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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

154 replies

skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:12

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

OP posts:
Pollydon · 22/09/2013 13:15

Why not have Xmas at home just the 2 of you Hmm?

Kemmo · 22/09/2013 13:16

Have DH's parents actually invited you?

whois · 22/09/2013 13:18

What does DP think? Does he want to go to his parents? Sounds shit tbh.

Do you and DP desperately want to spend Christmas Day together? If probably suggest going to your parents, he can nip up on the train for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and Boxing Day to his unwelcoming parents to do his duty then return to your fun house.

That's as long as be sees the situation as you do tho!

Yama · 22/09/2013 13:18

I think you should go with dh's plan.

Justforlaughs · 22/09/2013 13:19

Could his parents come to you?
If not, then I think I would stay at home (well, I would if I wanted to be diplomatic, but realistically I'd go to my parents)
I would not spend Christmas apart from my DH for anyone. (not out of choice anyway)

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:19

I think it would be a bit lonely for us, to be honest. We don't get to see our families v much, and coming home for Christmas has always been a really big deal for me. My family have lots of regular traditions which I like to be a part of.

At some point I would like to start establishing our own Christmas traditions, but that is likely to be after we have DC, if that happens.

I had thought that if we do as I suggest this year, next year we could invite PIL to come over to us. Although I suspect that will never happen, as neither of them have ever left the country. But at least the offer will have been made.

OP posts:
Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:21

I don't understand why you can't stay in PIL house? Is it because you won't stay in a box room or because they don't want you?

Also, if SIL had had a baby, why couldn't you have made your own cup of tea? Or why couldn't BIL make a cuppa?

You should just do what DH suggests. Because otherwise you're excluding your DH family from Christmas with either of you, and that's a bit mean.

Editededition · 22/09/2013 13:22

You don't mention if there is any pressure from the PILs, for you to be there at Christmas?

I think you need to make sure you and DH work through the concept of spending Christmas apart, and make sure he knows that you consider it a complete no-no (as would most people I think).
Thats your baseline.

After that - if PILs were happy with last years arrangement, then talk that through with DH. Why put yourself through a hard time, if it won't give them any angst either way?
Confirm that he doesn't really like being there either? (or so it sounds)
and if so, you should go to your parents for Christmas and travel to his parents on the 27th - staying for just one night, in an hotel (assuming that one night only would be affordable).
If you have visited, then the pressure should be off about length of time you stay .....particularly as you say they are not hospitable anyway.

The only other alternative (long term) is to host at your house, and have the PIls to stay.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:22

Oh, lots of x-posts.

No, PIL haven't actually invited us. I have suggested that they come to us this year, but DH says that won't happen: neither of them have left the country, they have never flown (although they could get a ferry), MIL has had a period of ill-health, and understandably I think they would want to be around for their grandchild's first Christmas. With plenty of notice (at least 6 months), it's possible that they might come next year.

DH doesn't actively want to go to his parents', but feels that he probably should.

OP posts:
Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:24

I was in a marriage where we HAD to go to my PIL every year and spend Christmas doing their sort of Christmas. I hated it.

Just saying. It's hard, but can't you do a year with yours, a year with his, a year on your own?

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:25

No, Johnny, SIL's baby is only just born. That all happened last year, before she was even pregnant. Neither she nor BIL budged at any stage, simply sat on the sofa watching whatever crappy tv programme was on. I was Shock - there is no way I would ever treat a guest in my home like that.

The boxroom has a single bed, and there is no space even for a single airmattress on the floor.

OP posts:
sweetestcup · 22/09/2013 13:26

I find that quite sad your DH doesn't want to go to his own parents but feels he should, doesn't he have a good relationship with them?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:26

I think both of you should go to your parents if that's what you want to do.

DrDance · 22/09/2013 13:27

Your DP wants to go to his parents, it's only fair he goes.

If I were you I'd go together, ok it's going to be crap and not as fun as with your parents but that's part of being a partnership sometimes.

If you go to your parents and him to his, his parents might want/expect this each year rather than turns about?

Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:27

Is SIL DH's sister? Did her and her husband want you to visit, or was it the duty "come and visit" because you're abroad?

Just, it's horrible to have an expectation of a "royal visit" imposed on you when a sister/brother comes from abroad and you don't really have anything in common with them.

Not that I'm unsympathetic, I do understand why it's an issue, I'm just trying to see the other side of the coin.

Editededition · 22/09/2013 13:29

Then its time to manage how you both feel about the "I should's" in your life, now you are married Smile

If his parents are not that bothered (which they obviously aren't) and he will see them over the Christmas week, then does that not fulfil his "I should ..." remit?

I do think you need to accept that your own "I should's" need to include graciously playing at happy family for 48 hours in the boxroom, with lack of tea, even if it isn't what you are used to, OP.
That is the trade off for your DH accepting the big family traditional stuff, at your family home.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:31

SIL is DH's sister, yes. They offered to put us up when we were visiting for 2 nights between Christmas and New Year, as there was no space in his parents' house. They literally just provided a bed to sleep in. I'm not precious, and certainly don't expect to be waited on hand and foot I spend most of the time in my PIL's house either cooking or clearing up but I was really taken aback at the complete lack of interest and lack of good manners that were displayed by SIL and BIL. We went out and about during the days, so we weren't expecting them to devote all their time to us. But common courtesy was certainly missing.

OP posts:
Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:32

What Editededition said. You should really suck it up.

I get the feeling you don't like them much and you're judging their Christmas against your family Christmas and finding them wanting. And like it or not that attitude will seep out and be noticed.

Sorry.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:34

That's a good point, Edited. I should add that DH loves my family, loves spending time there, and he has said that they are the family he never had. It's all quite sad, really. I would have loved to have had in-laws that I felt connected to. It's sad to think that any DC we might have are unlikely to have a good relationship with that side. I grew up exceptionally close to cousins on both paternal and maternal sides.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/09/2013 13:35

If they have any interest in seeing family at all, this Christmas the PILs focus will be on their dd and grandchild.

Suggest to DP that you do Xmas with PILS when you can afford a hotel. Have Xmas with your family and do a day trip by train or stay overnight in a Travelodge to see the baby in between Xmas and NY.

flowery · 22/09/2013 13:36

Your DH surely needs to have a conversation with his parents: "Skyler and I have been talking about Christmas. We were at her parents last year and I wondered if you had any thoughts about what you'd like to do this year?"

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:36

Since they haven't invited you, would probably refuse to come to you and a visit them sounds grim I would go to your parents. I don't see why you have to 'suck up' anything.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:40

Yes, I think this Christmas will be focused on their dd and granddaughter. And that's entirely as it should be. A new baby is a great thing, and

I suspect that if DH broaches Christmas with his mother, she will invite us. So I would rather he avoid that conversation until we have decided what we are doing. I don't want to suck anything up either. I am perfectly happy to welcome ILs to our home, but being in their house for 24 hours is enough to make me want to claw my eyes out.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 22/09/2013 13:44

I'm looking at going away at Christmas and the travelodges are cheap at the moment. Could you fly into wherever your PILs are, spend a night in a travelodge, drive down to your parents for christmas itself and stay there, then back up to the PILs/ travelodge before flying home?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:45

I think both of you know what you want to do and what would make the time happy for you.