to kick you while you are down, though I do think you are being partially U.

All I will say (as a child of a very bitter divorce) is walk away.

Sell the house and walk away from all of it.

If this carries on, whether your H is U or not, your children will resent you for dragging out the whole process.

I understand you are feeling angry and hurt, I hope the current situation can come to a amiable end for all involved.

She is a dog who should be grateful for any attention she gets? You get worse and worse, OP.

I have read a few threads very similar to this situation where the sexes were reversed and the husband moved out and the wife got a new boyfriend. Most people posted a totally different point of view than they have done on this thread.
Hmmm!

Interesting

I think he is deliberately trying to make your time in the marital home unpleasant so that you move back out. Its obviously become some kind of battleground between you (both your faults for what I can see) and his way of trying to 'win' the house is to make your time there unpleasant. That is why he sees leaving her car there and kissing her in front of you as OK. Its to try to make you leave.

Its a shame that the (amazing sounding) house is what you are both fighting over and using your daughter as a method to get. Surely it would be best for you both to sell it and move on to new places to make new memories in. As long as you both have a room for your daughter and are both close enough to her school, she doesn't have to 'pick' a side.

Instead of trying to make each other's lives miserable, why don't you concentrate on moving forward and making life for yourself and your daughter fun and enjoyable again. You're fighting a battle with him that isn't worth fighting over bricks and mortar.

Please do step back and see the bigger picture. Good luck to you with it all.

I think LlamaLover has it spot on.

Spend the time when he's away making positive steps to get you out of this situation. Get an estate agent to value the house. Investigate where you stand in terms of mortgage capacity. Get a solicitor.

I agree the answer is to get the house sold. But that takes time and the wrangling won't stop there, believe me.

It takes time to sell a house. It is a very distressing thing for anyone let alone a kid about to do GCSEs and is having new partners being introduced after just a few weeks of her parents splitting up. She needs some time of stability and peace which is what I give her. I have lived alone with her a lot throughout her life what with him working away from home. Also him working shifts which resulted in her not seeing him from Sunday through Friday quite often. Going away for long weekends several times a year. Having separate holidays from the family most years.

He wanted out of the marriage and has told me several times over the years and each time I have broken down and begged him to reconsider - which he has but then proceeded to make life miserable continually stating he wanted out of the marriage (in front of our DD I might add).

Do you have any idea what its like living with man child that is a manipulator? Do you have any idea what it feels like when, whether toxic or not, a 20 year old marriage ends? A home is not just a pile of bricks and mortar to a child. It is a place of sanctuary. It is a place of security and should be a place where a kid can feel safe and comfortable about what goes on in it and who is in it.

Yes I would like nothing more than for this man child to just leave me alone to get on with my life and not spend what spare time he has goading and trying to prove I'm not "all there" to my daughter.

Not a lot to ask is it?

Sadly yes I do have an idea of living with a 'man child manipulator' is like. My ex also cheated and had another life and love child I was unaware of for several years.

Lots of people on MN have suffered and dealt with the breakdown of marriages. They are trying to offer you the wisdom they wish they'd had at the time.

Get legal advice and move on and it will be a lot sooner that you and your daughter are happy.

Stay in the same mindset and keep fighting this dirty fight with an equally dirty fighter and it will not get any better, only worse. By the time your daughter has sat her GCSEs and is sitting her even more important A levels the 'warfare' would have got immesurarable worse.

Yes, he's acted like a shit, I don't think anyone has said otherwise. You can't change that. But you need to take action and get your life and your daughters life moving forward for both your sakes.

If my DP left me for another woman, I would probably call her a "dog" too I am sorry to say

immature, YES
human, YES!

The problem is, whether you can see it or not clearl;y some of your behaviour is alarming him too. For him to use the words "control freak" and "restraining order". I know you hate him, but in any situation its never black and white so its worth examining your own behaviour?

Sheesh its really hard OP

all Iam saying is whilst I think he is a complete cxxt, alot of this ios being done to rile you, and he is getting a result.

keep with the counselling, see a lawyer, be the BEST person you can be

and you are well rid OP xxx

I can see wrong on both sides.

You split with him (for good reasons by the sound of it) and he is now seeing someone else. He is entitled to see someone else, he doesn't have to become a monk just because you have split from him. I think you need to focus on why you are no longer together and realise that you are better off without him and that his new girlfriend is entitled to him. You were miserable when you were with him, so make yourself happy now, go out with your friends, enjoy flirting, have a fun single life.

Your daughter (did I read right that she is 16? If not then ignore this paragraph) is old enough to cook for herself some of the time and wash her own clothes, so the school saying she is being neglected is a bit off. Your daughter chose to stay with her dad and she is old enough to make that decision. It doesn't mean she prefers him, probably just means she feels settled in her home and doesn't want the upheaval of moving. She is probably also relieved that she doesn't have to witness daily arguments between the two of you.

Part of me thinks that the problem lies in the fact that your husband has started to move on with his life, has met somebody new and seems to be happy. You have to remember that you didn't want to be with him. You have nothing to be angry with his new partner about; she met a single guy and is now in a relationship with him. How would you feel if you met someone new and wanted to be in a relationship with them? How would you feel if your ex kept interfering and trying to control your new relationship by determining where you can go on holiday, where your new partner can park his car etc?

You are hurting because somebody you had built a life with is now moving on with his life with somebody else. At some point you will meet a new person too and will want to be happy with that person and I'm sure you will not want your ex poking his nose in, making snide remarks about your new man and making your life difficult.
I think your reactions are totally normal, but I think you need to try and overcome the feelings that you are experiencing as the new girlfriend is not the other woman; your husband did not have an affair.
I also think its unfair to be calling her a gold digger as you don't really know what their relationship is like. She might not even care about money.

Its so unreasonably insensitive on his part that I wonder if he's doing it deliberately to rile you, so that you will damage the car in frustration and he will then be able to complain about your unreasonable behaviour.

I can't really think of any advice other than, if the car does get parked there, show no reaction, but take photographs of it as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.