to still be angry that someone was horrible about my mum 30 years ago?

[adishbestservedcold]

Ok, this is a nc, will try to be brief.

At middle school I had a 'friend' (let's call her L) who was a bit bitchy. Her mother (a thumping snob) said things about my mum that L repeated to me, with relish. I went home and asked mum what a 'streetwalker' was and she was really hurt and upset. We were poor, L's family were relatively rich and mum was really sensitive about it all.

Had a trip down memory lane recently and took my dds on a walk there with my parents. Mum mentioned the insults when we walked past L's old house, laughing about it (but rather bitterly).

30 years on Dsis and I are doctors, Db1 a successful research chemist and Db2 a journalist.

In an idle moment I googled L and nearly spat out my coffee. She is now a pornographer, having her own company that streams porn to mobiles. I hate porn/exploitation of women. There's a bit of me that really wants to email L and tell her how fucking disgusting she is and how ironic the way things have turned out.

I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs.

But I still hate her and what her mum said about mine (who is a lovely person) and it's so tempting!

*sorry for the typos

Would everyone agreeing that she was obviously a nasty evil person and you are clearly such a lovely, wonderful, caring woman, make you feel better about yourself? Because, personally, I don't think anyone happy with their lot in life would be obsessing so much about a comment passed on by a kid over 30 bloody years ago.

*she is not was

Yanbu, I would be devastated as a kid if a family said that about my mum and it must have been equally as bad for your mum if she still remembers it! Christ I can't even remember what happened last week! What horrible nastiness and I don't think I could have shaken that off! However, turn it around and think that those comments made your family do their damnedest to get professional jobs and be proud of all of your accomplishments. It is clear that you are still upset and maybe you shouldn't have put the comments about thin/fat argument but god give the op a break will you? The argument about porn industry vs the medical world is a no brainer for me - I don't want my ds when he's older watching porn but I do want him to visit a doctor for medical advice. I wouldn't contact her but let it go - I think your family have done well and your mum should be so proud.

I haven't read the other comments but just having my tuppence worth.

I can see why you would want to point out to her how well you've all done, in spite of her mother's comments.
But, comparing yourself favourably against this woman's life doesn't make you look the better person. Having a gloat is like opening a big, beautifully wrapped present but it's just an empty box.
Instead why don't you think of another person, friend, family member or colleague who you have admiration and respect for and let them know how much you think of them, how happy they make you, how much you love them. It's a much nicer feeling for the giver and recipient.

It is hard to let go of a strong emotion you felt when young though, it seems to etch itself into your being.
Different slant, but I remember being on holiday and half-asleep and hearing my mother fending off a very drunk friend of the family. He and dad had been friends for years, and dad had wandered off for a few hours.
He was pressurising her for sex, telling her she was with the wrong man, and she was being polite and dignified and fending him off verbally.
I lay under the blankets, vibrating with the need to rip his arms off, and waiting until she needed help and I'd flay him. I was 9.
So, she managed the situation, and he left. Then she said very quietly 'Thank you for your self-control, and for being ready to help if I needed you. He is a sad, lonely and disappointed man'
He left the next morning
Decades later, I met him at a wedding, and my immediate response was to want to tear his face off. I didn't, but the emotion was as raw as it had been that night.

Fuck it, I would gloat. You have done well and if you aren't smug well, good for you but you are entitled to be. She is likely taking things up the arse for money, on camera and pretending she likes it. Oooooh baby yes yes yes. Ha! You dont have to do any of that thank god. It's true she was only repeating what her mother said and I would love to run into that bitch and stop and chat long enough to sneer but so nicely. I'm not as nice and level headed as other posters obvs. It must have been horrible for you and your mother, by the way, you should tell your mother about this so she has extra validation for how well she did with you. Karma has bitten this other family on the arse.

Ok so you ballsed up your thread with the fat comments (bet you're glad you namechanged now) but that aside, I think nkf sums it up very well here:-

*Personally, I do think being a doctor is better than being a pornographer. Morally better. Socially more useful. 100% better in just about every way possible.

