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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not even consider this?

240 replies

Joanne279 · 13/09/2013 00:03

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 13/09/2013 17:01

This arrangement is flatly ridiculous. She is trying to lord power and control over you still. If she wants to participate it needs to be on your terms. Make your boundaries clear and insist your DH deal with it.

Longtalljosie · 13/09/2013 17:02

Do you know what I would do? Invite her for Sunday lunch. Your DP can leave a message making it clear the invitation's from you both. If she starts saying no, Joanne has to be out of the house the answer is no, that's not going to happen. If she says no ask her to set a date she is free and then leave it.

FixItUpChappie · 13/09/2013 17:04

Argh!! Your DH needs a good slap. What a coward he's being. He needs to be set straight that YOU and the KIDS are his family now and need to be the priority.

FixItUpChappie · 13/09/2013 17:05

You cannot give in on this, despite the abysmal levels of pressure and rows and everything because IF you do, she will do this or similar again and again and again, because she Knows She Can.

^^This is very wise IMO

Loa · 13/09/2013 17:10

Don't let your DP bully you into a compromise - if you do end up feeling later that you have been- you can change your mind about it later. It's gone on 8 months - MIL and DP can wait on you and till you feel comfortable.

It might help to have your Mother or other relative/friend at house same time as your MIL - to offer you some support till you feel stronger and more able to cope with MIL. A meal would be a good way to achieve that.

Dubjackeen · 13/09/2013 17:10

Please please please remember that SHE chose to absent herself from the children's lives, and that is not the act of a loving grandmother. It makes me angry on your behalf that this is being presented to you as something she has to be cajoled into,i.e. 'no promises' that even if you go along with this outrageous demand, that she will be appeased. Words fail me. Please stay strong, don't let anyone convince you that you are the one in the wrong here. Get whatever support you need, and if your husband cannot see your point of view, please enlist whatever professional support you will both need. Look after your own health, and take care.

Mondayschild78 · 13/09/2013 17:10

I don't post often but I do when I see something I feel strongly about. So just wanted to say I agree with everyone else and many good points have been made, let these sink in and repeat them to yourself, DH and DH family as you need to. Have strength.

DontmindifIdo · 13/09/2013 17:11

I wouldn't say you should plan a final offer, more plan how you will deal with it, so agree, invite her over for lunch this weekend/next weekend like she was a normal person. If she refuses because you are there the answer your DP has to be brave enough to give is "ok, well that's your choice not to see your grandchildren." every month, issue another invite (again, acting like she's normal and there's no problem). Don't get in the angst.

Tell your DP you can't deal with the pressure, so you are just going to act like there isn't an issue rather than trying to accomodate it, and if that means your MIL decides she doesn't want to see your DCs,so be it - it's not your problem to fix - the problem is all in your MIL's head and no one but her can actually fix what's going on in her head, so stop trying!

DontmindifIdo · 13/09/2013 17:13

oh yes and agreed, when you have the converstaion with your DP, ask him directly, how he thinks chosing not to spend time with her DGC for 8 months is a sign that she loves them, say from an outsider's perspective it looks much more like she's using her relationship with them to punish you and DP, so doesn't care about them as people, ask him if he really thinks his Mum would be a good influence on your DCs?

Loa · 13/09/2013 17:15

Oh and going to a different room while she visits should not even be considered as an offer to her.

TBH - I'd make her wait and come to you and she'll be more willing to compromise and just refuse to discuss the situation even with your DP for a while.

I've read your previous posts - unusual for me - I'd be worried if you do offer a compromise that she'll use stopping contact with your DC in the future as a way of controlling you - which would upset your eldest - her step-GC even worse.

Jux · 13/09/2013 17:16

She is making a final offer? Cheek of it. Unless it's a full apology, remorseful, and accompanied by the resolution to never behave so badly again.

DameFanny · 13/09/2013 17:24

You're had so much good advice on this thread I can only add good luck and crossed fingers Flowers

NorfolkIngWay · 13/09/2013 17:28

The only "offer" you should consider is that she is free to come to yur house at anytime.THE END.
If you allow yourself to be manipulated now it will never end.

Your husband needs his arse kicking for even thinking it is ok to send his wife out of the house Hmm

Jux · 13/09/2013 17:29

You and your children are far better off without her in your lives anyway, so she should be begging and pleading and jumping through hoops to prove she deserves the honour.

Please don't agree to anything - anything at all - this evening. Take it all "under advisement" so that you can think about whatever solution is put forward properly and make a good decision, rather than a rushed or coerced one.

Think about it for a few days - it's been 8 months so a few days more won't matter. Query everything, and check for rationality with your friends or family or us. Listen to what people who are on your side have to say about this last offer, consider carefully the long term ramifications, and then decide.

