to still be angry that someone was horrible about my mum 30 years ago?

[adishbestservedcold]

Ok, this is a nc, will try to be brief.

At middle school I had a 'friend' (let's call her L) who was a bit bitchy. Her mother (a thumping snob) said things about my mum that L repeated to me, with relish. I went home and asked mum what a 'streetwalker' was and she was really hurt and upset. We were poor, L's family were relatively rich and mum was really sensitive about it all.

Had a trip down memory lane recently and took my dds on a walk there with my parents. Mum mentioned the insults when we walked past L's old house, laughing about it (but rather bitterly).

30 years on Dsis and I are doctors, Db1 a successful research chemist and Db2 a journalist.

In an idle moment I googled L and nearly spat out my coffee. She is now a pornographer, having her own company that streams porn to mobiles. I hate porn/exploitation of women. There's a bit of me that really wants to email L and tell her how fucking disgusting she is and how ironic the way things have turned out.

I know I should just quietly be glad that I'm better than her and I'm slim and she's fat, I've got lovely kids and she lives with cats and dogs.

But I still hate her and what her mum said about mine (who is a lovely person) and it's so tempting!

I think you need to let it go.

You've done well, coming from a poorer background and ended up as a doctor. That's great - I can relate to that as I grew up in a single parent household, went through some serious shit, ended up doing well.

However it's not healthy to dwell on the past as you are. I have to admit I do this but wouldn't dream of acting on it and contacting people etc. I think in my case it's low self esteem etc.

So YABU. Also yes the girl was 12 - she was immature and wouldn't have realised quite the impact as it was coming from her mum so she would have thought it was ok on some level. Pity her, don't hate her.

Her mother was a thumping snob? Oh. You actually sound like an ignorant and bitter snob. You're a thin doctor with kids, but she only has animals? Poor her! wise woman! How did you actually come across her being a 'pornographer'? This could be a really good thread, I am just marking my place!

I couldn't care less if someone called my mother a whore. She isn't, so what would it matter?

Bitterness is very bad for you OP. Much worse than being overweight

don't think you were seriously going to write to her. You were just enjoying the irony. I think in AIBU people LOVE jumping on this kind of bandwagon and being holier than thou-

I liked the person's suggestion (way back) of asking to be her friend on facebook. Then you can gloat and brag while looking innocent!

I don't think (sorry)

I don't get why the vipers are turning on you OP.

I would rather be thin, have a professional job and a good family life than be an obese pornographer!

Here come the anti-vipers!

Because what people weigh totally defines them?
How ignorant you are.

You sound as bad as L and her mother.

I found your post really hurtful. Are there really people out there who might be sneering at my infertile and childless status and thinking they are better than me because they have children? You are a horrid person OP.

I fucked up with this thread. I alienated anyone out there who's carrying a bit of extra weight (been there post partum and it's horrible, I do know). I'm sorry about that and apologise.

I guess with something like this you regress to childhood...your old hurt self. Thanks for PMs.

Whenever I start or contribute to a thread and get some PMs though it makes me realise that there is a certain psychological pressure on here to not say certain things.

Some people have said I am 'just as bad' as this woman because I don't like her and feel angry with her. Yep, she couldn't help having a nasty mother.

But what about the fact that she makes (no doubt) a good living peddling porn?

Seriously does no one think I'm justified in feeling like I am better than this person? It's hard to be a good doctor and easy to make mistakes but there are specific occasions when I have saved lives. More generally I spend my life caring for people, love my patients and always do my best.

I think that is 'better' than making lots of money in the porn industry. Sorry if that sound judgemental.

I am aware of how ridiculous my thread is in some ways but putting it on here I hoped to get this shit out of my system. Isn't that what AIBU is for?

Are you an actual doctor in real life? Or just in your Nasty judgemental head? I don't think you are 'better' than her at all.

Well aibu is IMO just to be told by a bunch of strangers in very snippy terms that yup you are unreasonable and generally the snipe about you as well... So! That box is ticked then!

