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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

154 replies

skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:12

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 22/09/2013 14:36

Why might you just as well not bother being married if you don't do Christmas together?

Married people are perfectly capable of independence.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:39

Good for you skyler

Why shouldn't you and your husband do what's best for you and refuse to get locked into a pattern?

If a parent is alone and vulnerable that makes a difference.

Sundayinthemaghreb · 22/09/2013 14:40

This is really hard. We are in a similar position, although have DC. To my shame, we have not been to DH's parents for Christmas for 5 years. I simply cannot bear it. They do not "host" at all (last Christmas there involved a hurried lunch with no nice traditions and limited convesration, followed by 6 hours in front of the telly (The Queen, Eastenders omnibus - the one and only time I have ever watched EE - some other drama that MIL wanted to watch). Dreadful, dreadful. I feel that dealing with their Christmas has such a detrimental affect on our relationship that it is better avoided. DH is largely in agreement, although is fond of his family and I think if I was happy to go to his PILs he would be too.

The compromise we have reached is to mainly stay at home (we still have a UK home). Everyone is invited - both sets of parents, brothers and sisters. They do not all come (BIL/SIL have others options, and PILs and my parents have on occasion chosen not to), but they are welcome if they want to.

We have spent a couple of Christmasses at my parents' house, when we've arrived back in the UK too late to get organised for hosting, but for these years DH's family have also been invited (although they only came one of the years - it's quite a trek for them, but as they are not the hosting sorts, there wasn't the option of seeing if they would host and invite my family). Would this be an option at all?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:42

Of course sockreturningpixie and I once went to my mum after she'd had an operation and left my husband at home for Christmas but I was looking at the description of it being a pattern.

diddl · 22/09/2013 14:44

Perhaps find out what SIL is doing?

If she will be seeing her parents, that maybe "lets you off the hook", OP.

Or maybe your ILs would be OK with just each other on CD?

We are abroad & my husband is an only, & rarely sees his parents on CD-he doesn't want to & figures that they have each other so are not alone.

Footface · 22/09/2013 14:45

Maybe they haven't invited you yet as its only September.

Your dh obviously wants to go, proberly more than you think considering he's prepare to be separated from you on Christmas Day.

I think you should suck it up and visit your in laws at Christmas, or let your dh go on his own, but don't stop him because you don't want to go.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:47

If the ILs haven't mentioned Christmas and haven't issued an invitation why does the OP have any responsibility to ask what SIL is doing?

SaucyJack · 22/09/2013 14:47

So basically your gripe is that you can't get away with inviting yourself to your ILs for Christmas so that you can have a lovely time whilst they run around after you doing and paying for everything?

Fucking diddums.

It's their Christmas too, and they obviously don't want to spend it doing the formal hosting thing.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/09/2013 14:48

Travellodges if booked now will only be about £19 a night at Xmas. I put my family in one last year down the road from us as I don't have room to put them all up and did not want to choose who could stay and who could not. Worked a treat as although DH and I did all the catering etc, at least we did not have to wake up to them all - and they all enjoyed it as everyone had their own bathroom etc!

I would NOT spend Xmas apart from my DH and would suck it up and go to the inlaws for Xmas for one night only.

SaucyJack · 22/09/2013 14:48

By the sounds of it, they'd probably be just as happy as you if you didn't do the duty visit.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 14:52

I think if they want you that badly, Skyler, they should have been feckin nicer to you the last time.

Will they be really upset if you both didn't come?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:52

How can we say her husband wants to go to his parents and claim to know that better than his own wife?

I still think they should do as they please, and refuse to set a precedent.

I know from experience how 'sucking it up' makes the whole experience miserable and I don't see why anyone should have to do it if they don't want to.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:54

SaucyJack you are ENTIRELY wrong and your abuse is unwarranted. Where have I said that I wanted to be waited on hand and foot? In any house that I am staying in, I am happy to help out, lend a hand with whatever needs doing, chip in for meals - all the more so if I am staying somewhere for more than a couple of days. I don't expect my ILs to run around after me and NOWHERE have I said that. Your post is utterly unhelpful and misguided. Hmm

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 14:55

In fact I wonder could that be what they want?

Freeze you out so they get to have Precious Son all to themselves?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:55

Saucy How have you managed to deduce that from the OP 's posts?

Maryz · 22/09/2013 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/09/2013 14:58

Yes do what Mary says!

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:58

The 1, 2, 3 options are helpful, *Maryz, thanks - it's useful to think of it in that way. No flights between my parents' city and PIL's city, but I suppose trains/buses could be an option. I wouldn't mind putting up with the floor, but there is literally no room even for a single mattress on the floor of hte boxroom - there is built in wardrobes, desk etc taking up too much space.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewhitebag · 22/09/2013 15:01

We have been married 28 years and in that time i have never been to my in laws for Christmas. I think they came to our perhaps once or twice a good while back but they are not the easiest house guests and certainly no fun to have around.

Some years we saw neither the in laws or my parents on Christmas day but had other family members for the day.

Laterally Christmas has been spent with my parents plus my Ex-sil and my niece. My brother doesn't celebrate Christmas. My DH adores my parents and they love him more than they love me

I suppose what i am trying to say is there is no 'normal' way to spend Christmas and it can change as time and circumstances change. If it worked last year going to your parents and seeing your in-laws after then do that. If your in-laws haven't mentioned you going to them then they may not want the hassle of having visitors. Where would they normally spend Christmas?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 15:02

I'd go for Maryz option 1 every year I felt like it unless that would leave one I L lonely or vulnerable.

Nishky · 22/09/2013 15:07

Can you sleep on the floor of the lounge/ dining room? Often done at our Christmases

yummymumtobe · 22/09/2013 15:08

When you're married your partner is supposed to be your number one priority - the person you love best and want to be with above all others. It sounds a bit childish to want to be with your parents so you can carry on your idea of your christmasses past. You are adults now! Also, his parents may seem dull etc but they are HIS parents and whether they can provide enough entertainment for you shouldn't matter. Just because their traditions aren't the same as yours doesn't make them any less valid. Time to accept you are a wife above a daughter. I am a real mummy's girl but this is a vital lesson that I have learnt - hubby needs to be no 1.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 15:09

Why should she? That would be up to PIL who haven't invited them anyway.

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