To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

[FixItUpChappie]

Ah! I feel so wound up on your behalf

[DoJo]

I'll join any posse that is forming to give your MIL, you husband and any member of that family a piece of my mind (and a half brick in a sock if they try anything!).
If it helps, you can think of emotional blackmail in the same terms as any other blackmail - if you give someone what they ask for, then it will never stop as there is no incentive for it to stop. Why would someone settle for £100 when they could get £1000? Why would she settle for you being out for one visit when she could demand that you go away for the weekend? Why would she settle for a weekend when she could insist that you leave your children for a week? How long before she is telling your husband to kick you out of your home permanently to suit her? It's a slippery slope and you need to be a role model for your children and show them that people who behave like she does do NOT get their own way. The very best of luck - if you could give a vague idea of where in the country you are then perhaps a literal task force could be the answer.

[Editededition]

Joanne - I am not sure if you will have a chance to read posts again before your conversation this evening, but if you do, try to remember just a couple of things.

Firstly - if it seems that you are being made to feel unreasonable at any point, just remember the 200 posts here. Every single one of which says that your view is the right view. Not something you need to compromise on. Or appease anyone about. Or negotiate over.
YOU ARE RIGHT
Not half right. Not a bit right. Not a 'lets compromise on it' right.
Just plain RIGHT.
Every single woman (and a man or two) here, agrees with YOU!

Secondly, whatever final approach is put forward do not agree unless you are 100% comfortable with it

You are already the bigger person as so many people have said, because you are prepared to tolerate ever seeing this vile MIL again.
Just smiling and saying she is welcome to visit whenever, is being the bigger person.
Your MIL is the person causing the entire situation. The person who will not budge. The person who wants it her way all the way.
MIL is the one who needs to sort herself out. NOT YOU
Show your husband this one sentence, if you don't want to show him the whole thread.

I know you must be feeling very very tired.
It may even seem that even though we are trying to help, here, we are just adding more 'pressure'
I am sure most people here would agree, when I say that we don't want you to feel pressured by this thread.
We just want you to feel empowered.
To know that you are right
And that the way forward lies in staying strong for just a bit longer.

Where is your Mum, Joanne? Can she be on the end of a phone for you, tonight?

All thoughts with you.
Please let us know how it goes.
Have several for sutch courage

[Joanne279]

I can honestly say that your messages have overwhelmed me :) the support has been fantastic and the unanimous verdict has truly given me strength :)

Dp and I have sat down and wrote a brief letter together. When mil is free, dp is going to take the letter and read it out to her so she can't pull the 'ill read it later' routine!

We have put how ill this has made is both feel and we need our feelings known. We've said she needed to be more patient when dd was a newborn but feel now her relationship with the kids needs to come above her hatred for me.

We've said she needs to come here first so bond with dd (10.5 months) in dds home and therefore comfortable environment. EVENTUALLY, we will expand to the park, play centre etc and her home, if I'm made welcome. We've said I'm not going out of my home for her, but I have said I agree to give her a bit of space on her FIRST visit by doing a few jobs round the house, and popping in the room occasionally. ANY other visits I will go WHERE I like, WHEN I like, in MY house!!!!!

We've invited her to dds 1st birthday party but said if this letter doesn't change her mind, the door will always be open when she is ready.

How am I feeling? MUCH more chilled :)

I don't think she'll come up, but dp is happy we've agreed this together. Ill do my best to support him if she doesn't come up because he is truly gutted and deeply upset (even though he sucks at standing up to her).

He felt like he had to choose between keeping me happy or keeping her happy. I've tried to explain that if we did a letter with an offer that was fair to all parties and we were both happy with, the only person faced with a choice, would be her.

Have I made a good choice?

I cannot thank you enough everyone x

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

If you are feeling better, then that's great

I think you have done the best you can in a difficult situation. You have been more reasonable than I would have been!

[WafflyVersatile]

You sound so much better!

Is he going to read it and leave as soon as he has? If he stays she will weedle away at him. I'd recommend reading, saying I'll leave it here for you to look over and walking out without saying anything else or giving her a chance to speak.

[FanjolinaJolie]

I would be very concerned that this will simply open a negotiation for her to vary the terms.

[Joanne279]

Nope :) dp and I have agreed this is the limit. We both feel its fair and reasonable and NOT up for negotiation! :) x

[Retroformica]

Can you trust your DH to read the letter to her?

