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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even consider this?

240 replies

Joanne279 · 13/09/2013 00:03

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
DoJo · 13/09/2013 09:10

Oh Joanne - what an awful situation and for you to feel as though it has tainted your first year with your baby is doubly vile. Is there anyone around who can support you, either just by coming over or that you could go to for a little while to get some perspective? The fact that you are starting to question yourself is worrying because you are SO OBVIOUSLY IN THE RIGHT. (Thought shouting might help to convince you! Grin).

pictish · 13/09/2013 09:13

Koala you'd have to get behind me in the queue! Grin

I am gagging to put this lot right. I think this is awful - they are all pie in the sky bonkers!
All together now... "AW HEYALL NO!"

Editededition · 13/09/2013 09:13

OK

ADs should be kicking in now, which will help a lot, but I think the next pro-active stage is to get just a little headspace for yourself, because despite the ADs ....the external tension level is not reducing for you.

Can you combine two things suggested here .....throw the major strop with your DH but then go stay with someone for a week (not actually leaving .... just taking a head holiday!!). Actually reinforce for him just how serious this situation has become in terms of your relationship.

I have read back over this thread and actually think the straw which is breaking the camels back over this is not the ridiculous suggestion that you leave the house so MIL can visit .....but that you discovered your DH had been lying about his support of you to MIL.
That is massive, and I am not surprised it has made everything seem so much more overwhelming.

Is going to stay with people who put you first, an option, for a few days.
Just while you recover some of your strength?

KoalaFace · 13/09/2013 09:14

Right I'll slap on some war paint and I'll be round. I'm thinking either William Wallace "Ya can take the piss! But ya cannae take my children!" Or Don Corleone "I'll make her an offer she can't refuse..."

myroomisatip · 13/09/2013 09:16

So. The antidepressants are a direct result of this situation?

Honestly, please get out of there. Go and spend as much time as you can with your Mum, or anybody normal! You are not coping with this and you need to take care of yourself.

Please.

KoalaFace · 13/09/2013 09:16

Oh good Pictish. I'll meet you there.

Editededition · 13/09/2013 09:19

Can I bring up the rear shouting "we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them ..."any bloody where!! Grin

RabbitsarenotHares · 13/09/2013 09:21

Have only skim-read the thread, so apologies if this has already been said, but would it be worth showing your DH this thread? There's a risk that he won't be happy you've aired this in public, but at the same time you have got unanimous support here (I think) and it might help him think twice.

FWIW you REALLY shouldn't give in to this idea. You are the matriach in your family, and what you say goes!

pictish · 13/09/2013 09:21

I've had to hear she cries herself to sleep and tells people she has no grandkids x

Seriously...it's a 'set phasers tae malky' situation. This woman needs taken the fuck in hand!

TeaAndANatter · 13/09/2013 09:22

Just read this thread. I'm so sorry for you. This is not the same as, but has the same underlying themes as, my first marriage, which I sadly made the choice when I was 24 to walk from as I couldn't manage my husband's repeated choices to prioritise his mother's wants over mine. It was a really horrid decision, but one I don't regret (35 now, with fab husband for last few years). I'm not suggesting this is the choice for everyone (obv!), but in the end I had to recognise that my main problem wasn't with my MIL (although she was truly awful), but that my husband wouldn't stick up for me and I'd live my life lurching from one demand to the next. She didn't speak to me on my wedding day, and we still all had to join in the charade that she'd been too 'hurt' to after I refused to let her book a room in our honeymoon hotel for a 'family break' for the few days after the wedding. She didn't apologise even when it meant not seeing our newborn son, and the same 'stories' about me started going through the wider family. It got too much, and after 18 months of it, I realised I wanted my life back. I hope it doesn't come to that for you, and wish you all the very best for your future x

KoalaFace · 13/09/2013 09:23

I like that Edited it's rousing.

Joanne honestly I'd love to come and fight in your corner. Is there anyone in your life that you can get some support from? Someone to be on your side and reassure you that you are not being unreasonable? It's too much for anyone to put up with all the people around them telling to get in line and just keep Psycho MIL happy.

pictish · 13/09/2013 09:25

Oh tea - that's dreadful, but you are of course right. You made the correct decision.

I too agree that your husband is paramount OP. If you haven't got his support, it's fucked. Sad

RabbitsarenotHares · 13/09/2013 09:26

Of course, you could agree to this plan and go out, but we'll be there in your place, and will point out to your MIL quite what a horrible evil b*h she is being. Trust me, after we've all had our say she'll be begging you to be there!

