To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

[pigsDOfly]

I also remember you original thread OP.

You sound very worn down over this. Please stick to your guns. As someone else said, if she comes to your house she comes with you there as your guest and she behaves herself, or she's not welcome.

DP should be backing you on this. She's totally unreasonable to have expected you to have handed over your 2 week old baby to her overnight.

You are in the right here OP. If you give in over this there'll be a whole raft of other demands she'll make and you'll end up giving in over those as well.

[Joanne279]

I know you're right but I don't know what to do :( I can't cope with the pressure. It's making me ill :(

I just want the pressure gone. I have to be honest as I know I can be on here, but I am actually seriously considering this just to put an end to it :( :( :( x

[Didactylos]

Joanne, you should not be in this situation, and you are not a doormat.
Can this woman not see shes being utterly unreasonable in either demanding unsupervised nights with 2 week old or in trying to arrange things so you leave your house and kids to facilitate her contact?

In some ways its not about MIL though
Talk to DP
this is his mother and his wife and children
he needs to show you some loyalty, and stop being so damn passive
is his mother usually like this? is he fearful/conflict avoidant/trained into just putting up with her behaviour?


you should not be put in the position of being the bad guy here and making the decisions not to let MIL be involved
he needs to go to his mother and say - Here mum, Ive made a family with Joanne279, thats my choice, and my relationship. We would like it if you were an involved grandmother but guess what - our kids, our rules -you are not their mother, Joanne is. She will not be creeping about her own house and pussyfooting around you - any contact will be as our guest, you are welcome. And sulking and manipulation through other relatives and threat of cutting contact is not going to get you your way.

And it might be pretty librating for your DP to stand up to her

[WafflyVersatile]

Tell them to back off with the pressure. All of them. She's sulking unreasonably. Tell them you're not interested in hearing about ideas to facilitate her in her ridiculous power play demands. If she wants to see them she can stop sulking and behave like a sensible adult. That is the last word on the matter and unless it's to tell you she's come to her senses YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING MORE ABOUT IT.

[Joanne279]

Dp won't stand up to her :( he can't bring himself to do it.

Found out yesterday he's been lying for months. I thought he'd been getting angry at her, telling her to sort it out etc. I was told she was considering apologising. But it's all lies. He made it up to buy him self time to convince her to come up. She REFUSES to accept she did snything wrong.

Her line of choice is 'I hate her. I want nothing to do with her. She took (baby's name) away from me!'

:( x

[pigsDOfly]

I think Waffly makes a good point OP. What about him taking them to see her.

You need to talk to him and get him to see sense and make him see what his mother's unreasonable demands are doing to you. You and your DC are is priority now, not his mother.

Take care of yourself.

[WafflyVersatile]

Is he taking the kids to see her?

[Joanne279]

My eldest suffers with OCD and anxiety. We don't feel it's acceptable to take the kids up there without me (I'm not welcome) as the kids will have to ask why. My eldest is incredibly sensitive and I don't want her in this negative situation x

[Didactylos]

theres a few threads on here in the past where mad relatives like this (sometimes MILs) have attempted to gain control of their childrens relationships/grandkids etc by similar tactics
MrsTs link is good - what is your DP thinking here - he wants his mum to be involved but in what role? given how shes behaving what does he want as an outcome? Does he think shes been reasonable? or is it just blind loyalty? does he get a hard time for not toeing the line?

[Joanne279]

Blind loyalty I think :(

I can't sleep. I feel sick with guilt like this is my fault :( x

[WafflyVersatile]

So you and your DP are at least in agreement about not visiting her without you?

If he will not stick up for you then you need to stick up for yourself. What I said in my other post about telling all parties, your DP and other family members that you are not interested in hearing about these ridiculous schemes so shut the fuck up. If they want to resolve matters they can work on talking some sense into your MIL. She's the one cutting off her nose despite her face so tell them to concentrate their efforts on her and leave you alone because you don't need this shit and nor do your kids. They say one word about it stop them short.

[WafflyVersatile]

It's not your fault.

[Waffling]

You're losing perspective. A crazy woman wants you to leave your house and children. You say no. That's all.