[Chocolatehunter]

You need to ring your MIL and actually have a calm and controlled conversation with her. She was VU in the first place but it seems that other family members are getting involved bow and that can only increase the tension in the situation as they might actually enjoy having your problem to play with and take sides on. Your dh wants his mother to be involved then you should all be prepared to sit in a neutral place together and talk things out. Certainly don't leave your own house that only fuels the argument that you were in the wrong, which you weren't. If you mil cant sit down and discuss this then that's her problem and she abdicates her grandparent duties as a result but give it a go first.

[pigsDOfly]

You sound so much better Joanne.

As Retroformica said though, I too would be concerned about DP actually reading the letter to her. Perhaps he should do it on the phone so that you can listen in on an extension. Whatever, you need to make sure he reads it to her.

You need to think of yourself now and your health.

Please keep us updated. Stay strong.

[diddl]

TBH, I don't think that she deserves to see your children.

It's all very much about her having a relationship with them & she doesn't sound like someone who I would inflict on my worst enemy!

[Didactylos]

Joanne you sound a little less unhappy tonight?

I think talking with your DP and getting him to write/agree/read the letter was a good idea
I looked for the other mad 'I want to take over your kids and husband' mil thread I remember and how it worked out
(I really hope I didn't link this on your last thread, I suspect I occasionally repeat myself but its worth a read for ideas on how to handle her, and what she might do next)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/642468-I-39-ve-just-received-a-text-from-MIL-which

[Damnautocorrect]

Well done, it sounds good clear and also she can't manipulate it as easily.
She'll try and negotiate but you've agreed your limits together and that's the key a united front

[Lilacroses]

Hi Joanne, I remember your previous posts. Sorry things have not improved for you....however, your chat with you DH sounds productive. It goes without saying that this suggestion is outrageous. Some people are unbelivable though! DP and I are currently being held to ransome by a neighbour of ours that sounds as manipulative and unreasonable as your mil! It is maddening beyond belief! I wish you much luck.

[Jux]

Hope it goes well, Joanne. As long as you and dh present a united front you'll be OK.

[Dubjackeen]

You sound so much more positive, and I am so glad for you that you had that discussion. Can you keep a copy of the letter, if only to remind both of you to stay strong in the face of such unreasonable behaviour by M.I.L. The thread referenced above re 'text message received from M.I.L' is well worth reading. I think it helps sometimes to know that you are not alone, in these crazy situations, and to see how others came out the other side, often helped by MNetters. Take care, and stay strong.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Defo keep a copy of the letter, just in case.

I'm do glad your dh has not left you in it, but been an actual in it together kind of husband. Well done you too, lots of well dones!

Next thing is fingers crossed he follows through and sticks to his resolve in the face of his mother throwing all her toys ...

[Editededition]

So very pleased to hear you sounding stronger
You achieved a rare thing in getting a curmudgeon (or three) to worry about you, yesterday!!

This seems a real step forward, and I am so pleased you & DH are able to present a united front.
Hope you can enjoy a much more relaxed weekend, now.

[raisah]

No way. If she wants to see her gc then a neutral place like a park or museum.

Ask the person who suggested the idea to ask your MIL if the situation were reversed, would she have agreed to leaving her house so her own MIL could see her kids? I think you know what the answer is, say no to the entitled cow.

[microserf]

Good plan. Goodness me, your mil is pure poison. I can't believe how dreadful her behaviour is.

[Thumbwitch]

Joanne, you and your DH are feeling better - that tells you instantly that you've done the right thing.

She isn't going to like it, and she probably isn't going to come up to your house, but it IS then her choice entirely and she only has herself to blame.

Your DH needs to realise that his mother is being a vindictive cow here, and that there is no reason for you to knuckle under to her abusive ways. It's sad and will be hard for him because he's going to have to face the truth of just how bad his mother's behaviour is - I suggest he tries to get some counselling for this, or at least read the book about Toxic Parents.

[Joanne279]

Thanks everyone. BIL and his gf are going with dp who is happy to tell me that he's read the letter out and they're all going to tell her she needs to move on.

It may not 100% improve or stop her negotiating, but at leave then I've got proof she read it and others know I have tried x

[LegoCaltrops]

That sounds like a very reasonable plan. Don't be browbeaten into varying the terms though- if she doesn't like it, she doesn't come round. Simple. Well done for standing up to your DH & making him see sense. And well done to him too - it's a hard thing to do, stand up up to someone when you've spent your life appeasing them. Hopefully he will actually read the letter to her & having done that, won't find it so hard to stand up to her again.