MintyChops · 13/09/2013 09:27

Joanne, you were entirely right to allow your MIL to sulk for the last 8 months and entirely right to say "No" to her having your DD overnight at 2 weeks old. It takes a lot of strength to do what you have done.

I'm not surprised you are so low and conflicted about it all now, so much pressure for so long is terribly wearing. It must be tempting to agree to this insane proposal because you think it might "fix" everything. It won't. It will, however, put you in the role of "the problem that had to be removed to let dear MIL see her GCs". Please try to find some extra strength to say NO once again.

I wonder how you would feel about getting your Mum to speak for you at a family meeting as per pictish's suggestion? If you are feeling so overwhelmed (understandably so) then maybe you need that support in order to stand up for yourself.

So sorry for you to have this going on. Un-MN (((hug)))

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 13/09/2013 09:31

I would come and fight your corner too. They are all being outrageous.

Keep telling yourself "I have done nothing wrong" because you haven't.

I know it will be hard to stay strong because MIL will have a lifetime of experience in manipulation. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your family.

If you would like me to have a word with your DH about manning the fuck up, then let me know.

ThanksThanks

pictish · 13/09/2013 09:34

I just feel that if you state your case politely, pleasantly yet firmly for once and for all (with your mum on side), then you can finally feel as though you have done everything you could, and behaved impeccably.
No one (in their right mind) could then ever accuse you of unreasonableness, unwillingness to communicate, or any snidey or bad behaviour.

If nothing else, you will be able to hold your head up high and say 'well..it's not me!'

If after that event, you are still reviled and pressured, then you may have to think about removing yourself and your children from their collective madness.
It's your life, and you only get one.

Longtalljosie · 13/09/2013 09:34

You know this problem is really with your DP, don't you? Is there any way you can get him to appreciate you and his child should be his main priority?

WiddleAndPuke · 13/09/2013 09:37

"Set phasers tae Malky" - that's made me laugh so much and I don't even have a clue what it means Grin

littletreesmum · 13/09/2013 09:43

This reply has been deleted

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Notmadeofrib · 13/09/2013 09:43

joanne279 you are lucky you are balanced enough to realise this utter lunacy is just that - lunacy.

You refuse to let her have your 2 week old baby:

normal reaction -. Oh that's fine dear I just thought it might give you a night to catch up on sleep. Would coming round to you and letting you go back to bed help?

An 8 month sulk is totally bonkers! (Even if you'd shouted and screamed your refusal quite frankly)

I know this, you know this, everyone here knows this, but your DP needs to realise that this is not how normal people behave and MIL is very very strange.

I wish you all the strength and luck in the world and I hope your DP finds this too.

johnworf · 13/09/2013 09:46

Your MIL is unreasonable, without doubt. However, I think the crux of the matter is that your DH SHOULD be supporting you!!! Why is he lying to you??? He needs to grow some and tell his mother to back off.

No way should you let her come into your home. All her terms. No fucking way.

Keep strong xxxx

CoolaSchmoola · 13/09/2013 09:50

Joanne PLEASE tell your mum.

Yes she will go mad because that is what any normal person would do. But through that she will show you that you are NOT in the wrong. At all.

You are being so badly pressured and bullied by your IL's and your DH is not supporting you. You NEED someone completely on your side to keep reaffirming what you know - that you have done nothing wrong, and that they are being massively unreasonable. You are ground down because you are fighting all of them alone, and you've just found out that your DH has been lying about supporting you. You need someone on your side.

Your mum will get mad because their behaviour is utterly appalling. You need some of that to rub off on you.

YouTheCat · 13/09/2013 09:51

I think an email to the suggesters of this nonsense would be an idea. Just simply state that you've thought it over and will not be leaving your own home to facilitate your MIL and that she is more than welcome to come and visit your children when you are in.

Keep it short. Don't bother giving reasons because you don't have to justify your decision. That way the offer is there, you are being entirely reasonable and if she doesn't come you have done all you can.

Any further idiocy from the ILs should be met with 'The invitation is there'.

I'd also like to lend my phaser to the cause, though it is currently set to 'Get to fuck'. Grin

olgaga · 13/09/2013 09:54

If your weak, disloyal DP can't support you fully in this insane situation I don't see any future for your relationship.

He's your real problem - not her. If it wasn't for his mealy-mouthed fence sitting this could have been firmly resolved months ago.

This has taken a terrible toll on your health. Your children deserve better than to see their mother banished from their home! How on earth can that be in their best interests?

Your Mil's behaviour is deeply regrettable but that can and should be ignored.

Your DP's behaviour, however, is frankly unforgiveable.

mameulah · 13/09/2013 09:57

YANBU X about a million!

Good luck, and don't back down.

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