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AIBU?

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Original poster

to still be angry that someone was horrible about my mum 30 years ago?

164 replies

adishbestservedcold · 21/09/2013 20:37

Ok, this is a nc, will try to be brief.

At middle school I had a 'friend' (let's call her L) who was a bit bitchy. Her mother (a thumping snob) said things about my mum that L repeated to me, with relish. I went home and asked mum what a 'streetwalker' was and she was really hurt and upset. We were poor, L's family were relatively rich and mum was really sensitive about it all.

Had a trip down memory lane recently and took my dds on a walk there with my parents. Mum mentioned the insults when we walked past L's old house, laughing about it (but rather bitterly).

30 years on Dsis and I are doctors, Db1 a successful research chemist and Db2 a journalist.

In an idle moment I googled L and nearly spat out my coffee. She is now a pornographer, having her own company that streams porn to mobiles. I hate porn/exploitation of women. There's a bit of me that really wants to email L and tell her how fucking disgusting she is and how ironic the way things have turned out.

I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs.

But I still hate her and what her mum said about mine (who is a lovely person) and it's so tempting!

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 21/09/2013 20:40

I wouldn't advise following your inclination, you would be just as bad as she was. Hate is such a worthless emotion, it doesn't hurt her at all, does it? It's you that it affects. Let it go. Easy to say, less easy to do, I know

edam · 21/09/2013 20:43

How immensely satisfying to know that your family have all done so well, while she's so .

Don't contact her, though, that would just make you look mad.

notundermyfoof · 21/09/2013 20:45

Send her a friend request on facebook, even if she doesn't accept it she's bound to look at your profile out of curiosity Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 21/09/2013 20:54

30 years on and surely life has matured you to be a bigger person. Her situation now may be the karma of her bad actions back then, why create some for yourself in gloating at her misfortunes in life?

JumpingJackSprat · 21/09/2013 20:59

shes probably raking it in and could be perfectly happy being child free. i think you should leave her alone to get on with her life and you yours. by the way youre not necessarily better than her, no doubt youve both changed a lot since youre at school and your op makes you sound pretty nasty.

i was bullied at school but never felt the urge to contact any of them - or even really to start threads about them on the internet.

Original poster
adishbestservedcold · 21/09/2013 21:04

Points taken, thank you. It's hard to forgive someone who has been horrible about your mum, that's all.

JumpingJack I'm afraid I do think I am better than someone 'raking it in' peddling porn, sorry. And I think anyone else on here who doesn't do that is better than she is.

It's a horrible way to earn a living.

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 21/09/2013 21:06

She was a child repeating simething

Madamecastafiore · 21/09/2013 21:07

Sorry repeating something her mother said.

SeaSickSal · 21/09/2013 21:15

It was horrible. But I think your mother has the right attitude just laughing at it rather than letting it bother her

iWantChampagneOnColaBudget · 21/09/2013 21:19

whats the point in contacting her?
you've made a success of yourself, and for all we know, shes happy in what shes doing, i would leave it but should there ever be a chance you see her again, let her do the talking, i find people land themselves in it more than you could for them

quirrelquarrel · 21/09/2013 21:19

Shock i get that MN is a place to vent and stuff, but seriously? you think she's disgusting and you're better because you're a doctor? sorry but you don't sound all that nicer than her.

quirrelquarrel · 21/09/2013 21:20

sorry, xpost, didn't see your post of 21:04. i see how you feel.....

Portofino · 21/09/2013 21:21

You seriously need to get a life!

Smartiepants79 · 21/09/2013 21:24

I doubt very much she would remember the conversation. If she even remembered who you were.
Just be proud of why your family have achieved and move on.
She can't have been more than 12 or so. She was only repeating what her mother had said.

LayMizzRarb · 21/09/2013 21:36

Holding such bitter thoughts, is akin to drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
She repeated something she had heard as a child and you're waving flags because you think being a doctor, having children, and being slim makes you better than her. I'm sad that you consider them to be criteria with which to judge a fellow human being. Do you consider your patients with the same level of contempt?
You don't know why she is childless or overweight and being a qualified doctor does not give you magic powers to be accurately presumptuous about her.
'Hating' a child who said something 30 years ago? Wow. Just wow.

nkf · 21/09/2013 21:40

Don't contact her. It was a trigger for old bad feelings. For both you and your mum. They will pass if you don't feed them.

whatastar · 21/09/2013 21:49

i cant believe you are still angry about something that was said by a child 30 years ago , grow up and get over it .

PomBearArmy · 21/09/2013 21:53

I would send the message, if it would be a bit of closure for you! If it's still bothering you all these years later a bit of self-justified gloating might be quite cathartic in this case!

SarahAndFuck · 21/09/2013 21:55

I wouldn't email her. You will come out of that looking, and possibly feeling, like a nasty piece of work.

I can understand why you feel bitter but she may already be regretting repeating those things to you. At middle school she was a child probably not even twelve years old. She probably understood they were hurtful things to say, but not in the same way she will if she looks back on now.

There may well have been a moment when she remembered repeating them and was appalled by herself and her mother. Her mother was the one who was really in the wrong, you don't say things like that to your child about her friend and her family.

And with that said, you sound really nasty when you sneer about her weight and her home life and you are an adult now and ought to know better.

You might have a more respectable job than she does but sneering at her weight and childless status make you exactly the same as her mother sneering at your mother. Do you want to be that person?

PomBearArmy · 21/09/2013 22:00

Isn't the point of it that this family used to look down on her family? It's not like she has found a random classmate on FB and wants to laugh at how their life turned out. Whether it was meant or not, those words have left hurt that still resonates decades later.

knickernicker · 21/09/2013 22:05

Is the wicked mother still alive? I'd be angrier with her.

SarahAndFuck · 21/09/2013 22:06

I'm not saying she's unreasonable to still feel hurt. It was a terrible thing to say and I can completely understand why the hurt is still there, for all of them, all this time later.

It's this - "I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs." that makes the OP unreasonable, and worse, makes her the same as L's mother.

The OP claims to be better than someone because she is slim when they are not and has children when they don't. That's not being better than anybody, that's being a nasty cow. In exactly the same way as L's mother was 30 years ago.

And emailing to say so will compound that. I don't think the OP really wants to be that person if she thinks about it. Who would?

WafflyVersatile · 21/09/2013 22:09

Sorry I'm a bit confused. In what way are you better than her?

Wearytiger · 21/09/2013 22:09

I would still hate someone who was that rude about my mum, and I am really not someone who holds grudges. OP, I think you're getting a little bit of a rough ride here. However you know in your heart that contacting her is not the right thing to do. It is definitely a family issue as she was pretty young. YANBU for caring but YABU to want to do something about it.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2013 22:14

If I were 'L' and I got a message from you like that, out of the blue I'd feel absolutely gutted for you.

'L' could well be enjoying her life and her job, and not fretting about something someone else said 30 years ago.

2 Doctors, a successful research chemist and a journalist is quite unusual coming out of one family.

But it has nothing to do with 'L' or her career and doesn't make you any better than her.

Move on and let go of this.