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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Or should somebody step in and say something?

266 replies

stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:06

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
badtime · 29/09/2013 13:02

I actually think you really need counselling. You can't even conceive of going against your parents wishes.

BigBoobiedBertha · 29/09/2013 13:02

There is always a danger that parents over-compensate for a condition. I know it is something I might be guilty of occasionally and actively try to avoid. It doesn't even have to be a SN that makes parents give more slack to one child than another. Is your sister the youngest, for example? They can sometimes get away with more too.

It becomes a vicious circle. Growing up, they could have made some allowances so that your sister comes to expect them even if she doesn't need them. If she doesn't get them it could cause her to kick off/tantrum or whatever. She is only 22 and if she does have some condition it may just be that she is very emotionally immature and is taking longer than some to get passed the teenage tantrum/stroppy stage. If she is never told this is wrong and it gets her her way she isn't likely to either. You have matured faster and without any other difficulties and so they expect more of you. It might not be fair that they aren't challenging your sister at all but that seems to be how it is in your house.

You know though, that the only thing you can change is yourself? You won't change your parents behaviour nor your sisters'. You are not responsible for your family's well being. Of course you shouldn't add to their stress and upset but nor should you put up with things to keep them happy at your own expense.

I know you are probably fed up with people telling you to move out and take ownership of your life but maybe you need to start thinking and planning for your future, not anybody else's. I don't think anybody expects you to move out tomorrow (they shouldn't) but think about it. Think about how much freer you will feel living your own life. Your parents might not like it but if you stay calm, don't argue with them, tell them what you are going to do and tell them that you don't want to upset them in anyway but you need to do it for your own sanity, I bet they will come round and you will have as good if not better relationship in the long run.

VanitasVanitatum · 29/09/2013 13:09

Op have you looked at help to buy equity loans? Government scheme, they provide the deposit, you pay it back when you move house, and there's no interest for five years. That way you pay no rent at all, only mortgage.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 13:12

She is the youngest, as well as having SN.

Also it is unfair to say I matured without any other difficulties as I did suffer from depression. No allowances were ever made for this when I was ill, the way that allowances are made for my sister.

She has also had depression, and far more allowances were made for this (her behaviour at the time was appalling)

OP posts:
friday16 · 29/09/2013 13:13

I think it's just because I know the unhappiness will just be temporary until I can afford to buy a place and move out.

Or until another reason arises that you can't move out. Your poor frail father. It will break your mother's heart. Your sister needs you. Why are you doing this to us?

friday16 · 29/09/2013 13:15

Every time I have rebelled, all that has happened is they make my life miserable.

Why would you need to see them, in order for them to make you miserable, if you had moved out?

You do not need to spend time with people you don't like. That includes your parents, your sister, anyway. If they, net, make you unhappy more than they make you happen, don't have contact with them.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 13:17

No, friday

My parents are very traditional in their views.

I am expected to stay at home and save until I can afford to buy, then I am expected to move out. My parents are planning to downsize eventually (not sure what they will do about my sister if she doesn't get a job/ get married and can't afford to buy)

They definitely do not want me staying at home permanently (although they don't want me moving more than an hour away (or less than an hour away but to the "wrong" place)

OP posts:
badtime · 29/09/2013 13:23

You keep saying what you are expected to do. What do you want to do?

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 13:24

I have looked at home equity loans, but I can't find any new builds in the area I want to buy. I'm not really sure how to look though.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 13:26

It's easier to go along with what they want until I move out

Then do that. Why try to change what they allowed your sister to do yesterday? It didn't affect you and only caused problems. If you are going to be meek & compliant for an easy life - then be meek & compliant.

I think that renting is expensive, and would take a large proportion of my salary. However it would also give me a chance to be independent, which is important to me

Thank god for that - at least you can see that. It's a start.

What I think would be the best solution for me would be a part-buy part-rent scheme, because it would mean I could afford the deposit, mortgage and rent, but much sooner than if I were to save to buy. Also it would mean that I would actually own some property, so it wouldn't feel like all my money was going down the drain

Yes - a good solution. How far away from being able to do that are you?

they don't want me moving more than an hour away (or less than an hour away but to the "wrong" place

Jesus christ on a bike, they are controlling. I think you should look at moving to where YOU want to live, wherever the hell that is. Someone needs to tell them that they had children, not puppets.

friday16 · 29/09/2013 13:26

OP, why do your parents expectations and desires matter to you? You're an adult. You have an income. Move out. Stuff like although they don't want me moving more than an hour away is just controlling.

I'm assume that they are Indian or Pakistani in origin?

