To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

Joanne I think you are more than strong enough to get through this.

You've done nothing wrong, you've taken a positive step with the ADs - the best option now is to distance yourself, either physically or emotionally by refusing to engage with the batshits until the ADs kick in and you feel even STRONGER.

Could you just try and put it all on hold for at least a fortnight? Avoid all contact/discussion and immerse yourself in something else - gardening, ebaying stuff, springcleaning, anything which distracts you and exhausts you physically so you can sleep.

Hang on in there, you are the sane one!

I've only read your op.
I'd tell her to fuck off.

Now I shall read the rest of the thread!

Nothing but sympathy here OP :( Unfortunately you are being asked to enable this woman's behaviour when she is used to getting her own way. You are the one who is having to say no to her and that's not fair - her own children (caught up in FOG) need to say no but don't know how.

All you can do is tell your DH how you feel. As others have said ask him directly: do you think your mother loves our children? Because if you did, do you really think she would have refused to see them for 8 months? If she did she would have done anything to see them, not boycotted them because she was pissed off with you.

And agree with trying to get some time out. Can you go and stay with your own family or friends for a few days, just to get a change of scene? And to remind yourself that you have other people who love you?

What a horrible, horrible situation.

You ARE being the bigger person by not agreeing to her ludicrous suggestions. It is very very unfair of your DH to even suggest you do this - I bet at the time, he was all for his 2 week old going round just to keep the peace eh?

I also think you should tell your mum. You need someone to be on your side and I am really sickened that your DH isn't. What a bell.

Only read first page but I would absolutely not agree to this, she is clearly very irrational and although I am sure you trust your dp I think her having time with your children without you surely can't be making you feel very comfortable?
I agree with the poster who said the only sensible solution is your mil stops sulking, I don't know many people who would allow a two week old baby to stay away from them overnight!

What's that fabulous Mums Net quote??? Oh yes, you need to tell her/them to "Fuck off to the far side of fuck(and not come back)".

How absolutely outrageous YADNBU.

She'll either get over it or she'll not. She's the one sulking. She's actually an adult. It's her that's missing out & it will be her fault if she has no relationship with her DGC.

Stick to your guns, this is not your problem.

If you give in to her insane demands now, you are effectively signing up for a lifetime of it. Say no, mean no, and then tell your DP that if he doesn't grow a spine sharpish you'd be better off alone. Because you would.

Posted long post and lost it

Was basically saying that the phrases being the "bigger/ better person" or "anything for an easy life" sent shivers down my spine as I got all those too! So turned it on my DH and agreed indeed I did need to be better person and hence learn to be a better parent but couldn't when under such stress from all angles so we agreed a moratorium on all in-law issues as far as possible and i started counselling. Things became harder for DH initially as he became "piggy in the middle" between me (who had stopped trying to keep in laws happy) and them as he was still stuck in that rut of aiming to keep them happy but once I firmly and logically stood my ground he couldn't really argue anymore as if he couldn't use the guilt trip as his argument for getting me to do something he had nothing else! And bit by bit out family unit became his priority over his family and he learnt how to say no and set up boundaries too!

Point is - stop the blame game. Yes it may be MIL's fault or Dh's fault but so what - you can't change other people! But what you can change is your feelings of guilt and counselling will work wonders for that!!

Seriously, I am so furious for you. I'm joining Koala and pictish and the others - I am 37 weeks pregnant and ready to unleash hell if required.

How DARE they treat you like this?

Please, please get some RL support about this, be it from your DM, a sister, your GP. It's absolutely outrageous and it is making you so ill.

Sorry I don't have time to read the whole thread but NO, DON'T DO IT!

I have a not dissimilar situation with DH's sister. Last Christmas she suggested (via DH) that she, her semi-estranged husband (long story, don't go there), two children and my MiL would only come for their usual Christmas visit weekend before Christmas, huge five course meal etc) if I left the house AFTER I'd prepared the food as she no longer wanted to see me!

DH just laughed and said that was totally unreasonable and something he wouldn't consider for a second. He cited my feelings, us being a whole package and the message it would send to DC.

I don't mind DH and DC going out occasionally without me and seeing her but no visits here with me out and no visits to his family without me. We now see MiL separately and they've seen his sister twice in a year. Interestingly her eldest is now at uni and contacting me independently.

Our DC know it's DH's sister's choice and that I'm not stopping them seeing them. It is tough on them in some ways as DD in particular was fond of her aunt yet she chose to not even send a birthday card this year. Children do understand that friends fall out and that people can be unkind for no reason. Sad life lesson really for them and my life is easier.

OP, I know you can see from this thread that it is your MIL who is so wrong, as indeed is whoever is putting this proposal to you. Please please please enlist your mum's support. Give your poor head some space, if you can, away from this, even for a weekend, to get your thoughts in order. I sense that they are wearing you down. This is so wrong. Obviously her family are used to enabling this behaviour, and it is very tough when you are the only one who can see that this is a ridiculous idea. Once again, this is about control, nothing more, nothing less. Your husband has to be on your side, in this. If he is not, you need to have a long talk with him. My heart goes out to you.
You are strong, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. get your mum over, or go and stay with her (with your children)for a few days, get a break from this pressure.

once I accepted I was always going to be in the wrong I coped better.

^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^

she'll be slagging you off to our DC and DH and causing yet more problems.

^^^AND THIS^^^

My own DM did exactly this, turning on my then 8 year old DD when she stood up for me as been "as bad as your mother" - no more overly lavish gifts for you & refused to speak to her again too
(until her death bed when we made our peace & she apologised for all she had done)

Your DH isn't supporting you at the minute - it may be he can't at the moment but that does need to change.

