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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Or should somebody step in and say something?

266 replies

stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:06

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 29/09/2013 11:39

"In a situation like the one described in the OP, I probably would make him stay for the whole visit and see his girlfriend afterwards because that is what I would expect from DS2 who is NT.

This is what I wanted, and stated in the OP, but I was told I was being unreasonable by 99% of posters."

YABU though, in that she's your sister not your child...you don't get to decide what she does.

You can't change your sister, you can't change what your parents are doing...the only thing you can change is your own situation. You say you can't physically remove yourself, so you need to find a way to do it mentally/emotionally. It's not a good situation where you're getting upset over something that isn't your decision to make.

I know that you're in that position because of how your parents deal with you and your sister, but it's not good for you and you really do need to get some help to sort it out.

Norudeshitrequired · 29/09/2013 11:39

She isn't someone who gets anxious/ upset after being in large groups of people for a while (as some people with aspergers may do)

But you don't know that for sure. You can only presume that. She could look like she is coping but actually be very stressed. The fact that you said she says the wrong things in social situations and is socially awkward tends to suggest that she struggles with it more than you realise.
I think you are so caught up in being angry with you're parents expectations that you are deflecting onto your sister and blaming her for things that might be beyond her control.

There is ALWAYS the option of leaving. it might not be easy and might leave your parents resenting you, but it might be best for you. Having you living there is causing tension between you all so leaving might be best for everyone and might help you all to get on better.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 11:40

I know the renting options seems very simple to most of you.

But if you spent over 20 years of your life being told renting was a waste of money and you mustn't ever rent, would a couple of people saying its normal and everyone does it really change your mind?

OP posts:

PeppiNephrine · 29/09/2013 11:43

no, seeing the world do it happily would mean I wouldn't have listened in the first place.
Seriously, you really need to find a mind of your own. It sounds like all of your opinions are from your parents.

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 11:43

The most likely scenario I see is that she will leave uni (I don't know if she will graduate, last year she failed and is resitting) and sit around doing nothing, and that my parents will let her do this

Yep, that is the sad but inevitable reality for some people with LDs.

You really don't seem to get that this isn't because she is lazy or because your parents enable her.

It is sadly just how it is for some people.

Jinsei · 29/09/2013 11:44

OP, in the nicest possible way, stop focussing on your sister. You are not responsible for her, and if she sits around on her arse after finishing university, that needn't be your concern.

Your focus needs to be on you. What do you want? You are responsible for your own life, and you need to take back some control.

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 11:44

Renting IS the simple option.

millions of people do it. It IS normal.

Norudeshitrequired · 29/09/2013 11:45

If I were to rent, I do it alone, with no practical or financial support. If I were to have a problem e.g. ceiling collapsed and I needed somewhere to stay whilst it got fixed, my parents would not provide any support whatsoever.

Lots of people do it alone without any help from their parents. It isn't impossible.
It sounds like you are fearful of doing it alone, but perhaps that is exactly what you need to do.
You need to stop making excuses and putting barriers in your own way and look towards making things possible. The only way you will feel free of the burdened situation that you are currently in is to stand on your own two feet and make things better for yourself.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 11:45

No, a couple of people saying 'it's normal' wouldn't change my mind about anything.

However, lots of people saying it would certainly make me think twice about it and, you know, actually living in the real world where at least half the people rent their homes would indicate that it's a perfectly normal way to live.

The majority of people think it's better to buy than rent and I agree with them, BUT most of us rent until we can afford to buy. I did.

Renting is far preferable to living the way you do. It might take you longer to be in a position to buy, but so what? At least you would be happy while doing it instead of living this miserable life you are currently.

BigBoobiedBertha · 29/09/2013 11:45

I had that same pressure and I regretted not renting in the end. I wish I didn't go back home after university because I either had to buy or live with my parents. The housing market going mad at the time so although I planned to buy I couldn't. Unfortunately, the only job offered to me was in my home town (I actually applied to a branch of the firm well away from my parents house too) so I had no choice, I thought.