But this is really about childhood hurts not being properly healed. Acknowledge it and then let it go*

You are not a horrible person, you are a human being who's thoughts have spilled out onto AIBU of all places.

The important person in this is your Mum, do you think she is still really hurt after all these years? If you told her what has become of the awful woman's daughter do you think that would make her feel any better?
That's all you need to think about - what do you hope to gain from this bit of information, how do you think it will play out?

The child was only repeating what she heard. I doubt she knew what a ' a streetwalker ' was. She was just being a spiteful kid who didn't have the maturity at that age to understand the emotional consequences and fall out.

If your life is as successful as you claim, although I must confess you do sound like a diluted version of Samantha ' I'm thin and beautiful' brick. I would let it go.

You have had nothing to do with her life so why start now.

Just enjoy a sence of schadenfreude if you want.

I agree that pornography is wrong, I agree that medicine is a better career choice (as are most things). I don't agree that a person who is a doctor is better than a person who works in porn. We are all equal - at least I try to maintain this pov.

However, I understand the hurt a comment can leave. And you are certainly not unreasonable to still be hurt by a comment made about your mother (tbh that would affect me more than the same comment made about me,I think). But you would be unreasonable to send a gloating email. Your life will be even better and happier to let go and forgive the comments made - hard as it is, perhaps. You are certainly not as "bad as them" to be so affected, or even to think these things - but I think you would be to actually say them to this person, as you would then be aiming to cause someone else the hurt that you suffered. Which would put you on their level.

Rise above, enjoy your life and be the happiest you can be - if you compare yourself to others you will always be either vain or bitter, for always there will be others greater or lesser than yourself. (I forget who I'd that, but it's true).

I also think that you got a bit slated because you used being fat and childless as a criteria for judging someone's worth.....you'd have got more sympathy without that, I think.

OP - I would feel satisfied, but privately. As others have said, all other avenues make you look deranged.

Anything that mentions weight in any way is getting leapt on at the minute - so don't feel bad.

I think you are no better than her really.Have you done better? That depends on the eye of the beholder I think.She likely earns more than you is self employed and maybe hates kids and loves animals.I am sure she has ahd the opportunity to get herself PG if she had wanted!

Driz what I said about L getting fat was flippant. Yep there is a certain satisfaction in it because she was a horrible person at 12 and has carried on in that vein IMO - becoming a pornographer. She looked down on me - and her mother looked down on mine - and now she is nothing. Not because she is fat but because she is a pornographer.

The reason I crossed out the stuff about weight in my OP is because it is not really important and I wish I hadn't mentioned it because it's attracted lots of abuse.

But as to her being fat - like it or not we are judged in our society by these things and in those terms I am more 'successful' than her.

Is it wrong? Well, yes of course. The culture of thinness can be damaging and with dd I am very aware of its influence.

But being overweight isn't something to be celebrated either. There is nothing good about it. The people who are overweight for a clinical reason - being sedentary because of a medical problem or having an endocrine disorder for example - are few. Most people who are fat are fat because there is a simple equation based on calorific intake and output and the amount of calories is higher than those expended. That's it. There is a genetic component, though it's not well understood; some people finding it harder to stay at a healthy BMI.

No one wants to hear it but apart from smoking the worst single thing you can do for your health is be obese. Obesity directly causes some problems like diabetes and hypertension and contributes to countless others. And the NHS, the most precious institution we have, is, sooner or later, going to be broken because there are such high rates of obesity and the burden on healthcare this creates is unsustainable long term.

But that wasn't the point of my thread and I would like to apologise to anyone I have upset.

Of course you're better than someone working in porn by choice. Duh! Or maybe some of these posters would be happy if their daughter grows up to work in porn. Fucking stupid to say getting a fast buck as a sex worker is as good as being a doctor. Don't be upset by bullies on here OP. Like I said up thread you are entitled to gloat after the upset caused to you and your mum and I don't think you are gloating in any case.

We are all equal - at least I try to maintain this pov

Yeah me too. But it's bollocks, isn't it?

I am fat and Driz you don't speak for me.