^^^AND THIS TOO^^^^

thse are all absolutely spot on - take a break away from this & recharge your batteries surrounding yourself with NORMAL people with your best interests at heart

Well I'm wondering where her son is in all of this. It is his role to break the apron strings of his mother and to tell her what he wants and expects of her. His first priority is you, then the kids, then her and if he's failed to grasp this I recommend you buy him Iron John. In particular I recommend he reads the part where the boy has to steal the key from under his mothers pillow to break free. This has a feel of having less to do with you and more to with a weak boy not standing up to his mother. Take him to the muppets movie if he isn't a reader or get him to watch Am I a man or a muppet on youtube! This just doesn't seem like a battle you should be in at all. You can't "man up" on his behalf!

We have quite the posse now Joanne!

Shall we start forming a plan?

Tell your spineless DP that it is time for HIM to be the better person.

And that means not pressuring the mother of his children to put up with this kind of shit from his mother.

What his family is asking of you is absolutely outrageous.

The "better person" is not the person asking a woman to leave her home so that someone who hates her can see her children.

Dear Lord, what a bunch of arsewipes your DH's family is.

You cannot give in on this, despite the abysmal levels of pressure and rows and everything because IF you do, she will do this or similar again and again and again, because she Knows She Can.

So. Killing though it is, she is going to have to either miss out on her grandchildren or stop behaving like the spoilt selfish bitch she is.

As for your DH, he isn't any better than the rest of them. He's letting his mother walk all over you, and him, and your children - for what reason?

No love, this isn't right and you mustn't do it.

And frankly, if this is the sort of behaviour she is prone to, your DC are better off not having her in their lives. No one needs this sort of model to learn from and you can't let her near your DC when you're not around or she'll be filling their ears with poison about you.

I really hope your DH sorts out his priorities pronto, because this is all down to him not protecting you or his DC from his toxic mother - while it's primarily her fault for being a toxic mother, he's pandering to it so it's now his fault too.

Love and strength to you. xx

Joanne,
I'm a daughter, a DIL, a mum, a gran and a MIL.
And in NONE of those roles does your situation make an iota of sense.

As everyone else has said, your MIL is unhinged and awful and this is NOT your fault.

I'll join the "sort her out team" in a heartbeat.

YADNU I have no children but can tell you my response to the in-laws would be 'over my dead body' and your DH needs to find the balls to tell them all to fuck off.

Please don't make yourself ill over this family, they are not worth it and you need to be well to look after your DCs. Just say NO which, as they say on MN, is a complete sentence.

Good luck

If you give in, it's tant amount to saying you were in the wrong in the first place( which I don't think you were- 2 weeks, is she for real?), so I wouldn't agree to that. What I might do is ask to have an up front conversation with her, DP also present. Express how you feel she is missing out on seeing her GC grow up, and that you are willing to extend an olive branch. I would not be willing to get out of my own house to accommodate her childish whim, I'd be too worried to leave her alone with your DC as she might be filling their heads with nonsense about you.

Agree totally with everyone else, this is a ludicrous demand and it's NOT your problem, it's hers. If she wants to see her grandchildren exactly on her terms or she's going to take her bat home and cry herself to sleep...... well she can get on with that, and the best of British luck to her. Good grief, a therapist would have a field day with her. Do you really, when you think about it outside the guilt and stress, feel you want to expose your children to this kind of manipulation and stress in your home?

I would guess your DP grew up trained to keep her appeased at all costs (survival behaviours), and earn her love like a good boy - goodness knows how else a child would cope with a mother like this. I agree with other posters that he needs counselling to support him seeing how conditioned he is to prioritise her wants and where he actually WANTS his priorities to lie as opposed to the Do Not Upset Mum programming she's laid down so well. He's been bullied and he's very well trained to facilitate it. I think that's something you may need to face him with; he needs to make his choice about who has his first loyalty.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I have some idea of how horrible it is. I watched my father's mother do this to him for a few years when I was small, his mother was abusive in a very naice kind of way and expected to keep on controlling him after his marriage, and my parents supported each other to manage as long as they could until finally they drew a line in the sand. I didn't see her again until I was 19. I still don't visit or have feelings for her, however nice she was to me I knew perfectly well this was the woman who was rude to my mother and utterly horrible to my father, and my siblings and I loathed her.

Stand strong, this is HER problem, HER behaviour, don't let her convince you its yours.

It is complete nonsense, Joanne. No one, but no one, would hand over a 2 week old baby to stay overnight with anyone, except in the direst of circumstances.

If you give in now, what will it be next?

Just ignore. Tell dh that the subject is closed and he can deal with it however he likes, but you're no longer interested. Tell the rest of the family that you don't want to hear any more about it. If they want to talk about it they do it in their own time, in their own space.

The decision is made. NO MORE.

If she want to stop sulking, then she can. If she doesn't then she'll go on. It doesn't bloody matter because they are your children and you make the decisions.

Your real problem is what you do about your h, who has lied to you for months, through cowardice. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Dear Lord I had no idea families could be this disfunctional.

OP you were perfectly correct not to let your 2 week old baby go away for an overnight without you. Even asking for that makes your MIL bonkers. Being aggrieved because of being refused is practically certifiable. You would be entirely reasonable to get an injunction against this woman to keep her out of your children's lives. You being willing to let her see them at all makes you an absolute angel of tollerance. Getting you to jump through extra hoops to get HER to forgive YOU is ridiculous. Laugh at the very suggestion. Make it clear that if MIL is willing to treat you in a civilised manner she will be welcome in your home, but unless she drops this idiocy she's got only herself to blame for any unhappiness she may be experiencing.

Op can you show your DH this thread? Maybe he will see how ridiculous he is being

Thank you everyone. We're going to sit tonight and discuss one last final offer which doesn't include me being booted out of my own home. Keep you posted and thank you for your immense support x x x x x