To not even consider this?

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone. My mil battle is still raging on :(

Other family member have now got involved and have put a suggestion to me, that they will put to her, in the hope mil will accept (no promises!)

Mil flatly refuses to see our 3 kids for 8 months due to family row over her not being given our baby overnight at 2 weeks old.

So, it has been suggested that in order to make mil feel more comfortable, for 5ish times, I go out of my house, so she will come up to see the kids as she won't come up if I'm there. After these 5ish visits, mil will be convinced (they hope) to come up when I'm there. So, I will be allowed back in my home but requested that I not enter the room in MY HOUSE that she is in with MY KIDS when she visits!

Am I failing to try to put myself out a bit for the resolution of the problem, or is this suggestion just a complete joke?

Thanks in advance x

[Stropzilla]

Sorry for the double post. Apparently my phone really agrees.

[LeaningTowerOfGaffney]

She CRIES herself to sleep because it's like she doesn't have any grandchildren? Has she NO self awareness? She does realise that all along she has been able to see them, right?

She's an idiot. There is no way I'd be allowing her to come into my home and see my children while I was sent out. How ridiculous. And she's been ridiculous from the start, fancy throwing a strop at not being allowed to have the baby at two fecking weeks old.

NO NO NO. You are not being unreasonable. Put your foot down, OP!

[holidaysarenice]

I have enough toddlers in my life, r u competing with them for most outrageous tantrum. End of!!

[Greenkit]

Joanne, either your husband backs you 100% or tell him he can go live with her. He is your husband and should have grown up by now, he is fence sitting because he is a coward and doesnt want to look bad. He leaves it all to you so its your fault and he can still be the blue eyed boy who can do no wrong.

Bloody well stand up for yourself, not one person on here has said 'toe the line and do what she says' so you are not causing problems or being mean.

The solution is simple:

1. Mother in law gets her head out her arse and realises it is her which has caused the problem, She is stopping herself from seeing the grandchildren
   
   Just keep repeating to anyone who dares question the problem 'She is more than welcome to visit us, to see the grandchildren and the family' add a sweet smile
   
   xxx

[frustratedashell]

Totally agree with you greenkit.

[holidaysarenice]

I have just read the part about ur dh lying, now I'm convinced he's acting like a toddler too.

I didn't see ur previous thread. What about ringing your mil, stating she is welcome to visit your family in your home at x time. If she wants to end the silly nonsense and attempt to rebuild a relationship, otherwise you will be forced to protect ur children as their mother and will have to ensure their safety and wellbeing my disengaging with her antics. The date and time to come and see us are....

Do you think it would work?

[HicDraconis]

Agree with everyone else.

My MiL sent me an email detailing all my (apparently numerous) faults, stating how she'd never liked me. Except she sent it to DH by mistake. His take on it was that 1) she didn't have to like me, he did 2) he wasn't allowing our children to spend any time unsupervised with a woman who had stated in writing that she disliked their mother. He replied to that effect. MiL had a tantrum, DH held firm and the upshot is that none of us see her. We have sporadic email contact but nothing more.

Your MiL can either grow up, be civil toward you when in your house (and not chase you out of it!) and spend time with her grandies. Or she can carry on as she has done and see where that gets her (currently no contact for 8 months).

YANBU. I suspect she's never had anyone stand up to her before now and that her family are so used to her behaviour that their sense of "normal" is very skewed.

[DontCallMeDaughter]

Your MIL sounds batshit crazy.

This is the sort of thing my mother used to do, unreasonable requests followed by weeks/months/years of sulking and histrionics. The only way to combat it with my mum was to stand up to her... Which I've spent my entire adult life learning to do.... We had a couple of rocky years but things have settled down a bit now and we have a nice, uncomplicated relationship.

My approach with my mum is to work out what the "normal" thing to do is, and in this case it is normal for a MIL to be invited to come and see her grandchildren. I would extend that invitation and then it's up to her to take or leave. She's a grown up and if she can't act like one then that's her, having all of these other adults fading around trying to work out a plan is just enabling her... I'd want no part in that.

I hear you on the not sleeping thing, the nights I used to lie in bed fretting... How your mil feels just isn't your responsibility, you've been entirely reasonable, leave it to her family to worry about.

Basically what Waffly said, tell them she can come over for tea and cake but that's it, you want to hear no more about it ever again.

[myroomisatip]

OP you have had very good advice and I can only agree with what everyone is saying.

I feel so sad for you that you feel unable to stand up to these people. You need some RL support. I would also suggest counselling. I understand how hard it is, I have been there :(

Please do not give them an inch, you will only perpetuate the whole scenario, once this is settled there will be another and another occasion. The woman is more than BVVU to expect to have your two week old baby!

This is NOT your fault and you have done NOTHING wrong.

((( hugs )))

[lottiegarbanzo]

Reading this through I feel really angry on your behalf.

You are not stopping her from seeing them. You'd be happy (willing anyway) for her to visit your family in your home. She is stopping herself from accepting that invitation. HER CHOICE.

You need to stand your ground really firmly. It's the only way any of them will learn. Otherwise you have a lifetime of this shit ahead.

So, how about issuing a regular invitation at a time you know will suit (you could get DP to check that for you first, without being specific about why), tea once a week, lunch once a month, or whatever you can face. Invite her each time. Send a written invitation - a nice little card, so there's proof for others. Phone and check if she's coming. Express disappointment if she can't. If she says the time doesn't work, ask when would and offer to swap to another time that works for you. After six or eight times, shrug and give up. 'Well, I invited her eight times, at times i knew suited her, and she declined every time, so I don't think she wants to see us'. HER CHOICE.