Yes the child was repeating something she heard, but at 12 she will have known her mother was being mean, to say the least, whether she (12yo) knew what a streetwalker was or not.

I know what you mean OP, I understand what you've said and how you feel, but think best not to say anything or do anything.

Ignore the horrible comments.

As you have acknowledged, it isn't pleasant to assume thin = good and fat = bad.

I agree with you that porn is a moral vacuum, and I find it exploitative and horrible. To me, being a doctor is much better.

But I guess people have very different indicators of success, and none of us can assume that what is meaningful to us is the same for others.

So I think you should continue to feel proud of yourself and your achievements, without reference to anyone else. Except your mum, of course, take care of her!

OP I don't think you are making yourself look any better.

Crossing out on MN doesn't count it's still here and you thinking that people are objecting to that because they are overweight themselves shows you don't really accept how wrong you were to bring her weight and her childlessness into this.

That does make you as bad as L's mother.

People don't need you to tell them that being overweight is unhealthy. That's not the issue that people have raised.

Jobs aside, the issue is that you, as a person, claim to be better than somebody else because they are overweight and childless and you are slim and have children.

That makes you as bad as the woman who looked down on your mother because she had money and your mother was poor. You were behaving just like her when you said that.

Of course you're better than someone working in porn by choice. Duh! Or maybe some of these posters would be happy if their daughter grows up to work in porn. Fucking stupid to say getting a fast buck as a sex worker is as good as being a doctor.

No, I would not be happy if dd worked in porn, it's a disgusting and degrading business and medical career is better. However, it would not make her less of a person, I choose to differentiate the person from the career.

And no, I don't think trying to consider everyone as equal is bollocks, actually. It doesn't always work for me, I'm only human, but I don't know everyone's circumstances so cannot judge what those choices are. Walk a mile in their shoes etc (apologies for all the platitudes I'm dragging out today...).

adishbestservedcold I can understand your feelings and fwiw, I think being a doctor is a better job than being in the porn industry.

She may be earning a fortune peddling porn that degrades and exploits women.

Who is the winner here? You are.

Enjoy your moment of revenge, in the knowledge that her mother is mortified (if she knows what her darling daughter does for a living), and may bitterly regret being such a snob when you were a girl.

Let it go. Live your life and mentally stick two fingers up at them.

Thanks Rosh.

I'm upset that people have said I am a nasty person. I still have hangovers from coming from a poor family and self esteem issues. Some of the responses on here have been upsetting.

But I do think I am better than this woman, FWIW.

Being 'judgemental' is considered the biggest crime these days but the fact is that some people do better things with their lives than others do. We are all born equal and have equal potential but for many reasons, some within and some outside our control, we don't end up that way. All human life is precious but I would never think that the life of someone like Rose West was worth as much as the life of say, Judi Dench, Helena Kennedy... actually anyone who hasn't murdered lots of young women, irrespective of their 'achievements'.

Thanks Catmint, your post brought tears to my eyes - this is all about my mum really. She had cancer earlier this year. Her prognosis is brilliant but it was all very shaking and I do feel very protective of her. Maybe that's why this old crap has come to the surface.

Jobs aside, the issue is that you, as a person, claim to be better than somebody else because they are overweight and childless and you are slim and have children.

Nope. I don't think it makes me better. This is just the same as the satisfaction many of us would feel say, going to a school reunion, and finding out the 'cool' girl who looked down on everyone else had ended up with a pretty unremarkable life and had aged worse than we had. Absolutely petty I know but human and normal to feel.

That makes you as bad as the woman who looked down on your mother

No it fucking doesn't. The woman that looked down on my mother did it purely because we had no money and my mum 'wore jeans all the time' (quote from L there). I look down on L because of the choices we have made in life; I judge them. I think being a doctor is better than being a pornographer.

For snobbish parents a child becoming a doctor is pretty much the epitome. This is actually bollocks - doctors are as crap as the next person in lots of ways. It's just a job.

Being a librarian, a shop assistant, a hairdresser, a plumber, a firefighter, a lawyer, an accountant, a soldier, hell being anything is better than being a pornographer.