I know it is very hard to learn from somebody else's mistakes but believe me, moving out would have been preferable even to rented accommodation which my parents disapproved of.

shewhowines · 29/09/2013 11:51

You don't have to rent a whole house. Flat share. It's time to be independent. Your parents may accept it after a while.

The alternative is to stay with your parents until you marry? You sound so unhappy, there is a danger that you will marry someone unsuitable, just to get away.

Otherwise, you are going to have to accept that you live with your parents controlling both yours and your sisters lives, until you have to take over your sisters. Is this what you really want? You sound unhappy now, and it's likely frustration and resentment will eat away at you even more, as time passes.

Striking out on your own is scary, but look at the alternative. You may have to be brave and risk upsetting your parents. I bet they will accept it after a while though.

LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 11:53

Op I think you need to try and seam some counselling to help you recognise that you can move out. Even if this meant renting. There are plenty of places now that are part or fully furnished that you could rent. This would at least remove you from the control your parents have over you. You need to find a way of taking control of your life. Do you have case friends in RL that you can talk to? Or are you isolated at home with your parents?

I really feel for you because of the control your parents have. Unfortunately you are focusing your frustrations and anger on your sister which in itself is unfair on her.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 12:01

OP, your problem is with your parents. You must be at least mid-20s and you sound as though you have a job; you are perfectly capable of renting somewhere without family support. You accept yourself that the reason you "can't" do it is because you're carrying around twenty years of emotional baggage from your parents. So deal with that. Or don't deal with it, your choice. But right now you are dressing everything up as being about your sister, when that's actually a very small part of the whole situation.

friday16 · 29/09/2013 12:01

The alternative is to stay with your parents until you marry?

And who would decide who you marry, OP? It sounds like your parents wouldn't be exactly uninvolved.

hardboiledpossum · 29/09/2013 12:02

You sound really young. You desperately need to get out of that house and get some independence. Go on gumtree and find a flat share, now! You are wasting your life being miserable. You don't get another chance at life so make the most of yours. Stop focusing on your sister and focus on you. What do you want from life? Would you like to travel?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 12:12

The OP is 24/25.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 12:16

I'm 24.

I've just started a new job, literally a few weeks ago.

It's well paid, but it will still be a while before I can afford to buy.

I've also worked out that the amount of money I can put away each month is pretty much the same as I'd spend on rent/food/bills etc (I live in an expensive area and can't move due to new job) so it does make more sense to save.

I could rent for years and save hardly anything.

OP posts:

hardboiledpossum · 29/09/2013 12:22

But yo

edam · 29/09/2013 12:25

stressed - renting is the answer if you need to get away from your parents. So what if they don't think renting is a good idea, or you wouldn't be able to save - it's the price of your independence.

hardboiledpossum · 29/09/2013 12:26

Sorry about that.

Is it really worth being miserable for your 20s so you can buy a house? In time you will earn more and you can use the money from promotions to save.

What you are doing doesn't make sense.

IsItMeOr · 29/09/2013 12:26

What age are you OP? If you're over 18, I don't understand why you can't move out whatever your parents think?

Is it that you fear that your parents will cut you off from the family if you move out?

badtime · 29/09/2013 12:29

Buying is not the be-all and end-all.

Rent a place. You will be happier. You will be able to live your own life. I would choose that over owning my own flat any day.

MNHQ

OliviaMMumsnet · 29/09/2013 12:29

OP do let us know if youd like us to move this thread out of AIBU.

caramelwaffle · 29/09/2013 12:33

Rent a place for independence Moving out of the family home and saving money.

You can move out and be independent. The choice is yours.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 12:33

If I rent, they will constantly refer to it as my mistake

e.g. if my other sister buys in a few years time (she is living at home and saving) they will tell me how I could be doing the same if I had followed their advice, and that I made the wrong choice and as a result she owns property and I don't.

Honestly, best way to keep the parents happy is just to do as they wish.

Makes my life far easier.

OP posts:

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