To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

[Joanne279]

They've all had a lifetime of it. I think they see it as normal making her happy. I don't think this pathetic idea has even 1% consideration for me in it at all x

[MrsHoratioNelson]

This situation in entirely of your MIL's making. It is absolutely NOT your fault. I am so angry on your behalf!!!

I can completely understand that you feel trapped and powerless against this bullying woman and your, frankly, spineless DH so I'm not going to tell you to tell them to fuck off much as I'd like to

I wouldn't normally suggest setting two sides of a family against one another, but can your DM talk to your DH to explain how totally ludicrous this is?

[Joanne279]

I am depressed. Massively :( I need my dp's support and I don't feel I have it.

His mums relationship with the kids is coming at ALL costs. I hate that no one steps on and says 'no, I don't expect her (me) to do that mum, you're being ridiculous' but hell will freeze over first :(

I'm sick of hearing about 'poor little me has z baby took away from me that wasn't mine to begin with'

My daughters 1st year (1 in 6 weeks) has been RUINED by constant arguments between me and dp. SHE COULD STOP THIS AT ANY MOMENT and I will NEVER get this time with my dd again.

I feel like I'm being forced to sign a confession to a crime I know I didn't commit :(

I really need some help x

[pictish]

If seeing your DC was so important to her she wouldn't refuse to do so for 8 months purely to make a point.

A very good point there.

This not about being a doting grandmother at all...it's nothing even approaching it. This is about control and the fact that your mil enjoys a starring role in a drama.

I am furious on your behalf.

[friday16]

I don't think this pathetic idea has even 1% consideration for me in it at all

Your husband's responsibility is to you, not his mother. He needs to realise that. He may need to be told that, in terms. If his mother is behaving unreasonably (and surely, he must see that this is unreasonable) and that is affecting his family (ie, his wife and children), then he needs to take steps to resolve the situation, and if the consequence of that is that his mother is unhappy, so bt it. She's presumably had decades of getting her own way by this sort of shit. It has to either stop, or at least happen out of your hearing and sight.

If the consequence of that is that your children don't see one set of their grandparents, then that's regrettable, but if the problem hadn't blown up over this, it would have blown up over something else.

If your husband has a reasonable relationship with your mother, and thinks she's reasonable, then her explaining to him why his mother's behaviour is unacceptable might be worthwhile, as Mrs Nelson says. He might be so used to the idea that his mother is right, and therefore that anyone who stands up to her is wrong, that it needs a respected older adult to tell him that it's not normal. An intervention, if you will.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Flowery has hit the nail on the head & you should say it to your DP just as it was written:
If seeing your DC was so important to her she wouldn't refuse to do so for 8 months purely to make a point
It's not normal
It's not reasonable behaviour
It's not right that she is putting you under such pressure making bizarre demands in order to see her grandchildren.

Best of luck!

[Dubjackeen]

They (including your husband) are being completely unreasonable. This is about control. If she cared about your children, she would not have deliberately chosen to avoid seeing them for so long.
Do you have anyone nearby to support you?

[pictish]

I certainly would not agree to the new idea. Not in a month of Sundays. It's beyond ridiculous. Your dh's family has been conditioned to appease and pacify this spoiled, manipulative and demanding woman. They think that having you leave your own house, and then gradually allowing you back in your own house, but not in the room where your own children are, so granny's stampy footed little theatre may be staged, is reasonable solution! This is some deep rooted fuck-uppery going on right here.

I can only imagine how this is messing with your head.

[buss]

you are being bullied and your dh is enabling the bullying. He either backs you up or goes to live with her.

you did not take your baby away from her. It's her choice not to visit your baby.

Don't give in - that will only make things worse as MIL will prove that she was right all along and ramp up her demands.

[FetchezLaVache]

Another vote for flowery: "If seeing your DC was so important to her she wouldn't refuse to do so for 8 months purely to make a point."