A doctor being better in abstract I suppose makes some sense, saving lives etc. But again IMO all life is worth something. Hers gives pleasure to people. Basically. You view that as dirty. Can't say I do. I mean its not for me personally. But I don't begrudge her it. In a way if rather more women were in the industry controlling it.

Get off the high horse carefully. It's mighty embarrassing to fall on your petunia when u think yourself better. The girl was a child. Be angry at her mum not her. And you don't really know anything about it. Two sides to every hurt unfortunately often.

I've been in tears reading some of the stuff on here.
'As bad as L and her mother'?

No I am not.

MN should be a space where I can get this out of my system without being abused. I know my feelings are irrational and childish in lots of ways.

But don't you dare tell me that I am 'as bad' or worse than a pornographer. Porn is damaging and anyone who makes money out of it is a bad person.

I couldn't care less if someone called my mother a whore.

Well that is sad and an indictment of your relationship with your mother.

AIBU is a bear pit. Not a place for confessing your worst thoughts and feelings.

It won't get any better for you on this thread. Shut the computer and let it go.

MN should be a space where I can get this out of my system without being abused

It really isn't, you know.

God no are you as bad as L. Of course you're better - porn is shit. But you know that

People have to believe that we are all created equal, that a fat, mean peddler of porn is no worse or better than a kind doctor.

For what it's worth, I think it is usually better to be a thin doctor than a fat pornographer, (though some fat pornographers might be nicer people and better company than some thin doctors).

To answer the question about what AIBU is for- it is definitely not for any kind of humour, exaggeration or irony. It is for people to jump on you if they possibly can, and to ignore any subtlety and any subsequent posts (unless you come back to say IWBU).

And yes, people will privately disagree with the mob, but be afraid to say so.

I will not ever think that someone who judges others because of their weight is better than another. OP you are nasty and judgemental. If you really are a doctor then shame on you.

Actually shame on you regardless, but I am finding it hard to reconcile your nastiness with this image you have created of 'caring for people, loving patients and doing your best'

Don't be upset by people's venom. Lots of people agree with you, and virtually everyone would react the way you did if they were in your shoes. You just aren't allowed to say you are better than someone else.

I think it's interesting that everyone is so outraged that you prefer thin to fat. If everyone didn't privately agree with you, we would not have the New Year's resolutions, the diet industry, the Slimmer's Worlds etc etc. People are OBSESSED with losing weight, but very defensive about it.

Are thin people better than fat people claraschu?

No thin people aren't better obviously, but it is better to be thin than to be fat. At least, the overwhelming evidence points to the fact that almost everyone would prefer to be thin than to be fat.

Of course YANBU to still feel hurt and angry about this but coming from a more wealthy family doesn't mean this child necessarily had a childhood that was in any way easier or superior to yours.

A friend of mine had beautiful homes growing up, tennis court, pool etc but her Mum had undiagnosed mental illness and her behaviour reflected this in phone calls to other parents saying odd things and berating them.

Be happy and grateful for your own choices and family.

Do you remember that thread about the lady who was bullied by this girl,only to find out years later that the bully was working at the petrol station? Don't know why I remembered that.

I can see the irony of the situation, OP, first she calls your mother a w*e, the next thing she's in porn industry.
I don't live under the impression that doctors are superhuman, I am not perturbed by the fact that you are content with your life and think hers is very different from yours.

As you said, if something was/is hurtful enough to be remembered with bitterness 30 years down the line, it must have made a lasting impression on you. Some think it is petty, but for you is hurtful.

But more important it is still hurtful to your mother. You can't solve her issues, at the time she was a grown up, in charge of her emotions and how she chose to deal with it is her bussiness. I would attempt to ensure that your mum reconciles with the fact and moves on, if at all possible. I've never been in this situation, so practical advice here, sorry.

I don't think you're smug, really, I think you're grateful, but it came out the wrong way, the 12 yo in you tool the reins. At 42 perhaps, lol, you can differentiate, I am sure!

Not sure how healthy it is to dwell on stuff. Learn the lesson and move on. In your own terms. You know the woman was talking nonsense, but it wasn't your responsability to deal with the insults.

All the best.