Dwinhofficoffi · 29/09/2013 13:30

How old are you OP?
You seem a but jealous of your sister.
If your sister has AS then having a boyfriend will be a BIG thing for her. It is obviously something your parents are happy about. I suggest you try and do the same.
You say your parents have traditional values etc well in the end it is your life not theirs and if you want to go out and rent somewhere then that is what you have to do.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 13:31

No, friday, we are Jewish, but a similar family orientated culture.

OP posts:
Dwinhofficoffi · 29/09/2013 13:31

Or do as you want and look at the rent to buy scheme.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 13:41

I've looked up the numbers, and I could probably afford a rent to buy place, plus all the relevant furniture etc in about a years time.

Or maybe I'm just being optimistic or have my maths wrong.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 29/09/2013 13:41

OP, I think you are making excuses for yourself. There are options out there for you if you're willing to take the leap. I appreciate it's difficult to move out when your parents don't agree with renting but you're an adult and it's your life. How long are you going to continue living your life for them? Until you become your own person, you won't be happy. You're focusing on your sister but IMO, the problem is your controlling parents. Have you considered counselling?

I have an 'opinionated' Jewish family too and I spent many years being so very unhappy as I tried to please everybody except for myself. At 25, I'm finally becoming the person I want to be. I wish I'd done it sooner.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 13:43

This is your life. You need to live it now, not in the future.

PeppiNephrine · 29/09/2013 13:44

You're not answering any but the easiest things people are asking. Just go along with everything your parents want, you seem to have no inclination to do anything different, so just go ahead and be unhappy.
Its no wonder you are so over-involved in your sisters life when you are ignoring your own entirely.

friday16 · 29/09/2013 13:46

we are Jewish, but a similar family orientated culture.

I was having dinner on Friday with someone who's still recovering from that. He had to tell them very clearly that he was living his life, and there was a lot of fall out. In the end, his parents and he reconciled, once he made it clear that he just didn't care what his aunt's neighbours (or whatever) thought. But it took him making it clear that it was his life, not theirs.

shewhowines · 29/09/2013 13:54

At least you have a plan to work towards and perhaps a year isn't too long to wait, however, what if it is longer if house prices rise etc?

Only you can make the decisions, as you are the one living your life. I hope this thread has clarified your thoughts.

IMO you need to back off your sister. What her relationship with your parents is like is their business. Refuse to allow the unfairness of it all to stop you moving forward.
Your parents are controlling and this is your real problem.
You need independence sooner rather than later.
You need to formulate a plan to achieve this and include what if, options.

Do what you need to. You are only young once and you don't want to look back and regret your decisions as the poster above does.

Be brave and independent.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 14:02

If there's a suitable rent-to-buy place in the right area that you could afford in a year, then that's a good plan to work towards. But you need to back off your sister; the issue isn't that your parents are controlling her too little but that they are controlling you too much, and that's not her fault.

hardboiledpossum · 29/09/2013 14:33

You don't need to wait until you can buy lots of expensive furniture. You can get the basics of freecycle and then add to it later.

youarewinning · 29/09/2013 14:37

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 29-Sep-13 10:34:01

OP I do understand, I have a DS with ASD. The difference between us is that I 'get' my DS. I understand completely why he acts the way he does. I love him and accept him.

Yes! Since I have stopped expecting my DS to behave and manage to complete tasks as his peers do and treat him more like a 5/6 year old (he's 9!!!) he's far less anxious and things are great.

op you can teach/ encourage people who have an ASD strategies to cope, but ASD will always be a part of who they are and what makes them their own unique person, like you are your own unique person. However people who have an ASD or similar traits often do not experience and do not form the relationships with others, or long term feelings about others that an nt person may. However that does not mean she won't have BF's etc but if/when she does she may not be able to deal with all the family time and time with him on top - if she can only manage 2/3 hours of social contact a day she may have to split it between her priorities.
Now about your parents............... please don't blame your sister for their behaviour. You cannot control having SN, people choose to be rude and controlling arses.

Asheth · 29/09/2013 14:52

Op buying your own place sounds great but are you sure it will give you the independence you want? If it has to be a place in a location that meet your parents expectation then you may find it becomes an extension of your current life.

Take a bit of time to think about your own expectations. In a few years time you might want to go for a job at the other end of the country or even abroad.

Renting and putting off buying a house for a bit won't ruin your life. Doing everything according to your parents expectations might.

Mindmaps · 29/09/2013 14:55

I remember another thread you had op just before you started the job and everyone said move out or go an house share like a normal adult. Same advice being given here and you still want the rules to change to suit your world view.

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