Also, it occurs to me that if your eldest has OCD and anxiety, she will want you to be there when she sees an unfamiliar adult (as MIL must be, if she's not seen them for 8 months) and will ask why you're not there anyway- you leaving the house for the duration isn't going to change that.

MIL was not reasonable when she decided on this vendetta against you simply because you wouldn't let her have a 2 week old baby overnight (who the fuck would??). She wasn't being reasonable when she decided not to see the kids for 8 months over it. And she's not being reasonable now. If you can get your DP to agree on those three points, it's a very short step to getting him to tell her that not only will you not be agreeing to this ridiculous scheme, the success of which isn't even guaranteed, but you will also be holding out for an apology and civil behaviour towards you in future.

Good luck Joanne, I know it's not easy digging your heels in when dealing with someone who's used to everyone dancing to her tune.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I know its quite hard to see right now,but the way out of the situation is really quite easy.

Stop engaging with it and any mention of it.

You know your not the one acting like a spoilt child you know she is activly choosing to behave in this way you are not responsible for her behaviour you cannot change it. Only she can do that.

[Joanne279]

I feel so ill over this :( x

[TinyTear]

Just invite her for the 1st birthday party.

If she wants to come - with all the family in there - fine, if not stuff her, you are all better off without her!

my parents live in another country which I am grateful as they might end up doing similar strops (my dad stropped when I didn't allow him to take 7 month old daughter to the park by himself when she had only seen them once before at 10 weeks for a week)

Please be strong. They have no right to the grandchildren, you are the mother you are the only person with rights

[buss]

sockreturningpixie is absolutely right
just don't engage with any of them any more

[flowery]

"His mums relationship with the kids is coming at ALL costs"

But it really really isn't though. Because there is an easy option available. She could develop a relationship with the children at the minimal cost of having to have contact with someone she dislikes. She doesn't want a relationship at all costs, she wants a relationship at no cost.

I'm way off having grandchildren. But imagining a situation where I didn't like my DIL and I didn't want to see her. I can't imagine for one minute that I would prefer not to see her than to have a relationship with grandchildren. That I would prefer to miss out on 8 months of growth and development of small DC than see DIL. Regardless of how right I might think I am, or how much I might dislike the DIL.

She has two priorities. One is to avoid you and make a point that you are wrong and she is right. Two is to have a relationship with your DC. While her priorities are in that order there's no point anyone trying to force a relationship.

[pictish]

Agree with buss. The pressure is on to cave isn't it? I wouldn't, because the next unreasonable granny based demand will happen along soon after.
The woman is used to getting, and therefore expects, her own way.

They would no doubt hate my guts, and have me down as a difficult, argumentative cow, but I would learn to live with it.

Call a meeting and tell them calmly and pleasantly that mil has no right being upset over not having your new baby overnight at two weeks old, and that's not up for discussion. It is not her place to demand it.

Then go on to explain that cutting off the children entirely for eight months as a result of not getting her way, shows precisely who your mil has prioritised in the whole affair. Herself. No doting grandmother would take this course of action. She would still want to see the children. This behaviour is about control and punishment, as she is furious that you did not give in over the overnighter. Mil cannot get past the no, and has turned the whole episode into The Mil Show, and you do not appreciate being cast as the villain of the piece. You have done nothing wrong.

Lastly address the new proposal, and make it clear you will not be featuring in the not-allowed-in-my-own-house charade. Of course you won't. Ask them to really consider what they are asking of you, and what they think it means regards the level of conditioning they have, regarding mil, whereby they would reasonably see you ejected from your own home, away from your own children. Ask them if any of them can imagine being pressured into accepting those terms themselves, regarding their own houses and families. Tell them they are asking way too much of you.

Your dh has to be in full agreement. You need to work on him first. I hate to say it....but show him this thread?

You poor woman. This one has really got me 'there'. I do so hate a bully.