[Didactylos]

its not your fault
you are being manipulated
she demanded something unreasonable and then has sulked and played merry havoc with lots of peoples lives when she doesnt get her way

the reason you are up tonight feeling sick and guilty is because you are a normal, emotionally healthy adult who cares for others emotions, doesnt thrive on conflict and wants a good relationship with your extended family

Do you think shes up worrying about how Joanne, her son and grandkids feel - no shes badmouthing you to family members and continuing to twist things about to get her way

[Joanne279]

Yes dp and I agree we're not visiting her without me. But in not welcome. End of x

[Joanne279]

I've had to hear she cries herself to sleep and tells people she has no grandkids x

[Didactylos]

aye, right Joanne!
and whos damn fault is that then?
and whos bringing you these sad sob stories?
what do they gain by telling you this but to advance your MILs agenda
she sounds an expert on making herself out to be the victim here

'She took (baby's name) away from me!' - umm no, Im sure baby has a perfectly good mother, and needs that mother much more than night stays at grandmas at the age of 2 weeks. Baby was never yours to be taken away, and its telling that shes more concerned about her percived 'rights' and 'ownership' over baby, and how sad it all makes her feel than the actual needs of the child /children involved

[Didactylos]

I am starting to slur my typing and must go to bed soon
but send you terribly unmumsnetty hugs -
this is not your fault, dont give in to the pressures
Hope you get some sleep and keep posting

[FanjolinaJolie]

Joanne, this is not your fault.

What the family is suggesting is madness, and allowing your MIL to manipulate you.

If you agree to this you will regret it, it will be something else next time, she will speak negatively about you in front of your DC, all the while you are banished from your own HOME. Your DP is unsupportive and your MIL has no one to blame but herself if she is not seeing her grandchildren.

Toxic in the extreme.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Silly cow! She cries does she? And tells people she had no grandchildren? That's one of the most pathetic and laughable things I have ever heard.

You're caught up in it and feel overwhelmed but its a really, really simple. You are in the right and she is not. This request that she come to your house and you disappear would be met with a face like and a clear "don't be so utterly ridiculous! Now does anyone want a coffee?" if it were addressed to me. And how spineless is your dh ? His lack of action and cowardly behaviour has got you thinking this is all much worse than it actually is. No wonder your MIL keeps on tantrumming away what with everyone pussy footing round her and playing her silly games. The "I hate her she took "baby's name" away from me would be enough to ensure that she never got a civil word from me again.

You're going to have to be strong now, you are going to have to be the one that does not play the game and its honestly not as hard as you think because this whole situation is ridiculous. This is not the big deal they all think it is and your calm response and lack of drama will be what shows them all that MIL's ge is not being played anymore.

[Icedink]

She sounds like a toddler having a tantrum! You and your dp need to get your heads together on this, agree on how you're going to deal with her and stick to it. If he really wants to stay in contact with her maybe he could visit her on his own and tell her that shes welcome to come and visit you and the dcs when she apologises. He will probably have to repeat it like a broken record but she might back down when she realises that you are not a doormat. Please don't give in to her, her demands will only get more outrageous.

[Rockinhippy]

You need to get yourself & your DP over to the stately homes thread & look at the links on Narcassitic Personality Disorder & Toxic families - your MIL is very toxic & DP & the rest of the extended family are enabling her behaviour.


YOU ANBU - they ALL are, but MIL obviously has them all conditioned to jump through her crazy hoops, for the sake of your DCs you must not let her take control, they will suffer in the long run - trust me I KNOW

Your DP needs to wake up & grow a pair - I can appreciate that's not going to be easy for him, it never is, but he needs to decide who needs him looking out for them, his toxic DM, or his stressed out wife & young, innocent DCs -

he needs to ask himself - does he really want them growing up suffering the manipulation & control the way he has, or risk losing his family,

because sooner or later YOU, who hasn't grown up being conditioned to accept this toxic woman's toddler behaviour, will snap & realise you just cannot live this way, because you above all of the others know deep down it is not normal, but abusive behaviour & when that day comes you are going to walk away taking his DCs with you

He needs to wake up

Please show him this thread

[Joanne279]

I have snapped. I nearly left yesterday. This is wrong. I know it's wrong. My mum will kill me. My friends will look at me like I'm mental but im so out of my mind, I think it's me not being cooperative enough x

[Stropzilla]

Oh my god no its not you! Id be kicking him out for not standing up to mil. Don't be bullied. This is awful.

[Stropzilla]

Oh my god no its not you! Id be kicking him out for not standing up to mil. Don't be bullied. This is awful.