to not know what to do for Christmas (in-laws related, apologies...)

[skylerwhite]

DH and I have been married for 18 months. No DC. We live overseas, and our families live at different ends of our home country (300 miles apart). Last year we spent Christmas with my parents and siblings (big family), and went to visit PIL for a few days after Christmas, and then came back to our own house for New Year.

The question arises of what to do for this Christmas. I realise that it is probably reasonable to expect to 'take turns' and spent Christmas with PIL.

But.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable in PIL's house, and have never spent the night there (never been invited, and there isn't really room: only a spare box room). They basically do not know how to have people in their home, and never have visitors. They also do not have the best of relationships, and things are strained and awkward at times.

On previous occasions when we were visiting we stayed in a hotel, which we can't afford this year. DH has one sister, who is married (lives near to PIL) and has just had a beautiful baby girl. Last year we stayed with SIL and her husband, and were treated appallingly - not even offered a cup of tea, and basically ignored the whole time. I don't think they even got up to see us out. I said that I would never stay in that house again, and even if they hadn't had a baby, I don't think I would. So that's out.

My parents are incredibly hospitable, and would love to have us for Christmas again. They are not, though, pressurising us in any way, and will be happy with whatever we decide. DH has said he doesn't want to put me through Christmas in his parents house, and that me being there would make it even more difficult for him as he would be worrying/fretting about how uncomfortable I was all the time. He sort of wants us to go to our own parents for Christmas, but I am not happy with this.

So, AIBU to want to do what we did last year? Or is that terribly mean?

Ilovesooty - have you not read this thread? It has been said that he isn't that keen on going to his parents but has to go there so that's why he said lets have separate Christmas then! wether it's duty bound or not he still wants to go to his parents!

Skyler - I take the point that your not grumpy to his parents but the main thing that matters is you make your husband feel uncomfortable so to do that you must be doing something.

Yes Bedtime and I think I'm one of the few who have. It just seems to me that your understanding of 'wants to go there' is uutterly bizarre.

I don't make my DH feel uncomfortable, Bedtime, where are you getting that from? I said that I feel uncomfortable. I certainly don't take anything out on him.

Stuntgirl I'm not interested in going to my PILs house, no - but if my DH insisted on going there, I would go with him. I don't want us to spend Christmas apart. He, as Maryz pointed out earlier, possibly wants me to make the decision to assuage his own guilt.

skyler I suspect you're talking to brick walls here.

These wise posters who know what your motives are, how you behave, what your husband wants... miraculous.

And of course some of them even believe that you should pursue some peculiar notion of duty however miserable it makes you.

Just get dh to ring MIL & say 'Hi mum, Skyler & I were just thinking about Xmas - would you two like to come to us? Or if you'd rather stay at home to spend time with dsis & dniece, we thought we could come to you for a day in between Xmas & NYE?'

Don't even mention the boxroom option - since you've never stayed there before - & if they suggest it, that's dh's cue to explain that he's banjaxed his back, total agony, can't possibly squish into a single bed with you...

It's quite possible they'll be entirely relieved. My parents are a bit like OP's PILs - they're just a bit crap at having people to stay generally, & even more rubbish at family celebrations. I invite them to come to us every year, they politely decline as they don't like travelling, & I leave 'em to their M&S Xmas dinner & afternoon in front of the telly. If I announced that dh & I were going to be staying with them, they'd put a brave face on it, but they'd be inwardly appalled! .

This. Do this!

You know what you're doing, let him make his own decision.

Or maybe your DH should go to the box room for all of Christmas, and you sit at home alone in a new apartment in a strange city, because you are an ADULT and that is apparently how ADULTS should enjoy spending Christmas

You know what you're doing, let him make his own decision.

What do you mean by that, Stuntgirl?

Ilovesooty - he's suggested separate Christmases therefore wether he's doing it out of duty or not he has made his preferences clear to op.
She has a right to be happy but so does he. Therefore like he suggested separate Christmases is probably a sensible idea, She gets her family Christmas again this year, he went to her parents last year and is accepting that she won't be going to his on his turn, therefore I think he is being very reasonable and making all the compromises. He's acting like a couple.

Yes, that might work HoldMe (thanks to ravenhut).

Ilovesooty - he's suggested separate Christmases therefore wether he's doing it out of duty or not he has made his preferences clear to op.
She has a right to be happy but so does he. Therefore like he suggested separate Christmases is probably a sensible idea, She gets her family Christmas again this year, he went to her parents last year and is accepting that she won't be going to his on his turn, therefore I think he is being very reasonable and making all the compromises. He's acting like a couple.

I thought it was self explanatory. You want to go to your parents. He can choose to join you or see his parents. I wouldn't be making his decision for him.

Oh, ok Stuntgirl, I thought you were implying some manipulation on my part. Sorry.

Bedtime your definition of 'preferences' seems equally bizarre.

Ilovesooty - I really think you don't know the meaning of being a couple. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do because we love the other person.

I don't think it's me who needs a dictionary for definitions Bedtime

I've yet to see from what the OP says how both of them going to his parents would do anything but make two people miserable instead of one.

Ilovesooty - your posts just seem bizarre full stop.. I don't understand your way of thinking at all. What I do understand it seems a very selfish way. Me, me ,me .

Things seem very one sided. Skylers parents last year, Skylers this year . What about him? Then suggest separate Christmas then and no that's not good enough either, He can't win can he? It seems to me the family Christmas at ops parents is more important than him.

Ilovesooty - are you one of those types that pick up on everybody's spellings/grammar. Wants , preferences who cares? He feels a duty to go to his parents and that's it like what stunt girl said so resentments are going to be created if he goes to her parents. Especially when it's his turn to decide.

Ach .........go to your parents OP and have a lovely time . No guilt .

Some of us oldies are a bit relieved to not have to host Christmas and would enjoy your company on a less expectant day if you get me ?
Ill health and knowing you arent sparkling company is stressful so maybe you are doing inlaws a favour .
Enjoy day with your folks and spend another afternoon with your inlaws when all the expectations are less.......you will all enjoy then.

I dont get this fretting over Christmas day to be honest .....I want my son and daughter in law to have a fun day . Doesnt mean my son doesnt love me and his dad.

DH has said that he finds Christmases at his parents' house v difficult, incredibly dull, and a strain to get through. So he often takes himself off to his old room for a few hours to read, just to get a break. He also has said how much he enjoyed last Christmas, with lots going on, people coming and going, and a sociable and fun atmosphere. He also told me that his father doesn't even bother getting up on Christmas morning to open presents with the rest of the family .

I was asked upthread about what SIL is doing. I'm not sure, but I suspect it might be much the same as last year: they will have Christmas morning in their own house, go to PIL for Christmas lunch, and then go to BIL's parents for the evening time. They live a 5 min drive from PIL and about 15 mins from BIL's parents.

So Bedtime you think if skyler martyrs herself and has a miserable Christmas it will make her husband happy?
I can't see any evidence that would be the case.
She's already said if he goes so will she. However he doesn't want her to go.
She says he doesn't want to go. I think she can be trusted to understand him better than you do.
And it's not as if his parents are falling over themselves to invite them is it?