[lottiegarbanzo]

So not only are you suffering but your dd is losing out too, by not having the calm, happy mother she could be enjoying. Fortunately at this age, while her basic needs are being met, she won't notice but that won't last.

Everyone, particularly your DP, needs to start focusing on your dd's well-being and the importance of a happy mother.

My advice is betting shakier here but I wonder whether 'playing the MIL' with your DP might wake him up - that is exploding at him with an angry, emotional rant about every slight and discomfort you have suffered and demanding that he pay you attention and support you, right now! Stomp, strop, demand, cry and whine and tell him if he wants to continue living with you he will be focusing his attention on your needs now and for all time. Maybe keep it up for a week.

I just think you are losing out because you are trying to hard to be reasonable, in a world of crazy unreason. That makes you really easy to ignore. What are you going to do if you don't get your way after all? Crucially, what is the worst consequence of not supporting you for your DP? Motivation is basically about fear and reward, think about it that way, from his perspective. He needs to know there is more pleasure to be gained and more pain to fear through disloyalty to you, than to his mother.

If he was able to prioritise your dd's welfare and yours, all the better but it sounds as if he's thinking only of his own pain and reward here.

[Editededition]

Joanne - will you consider seeing your doctor.
Please.
Anyone would be driven into depression after living with this for a year, with constant tension and upset.
In order to stay strong, I think you need to be pro-active about caring for yourself now.

If the idea worries you, check to see what your mum thinks.

[Pollywallywinkles]

Joanne, you have done nothing wrong whatsoever and it is not up to you to resolve this situation. You must step back from this as its clear the whole situation is damaging your health.

If MIL wants to see her grandchildren, she should be doing so on your terms. Keep the door open and let her come to you.

Your DH needs to support you and if he can't you may have to decide if your marriage is worth continuing. Whilst he may love his mother, you and your children should be coming first and it doesn't appear that is happening.

[HighJinx]

The fact that this situation is making you ill yet your dh still cannot bring himself to tell his mother to get over herself is ringing loud alarm bells for me.

You know that you're right to stand your ground against her ridiculous behaviour but it is easier said than done when everyone around you is telling you that you are the one that need to make this right.

You need to focus on getting your DH to support you. Otherwise you will either make yourself really ill by standing your ground or you will feel a growing sense of resentment towards not only your MIL but your DH for not supporting you when you needed it.

His mums relationship with the kids is coming at ALL costs Make sure he knows that this is how you feel. Make it crystal clear what is at stake here.

[KoalaFace]

Joanne you need some support mate. You seem completely exhausted by all this. Are you close with any of your family? Do you have a good friend (preferably a gobby one like me) who can support you? They are wearing you down and I think you need someone in your corner.

Want me to come round and be a head swivelling, finger clicking "AW HELL NO!" sidekick?

[lottiegarbanzo]

And yes, I know that almost certainly is not what you should actually do but do think through the pain and reward thing and point out to him what he stands to lose - you and the DCs presumably, ultimately, if that's the only way for you to stay healthy so in the best interests of your DCs.

[Joanne279]

I've seen my gp who has put me on anti depressants for about 6 weeks now. The pressure is unreal. X

[SleepPleaseSleep]

Thank god I don't have a mil (long dead) and I very deliberately made sure I lived a long way away from my own parents. I simply couldn't be bothered to deal with this kind of thing. Office politics are bad enough!

Your home is your home. You and your dh and kids have the right to be comfy in it, no one else. Don't be chased out of it. Not being allowed to have your baby overnight at 2 weeks is perfectly reasonable - I wouldn't leave my kids, 1 & 3, alone with family for long now.
Tell this overgrown 2 year old to grow up or clear off, same to any supporters of hers. Why oh why can't people just be sensible!

[Joanne279]

Koala yes fucking please! I'd sell my soul right now to lie down and let someone fight this on my behalf with the safe feeling of knowing I'm not going mad to think this suggestion is bullshit x