[exoticfruits]

Normally I stick up for MILs but you have to ignore the silly woman. Keep the high moral ground- don't get into arguments- just say 'don't be so silly!' and repeat as necessary.

[Editededition]

I have to be honest as I know I can be on here, but I am actually seriously considering this just to put an end to it

Joanne - I hope you finally managed to get some sleep, and have awoken feeling a little bit stronger.

Please, please don't "seriously consider this" - because, if you do, this appalling woman is going to be dictating elements of your life for the foreseeable future.
You need real life support, and some time out because you are being swamped. Can you decamp to spend a couple of days with your Mum? (she won't kill you! and it sounds as though she is rock solidly in your corner).

You are suffering from being the only normal player (not trained to MILs manipulation) in a world of warped individuals (fully trained to narcissistic behaviour). That is a really hard position to maintain without feeling that you are the person in the wrong.......but listen to the shouts from everyone here.
Not one single responder has suggested you should give in to her.
Not one!......on MN!! thats about as resounding an endorsement as you can get.

Start to talk about the situation with 'normal' people in RL.
And get that break if you possibly can.
As an earlier poster mentioned, remember to just smile sweetly and tell anyone who mentions it that MIL is welcome to visit you (as a family) whenever she chooses.
Stay strong.
Because you are strong.
And normal

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

They want you to leave YOUR OWN FUCKING HOUSE so some sulky old cowbag can come and see your children because SHE does not want to see YOU?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. granny or not, no sodding way. I'd tell whoever suggested this where to go. Pacifying a sulking drama queen does no one any good ever. Least of all the person at the centre of all the drama.

[Armadale]

You are suffering from being the only normal player (not trained to MILs manipulation) in a world of warped individuals (fully trained to narcissistic behaviour). That is a really hard position to maintain without feeling that you are the person in the wrong.......but listen to the shouts from everyone here.

Listen to Editededition ^


FWIW your posts remind me of how I seconded guessed myself/ apologised for myself all the time when I was living with a man who was hitting me and the rest of his family thought I wound him up ....it is quite telling that you sound like someone suffering domestic violence- you are being horribly bullied and manipulated here.

I would ask DH to have some counselling with you about it, he needs to realise how impossible this is for you and learn some skills so he can help you protect your DCs from being sucked into this madness as they grow up.

[Joanne279]

Thank you everyone. I didn't sleep well at all.

I do feel horribly bullied. If I give in, I think it will concrete the fact that I was 'wrong' for 'taking my baby away from her' so I need to pull out all the stops to 'correct' my behaviour :(

I don't see a way out. I feel like I'm drowning and sinking :( x

[eatyouwithaspoon]

lottiegarbanzo talks alot of sense in both posts.
Your DH needs to grow a pair, this situation is madness! If he isnt by your side on this then if anyone should be doing any leaving it should be him

[pictish]

Oh OP I have read all your posts on here, and I feel so very sorry for you being caught up in this emotional fucking freak show that is your husband's family! I cannot beoieve they are tolerating, and yes, even encouraging this shit!

I don't know what to advise.

[LegoCaltrops]

Sorry to hear about this. I don't remember your previous threads.

Your MIL needs to grow up & stop sulking. They are your kids, not hers. Your DH needs to grow some balls frankly & tell her that much as he loves her & she will always be their grandmother, you are their mother & you are the woman he has chosen to spend his life with. He should be supporting you.

Please don't leave, your kids are the ones who will suffer the most & they are innocent in this.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

You poor thing. I can't imagine how difficult is would be to be surrounded by people who aren't backing you in what you believe and are actually trying to get you to change your mind to suit a woman who is basically throwing a tantrum about nothing basically.

Can you talk to your DP's family on a one to one basis and explain to them that it was unreasonable to let your MIL (I don't believe that you are married to your other half but apologies of you are and I've misread that) take your 2 WEEK old baby away from its mother??? It's just barking mad. If you can talk to one or two of them away from the usual locations that you meet up, then you might be able to find that you have hidden allies in the family that would back you up.

I 100%, no scratch that 1,000,000%, agree with the others who say that your other half HAS to man up. You and your children are now his primary family and his parents HAVE to take a back seat role in this, no matter what. If they don't like it, tough. They are more than welcome to be Granny & Grandad but only on your terms (that's agreed between you and your other half and no one else).

I wish you every good luck in the world getting through this and I think you will get through this.

[mamas12]

I think you really need your h on board
Time to sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you want to happen and then tell him he is in charge of the family communications from now on
You disengage and stop answering or listening to anyone who does not big you up
If he lies to them that will be his problem you dont want to knowtell him you don't want to hear anything except good things about you nothing about anything else
This is your line in the sand you are right about feeling overwhelmed ask your Dh to stop you drowning or you will sink or swim away from him and how would he feel about that

[flowery]

If seeing your DC was so important to her she wouldn't refuse to do so for 8 months purely to make a point.

[friday16]

concrete the fact that I was 'wrong' for 'taking my baby away from her'

How are you doing that? Your door's open for her to visit any time, yes? That she wants to set unreasonable conditions on that visit is her problem, not yours.

To echo what others are saying, your husband has been very, although he's presumably had to put up with this for a lifetime. He needs to man up and resolve it.

[friday16]

very weak

[Editededition]

Small thought, Joanne .....it might be worth a visit to your GP.
There is a definite change in the tone of your posts, since the last thread, and I am wondering if you may be suffering some depression as a direct result of all the pressure? That would certainly explain the feeling of sinking below the weight of it all,

Worrying about you.