Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

154 replies

skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:12

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

OP posts:
Bedtime1 · 22/09/2013 18:04

"He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this. " - that's it in a nutshell

amicissimma · 22/09/2013 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 18:08

Bedtime where did I bring in anything relevant to spelling or grammar? I didn't so please keep to the point - if you can.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 18:08

I think there may be a slight cultural issue at play, and some of us have a slightly keener understanding of the Mammy Guilt Trip at work here Grin

The ILs don't enjoy hosting guests. The DH will have far more craic at Skyler's.

How long is the trip from house to house? Are there any of those tiny airports nearby, flights to them can be cheap enough (er, I think...)

Bedtime1 · 22/09/2013 18:10

"DH has said that he finds Christmases at his parents' house v difficult, incredibly dull, and a strain to get through. So he often takes himself off to his old room for a few hours to read, just to get a break. He also has said how much he enjoyed last Christmas, with lots going on, people coming and going, and a sociable and fun atmosphere. He also told me that his father doesn't even bother getting up on Christmas morning to open presents with the rest of the family ."
Skyler so would you say it is a sense of duty which is why he wants to go? Or even after what you have described he loves them and wants to be with them wether it's like this or not?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 18:13

I know that for me half the thing about going home is not just seeing family but also all the friends who are fellow emigrants (4 out of my 5 best schoolfriends Sad) who will only be back at Christmas.

I really don't think that both of them staying in a new city celebrating alone is a sensible compromise. Neither of them want that! They want to enjoy themselves!

Maryz · 22/09/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 18:14

It's a Catch-22: I don't want us to spend Christmas apart, DH doesn't want me to be miserable as well as him at his parents' house, and he feels he should go to his parents as he thinks MIL will be upset if he's not there 2 years in a row.

Spot on HoldMeCloser. The trip from house to house is 5 hours - it's the full length of the country. None of the small airports nearby, unfortunately. It's going to cost about £300 for us to get home I'd say.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bedtime1 · 22/09/2013 18:16

Ilovesooty - ditto please leave the dictionary out of it thank you.

Anyway I do understand the guilt trip of mummy dearest perhaps this is the case here however I know how that feels and it is a strong pull . But then again even if you dont have dysfunctional parents I think there's still a strong sense of wanting to spend it with our own families.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 18:17

Bedtime Skyler so would you say it is a sense of duty which is why he wants to go? Or even after what you have described he loves them and wants to be with them wether it's like this or not?

DH feels he should go because he thinks it'll be expected, that since we spent last Christmas with my family, we should spend this Christmas with his. He doesn't actively want to be with them over Christmas. He finds any visits to his parents something of a strain, and I wouldn't say that he wants to spend time with them in the way that I want to spend time with my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 18:18

Yep, Maryz, different cultural backgrounds at play here too.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 18:19

I mentioned the dictionary as your definition of common words seems so peculiar. It obviously affects your understanding of the issue as skyler demonstrates in her last post.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 18:25

skyler he won't know whether it's expected unless he or they raise the issue but unless they want you there and can be remotely hospitable it's quite understandable that neither of you want to go. They have a daughter and new grandchild five minutes away.
In this case I think any expectations are a load of tosh and just set up for trouble.
I'm with Maryz All this rigid obsession with turns is just weird.

Shelby2010 · 22/09/2013 18:30

It may be that your PIL aren't that bothered about you being there on Christmas day.

Why don't you just do the same as last year, your parents for Christmas & in laws for a few days afterwards. You can use the reason that you dont want to impose on SIL while she has a new baby, and hotels are too expensive actually on Christmas Eve/Day.

See if you can set that as 'your' tradition! Suggest it to MIL before you speak to your parents to give you a chance for a re-think if she is really upset.

amicissimma · 22/09/2013 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tobiasfunke · 22/09/2013 18:39

I feel for you Op. I have been married for 16 years and basically until Ds was born we did the time about Christmas thing with PIL and my mother. Every single one at PIL's has been tortuous and boring as fuck. If SIL is involved it is just downright poisonous. Thing is DH felt the guilt and we went. It seemed only fair. It didn't kill us. It kept the peace and we enjoyed ourselves before and aftewards.
I think it will look really odd that you don't go to them and could cause problems.
I could've found a million reasons why I couldn't go but I didn't. Well I did but I went anyway. Seemed mean to make DH go on his own.
I would be tempted to hook or by crook do both families over the festive period.

bootsycollins · 22/09/2013 18:47

Are you sure that the pil's actually give a shit skyler?. If they really are that torturous I'd start a new tradition of the annual visit being at Easter and Christmas at your parents house.
I wouldn't be desperate or guilt tripped out of a sense of duty to spend Christmas sleeping on the floor and being ignored by the pil's in a frosty, stress inducing atmosphere played out to a background of shit tv. Especially when you know a really fun Christmas is practically guaranteed at your parents with good food and drink, plenty of socialising with visitors and all the special traditions.

SaucyJack · 22/09/2013 18:51

No I'm not reading a different thread Maryz

It's just that where I come from, inviting yourself to someone's house, moaning for months on end that they haven't laid on enough pomp and ceremony for you AND acting like you're doing them a favour in the proc
ess would be considered pretty fricking rude. (!)

OP- they don't want to come to you and they're not going to voluntarily invite you to theirs and none of you want a duty visit.

What are you even arguing about?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 22/09/2013 18:53

I'm another to agree with the idea of breaking with (or not creating) turn and turn about traditions.

I really wouldnt start down the road of making family visits a painful obligation. It doesnt sound like DH's parents make a lot of Christmas so perhaps it just doesnt matter that much to them?

The PiL may rediscover their Christmas fun through their GD but until then I would leave them to it.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 18:57

Again, SaucyJack your abuse is unwarranted. Where have I moaned that they haven't laid on enough pomp and ceremony? I genuinely am confused as to where you are getting this from. Unless you are just trying to have a go at me for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 19:07

Anyway, update. DH and I have had a chat. We've agreed that a joint Christmas at his parents would be difficult for both of us, and that PIL will have enough excitement this year with the new grandchild. We're going to invite them to spend next Christmas with us, will buy them their flights, and will invite my parents to come over for the New Year. Although we won't be advertising this until next summer, in case anything changes between this and then. And this Christmas we will go to my parents, and visit PIL for a couple of days in the post-Christmas period, booking into a hotel. Hope this won't go down too badly.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 19:11

Great solution!

claudedebussy · 22/09/2013 19:14

perfect!

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 19:15

Thanks HoldMeCloser. Living abroad makes everything more difficult, I think, as we have to try and cram in as much as possible to our increasingly rare trips home. Someone suggested upthread making Easter the tradition for PIL, that might be a good idea, although they aren't religious.

I should have said that I hope it won't go down too badly with MIL and Mumsnet...

OP posts: