To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Hope the letter reading went well. How did your MIL respond to it?

[MintyChops]

Hi Joanne, hope the letter reading went well, how did she respond?

[Editededition]

Hi Joanne -
just popped back to see how things went?
Thinking of you, and still brushing up my Churchill impression, just in case! lol

[Rockinhippy]

Really glad to see you are feeling so much more positive & that you have a plan & support from your DH & other family members, stick to your guns, this is a really good start.

I also second reading the other links & you & your DH familiarising yourselves with the "Toxic Parent Script" it is actually quite an eye opener & will help your DH cope better & not crumble WHEN his DM follows it to a tee - & she will -

my own DM, despite really having several serious health issues, still conjured up imaginary heart attacks & strokes to make people toe her line - in her case, as a diabetic, she would self harm by eating sugar rich foods & ending up in hospital - once there, the woman who was too ill to ever ring me, couldn't see to use her mobile phone etc, would suddenly be able to use that phone to ring me literally gloating that she was in hospital & had had a heart attack - on one occasion she had a heart attack AND a stroke - she had neither, the hospital had taken her in to monitor & sort out her very high sugar levels - very high because she stuffed herself full of sugar - on purpose

So preparing yourselves for this will only serve to strengthen your case with your DH

The other important thing that I can't stress enough if she's to be in you DDs life, is that you bring your DD up to understand that YOU are her parent, therefore YOU have the last say - do not be afraid to undermine your MIL to your DD, your DD needs to know that your MIL doesn't call the shots, you & DH do.

I say that as having know a lady who was too conditioned & afraid herself to adequately stand up to her bully of a DF & his side kick DM - even though she moved her family away, they took her to court for access to her son - ended up with DGP lavishing the boy with expensive gifts, court order to have him stay over during holiday & letting him do anything he wanted, all against the DMs will, mobile phone to young, dangerous sports, even a hand gun & shooting club at 8 years old - all designed to win favour & take control over the DS - my friend went through hell.



My own DM followed a similar pattern with my DD - parcels full of gifts every month, often stuff she knew i would never agree too - even a bra & pants set - at 5 years old boxes & drawers full of gifts waiting every time we visited - even bags & bags of sweets DD can't eat because of intolerance - given with comments such as - "I know you would like to eat these really, your mum is really mean not to let you, but you know I love you enough to buy them for you"

A chance conversation with my DD threw up something we as adults can too easily forget & my friend whose DS I mention above was shocked because it suddenly dawned her that it was the key to her own problems with her DS taking her DPs parenting over her own & had she realised sooner, she might have been able to save the situation.

My DD believed that because I was her mum & Nana was my mum,therefore in DDs words " Nana is in charge of us all" - I had the opportunity to explain that isn't how it works & as a result my own DD always knew I had the last say - NOT Nana


Something I realise has made things a whole lot easier than it could have been

[maddy68]

Tell her to feck off! Your children, your house her problem. She comes to see the kids if she wants your not stopping. Her but you will not be thrown out of your own home to enable this.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I hope the letter reading went well OP. Your DH is doing well to stand up to his mum after all these years - finally and he should have done it years ago - but it still can't have been easy for him.

[DidoTheDodo]

Just wanted to pop back to say I am glad you are feelig rather stronger today and that you and DH have sorted out a way forward.
You've been on my mind and I am still rooting for you!

[Thumbwitch]

Yes, Jux has a good point (I've just re-read the linked thread and its follow-up) - the toxic MIL did follow the script exactly after her DS stood up to her, and pulled the "unspecified heart problem" out of the bag. Luckily, the OP and her DH had forewarning of this, so it didn't "work" as a tactic.

You both also need to be aware of this possibility too; it's such a common tactic but it's just emotional blackmail to bring you back into line.

[binger]

Just read that your dh can't take them to hers. In that case I would tell her to bugger off unless you get an apology. There is no way I would be shut out my own home to accommodate someone else who disliked me for such an unreasonable reason.

[binger]

I wouldn't have her in my home but dh could surely take kids to her house, leaving you out of it altogether. I couldn't open my door in this scenario.

