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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

154 replies

skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:12

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 15:11

And if husband is no 1 he seemingly would have a happier time at her parents, from what she says.

Maryz · 22/09/2013 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 15:19

'Time to accept I am a wife above a daughter'. Er, ok. I'm neither my husband's nor my parents' property though. I like visit

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 15:23

Stupid phone. I have spent Christmas at home because I rarely see my family. The time will come when we are ready to spend Christmas in our own house, but that time hasn't come yet. Besides, we've just moved to a new city and don't have many friends here yet.

I'd be happy to sleep on the floor in the sitting room - have slept on the floor in my parents' house plenty of times - but FIL likes to stay up till 2 or 3 am watching tv and sleeps in until the afternoon.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 22/09/2013 15:29

Why are you not ready to spend Christmas in your own home yet? Irrelevant you don't have friends there, you could spend the day alone, together Confused.

Maryz · 22/09/2013 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 16:00

We don't get a chance to see family and friends from home much, MissStrawberry. We both work FT, in demanding jobs. We both enjoy going back to our home country for Christmas. Maybe it's an emigrant thing, I dunno. I suspect out feelings about it might change if we have DC of our own, but for now it's how we both feel. Do I really have to justify it that much?

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 22/09/2013 16:10

Of course you don't have to justify anything. I just read it as you weren' ready as in able to be alone at Christmas.

hermioneweasley · 22/09/2013 16:12

It seems straightforward to me

  • there isn't room at PILs for you as a couple and you can't afford a hotel
  • there might be room at SILs but she us not very hospitable and has a new baby
  • you haven't been invited to stay with PIL or SIL
  • you have been invited to stay with your parents who have room and you enjoy being around.

If you feel you "ought" to see the PILs, would budget stretch to one night in a hotel to see them and SIL?

StuntGirl · 22/09/2013 16:47

You are coming across as very judgemental I think OP. Ok so his family do things differently to you - so do every family. Due to circumstances a few years ago I ended up spending every Christmas at a different relatives house. Although all recognisibly Christmas the diferent traditions and ways of doing things made each one alien to the other. None are 'better' or 'worse', just how each family likes it.

I think given your husband is so keen to go home even if it means spending Christmas apart from you (duty bound or not), it would be a nice gesture to your husband to suck it up once a year and see his parents. You can do 'your' superior family Christmas the following year.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 16:53

DH is not 'so keen' to go home, StuntGirl. Quite the opposite. He feels it a burden. I've said that a few times.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 16:59

The OP's IL's have not invited her and her husband
Neither of them want to go
There are no sleeping arrangements and they have, moreover, never slept there
Her ILs are not so much tedious as inhospitable
They could come to the OP but apparently wouldn't
They have a nearer daughter and new grandchild
The OP's parents would be happy to have them and both she and he husband would rather go there.

I don't see the problem here and don't see why the OP is being told to "suck it up".

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 17:00

Maryz that makes two of us who are baffled.

Bedtime1 · 22/09/2013 17:12

Your Husband wants to go home that's why he said lets have Christmas separately. Even if he's not that keen to see his parents thats what he feels he wants to do. You had Christmas with yours last year so it's really his turn to decide this year. Your married now not single and that's about compromise.
When kids come along then things will change and you'll probably have your own at home then see parents on different days over Christmas period.

I can see why you have good memories from childhood and feel its warm and hospitable at your parents and why you want to go to yours but your not single and marriage again is a compromise.

I see it that there's only two options 1) have Christmas day separately or 2) book cheap accommodation. I think your making excuses for that if it's just the odd day and go to his parents. That way you might not be as miserable at his parents . I wouldn't like staying in the home and also if your quite grumpy it's hard for your husband. I think youd feel less grumpy if you had your own space. Then it's about taking on an attitude that you won't ruin it for your husband.

Christmas day is only one day there other days that you can spend with your parents.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 17:17

BedtimeHow on earth are you better placed to know what he was to and why he said what he said than his own wife? She has repeatedly said he doesn't want to go but feels he ought to - though he doesn't want the OP to have a rotten time as well

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 17:18

Sorry that should read 'better placed to know what he wants to do'

StuntGirl · 22/09/2013 17:19

Because he's going to go regardless. I don't mean keen as in he's dyng to go and can't wait, but he is clearly going to go anyway (like I specifically said, duty bound), even if it means leaving his wife behind.

It's not like they're spitting in your food and hurling abuse at you. They're just not The Waltons. That's why I think you should suck it up for his sake.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 17:23

He's not going to go regardless, Stuntgirl. We haven't decided what we are doing yet.

And I'm not quite grumpy in my PIL's house, Bedtime. The opposite, in fact. But I take your point about having a different space making things easier.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetestcup · 22/09/2013 17:25

For those who obviously haven't read the thead, skyler says early on "DH doesn't actively want to go to his parents', but feels that he probably should.

Yes she says that - all I said was we obviously dont know how he really feels, he could be saying this to her but does want to go and feels torn for example, after all he has said he will go alone!

ravenAK · 22/09/2013 17:25

Just get dh to ring MIL & say 'Hi mum, Skyler & I were just thinking about Xmas - would you two like to come to us? Or if you'd rather stay at home to spend time with dsis & dniece, we thought we could come to you for a day in between Xmas & NYE?'

Don't even mention the boxroom option - since you've never stayed there before - & if they suggest it, that's dh's cue to explain that he's banjaxed his back, total agony, can't possibly squish into a single bed with you...

It's quite possible they'll be entirely relieved. My parents are a bit like OP's PILs - they're just a bit crap at having people to stay generally, & even more rubbish at family celebrations. I invite them to come to us every year, they politely decline as they don't like travelling, & I leave 'em to their M&S Xmas dinner & afternoon in front of the telly. If I announced that dh & I were going to be staying with them, they'd put a brave face on it, but they'd be inwardly appalled! Grin.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 17:27

skyler has made every effort to be pleasant in her IL house from what she says.

If her husband decides to go from some kind of sense of 'duty' even he days it isn't necessary for two people to be miserable.

StuntGirl · 22/09/2013 17:30

Skyler is blatently not interested in going come what may, so where's the angst? She's going to go to her parents anyway, then its her husbands choice to join or go to his parents. Non issue.

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