Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

The op is 24 IsIt

But based on all your posts here (not just on this thread) you sound pretty unhappy, and you're not being treated like an adult (maybe you're not unhappy; maybe you're delirious with joy most of the time and we just get the occasional snapshots of bad stuff, but we can only judge on what you tell us).

Does it really make more sense to live your life like that for years and years and save for a deposit, rather than than be more independent but have to wait for a pay rise before you can save anything much?

Fair enough if you think so, but then quit pretending to yourself that your sister is the problem.

You also seem more interested in making your parents happy than in making yourself happy.

I didn't realise that there was another sister living at home (other than the one with SN). How do your parents treat your other sister?

Honestly, best way to keep the parents happy is just to do as they wish

It is your life - make yourself happy. They have their own lives to make their own decisions to make their own lives happy.

Makes my life far easier

Well, clearly it doesn't.

Why do you care if your parents say you made a mistake? You will know better. You will k ow it is the best decision you ever made.

Why do you need to keep your parents happy?

*know

I never actually said in my OP that my sister was the problem.

My actual issue was that my parents did not expect from her what they expect of everyone else.

And whilst there are some things that she will never be able to do, and we would not expect her to, seeing family for a couple of hours is something she is capable of. Different people with different SNs may have difficulties, or be unable to do this at all. But my sisters particular needs do not affect her ability to sit with family and chat. My parents allowing her to leave was not a "coping strategy" as many of you have suggested. I think it is just that they are so used to allowing her to do as she wants, they didn't have a problem with it.

Why is the most important thing in your life to keep your parents happy? Especially as you are unhappy?
You sound self invested in your unhappiness in some way and unwilling to change or is it that you are brain washed by your parents?

There's a reason why young adults leave home. Even in the happiest and harmonious of households, they need to spread their wings and live independently. That's normal.
Your setup doesn't sound happy, harmonious or remotely healthy. It could even start to affect your own mental health, if it hasn't already.

Be kind to yourself, and start putting your own needs first. If that means renting, then do it.

My other sister gets on fine, because she does exactly what they say.

I don't know if this is just because she happens to have identical views to them, or because she knows there is no point in saying anything whenthere is nothing she can do about it.

My parents allowed us to do our degrees at home, but to come home to do a postgrad. My sister went along with this without complaint, and my parents provided her with all the practical, financial and emotional support she needed. I however wanted to stay away from home to do my postgrad, parents withdrew all support, making it a lot harder for me than for my sister.

I think I have more trouble because I am more independently minded than her.

I think it would be better if you stopped focussing on your sister. Your problem is that your parents are very controlling. This comes out in different ways towards their different children - you feel that they infantilise your sister with SN, but they use emotional blackmail, ridicule etc. to control your behaviour and even your opinions.

Stressed I know that you think we are missing the point and going off subject but we are looking at the bigger picture.

Badtime, they don't, and never will, control my opinions.

They may control what I pretend my opinions to be, but never what they actually are.

When I was young and at uni, I was soooooo in love with my boyfriend I travelled for about 6 hours to see him for 2 hours and then 6 hours home. It was so intense I would fizz just knowing he was in the same county as me.

There is no way I would've hung around with a random long lost cousin knowing that he was 5 mins away. Young love is very strong!

it's a shame he was shagging his way round the students unions behind my back

accidental, I think it's just because I know the unhappiness will just be temporary until I can afford to buy a place and move out.

I think you would do well to have this thread moved to 'Relationships'. There are people there who can tell you about 'the golden child' and 'the scapegoat', and you might want to read the 'Stately Homes' threads.

I'm afraid this all seems like a variation on the Woody Allen gag in which two old ladies complain that not only is the food terrible, but the portions are too small.

OP, either you make your own life better, or you continue giving your parents what they want. Those are your choices. Your parents are controlling you. Your sister is a side issue. Either leave, and accept that your parents might not like it, or stay, and (essentially) stfu. They won't change. You can.

stressed, then why are you so fixated on buying? Why do you care what they think?

Part of you is trying to break out, but part of you is trying to do what they want.

Yes, those things were suggested last time too badtime.

So, if your parents don't control your opinions - what is your opinion on renting, to save your sanity?

Because if I do what they want, they'll leave me alone.

Every time I have rebelled, all that has happened is they make my life miserable. It's easier to go along with what they want until I move out.

I think that renting is expensive, and would take a large proportion of my salary. However it would also give me a chance to be independent, which is important to me.

What I think would be the best solution for me would be a part-buy part-rent scheme, because it would mean I could afford the deposit, mortgage and rent, but much sooner than if I were to save to buy. Also it would mean that I would actually own some property, so it wouldn't feel like all my money was going down the drain.

You haven't seen her for 15yrs. Your sister was 7 when she last saw her, so she may not have anything in common with her at all.

I don't see why you mind if no one else does!

You didn't say in your OP that your sister was the problem, no, but you keep starting threads about her. You seem to think think that your parents should expect more from her (and that given they don't you should step in), but most posters here seem to think that your parents should expect less from the rest of you. They appear to be micromanaging your life, and (probably as a result) you keep wondering whether you should be micromanaging your sister's life.

You sound as though you are planning to spend the next 5-10 years being driven up the wall by your sister and your parents, not being allowed to make your own decisions, pretending to be a completely different person -- but that's OK because you'll be saving for a deposit on a house. Not a house you actually want to buy yourself, mind you, but a house that your parents want you to buy. You're throwing away the one chunk of your life when you're young and don't have to be responsible for anyone apart from yourself, and it's far from clear that you're getting anything worthwhile out of the deal. It sure as heck doesn't seem to be making you happy.

You need to grow up and get a life. You can't change your parents or your sister, you can only change yourself. You are an adult so act like one and stop being so dependant on your parents, it isny healthy!