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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

154 replies

skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 13:12

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 22/09/2013 13:46

Sounds like his parents/family just don't know how to be good hosts rather than being purposely unwelcoming, and with your family openly relishing and enjoying company this time of year of course it seems like a better prospect.

Your dh will want to spend Xmas with his parents (evident by the fact he suggests you spending Xmas separately so he can), however badly they host.

Personally I would put up with the box room and make the most of it for my dh.

Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:48

So you actually will be invited for Christmas and are going to decline the invitation? That's fine, and you have every right to do that - but I hope you realise the massive offence you'll cause.

If I were in your shoes I'd do Christmas day separately since it's that big a deal. Because if they are making you want to claw your eyes out then you seem like you really don't like them very much at all.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:48

I don't get the impression that he wants to but thinks he ought to.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:51

She's entitled not to like being with them and it sounds as though her husband would rather be at her parents too.

Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:52

OK but why should one partner's desire for their type of family Christmas trump the other one?

I've been the one who couldn't see their parents at Christmas and it is horrible. No matter what the other family are like, no matter if you like them or don't like them, it still feels like you and your sort of Christmas aren't getting a look in, and that the other family are taking over.

Sorry. I'm leaving the thread because it's really incredibly upsetting. It's reminding me what it felt like to be sitting having their sort of Christmas, which had lovely traditions and was a nice Christmas, but it wasn't MY Christmas, and my husband had no understanding and wouldn't just go along for a day or two.

Good luck I hope you get it sorted.

Johnny5needsinput · 22/09/2013 13:55

And I disagree. He wants to be with his own family at Christmas - that's why he's suggesting they go to their separate parents. Why isn't it possible to do me, you, us in rotation? That's fair. Or else just knock the coming home at Christmas on the head altogether.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:57

Actually having spent loads of time on Christmas that I didn't enjoy I now have noone to spend Christmas with anyway.
I think you should do what you want to do and it sounds as though deep down the OP and her husband want the same thing.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 13:58

He appears to be suggesting it because he thinks he ought to go. It doesn't mean he wants to.

PrimalLass · 22/09/2013 14:02

My parents lived abroad and before we had kids we just went back to our own families for Christmas Day.

sweetestcup · 22/09/2013 14:05

Unless someone has both sets of parents for Christmas then there will always have to be compromises, of which turns is the fairest - I agree with Johnny.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:05

DH doesn't want to spend Christmas with his parents as in that's the place he most wants to be. He feels he should, which is a different thing. PIL have no Christmas traditions as far as I can gather.

Sorry this is upsetting you Johnny, but I think you're projecting.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:06

You might as well not bother with being married if you're going to visit your parents separately if there are no extenuating reasons. If you choose not to have children should you do it for years on end?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:08

Why do they have to compromise? If they both want to go to the OP 's parents why shouldn't they?

diddl · 22/09/2013 14:13

Your SIL might have got her poor hosting skills from her parents!

She might have thought that offering a bed was favour enough.

How does your husband get on with her & her husband?

Maybe he'd like to see his nephew at Christmas?

ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:19

Niece I think.

Well if he's said he wants to the OP hasn't mentioned it.

I'm really puzzled as to why so many are so keen to find some compromise that doesn't even sound likely to make anyone happy. Seriously what's the point?

Chusband · 22/09/2013 14:23

why do they have to compromise? If they want to go to OPs parents, why shouldn't they?

Because its not just about them, other people's feelings need to be taken into consideration. I presume you don't tell your DC they can do what they want?

The fair thing is to take it in turns, so this year you go there, even if only for a couple of days.

TheArticFunky · 22/09/2013 14:23

Why don't you have Christmas on your own just the two of you?

I find the idea of grown adults feeling obliged to spend Christmas at their parents rather strange.

Invite them to yours and if they don't want to come leave them be.

sweetestcup · 22/09/2013 14:25

Because we don't know sooty how OPs DH really feels, maybe he would rather be at his own parents, they are his parents after all. Maybe their relationship is rubbish and he would rather be at his ILs, but who knows!

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:27

DH doesn't really have much in common with SIL or her husband. He gets on perfectly fine with them, there have never been any fallings-out, but just v v different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:30

I've said a couple of times that DH would rather be at my parents' house, but feels a sense of duty to his parents to go there. But he doesn't want me to go there, and I don't want to spend Christmas apart Sad

I don't want to get locked into a series of taking turns for Christmas. That way lies discontent and unhappiness, IMO. I think we should do what suits us best for any given year and I want us to retain flexibility.

OP posts:
Nishky · 22/09/2013 14:30

You don't sound like a brilliant guest tbh if your dh is having to worry all the time about how it's not meeting your expectations.

Can't you just go for the minimum time possible. Sorry but you sound like a spoilt child- your Christmas with its 'traditions' is the only way as far as you are concerned- the fact your dh had suggested separate Christmases suggests he does want to spend it with his family- so you either go with him and plaster a smile on your face or go to your parents on your own.

I have slept in all sorts of uncomfortable places at my parents house at Christmas and so has my sil. We giggled over a drink about how we were further down the pecking order than the visiting from overseas cousins.

Nishky · 22/09/2013 14:31

You want to retain flexibility as long as it is what you want?

MissStrawberry · 22/09/2013 14:33

Why are you expecting any of your parents to invite you for Christmas? You are adults and don't need to go home for Christmas unless you are invited and want to go.

Start as you mean to go on. If you don't want to go to PIL, don't. If you want to go to your parents, go.

For many years I spent Christmas at my in-laws but I can't face it every year so we compromise and got for Boxing Day only some years.

Original poster
skylerwhite · 22/09/2013 14:33

I want to retain flexibility so that DH and I can decide what's best for us as a couple.

I am a pretty decent guest actually: I make conversation even though no-one else seems to bother, I chat to whoever is around, I cook meals for everyone, I buy food, I tidy up, and no-one ever suspects that I find it all so difficult.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/09/2013 14:35

Other people's feelings?

The PIL have not invited them
They could go to the OP but apparently won't
The OP says her husband doesn't want to go to his parents

Who on earth would come to any harm if they go to her family and actually have a good time? Or will some dreadful karma visit her because they didn't take it in turns like some kind of grim duty?

Ffs. This desperate teeth clenching attitude to Christmas is bloody depressing. I actually hate this time of year but don't see why others have to be miserable because it's apparently all part of family duty.