To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

Joanne you have so much support on this thread, I really hope that it gives you the strength you need to tell them all do just "do one" & for the sake of your DCs, & your sanity, perhaps that also includes your DP.

These sorts of toxic family dynamics can ve very very damaging - trust me I know, I come from one - others have already pointed out that giving in to your MIL won't appease her, but will only serve to have her up the anti with ever more increasingly outrageous & frankly nuts demands on you.

She doesn't come from POV of needing her own way over this incident, but from needing the drama that keeps her as the centre of attention & playing the feigned victim, she has deep seated emotional problems & sadly won't ever be able to see the situation from any other than her own POV, that's sadly just how NARCs work & her demands will simply become more & more outrageous as its about proving she is in control & at the centre of your DHs world, not hers - it's well known that NARC DMs become worse after the birth of GDCs - mine certainly did - (god rest her troubled soul).

What you do need to establish though, is what role your DH takes in the family dynamics - there is always one DC that is the " golden child" & another that is the "scape goat" more than 2 siblings can have other dynamics at play.

Is your DP the son who can do no wrong, or is he the one who can do no right? (though still stuck in the mould of appeasing his DM) or do his siblings take these roles?? & he plays a supporting role all round??

The role he has thrust on him will affect how you can deal with him in this & what hope there is in you getting him onside

"Centre of her works, not yours"

YANBU - this is an insane situation. What an awful, entitled, manipulative woman you are dealing with.
Don't cave. I hope the ADs have kicked in. Is there anywhere you can go and stay forever a few days with DC?

Also, talk to your mum. Sounds as if she'll fight your corner.

Do go back and see your GP again, tell him/her all the details. You are being horribly bullied.

I am so sad that not even your own family or DH are standing up for you.

It actually sounds abusive.

She has no right to see your children. She had no right to take a 2 week old away from its parent.
Who cares if she cries herself to sleep over something that is her doing. Of course she shouldn't see your children without you present if she "hates" you.

Your DH needs counselling to help him see where his loyalties should lie, and how unhealthy and abnormal all this is.

World - damn you autocorrect

P.S. - I agree with you taking a holiday from all this stress & surrounding yourself with more rational, less damaged people - sometimes if people won't listen, making them " feel" it can work wonders.

Though do be careful, you may have to play your MIL at her own game as far as your DP goes, or risk her taking you taking a break, as an opportunity to poison him against you. He is condition since birth to respond to her guilt, that sadly will be your best weapon as far as getting him onside goes.

It may not seem fair to make him feel guilty over you too, but he needs to see the damage this causes you & both of your DCs, so don't hold back, sob, be honest, tell him that you & DC love & need him badly, but that you are drowning under the weight of his family & their skewed views in the role his DM plays in the family dynamics & that you need to be strong to be a good mum to your child, as this is not only affecting you, but her too & you need him to understand that & support you through taking a break.

Be Strong, you are the sane one in this xx

I've read this thread with my jaw dropping lower and lower in horror.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I'm a hobby cow too, so happy to join the team in your corner telling her to fuck the fuck off.

You need someone on your side so please tell your Mum. Show her this thread if that would be easier. And I know you feel worn down now but think of the long game. If you stand your ground now then hopefully once she sees she can't control you it will be the last big fight. If you give in prepare for this to happen again and again over other ridiculous perceived slights.

Please please please take a step back and breathe. I see a lot if people telling you to have meetings, send emails etc and I am sure that all seems way too overwhelming at the moment. Firstly can I say I would gladly do a "koala" on it to and go in there and tell them where to go but obviously not practical BUT you should know I was you and believe it or not your DH aswell - had the double whammy of narcissistic DM and MIL - and it all came to a head when 2nd DD was born! That was 3 years ago and today after plenty of counselling I could easily do 10 rounds with any narcissist and WIN. All you need to know right now is yes you are right and no you can't change your DH or his family and that doesn't make him bad just "conditioned" by his family or years. So no don't give in but please take that first step and google some counselling services in your area and take control back for you!!! Since I hit rock bottom 3 years ago literally weeping on the floor of my hallway with the stress of trying to keep everyone but me happy, life has changed dramatically! And the funniest thing is my MIL or my DM hasn't changed but that doesn't matter!!! What you need is to understand and believe in your needs, rights and boundaries - once that happens it doesn't matter what other people say or do - you will be like anyone else on here saying they are just "batshit crazy" and laugh at it and ignore. You need to get to a place where you don't car what they think because believe me then the stress and worry magically disappears!! So step 1 on this issue know you are right and "fake it til you make it" in terms of your fundamental belief that this will not happen. Step 2 get yourself some counselling and keep going until you too can laugh at the absurdity of this situation because I promise it will happen - it happened to me and still happily married to someone who "occasionally" still tries to placate his DM but that isn't my problem so doesn't stress me out as if it is anything that would effect me or DDs I just say no (and repeat as often as necessary) and don't care otherwise.

Good luck and hang in there - you are right!!!

Joanne I'm so sorry for you
you are in the right, absolutely!
I don't know if it's any help to you, but could you talk to your DH, and tell him that by giving in to your MILs demands, there's a real risk down the line that there won't be ANY relationship between MIL and your DC?
Just from my own experience: My dad's mum was a toxic woman, really vile. Think constant undermining my mum, constantly critizicing, wailing that my mum had taken her DS (my dad) away from her etc. My dad never stood up for my mum. They had blazing rows over her behaviour.