[DoJo]

You are so much more generous and gracious than I would be and I hope your husband appreciates that the concessions you are making are for his benefit and to enable him to have a relationship with his mother. Nobody should be treated the way she has treated you and your kids, and the fact that you are still willing to try and welcome her into your home is bordering on saintly! Having said that, I hope that she doesn't decide to take you up on your offer, because it doesn't seem like she adds anything to your lives, and I have a feeling that you would be much happier without her and her negativity, but if she does, at least you are now presenting a united front with your husband and family and can rely a bit more on them to stick up for you. Best of luck!

[TheDemonShedMaster]

I never normally post on MIL threads but felt compelled to say - it's them. Them. All them.

It is not reasonable to expect to separate a two week old baby from it's mother.

It is not reasonable for her to take it out on your other children because she didn't get your own way.

It is not reasonable to make you unwelcome in your own living space.

If you give in on this, what will she feel entitled to demand next time?

[Jux]

Did you read the other thread, Joanne? A couple of people posted summaries of likely reactions that MIL would come up with, one of which was illness. It is all part of the toxic parent's armoury to bring people back into line. One of the most common is some unspecified heart problem, which that MIL suddenly acquired.

The thread, and its continuation thread, are both well worth reading. If you are fully clued up you will know how to respond to whatever she throws next, and their will be something. It will help your dh too, to have advanced warning of the toxic parent script, and give him sensible responses to build with.

[pictish]

Good. That all sounds much better. I doubt the letter will have the desired effect on mil tbh, but even more importantly, you have your dh's support, and now that of your bil and gf. If mil kicks off, they will be able to see that this situation is plainly of her own orchestration, and not of your making at all.
I hope the stress eases significantly for you now. Fucking ridiculous that it ever needed to happen in the first place though. If she ever tries anything like that again, just cut her off until she can behave. Let her create at someone else.

[YouTheCat]

Good job!

More than reasonable and you sound so much happier.

[LegoCaltrops]

That sounds like a very reasonable plan. Don't be browbeaten into varying the terms though- if she doesn't like it, she doesn't come round. Simple. Well done for standing up to your DH & making him see sense. And well done to him too - it's a hard thing to do, stand up up to someone when you've spent your life appeasing them. Hopefully he will actually read the letter to her & having done that, won't find it so hard to stand up to her again.

[Joanne279]

Thanks everyone. BIL and his gf are going with dp who is happy to tell me that he's read the letter out and they're all going to tell her she needs to move on.

It may not 100% improve or stop her negotiating, but at leave then I've got proof she read it and others know I have tried x

[Thumbwitch]

Joanne, you and your DH are feeling better - that tells you instantly that you've done the right thing.

She isn't going to like it, and she probably isn't going to come up to your house, but it IS then her choice entirely and she only has herself to blame.

Your DH needs to realise that his mother is being a vindictive cow here, and that there is no reason for you to knuckle under to her abusive ways. It's sad and will be hard for him because he's going to have to face the truth of just how bad his mother's behaviour is - I suggest he tries to get some counselling for this, or at least read the book about Toxic Parents.

[microserf]

Good plan. Goodness me, your mil is pure poison. I can't believe how dreadful her behaviour is.

[raisah]

No way. If she wants to see her gc then a neutral place like a park or museum.

Ask the person who suggested the idea to ask your MIL if the situation were reversed, would she have agreed to leaving her house so her own MIL could see her kids? I think you know what the answer is, say no to the entitled cow.

[Editededition]

So very pleased to hear you sounding stronger
You achieved a rare thing in getting a curmudgeon (or three) to worry about you, yesterday!!

This seems a real step forward, and I am so pleased you & DH are able to present a united front.
Hope you can enjoy a much more relaxed weekend, now.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Defo keep a copy of the letter, just in case.

I'm do glad your dh has not left you in it, but been an actual in it together kind of husband. Well done you too, lots of well dones!

Next thing is fingers crossed he follows through and sticks to his resolve in the face of his mother throwing all her toys ...

[Dubjackeen]

You sound so much more positive, and I am so glad for you that you had that discussion. Can you keep a copy of the letter, if only to remind both of you to stay strong in the face of such unreasonable behaviour by M.I.L. The thread referenced above re 'text message received from M.I.L' is well worth reading. I think it helps sometimes to know that you are not alone, in these crazy situations, and to see how others came out the other side, often helped by MNetters. Take care, and stay strong.

[Jux]

Hope it goes well, Joanne. As long as you and dh present a united front you'll be OK.