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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be angry that someone was horrible about my mum 30 years ago?

164 replies

adishbestservedcold · 21/09/2013 20:37

Ok, this is a nc, will try to be brief.

At middle school I had a 'friend' (let's call her L) who was a bit bitchy. Her mother (a thumping snob) said things about my mum that L repeated to me, with relish. I went home and asked mum what a 'streetwalker' was and she was really hurt and upset. We were poor, L's family were relatively rich and mum was really sensitive about it all.

Had a trip down memory lane recently and took my dds on a walk there with my parents. Mum mentioned the insults when we walked past L's old house, laughing about it (but rather bitterly).

30 years on Dsis and I are doctors, Db1 a successful research chemist and Db2 a journalist.

In an idle moment I googled L and nearly spat out my coffee. She is now a pornographer, having her own company that streams porn to mobiles. I hate porn/exploitation of women. There's a bit of me that really wants to email L and tell her how fucking disgusting she is and how ironic the way things have turned out.

I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs.

But I still hate her and what her mum said about mine (who is a lovely person) and it's so tempting!

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 21/09/2013 22:16

You do know your horrible snobby attitude now makes you a carbon copy of her mother, yes?

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2013 22:16

Dear god I missed this bit...

I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs.

You are completely deluded and coming across as far too 'try hard' I'm afraid.

You're not better than her or anyone else and if you were happy with your life, you wouldn't be googling other people and trying to look down your nose at them.

jessieagain · 21/09/2013 22:21

Yabu

It would be very unkind to send the email.

She was just repeating what she heard at home.

It may have been difficult being raised by a thumping snob. You don't know what her childhood was like.

saintmerryweather · 21/09/2013 22:22

i would rather live with dogs and cats than have children. im also overweight. that doesnt make you better than me.

you need to grow the fuck up and let go of the past, it was a comment made by a child and you are still bitter about it 30 years on

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 21/09/2013 22:23

Why message her to gloat though? She might be perfectly happy with her life. I'm on the fence about the porn but some people are content to live with animals and not kids. Not everyone aspires to be a doctor either.

As someone else has said, she was a child repeating what her nasty mother had told her. Doesn't mean she believed it herself and funnily enough your views change from when you're a child to when you're an adult.

You sound very bitter and deranged if you do contact her. Your mum has the right attitude. She's raised 4 children who are now all very successful and she must be very proud of that, so she should. Best revenge is to be happy with your own lot.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 21/09/2013 22:36

YABU to think you're "better than her". She was a child who repeated a comment she had heard at home, she was rude but you sound malicious and spiteful.

McNewPants2013 · 21/09/2013 22:38

I can forget what an adult said 30 years ago as a child.

But an adult belittling someone because you think you are 'better' as a mature person. I am sorry but that's not something I could forget and would change my view on you as a person.

So what if she a bit over weigh and lives with animals instead of children. Only because she lives a different life to you it doesn't make you any better or worse than her.

PeppiNephrine · 21/09/2013 22:42

You hate someone because 3 decades ago they repeated something to you that their mother said about your mother?
And you think you're better than her because you're skinny and have children?

You're off your box lady. Totally loo-lah.

scoobydooagain · 21/09/2013 22:44

As others have said, she was a child repeating what she heard at home, let it go, it's really not healthy to be thinking about it so far down the line.

Southsearocks · 21/09/2013 22:50

I'm glad you are not my "doctor".

PomBearArmy · 21/09/2013 22:52

waltermitty I do think there's a difference because she is reacting to what was said to her. It's not that she saw an ex classmate on FB, noted that she is overweight and lives alone and thought it would be fun to torment her, this was a horrid snobby family who thought it was funny to tell a little girl that her mother was a prostitute - and it is ironic that it's a member of their family who works with the sex industry.

I know I'm in the very small minority here, but I understand your feelings entirely OP. If you genuinely feel it will make you feel better - I say do it. You don't have to be nasty about it, but as I say, it may give you closure to get your feelings off your chest. She might apologise.

WandaDoff · 21/09/2013 22:52

Let go of your bitterness towards her.

I bet she doesn't think about you.

Just move on.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but she's not worth the headspace.

nkf · 21/09/2013 22:54

Personally, I do think being a doctor is better than being a pornographer. Morally better. Socially more useful. 100% better in just about every way possible.

But this is really about childhood hurts not being properly healed. Acknowledge it and then let it go.

Selks · 21/09/2013 22:55

You think that someone who is slim is superior to someone who is fat? Wow. I'm glad your not my doctor.

nkf · 21/09/2013 22:57

In a minute, someone will feel sorry for you/your children/your patients/your husband/your neighbour.

roundtable · 21/09/2013 22:59

If you're seriously happy with your lot, you'd let it go. She was a child repeating. You'd be a adult being spiteful. Not cool.

saintmerryweather · 21/09/2013 23:01

i just cant believe that someone would hold onto this for 30 years.

KellyHopter · 21/09/2013 23:02

"Personally, I do think being a doctor is better than being a pornographer. Morally better. Socially more useful. 100% better in just about every way possible.

But this is really about childhood hurts not being properly healed. Acknowledge it and then let it go."

^ this.

Your mum has lots to be proud of. That's victory enough.

ToffeeCaramel · 21/09/2013 23:04

Thing is, you might think that your life is better than hers now and perhaps it is, but actually your life was better than hers when you were children too really, because remember you had a lovely mum and she had a horrid mum who said nasty things about people that she repeated. It's not nice what she said about your mum, but I'd take having someone saying a nasty thing to me over having a horrid mum any day.

TheBigJessie · 21/09/2013 23:34

I can understand your upset both then and now, but you need to take a step back, and look at what happened objectively.

Your friend was 12. As were you. When we were 12, we felt mature, sophisticated, etc, and we treated our peers the same way. But, we weren't. Your friend was simply a little girl repeating a nasty thing her nasty mother said. The really nasty person here is her mother, and trust me, if you know her daughter works in the porn industry, her mother knows too, and hates it!

Your friend may have gone into the industry as a reaction against her upbringing, actually.

SoleSource · 22/09/2013 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PomBearArmy · 22/09/2013 01:18

I'm fat as well, however this is not about me.

Have you never watched one of those crappy high school reunion films (or an awesome one like Romy and Michelle) where the main character half kills herself at the gym to lose weight? There is a reason they do that. The fact is, as a slim doctor with a happy family, she has done much better for herself than the girl who made her feel bad about herself years ago.

If someone called my mother a whore they would have an enemy for life, I don't care how dramatic that sounds. And I don't even like my mother!

PomBearArmy · 22/09/2013 01:23

Oh, and by the way, I think most GPs highly disapprove (at least secretly) of fat people. I went to mine with an injured neck and he told me it would get better once I lost weight!

LaGuardia · 22/09/2013 04:48

OP, you sound just as nasty, tbh. It must be great being skinny Hmm

JustinBsMum · 22/09/2013 06:16

I don't think 12 year olds repeating malicious gossip about a classmate's mother is an innocent mistake or that the poor little 12 year old didn't know what she was doing- bullying by a 12 year old is bullying.

The OP's mother obviously remembered it clearly too.

By all means gloat all you want OP.