When I was old enough (14-15 I think) I entirely opted out of the relationship with my grandmother. Over the next ten years I saw her ONCE, never called, never wrote cards. The next time I 'saw' her was at her funeral...
Do you think your DH could understand that that could be the consequence of letting MIL get her way?
I'm really so sorry for the situation you're in, please don't give in to her demands.

"Keep" is spot on,my DD is only 10, but she has already opted out of a relationship with my Narc DB (he was the golden child & it can get passed down) - completely her own choice as his toxic bile was sadly affecting her too as he was trying to use her to prove my (perceived) poor parenting skills.

dont engage at all - step away, BREATHE, but keep your DP in the loop & explain your POV as I've written above

I am so angry for you. Heart breaking. God, I'd LOVE to give her a piece of my mind. So grateful for my MIL, I had one like yours before. Fucking nightmare. Big contributor tears the breakdown of my family.

Great advice from heretohelpGB

So sorry you're finding yourself in this situation Joanne. You're right that you're not being shown 1% consideration in this. You're a new mum, your husband should be putting you first.

Have you asked your DH why you are not being shown any consideration?

You are being asked to leave your home and your child (a major, major ask) to solve an issue that you didn't cause to placate the person that did create the problem. Where is her compromise? This for you is more than a compromise - it's making you unwelcome in our home and around your child.

You're feeling so understandably fragile, YOU need your DH's support. You are your child's mother and your DD needs you well and healthy. Your DH is not just harming you by not defending you, he's harming your child.

Could your DH, take the children to a neutral space, meet at the park for an ice cream and watch the children play.

Do thinks I should be the better person x

You are being the better person already, by making the huge sacrifice of saying that she is still welcome in your home despite how she has behaved. That's huge.

I would get some counselling for you AND your DP. He needs to see what his mother is doing and be able to distance himself from it or stand up to her when she is out of line. He has a lifetime of living under her controlling personality within a family that clearly bows to her tantrums.

It is your DP's relationship with his mother that is causing you such anguish.

This is awful poor you! It has nothing to do with being the "better" person why should you have to be unwelcome in your own own because Mil is being ridiculous?!

I wouldn't entertain the notion.

I can understand the pressure of being manipulated she's obviously used to doing it and having others cave in.

She has not been crying I'll bet, and even if she was it's her own fault so try to block out any feelings of sympathy as they are intended to guilt you.

I hope you can stand your ground and I hope your husband realises he isn't helping as he needs to be a lot firmer with her behaviour otherwise it will be a constant battle every time she feels slighted...

Precisely flowery.

Giving in to her would be being the irresponsible person (two weeks old!!!!) and teaching your DCs that bullies get their way and their mother is not a person to be respected.

This is utterly loony behaviour by your MIL.
Who exactly has suggested that you leave the house?
Absolutely do not bend to this stupid stupid request.

Do thinks I should be the better person x

You ARE the better person. You are not stopping her see your kids. She has chosen not to.

How is enabling your MIL's outrageous behaviour being the better person?

You give in now and you will not be being the bigger person you'll in the wrong still and a push over.

You won't get an easier life. I watch my own parents make this mistake time and time again.

She comes in your house with this arrangement - she'll be slagging you off to our DC and DH and causing yet more problems. My MIL did this with my DC - she never got time alone with them to do this till she adjusted her attitude till I could trust her.

I had issue with both mine and IL - including my own IL trying push me out and sideline me from own family. When they finally realized that wasn't happening we could move on. Neither side of my family were this batshit crazy.

What I needed was RL advice and support - so I knew I wasn't the one being odd and crazy. I got it and I had friends in similar situations with their families.

I heard a lot about GP rights they have none. IL were a lot more pleasant when they grasped that.

Tell your family and friend what is going on and how bad it is and let them support you.

Your DH isn't supporting you at the minute - it may be he can't at the moment but that does need to change.

He made need to know how serious things are for the future of the relationship before he does - as you being on anti-depressants hasn't been the wakeup call you'd hope.

Do not let people campaign for her - telling you how upset your MIL is. You need to shut those conversions down immediately. She an adult and she should behave like one - and I don't want to hear anymore about her - could be one response.

Check out the stately home threads in relationships and toxic parents books.

Take a break this weekend with DC if you need thinking space - stay with your parents and talk things through with people not in the 'crazy circle'.

You need to protect yourself and your DC from this. I really hope you find a way to do that.

you'll be in the wrong

Sorry did read through - once I accepted I was always going to be in the wrong I coped better.

You are being the better person by not totally ignoring the silly cow.

Make an offer on your terms. I think it's a huge thing to even contemplate having her in your house with you there.

It is her behaviour and your dh's behaviour that is wrong.

For your dh to cause you so much anguish over this rather than just take the reins and deal with her is utterly crap.

That is one fucked up family!

Can you get away for a few days, OP?

Would you consider asking your partner to leave over this?

Does he acknowledge at all that his mum is completely wrong here & is too scared of her to refuse her, or does he not even see any wrong in what she has done?

Either way he seriously needs some help.

YANBU & should not even consider such a stupid idea.

I'm fuming!

Just catching up on this thread, I'm in with the William Wallace face painted crew, just point me in the right direction. I repeat MIL of Joanne, you are batshit crazy!

In this sort of situation, I find it helpful to write some letters, write one to your DP, one to your MIL and one to the rest of the family. Lay out exactly how you feel. The one to your DP should explain how you feel and what you think the consequences are going to be. You don't have to send the letters but they will organise your thoughts. I strongly suggest you do give one to your DP, I doubt he understands how awful this is for you.