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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother put my DD in care of a total stranger

153 replies

Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 13:34

Ok I am new to this, but feel I have to get this off my chest. 1st August first day of annual child care 2 DD's with parents whilst I am at work (in the same town). DD2 and mother came to place of work and I asked where DD1 was, mother replied she has gone off with Lucy and her parents. Who I asked are Lucy's Parents? They are the the daughter and sil of my neighbour. Where has DD2 gone? and do you have a phone number? I don't know and no I have no phone number. As this point my mother stormed out of my workplace saying I can never do anything right. I had to inform my boss that I needed to find out where and who my DD was with, so locked the shop (in a state of panic) and went to see the neighbour, she gave me contact details of her daughter and I was able to phone and find out what was happening myself.

I went to pick my kids up after work and was then told to P--S off and get out of our lives by my Mum and Dad in front of my kids!

I was then in a state of shock and had to find alternative child care for the next 6 weeks of the holiday. My mother has not spoken to me since but has tried to contact my kids, I told her I want an apology for the kids and for me and the phone was then put down on me.

All this because I was concerned about my child.

OP posts:
Inertia · 10/09/2013 13:38

Your parents sound irresponsible and a bit unhinged.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/09/2013 13:40

Do you know these people at all? I'd be very pissed off too. Your mum (and dad?) left your child with someone you do not know, no contact details were swapped and she had no idea where they would be. I'm sure nothing would have happened but surely the more responsible thing to would be to have told you "DD really hit it off with so and so. Here is the mums phone number so you can invite the kid round to play one day if you like" or something.

You're not the unreasonable one here.

BeenFluffy · 10/09/2013 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 10/09/2013 13:46

Your parents' behaviour was - and is - outrageous and completely unacceptable. Of course you were concerned about your child. The fact that your parents had no such concerns means that there were unfit to look after your children. That they can't see that and told you, in front of your children to "P--S off and get out of our lives" is shocking.

Original poster
Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 13:46

My Kids are 13 and DD2 is 9, yes the kids really did hit it off, but I did not know the parents at all. My argument is I cannot give a lift to my dds best friend from school without correct car insurance a CRB check and least of all a contact phone number! I was not even asked if dd could go out for the day.

My mother has lived below this neighbour for 8 moths and chat often.

OP posts:
AlbertaCampion · 10/09/2013 13:48

Silly parents. It's their loss. YWNBU.

Gruntfuttock · 10/09/2013 13:48

Your mother had no right to make this arrangement without your prior knowledge and agreement, it's as simple as that.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/09/2013 13:50

Like I said its great they hit it off but not on to just leave your child with someone they dont even know. Don't think I know anyone who would think its acceptable. Except your parents obviously Hmm

NoMoreMadCatLady · 10/09/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 10/09/2013 13:51

YANBU - I think your parents were irresponsible and your mum is sulking because she doesn't like being told she's in the wrong.

I also think you are right that you don't let your mum have a relationship with your DCs when she's not talking to you. It sends a message to them that their mum's decisions can be bypassed otherwise, if she's not prepared to talk to her own child (just because she doesn't want to admit what she did was wrong), then she shouldn't expect to be able to act like nothing has happened with your DCs.

In your position, I'd just keep to not talking to her until she appologises and let her sulk all she likes. When she's ready to act like a grown up and acknowledge what she did was at best foolish, be gracious.

SquinkiesRule · 10/09/2013 13:52

Your mother is mad!

omwards · 10/09/2013 13:53

Well, it doesn't sound great but at 13, I wouldn't have gone berserk. At that age our DS would go off to a friend's house and though we always asked him for a number, I'm sure there were times when he would move on to another house without telling us.

Why can't you drive your friend's DD without proving insurance etc? Is that because she's in care? We have had this, and it was incredibly limiting and really prevented the foster children from enjoying a social life with school friends.

SilverStreak7 · 10/09/2013 13:53

No YANBU . . Your Mother (and Father) are bang out of order . .

AFishWithoutABicycle · 10/09/2013 13:54

I would freak out. You mother is lucky that you have said if she apologies you will try to mend bridges.
But I can also see why, if she doesn't see that she has done anything wrong, she feels like your going over the top. (I don't think you are)
Why not put in a letter about how this is not how these things are done these days and you would have expected her to have asked you first etc etc. Explain that you were extremely worried and that is why you behaved as you did.
Then the ball is in her court.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 10/09/2013 13:54

YAB a bit U.

When you were wee things were a lot more relaxed and there wasn't the same paedo paranoia.

Your mum probably thought DD would have a nice time with Lucy and her parents and didn't even think beyond that. If you want to leave your DD with your mum you need to trust her judgement.

Morloth · 10/09/2013 13:56

I dunno at 13 I was out on my bike all day in the summer holidays.

Have your parents provided childcare for you over the years? Is this a one off or do they have form?

I think the mad panic about a 13 year old hanging out with a friend and her parents might have been a bit of an overreaction. How did your boss take it?

What is your plan for future childcare?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/09/2013 13:57

I think you are being a bit U - your DD is 13 now. My DS is 11 and has just started secondary school and I am expecting him to make lots of new friends and I very much doubt I will get to meet any of their parents.

AFishWithoutABicycle · 10/09/2013 13:57

Hang on dd1 or 2?

Charlottehere · 10/09/2013 13:58

My PIL once let my dd go out with their neighbour while in their care. I was fuming. Angry

AFishWithoutABicycle · 10/09/2013 13:59

You ask where has dd1 gone then where's dd2?.

OrangeOpalFruit · 10/09/2013 13:59

I think you overreacting. I thought your dd was going be about 2 and a half! My 13 year old goes out with friends from school who I have never met, friends parents etc. she has her own mobile phone so I can contact her if I need to. At some point you do need to let go a little bit. It's just not practical to pre-vet every person they have contact with. Your parents met the people who took her out. If you trust them with your dd then I think you also need to trust their judgement on this.

SoWorriedPleaseHelp · 10/09/2013 13:59

The op isnt clear - which daughter went off? The 13 year old or the 9 year old??

Maryz · 10/09/2013 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/09/2013 14:00

the 13 yo

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 10/09/2013 14:02

13? I thought you were going to say a 5yo or something. You had a huge over reaction I'm afraid.