I know you are desperate for this to be over, but it won't be because if she gets what she wants this time, she'll just do it again and again forever. If you accept a half-arsed compromise just to put an end to things, you'll be miserable anyway.

The certain way to stop it is not to engage at all. When she wants to behave like an adult, when all her family behave like adults, then engage. Otherwise, don't give any of them head space. And tell your dh to do the same.

PomBearArmy · 13/09/2013 17:34

You don't like her, she doesn't respect you and you have a very sensitive child who doesn't need stress - celebrate the fact that she doesn't come over! Throw a party!

Then make it clear that she is banned from your home. If she is painting you as an evil cow anyway, you may as well live up to it! She doesn't HAVE to be in your life, she's not your mother. Your DP can see her without you. I don't know why you are humouring this drama. You sound like a lovely person, but I think you need to put yourself and your kids first. Your DP said he was sorting things out but he wasn't. Stop letting this non-issue eat your life up. Your MIL is horrible, your kids won't be losing out by not having contact, in fact it's a positive thing from the sounds of it.

digerd · 13/09/2013 17:37

Your MIL's behaviour is disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself. Somebody must tell her some home truths instead of pandering to her. Any of your family capable of doing this OP?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 13/09/2013 17:40

That 'be the bigger person' thing is so bloody manipulative and nasty. Let me be another person to reassure you...

YOU ARE THE BIGGER PERSON for not letting them get away with treating you like shit in order to kowtow to the selfish MIL.

Don't let them persuade you that you need to sacrifice anything in order to 'compromise' or be kind. You are being the mother for your children, you are being the role model as a person, and as a family...

Families do not behave like this, they don't push the mother out so mil can rule the roost, they value and treasure each other. Mothers don't get treated like shit eachother. Children don't see their mothers ejected from their own house...

Remember this please. You aren't selfish or mad or wrong. They are living this really unbalanced lie, that Mil is centre of everyone and she can make up a fantasy world to make everyone bow to her.

Good luck tonight.

NorfolkIngWay · 13/09/2013 17:51

OP adopt a standard neutral phrase" MIL is always welcome to come round" and repeat it if anyone brings up MIL. Just state that and dont be drawn into further conversation.
Its called the broken record technique and stops the "can you" " if only you" manipulation attempts.

sisterofmercy · 13/09/2013 17:57

It is not often the mumsnet massive are united in one voice but that voice is ROARING for you Joanne.

Your instincts are right on this, you are not the difficult one. You are standing up for yourself and the baby. You want your children to grow up with a healthy self respect and not to be vulnerable to bullies. You are leading by example.

You might not believe this right now but the fight you have put up is astounding and impressive. You rock.

Inertia · 13/09/2013 17:59

Joanne you are already being the bigger person.

Your H needs to start being a better husband and father.

Jux · 13/09/2013 18:05

I've just read one of your old threads - she called you an evil witch and a cuckoo Shock

Broken record.

Don't be browbeaten into anything.

Remember, you have hundreds of MNers sitting on your shoulder, bolstering you up, cheering you on, holding your hand.

JimminyBillyBob · 13/09/2013 18:08

Why would you even consider having someone so poisonous near your child Confused
Who has no respect for said child's own mother ?
Laughable notion.

As Norfolk said - just repeat "always welcome. Her choice."

SugarHut · 13/09/2013 18:11

All the best for tonight, don't allow yourself to be manipulated into anything ridiculous. MIL is not getting her own way, and playing the weeping victim card with big shiny crocodile tears. Idiot of a woman.

I can not agree more with the support you have been given, you absolutely are in the right. The more I think about what this must be like for you, the more outraged I get on your behalf.

Good luck x x x

Damnautocorrect · 13/09/2013 18:22

I honestly know how you feel, it's awful and like a cancer in your relationship eating away at every part of your relationship.
You need a big long discussion with your husband. I'm sure in a way he feels the same, its like your just existing with a massive elephant in the room.
In my case I had a massive tantrum, one a 2 year old would have been proud of. It worked, he cried, I cried and we talked. Previously is had my bags packed over it, now its a bit more calm we both know the score.
Honestly, talk its unhealthy for all of you. Tell him it will destroy you if he doesn't grow a back bone

FixItUpChappie · 13/09/2013 18:53

I think you need to lay it out for your DH how HE is making you feel and that really HE has responsibility for this situation because HE will not stand up for his immediate family and HE doesn't have his priorities straight and HE is ultimately destroying your relationship with HIS mother because of his unwillingness to deal with the situation.

Your MIL can behave however she wishes....its how your DH is handling it (um, not handling it) that is really the problem.

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